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I am heartbroken. My daughter moved out of State today with our granddaughter

(40 Posts)
Howtofindhope Mon 27-Sep-21 03:16:18

I really need advice on working through this. My granddaughter, daughter and son in law have been living with us for about 4 years to help them save money. Our granddaughter will be 4 in April she has lived with us since she was born. We were blindsided last month when they told us they were moving to another State. They didn’t sit us down and tell us. They wrote it on a piece of paper which was very upsetting. I feel like I am mourning a death. I just don’t know how to work through this.

Hithere Mon 27-Sep-21 03:49:25

Give it some time, it is so recent.

With today's technology, it is so easy to stay in touch.

It will get better

denbylover Mon 27-Sep-21 06:25:16

Hi, I feel for you! 4 years of having them share your home to enable them to save….and then telling you they are moving out by way of a piece of paper!! Rude in the extreme. Did they write and ask to move in, via a piece of paper ?
You’re probably a mix of emotions atm, time will help, hopefully you will get a call and the conversation you deserve.

BlueBelle Mon 27-Sep-21 06:42:07

You ve been a lucky lady to have had your little granddaughter with you for four years it will seem empty at first but you will get used to it surely you knew it wouldn’t be for ever, ( they came to save for a place of their own) of course the young couple need their own place and their own lives and you need to be happy for them, and as strong as an oak tree It is exciting for them and your granddaughter they have saved for four years to get their own place and you have helped them on the way to their new life brilliantly
Well done
Now it’s time for you and your husband (you say they lived with us) so presumably you’re not alone so start to live your own lives now
Seeing how you are reacting I think your daughter thought it best to write it down and not have a face to face where you would be emotional and perhaps try to beg them to change their minds She didn’t want to get into an emotional argument

You can deal with this in two ways you can go headlong into mourning and make everyone including your granddaughter unhappy and guilty or you can plaster a smile on your face and tell them how happy you are for them and how you ll see them soon (it’s not the other side of the world)

You cannot expect them to stay for ever Didn’t you leave your parents when you married?
Good luck

wildswan16 Mon 27-Sep-21 08:30:47

Be glad for them that they are ready to go their own way. Is this not what we all want for our children - that they leave us and live their own lives? Out of state does not mean they live on a different planet.

Yes, you will miss them, but life never stays static - and it shouldn't. Think of ways you can keep in touch with your GD - your relationship with her does not need to suffer at all.

I wonder if you parted on bad terms? If so, then you must gently try to rebuild what was lost.

Calendargirl Mon 27-Sep-21 09:08:27

Good advice Bluebelle

VioletSky Mon 27-Sep-21 09:09:52

Howtofindhope You did a lovely thing letting them stay with you so they could save up for a better life in future, you should be proud that together you have achieved that.

I'm not sure what to think about the note. Did they expect you to be deeply upset and wanted to avoid a confrontation? Even so there would be better ways I think.

With technology etc it's really easy to stay in touch now, you can video call straight into each others homes and now you have a whole different state you can visit for holidays.

It will just take time to feel better and get used to the new situation but you are definitely better off venting here than venting at daughter and son in law trying to settle in to the or new home

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 27-Sep-21 09:18:33

It’s not the fact they’ve left. Of course this had to happen eventually, and quite right too. It’s how they told you! Do you think they felt so sad , they couldn’t face you? Did you discuss afterwards, or did you literally find the note after they’d gone?

I understand you completely. Our daughter and SIL lived with us for three months with their new baby, before moving into their new home ten miles away! This was hard enough, so you must be overwhelmed with sadness.

I would normally say you will just get through it in time, but the note thing gets in the way of that I would think. I would want to talk about that to be honest.

I wish you well.

Smileless2012 Mon 27-Sep-21 09:43:45

I agree with BlueBelle, you've been very fortunate to have had them living with you for 4 years and must have realised that it wouldn't be forever.

A note is probably not the bet way to have let you know but as has been said, your D may well have been wanting to avoid an emotional confrontation and wanted to give you a little time to absorb the news.

You need to have a talk with your D balancing how much you'll miss them with how proud you are of them for saving enough to branch out on their own, which is what all AC should do eventually.

You'll be able to have regular contact face to face with face time. It's not the same I know but it's better than nothing and then of course there are holidays to be planned.

Try not to focus on your own sadness and look to the future.

PurpleStar Mon 27-Sep-21 10:12:31

I do empathise with the OP and how wonderful that they lived with you for 4 years.
I am someone who moved overseas with my DH and 4 children.It happened very quickly and my parents and siblings were also blindsided.But they have to do whats right for them?as we did.My Mother took our move personally and a brother said we were attention seeking! They got over it and saw how happy we were and now we all spend quality time together with regular holidays here (pre Covid) One of our daughters moved away overseas from us with our only DGD but thats OK,our children have to do what's right for them.Its hard but you'll adjust to it flowers

Baggs Mon 27-Sep-21 10:20:46

Hear, hear, purplestar.

Sometimes whatever one does, whatever method one uses to communicate, results in what I think of as an imposition of someone else's devastation. Perhaps they felt that would be the case. I would not blame anyone for wanting to avoid that kind of confrontation.

BlueBelle Mon 27-Sep-21 10:32:42

When my son went to New Zealand he told me, they (he and his then girlfriend) were just going for a look around I knew in my heart they would never be back to live here, but that was his way of avoiding upset for him and me . my heart knew though and I went home from seeing them off and cried a river, but then I brushed myself down and got on with my life and was happy for them They have now been married 22 years and have two children 24 and 20 They have a good life I would be very selfish if I didn’t wish them the absolute best and keep my tears as private as I can
It’s their life and you need to come to terms with that one sentence, it’s their choices, not yours howtofindhope

It will get it easier if you allow it to, it won’t if you just wallow and wallow in your grief BE HAPPY FOR THEM

JaneJudge Mon 27-Sep-21 10:36:43

BlueBelle has given you some wonderful advice smile It is hard letting them go, for sure but it is how it should be.

Grammaretto Mon 27-Sep-21 10:37:02

Good advice here but it is so hard.
Our DS told us in the middle of a big birthday celebration when we had had a drink or two, that they were moving 12,000 miles away.
They tempered it with the clause "it may not be forever"
That was 15 years ago and we have seen them once a year apart from last year and this. DH has died now but I know he would never have wanted to stop them realising their dream.

We chat on WhatsApp. We email and zoom. Sometimes I think we are closer than we were when they were just up the road. All the best to you.

NotSpaghetti Mon 27-Sep-21 10:46:04

The note sounds like a possible "last resort" to a parent who doesn't want to hear the gentler language that preceded it. I can definitely see this happening and urge you to think back and try to feel less upset about it.

"It's time for us to move on" and "there are good jobs in ×× that we are looking at", "we think the climate is good in xx and are considering a move there" "the houses are expensive in xx but it has good schools"
...these are the gentle introductions that you may have chosen to ignore. Maybe you have said "oh let's not discuss this now while we're having dinner" or "I think the weather in xx is not as nice as here".

I do feel for you (two of my adult children left the UK, one to the USA) so trust me this comes from a place of understanding - but try to be grateful for the special everyday time you have had with them and that you have given them the wings to fly.

flowers

Hithere Mon 27-Sep-21 14:07:21

I agree with NS.

Howtofindhope Mon 27-Sep-21 14:10:42

I should have explained the “note”. We were all at the table, my husband, daughter, SIL, my oldest child (son), his fiancée and a family friend. We all had a few drinks and were having a game night. My daughter grabbed a piece of the paper we were using and drew stick figures and circled them with an arrow pointed down to the state they were moving to. They never sat down with us before or after that incident. It’s been so hurtful. We never wanted nor expected them to stay with us but we also didn’t expect this.
When our SIL left a week ahead he never said thank you or goodbye. We weren’t looking for a pat on the back just maybe some appreciation. On top of this he took our daughters dog that has been with us since he was a puppy (long before our now SIL was in the picture). We had no idea he was taking her so we didn’t get to say goodbye to her. We all had very good times and we tried to make everything easy for them. We feel disrespected and hurt. My husband is such a good man I see how much this has effected him.

VioletSky Mon 27-Sep-21 14:19:03

I'm guessing your daughter was trying to tell you in a "cute" way Howtofindhope.

Have you let them know how you feel about it all?

It might be better to let it go, they obviously didn't expect it to be a big surprise that it was coming. They might be thinking you are happy to have them all out of your hair...

What I am trying to say is, I don't think that they have meant to cause you this much hurt. I think you are looking for reasons to justify how you feel about them leaving.... But you don't need to, this is normal.

Try and look at the positive side of you can and figure out how to keep having a close relationship with a little distance between you

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 27-Sep-21 14:24:21

Mmmm....that sounds like they really didn’t know how to tackle it, and have ended up making it worse.

I can see why you would be so upset. I would be. They’ve tried to make it less of an impact , but in so doing, have made themselves look ungrateful.

Not really sure what you can do. I would be tempted to say how this has upset you, and that you would never have expected them to live with you forever, but would have liked their departure to have been different.

All you can do is rise above it all. Put your energies into your son and fiancée. Perhaps don’t ask them to move in with you!

I wish you well.

Petera Mon 27-Sep-21 14:32:48

NotSpaghetti

The note sounds like a possible "last resort" to a parent who doesn't want to hear the gentler language that preceded it. I can definitely see this happening and urge you to think back and try to feel less upset about it.

"It's time for us to move on" and "there are good jobs in ×× that we are looking at", "we think the climate is good in xx and are considering a move there" "the houses are expensive in xx but it has good schools"
...these are the gentle introductions that you may have chosen to ignore. Maybe you have said "oh let's not discuss this now while we're having dinner" or "I think the weather in xx is not as nice as here".

I do feel for you (two of my adult children left the UK, one to the USA) so trust me this comes from a place of understanding - but try to be grateful for the special everyday time you have had with them and that you have given them the wings to fly.

flowers

I'm not saying that this is what happened, or minimising the pain, but you reminded me of a friend who eventually had to sit down and write to her parents to tell them about her divorce. Every time she tried to tell them they just found ways of not listening.

BlueBelle Mon 27-Sep-21 14:43:35

I think your daughter used that written fun method to take the heat off, because she knew you would not deal with the situation, would be heart broken, and probably try to stop them or even start crying

The story has now changed a bit that it s now not about them moving away so much but about them not thanking you and disrespecting you, which I totally agree with isn’t good at all of course your son in law should have thanked you, but we don’t know what the relationship has been, or maybe they feel the need to escape quickly, before you tried to talk them out of it Maybe they ll be sending you a big thank you present when they get settled there
Re the dog if it’s your daughters dog then she presumably has asked her husband to take it, again maybe he took it quickly knowing you would not deal with seeing it go very easily
I m sure you and your husband have been wonderful parents and done all you can, maybe even too much
I m sorry this has upset you so much did you have no idea it was on the books , and I m also glad you have a lovely husband, you are so lucky, now you can concentrate on him perhaps if you look in hindsight maybe you’ve done too much, made them the centre of your life and that is why you both have fell so very hard.
Won’t you visit ? It’s the next state not overseas
I hope you and your husband start doing some fun things together and don’t let this dominate your life
Pull yourself up and start thinking about a visit

Grammaretto Mon 27-Sep-21 16:42:38

Are they very young, your DD and her spouse?
It does sound thoughtless - no thanks and taking the dog like that. I would be very miffed.
How far away is it? At least it's in the same country so you won't need passports and visas to see them.
Time to enter the next phase of your lives.

Howtofindhope Mon 27-Sep-21 23:22:55

Grammaretto
Yes, they are young my daughter is 26 and her husband is 29.

All of your advice is so helpful you have no idea how much I appreciate the responses. I am working today and trying to hold it together in my office. Tears rolling down my cheeks. I want to hide. I really hope this gets easier. Can you all write me everyday!? You have been great therapy for me!

Hithere Mon 27-Sep-21 23:24:04

26 and 29 - it is not that young

MayBeMaw Tue 28-Sep-21 08:44:46

I understand your sadness, but 26 and 29 are not all that young and “out of State” is not emigrating to a distant land.
The chicks have to leave the nest and it is far better to smile and wish them well in your heart as well as openly than to have an atmosphere of resentment.
You say they were saving to buy their house so must have known they would move out some time but perhaps preferred not to think of that day?
You must rebuild your own life, pin a smile on, be glad for them and look forward to happier times visiting them in the future.
(And it is their dog! )