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Visiting children and grandchildren

(143 Posts)
Peterson Tue 26-Oct-21 15:55:13

Hi I wonder if someone can tell me if I'm unreasonable, I know I can be but on this occasion I don't think I am. I am going mad with what I see as complete selfishness from both children who are in their 30's have successful lives jobs home young children.
So I live abroad with my second wife who works hard and has restricted holidays. She knows I miss my kids and grand children a huge amount, not just miss it deeply hurts especially when because of covid we have only seen them for a long weekend in nearly two years.
So my upset. My wife a teacher gets some time off, for a week, she's a teacher so we can't pick and choose. She insists for me we use this time to travel to the uk and she will work 25 reports etc etc whilst away. So kids say they are busy but son says I can come to his five bedroomed house on Friday but have to get out Monday as his wife has friends coming, a couple, remember five bed house. Daughter says we can't come until Thursday night as her mother is there looking after grandchildren which she does every week. So I have to go into a BnB with my wife for four days, its dark by four, cold rain forecast. This is the fourth day in two years to see them, only the second visit because of covid, its costing us a fortune and my wife who is wonderful is having to spend her time in a bnb waiting for my children to admit us. To be honest I'm ready to give up on them

Smileless2012 Tue 26-Oct-21 16:06:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable Peterson but I think your children are. I can see it may be difficult for your D changing a regular baby sitting arrangement with her mother, but not insurmountable surely.

As for you son, putting the needs of his wife's friends before his own father's and the GF to his children when Covid has meant you, like so many other parents and GP's have seen so very little of their children and GC is at the very least, thoughtless.

Don't give up on them. Having not seen our youngest son and only GC for almost 9 years believe me, that is not something you want to have to go through.

Lower your expectations, it's not fair IMO that you should have too but I don't think you have much choice. Expect very little and enjoy what little you get is my advice.

Take care.

Grandmabatty Tue 26-Oct-21 16:06:50

Yes you are being unreasonable. Your son has accommodated you and offered you a weekend. They have other plans with friends staying so it wouldn't be appropriate to still stay. Your daughter also has offered you time. They owe you nothing. Why are you ready to give up on them? Because you aren't getting your own way? It seems a very dramatic stance given that they've offered you family time.

Smileless2012 Tue 26-Oct-21 16:12:48

Plans with friends are more easily altered than the travel and accommodation plans of this father and his wife who live abroad.

"They owe you nothing" I don't understand why you felt it necessary to post that Grandmabatty as he hasn't said anywhere in his post that they do.

Eviebeanz Tue 26-Oct-21 16:20:07

These responses are two different ends of the scale. Your original post doesn't say how much advance notice was given of your plan to visit and I wonder if the outcome might have been different if more notice was given.

Hithere Tue 26-Oct-21 16:21:26

Very unreasonable

You want to visit your kids and gc or stay at their homes?

The number of bedrooms in their homes is not a factor here - your entitlement to their schedules and homes is

Smileless2012 Tue 26-Oct-21 16:23:19

That's a good point Eviebeanz and it would be helpful if Peterson felt able to come back and say.

NotTooOld Tue 26-Oct-21 16:24:38

It is a bit unreasonable in my opinion but half terms do tend to be busy times for young families. I'm wondering how much notice you gave them Peterson? If it was only a few days then it might be difficult for them to rearrange their plans. On the other hand, if it was several weeks then they should have been able to sort something out to suit everyone. Don't let it upset you, AC can be that way. You might even find that a BnB is more comfortable and convenient than staying in someone's spare room. I think I would. Give your lovely wife a treat whilst you are hanging around waiting to do your visits. Take her out for meals and buy her a present. It sounds like she deserves it.

March Tue 26-Oct-21 17:11:04

It depends on how much notice you've given them, you're also abit unreasonable to presume you can stay with them for days on end especially if they've already made plans.

You can't expect them to drop everything on short notice.

GG65 Tue 26-Oct-21 17:24:03

You’re being unreasonable. It might be the only time off you’re wife can get, but that doesn’t mean it automatically suits your children.

They are happy to see you and host you whilst you are here. Just not every day. What’s wrong with that?

You don’t seem prepared to compromise at all. That’s not fair. Especially when you expect to be staying in their homes.

M0nica Tue 26-Oct-21 17:29:26

Did you consult with your children before fixing the dates you came over to the UK.

Our DGC live 200 miles away and we always work out together when it will be convenient to visit. We also always, now stay in a hotel when we visit. We used to stay with DDiL's mother, but she is now 86, and finds coping with overnight visitors exhausting, we are 10 years younger,

What was your relationship like before COVID and how did your divorce from their mother affect them.

There are always so many aspects to a problem beyond the statement of the bald facts.

freedomfromthepast Tue 26-Oct-21 17:45:43

I think you are being unreasonable.

How much notice have your given them? Did you ask them if that time is good for them or just call them up and say, hey we are coming dust off the pillow shams?

Working families with children make plans months in advance. It seems as though they have previously made plans and have friends and family already staying over. They are accommodating you where they can.

MissAdventure Tue 26-Oct-21 17:46:09

It depends on how much notice you've given, as one factor.
The other factor is that you choose to live abroad, so perhaps it is a bit unreasonable to expect to be accommodated?
There are lots of things to think about.

Peasblossom Tue 26-Oct-21 17:53:30

Well, you made the decision to remove yourself from their immediate lives, to live at a distance and see them when it suited you.
In other words, you did what you wanted to do with your life.

And they’re doing what they want to do with their lives. Just like you.

You haven’t got a leg to stand on really.

crazyH Tue 26-Oct-21 17:55:08

Did you give them sufficient notice ? If you did, you have every right to feel upset. Considering you live abroad and don’t see them often, I think your visit should have been top priority.

Bibbity Tue 26-Oct-21 17:58:05

Sorry. YABU. All your post is about what works for you and your wife. Nothing about how you are accommodating their schedules.

Also arranging time with friends can be incredibly difficult. They could have had these dates booked in for ages and really want to see their friends.

What is your relationship like with them? How close are you? Because yes friends can trump relatives.

If your want to see them is larger than theirs to see you then you may need to work around this.

You are asking to be a guest in someone’s home. To interrupt their flow and they run things. So you should be a bit more accommodating.

Getting a hotel on holiday is not a ridiculous notion.

Norah Tue 26-Oct-21 17:58:05

Yes, YABU.

They made offers of Thursday and Friday night until Monday. You don't like the offers, YABU.

Smileless2012 Tue 26-Oct-21 18:08:07

I agree crazy.

Hithere Tue 26-Oct-21 18:21:34

Even if OP give enough notice, it doesnt mean he could be hoated in their homes.

What's wrong with hotels and bnbs?

Hithere Tue 26-Oct-21 18:22:02

Gave, not give

Smileless2012 Tue 26-Oct-21 18:24:50

What's wrong with putting up your dad and step mum for a few days when they live abroad and are coming over to see their AC and GC for a few days, who they haven't been able to spend much time with because of Covid?

Hithere Tue 26-Oct-21 18:27:00

Previous engagements, activities in the calendar, not having enough room in your home, experience with same guests in previous visits, etc

Kim19 Tue 26-Oct-21 18:29:36

Think it's pretty much always preferable to have independent digs.

Smileless2012 Tue 26-Oct-21 18:30:12

I'd have thought there'd be enough room in a house with 5 bedrooms.

freedomfromthepast Tue 26-Oct-21 18:31:36

Nothing is wrong with putting them up for a few days. That is exactly what his AC are doing. Allowing him and his wife to stay in their homes and visit for a few days while they are available during his planned trip.