Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Tired of being the 'every other weekend' girlfriend

(33 Posts)
Peacelily321 Fri 14-Jan-22 13:08:41

I've been in a relationship with a man for two years. We used to be friends in our twenties and then met up again just before the first lockdown and had two dates before we couldn't see each other for a while. We have since been dating but it has to be every other weekend because he has teenage children in another county who he has on alternate weekends. He also has a job which starts at 5am every morning and is long distance driving, so even if we wanted to have week day dates in the evenings, he's too tired to come over because he's falling asleep by 8pm.
We do have a few things in common but there is also the issue of him living with his mum since his divorce. She is quite religious so she doesn't like the idea of me staying over unless we get married, which I respect.
I have my own house and mortgage etc and I work full time and I'm generally a person who likes to be planning towards me next dream or goal, whether it's saving for a nice trip away, or my next career move.
I'd like to think my partner was the same but the fact is, he isn't. In two years, I haven't seen him aspiring to find a place of his own. Even though he says he hates his current career and wants to move into something more 9-5 so he can see me, I haven't seen him looking at alternatives and how to move towards those.
Every other weekend, he arrives at mine with a bag of supermarket food and beer, and the routine is he helps cook dinner, then drinks 4 cans of beer, falls asleep, then wants to go for a bike ride with me on the weekend. We have tried to go on adventures and have had two nice trips to Scotland but now he wants to plan another cycling trip to Scotland and I think I've reached a crunch point.
I am bored and disheartened and just don't feel I have any bond with him.
He forgot to give me a Christmas card, even though he bought me a lovely, well thought out bracelet but I'm a person who values a card with words of affirmation more than any present.
Friends say I'm lucky and that I should keep trying to make it work but my heart is screaming no now. I'm getting to the stage where I'm dreading the weekend he's due to come over because I know exactly how it'll be and I don't want to cuddle up to someone I saw two weeks ago. There's just no want and I am feeling neglected.
I've tried having this conversation with him but he just doesn't seem to get the message and things don't really change.
Am I just being overly critical or do I have a point?
I was very hurt in a previous relationship which is why I may have jogged along with this one for two years but I have this feeling that the authentic 'me' is trying to emerge now and she is wanting very different things.

Baggs Fri 14-Jan-22 13:14:53

Sounds as if you've gone off him because he doesn't fit your requirements. So tell him the relationship's over.

ginny Fri 14-Jan-22 13:19:42

Just be kindly honest. Tell him you are not enjoying the way things are and feel you both need to move on.

Redhead56 Fri 14-Jan-22 13:52:46

Your partner sounds very set in his ways and dare I say boring. Going for a walk a meal and drink is a nice way to spend time together. Having a meal cooked is nice but sitting there with four cans sounds like being with the lads. There is nothing wrong with that but your time is limited together. He is busy and only sees you every fortnight then goes asleep in your company. He wants to go cycling has he got the energy for that and does it interest you? discuss what you want to do. You need to make the most of your time together. It does sound like you need to talk obviously hints are not getting through.

Hithere Fri 14-Jan-22 14:00:09

A red flag I see is an adult man following his mother's religious rules - does it mean he is also that religious or doesn't want to offend her?

He also doesn't want to move out.
How long has he been living here?

He also complains about his job but does nothing to change it, so I guess he doesn't hate it that much

This relationship doesn't work for you and it is ok! Break it off and look for a more compatible match

Peacelily321 Fri 14-Jan-22 14:10:33

To give a bit more information, he was working in North Wales, driving up there on Sunday evening to start early Monday, then coming back Friday evening. He literally had nowhere to live as he slept out in the lorry! I complained and he found a job back in our hometown, which is an hour's drive from my current home (I moved counties twenty years ago) so at least he had a base at his mum's to study for qualifications and have more evenings. He has started retaking a GCSE so he can be more employable and he isn't religious like his mum. But I don't know. I feel like there just isn't enough oomph under this man.
He's finally settled his divorce and has money enough in the bank for a house deposit but he complains that his current salary won't cover mortgage repayments and he won't pursue shared ownership properties (which are still something in this unaffordable day and age as you are still contributing to a mortgage on a house that's likely to go up in value).
He's had two years to sort things out.
In that time, I was made redundant and walked into a new job the following Monday, have gained two professional qualifications, bought a new house, landscaped a garden and have recently taken on an allotment. I do feel like I'm carrying this person, even though we don't share any finances or commitments.
His children are lovely, which is a huge bonus but I'm nervous about hurting their feelings by getting too close when I'm so undecided myself.

Riverwalk Fri 14-Jan-22 14:16:14

He has started retaking a GCSE so he can be more employable

How old are you both?

Peacelily321 Fri 14-Jan-22 14:18:10

Mid forties

GagaJo Fri 14-Jan-22 14:22:14

I've been in this position. For some people, relationships are a part-time thing and just aren't their priority. Not all relationships end in being full on and committed. If that's what you want and not what he wants, maybe you're just not compatible.

If on the other hand, he's just not that experienced with relationships, maybe a talk about how you move forward to being more full-time might help?

Indifference is a killer to relationship's tho, so if you're at that point, it might be over.

Peacelily321 Fri 14-Jan-22 14:29:59

When we've discussed his previous marriage (to a lady that I like and get on with, who has been nothing but welcoming), he doesn't really have too much insight, but I imagine they split for the reasons I'm discovering now: that he was always away driving and she was left bringing up two children during the week and holding down a job etc. It can't have been easy.
He is extremely likeable and his current boss thinks he's brilliant but he's on a different path I feel. I'm setting greater expectations for my life and he won't ever feel he can keep up.
I've stopped talking about plans and money because he gets really defensive so I may need to just be really truthful and kind and say it's not going to work.

Riverwalk Fri 14-Jan-22 14:32:06

I think you're just at different stages - he's not long out of his marriage and has teenaged children and is back living with his mother, and you're more settled.

And as he's a long-distance lorry driver I can understand why he would go cycling in his leisure time.

Kali2 Fri 14-Jan-22 14:33:50

only you know what you want or can accept.

Dinahmo Fri 14-Jan-22 14:37:06

If you like him, continue to have the occasional date but no more than that. I feel that you will eventually come to resent him which is not good.

You seem to have done well in planning your life over the last couple of years - long may you continue with your upward trend.

Esspee Fri 14-Jan-22 14:44:19

Time to move on.
I notice you didn’t mention your passion for the man. How you can’t wait to be in his arms, how you spend all your time when he is away FaceTiming or phoning each other….
You are a convenient bolt hole each other weekend. Act accordingly.

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 14-Jan-22 15:08:52

Whether you’re being over ‘critical or have a point’ is neither here nor there. You’ve really answered your own problem. It’s not working is it? Just finish.

Pepper59 Fri 14-Jan-22 16:06:12

I really could not be bothered with all the hassle this relationship seems to bring, apart from that you just don't have anything in common. This is only my opinion but sadly this relationship is not going to work. I really don't understand why he has to live with his mother. If he does not want/cannot afford to buy a house, he could rent. Is he waiting for you to suggest that he moves in, so you can take over from where his mum left off? Im sorry if this comes across as hurtful, but it is my honest opinion. Personally, I would be happier on my own than with this man.

lemongrove Fri 14-Jan-22 16:22:34

Don’t carry on with a relationship that you are in two minds about.
Better to be alone or look for somebody who fits the criteria you are hoping for.Ultimately better for him and his children too.Good luck.

AGAA4 Fri 14-Jan-22 16:38:11

I'm dreading the weekend he's due to come over

I feel this says a lot. If you don't look forward to seeing him it seems that this relationship is not working for you. You deserve better than this.

PinkCosmos Fri 14-Jan-22 16:49:06

What do you do with your time when you are not with this man?

Do you have other friends or interests?

Maybe you should try to build life away from this relationship. After all, one weekend every two weeks isn't much of a relationship anyway.

You sound like a hard working determined person. Could you encourage him to have a proper plan to get out of his current situation that he will agree to. If he does agree but there is no progress after say, six months, I would very seriously consider calling it a day as I suspect this relationship will never change.

BlueBelle Fri 14-Jan-22 16:59:16

I feel rather sorry for this man he sounds as if he’s trying to start again in all areas
You have a moan because he gives you a nice present but not a card !!! Blimey
I don’t think you’re compatible but I m not sure it’s all his fault you re just different people wanting different things
I don’t think you should try and change him
Move on if you don’t love him..ll. I haven’t seen that word mentioned

Sparklefizz Fri 14-Jan-22 16:59:21

He's not going to change.
He's had 2 years to make improvements and he's done nothing.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

You're not compatible.

Patsy70 Fri 14-Jan-22 17:32:24

Move on fast, no point in waiting as you’re incompatible, unhappy and you have higher aspirations!

Elizabeth27 Fri 14-Jan-22 17:52:00

You are obviously not compatible, don't know why you are still together.

GagaJo Fri 14-Jan-22 17:52:19

I completely agree with Sparklefizz here, When people show you who they are, believe them.

What you see is not what you get. It's what they are.

Sad for him really. You can move on but his life sounds dire. I wouldn't want to be him.

Pammie1 Fri 14-Jan-22 17:58:56

If you feel like this in your mid forties then I think it may be time to move on. He sounds very set in his ways and there are a few red flags in your post. I think at the very least you need to have an honest conversation with him and be up front about what you want from life. If he doesn’t want the same, then move on.