I don't understand

It sounds like you’ve got yourself into a bit of a cycle, which needs breaking. Are you on your own? Have other friends? It may be you’re coming across as needy. I’m not saying you are, but this may be how it looks.

Of course, the obvious thing would be to talk to your son. Maybe you could start by saying you’re just backing off for now, as your presence seems to irritate your DIL.

Take care of yourself.

Don’t take your DIL teaching the kids to speak differently as an insult to you - she’s just got a clear idea of how she’d prefer them to sound, and it would be the same if they picked up habits she didn’t like from friends. It definitely shows how close the two of you are!

That you are to your DGC, I mean.

If she has a new baby maybe she was understandably stressed when you phoned. I don’t have dils but my sils do not contact us and we rarely contact them. My dds woukd say it’s up to their husbands to deal with their family, and dds with us.
If you and her parents are friendly I would try to ignore, and not overthink, it usually makes matters worse.
Congratulations on your new grandchild.

I think you have been very naughty joining in with this behaviour to be honest. Why not help her on Christmas day when she has a new baby?You need to rise above it

I do have a husband he can't stand her , he believes she thinks she's better than us, she doesn't have a problem with him, we have visited in the past , we always check it's okay, one time she made him a cup of tea and said to me , oh you didn't want one did you, I found it funny my husband was furious, I try very hard to keep a sense of humour but like I said it's starting to bother me, she's very influential with my son and I don't want to cause a problem with them, I'm just concerned about my GDs opinion of me

JaneJudge

I think you have been very naughty joining in with this behaviour to be honest. Why not help her on Christmas day when she has a new baby?You need to rise above it

?

britgran
You certainly do have your share of family problems, don’t you.

@silverlining48 sorry I seem to have misled you my youngest GD is now 11 so the Christmas incident was 10 yrs ago, this has been going on for a long time , I understand my son being the one to buy our cards and talk to us , but why does she act like we don't exist, it's pretty obvious she dislikes me, sorry I don't really know why I posted in the first place, maybe this pandemic is getting to me

I see red flags in your OP

It does not matter you are amused by her comments and do not take offense, obviously she has issues with things you do.

1. She didn't like the way you spoil her kids- what did you do to spoil them?

2. You called your middle gc bonkers - not nice, OP!
What does it have to do with your dil talking about you in front of the children?

3. Dil and son were hosting xmas dinner and she just gave birth, right?

'I wanted to help her as we were there for the day so I offered to make sausage rolls and generally help out, Christmas morning I called to ask what time should we arrive, my son asked her what time is dinner, she didn't realise I was on the phone and said ..... ask your mother since she's taken over.... I was mortified and if it wasn't Christmas we wouldn't have gone, we did go I was very childish and did nothing to help, though stayed friendly, she doesn't have to like me I'm okay with that"

This is very telling.
Your dil's comment makes me think there is a lot of missing information and background.

Furthermore, you went and admitted you were childish and didn't help.
Why did you go to Xmas dinner if you were already in a bad mood and spoil it for you and everybody else?

A lot of missing information here.
Your son finds your comments funny, you minimize and disregard your dil's feelings about events...

Would love to hear the other side.

MerylStreep

britgran
You certainly do have your share of family problems, don’t you.

My other son has mental health problems....... these things are sent to try us

Try and forget about Christmas if it was 10/11 years ago. Do you get on alright with your grandchildren? I don't think you need to have a close relationship with their Mother to have a close relationship with them and I think communication does often go through your child rather than in law, it certainly does in our families.

Did you ever apologize for your behaviour that Xmas?

If these events took place years ago, have you had more recent incidents?

Nothing happens in a vaccum

@ Hithere
1. She didn't like the way you spoil her kids- what did you do to spoil them? I would have bought them an ice cream if we were at the beach or bought them back a gift (not expensive, maybe something like hairbands) when we went on holiday.
2. You called your middle gc bonkers - not nice, OP!
What does it have to do with your dil talking about you in front of the children?
I was playing with her she was acting silly and making me laugh , I said she was bonkers it was funny, she repeated what she heard her mother say to my son.
In my opinion she doesn't have to like me that's why I don't take offence, my son laughs it off so as to keep the peace, I didn't go there Christmas day in a bad mood, when I was on the phone I was embarrassed that she had taken my offer to help as trying to take over and yes it was probably childish of me to not help more in case she was angered more

The Christmas incident was just an example I can assure you all I am not fixated on it, over the years there have been many different issues which leads me to believe she dislikes me, I posted because I am concerned she is influencing my GDs against me, and I don't know how to deal with it and no I haven't apologised for my behaviour at Christmas I have nothing to apologise for

Oh right, I thought it was this Christmas. Sometimes in laws may not get on but as long as oil covers any troubled water peace should reign. Your GC are old enough to make up their own minds. Try not to worry,

A good relationship with gc starts with a good relationship with the parents

Parents do not appreciate being put in second place over their kids- when grandparents are involved

Kids are smart anyway and are able to make assessments by themselves.

What you did that xmas was very wrong.

You do not have to deal with anything at all - you are making it way worse
Let it be. You are creating your own problem

Like I said at the beginning....break the cycle. Do your own thing.

Your GCs can make their own minds up, especially now they’re older. Unfortunately, if they can tell you don’t like their mum then that’s probably going to make them cool off on you.

We use WhatsApp to contact our son and DiL. Initially we contacted our son on his own because we thought our DiL wouldn't want her phone pinging while she was working all hours at the office. Consequently we didn't have much contact with her. After their baby was born and DiL was at home all day we set up a new group for them both. DiL doesn't need to reply if she doesn't want to. In fact she does and it's worked very well. Would it be worth asking your son what he thinks of the idea? It might be the start of better communication. Maybe your DiL thinks you're just not interested in her?

britgran, it appears as if you are expecting more than you are getting. There's no reason why we'd like our in-laws - any more than a random stranger. Just be grateful that you get to see your grandchildren, you get along with your son - and there's no estrangement.

Rather than expecting others to change, perhaps review your own behaviour. Don't make things worse, just ignore the petty irritations, be warm and helpful, available for babysitting and emergencies - but in the background, that's the best way.

There is no rule to say we have to get on with our AC spouses and partners, nor that they should like us.

Personally, in a situation like this, I would just keep quiet, say little or nothing when she is around and ignore anything offensive that she says to you by not responding to it. And stop endlessly thinking things that happened a long time ago. Find something else to spend your worrying time. Anything from reading to kick boxing!

I seem to have misled you my youngest GD is now 11 so the Christmas incident was 10 yrs ago
Seriously? You’re allowing something that happened 10 years ago to rankle in your mind and sour your relationship with your son and his whole family?
Of course your DiL influences your son. She’s his wife. I agree with Hithere, that you need a good relationship with the parents before you can expect a good one with their children.

I feel like I'm on the defensive here, I'm a grown up intelligent adult my DIL doesn't like me and she doesn't have to, I am always friendly and to keep everything calm I jump to her tune, I babysit when her parents can't I never ever buy the girls anything without asking her opinion that's birthdays and Christmas, even though I make sure she knows what I'm getting them on occasions her sisters have bought the same and I've had to return my gift, I've gone along with her, I wouldn't dream of undermining her with the girls, I'm not stupid I'd always and do support her if one of the girls have a moan about her ,as kids do, I don't expect everyone to agree with my views and I'm not perfect, I won't post again thank you