Estranged step daughter making contact

I'm not sure why you are so upset. Surely it's up to your husband whether he wants to see his daughter or not. How does he feel? You say you are trying to be matter of fact, but your strong emotions burst through. I would say nothing. Presumably she was young when her parents split up. She's made a first step at rapprochement. Ultimately it's up to your husband, not you. She's his child.

What does your husband want to do?

A very difficult situation shodg and I understand your feelings. Has your DH said how he feels about meeting up with his D?

If he's happy to do so, he may get some answers to some of your questions, for example why she's waited so long and depending on how this goes, it may help to put some of your concerns regarding her motives to rest.

As a first step meeting, try to be as supportive and understanding as you can and see what transpires. If more meetings are suggested that you will also be excluded from, that would be the time IMO to tell your DH how you feel.

You say you have a 33 year old son so have been together a long time. It may be necessary for his D to be reminded that you come as a pair and perhaps be made aware that any future relationship she has with her father will include you as his wife and mother to his son.

shodg

I understand you are concerned for your husband and you are a couple but this is between him and his daughter.

You may have no idea what happened or why his daughter made this decision and is now seeking to try and have a relationship so it's not right to guess why this might be happening now.

I think your place here is to stay positive and support your husband in his choices... Meaning these feelings should be kept away from your husband right now, especially if you have decided you want no contact.

If you want no contact, that is your decision but not a decision you can make for another adult.

I think he may love the chance to see his daughter and meet him Grandchildren, who knows why it’s taken her all this time but I think it’s only fair you let him make the decision.

Listen yo uiur husband and find out how he feels. Support him in what he wants to do. If he meets her find out how it went and how feels. And take it from there.. counselling may ir may not be needed. Being "strangers" doesn't preude going into this with an open mind

Not sure why you are angry with your SIL Zhe was contacted by her niece, as a go between, so she acted as that with her brother

Good luck

Even if he agrees to meet her I wouldn't meet her children until the relationship between them is a bit more established as that can be confusing for them and too much emotionally for him. Has your SiL been in regular contact with her during this time or was it a random contact from the step daughter ? Perhaps starting contact by letter or phone call in the first instance might be better. That way there is a level of control over the emotional side progress can be made after that. Is her mother still alive do you know? I think the times we are living in has brought people's focus more onto family connections and their history. I would let him make the decision if he wants to contact her but I would ask your SiL to not interfere or encourage if he decides he doesn't want to.

Their relationship is nothing to do with you. He walked on a child who had no control of the relationships. Her aunt has facilitated contact between her niece and her brother. Again you do not need to be involved.

Once she has established then maybe she will want to meet you. Alternatively she may just wish to be involved with her father.

Good advice 62Granny especially about meeting the children in the first instance, just in case it doesn't go well or there aren't any future meetings.

'Phone contact to begin with is a good way of having boundaries which is a good thing for all concerned.

I don’t think you have the right to control your husbands relationship with his child unless he has asked you to intervene
You say you are very angry with your sister in laws but in your post you say the daughter asked the sister in law to act on her behalf, so why be so cross with the sister in law?
I don’t want any contact with his daughter you don’t need to have any contact it’s her father she wants to see
You say Why now ? Maybe the daughter has heard he’s been ill and does want to build bridges before it’s too late

I think go slowly is good advice and don’t insist on being part of it all unless your husband wants you there it’s really for him and her to build their bridges If he walked out on her it’s perhaps taken a while for her to want to see him and build a relationship I think you should keep out of it in the initial meetings and wait to be invited to join any meetings without jealousy or control

It's neither here nor there that you don't like the idea.
She is your husbands daughter, and it's for them to work out between them.

Thank you for your replies. Sound advice to support and wait to see how DH feels when he meets up with his daughter. I was actually surprised at my strength of feeling when I found out about the arranged meeting. I think I felt excluded and that my sister in law had interfered and arranged the meeting in secret. You are right. Not my business until I’m asked to be involved . Thank you for all your replies.

Hope it all works out well for you.
Good luck!

Your initial reaction is understandable and it's good that you felt able to talk about it here before saying anything to your DH, and take on board the responses you've had.

I also hope everything works out well for all concerned and wish you luck.

I hope it works out well for you too.

Hmmmmm, please dont read my words as harsh, its difficult when its just words typed out.

Im thinking there is some jealousy there when you say you don't want to meet up with your DH daughter, im guessing you may see it as interference in the relationship you have, like i say, its not written in a harsh manner x

This D was only a child when her parents split, so an awful lot of negative feelings will be there and despite all that has gone on, his D may be putting that to 1 side and want to build bridges.

Yes, there is room for scepticism there, its probably inevitable but i would keep my scepticism hidden and ask your DH how he feels, put his cards on the table and take it from there.

shodg

Thank you for your replies. Sound advice to support and wait to see how DH feels when he meets up with his daughter. I was actually surprised at my strength of feeling when I found out about the arranged meeting. I think I felt excluded and that my sister in law had interfered and arranged the meeting in secret. You are right. Not my business until I’m asked to be involved . Thank you for all your replies.

It's a big change for you but I think as long as you keep your mind open and focus on supporting your husband, no matter what happens you have done the right thing

I think it is your business. You’ve been married to him for 40 years. The same as me and my husband. Admitted...he has no other history, being only 15 when we met!

Of course he should meet his daughter if he wants to. I’m sure he’ll be over the moon to meet his grandchildren. However, if it were me...I would tread carefully until he is well enough. This is where you come in...and have every right to.

I don’t think a few more months will make that much difference to his reconciliation, but it could to his health, if he goes in too quick.

It’s lovely his daughter wants contact. All the best.

Forty years of marriage or life partnership means shared experience and commitment. Posters who say it’s nothing to do with you seem to me to be forgetting what a 40 year relationship involves, additionally if there are children.

I agree Iam and to be excluded from such an important event can't be easy.

All your responses have helped me. I’m going to distance myself for now and see what happens. Such a change in family dynamics will be challenging at 65. I’ll have to see if it’s something I can accept as it develops. Thanks again

shodg

Thank you for your replies. Sound advice to support and wait to see how DH feels when he meets up with his daughter. I was actually surprised at my strength of feeling when I found out about the arranged meeting. I think I felt excluded and that my sister in law had interfered and arranged the meeting in secret. You are right. Not my business until I’m asked to be involved . Thank you for all your replies.

Your reaction was human and good that you could have a bit of a rant on here, get some good advice and listen to it. After 40 years of marriage of course it is a relevant part of your relationship and an aspect where you can support your husband, as partners do!
Good Luck

A child deserves both parents however old they are. I can understand your initial upset and concern about motives but having children of her own might mean she actually has an emotional “need” to see her dad at this time of her life for all sorts of reasons.
It might not turn out to be as bad as you think. Step back and see what happens. Support your husband but keep out of it & keep a low profile. You might be pleasantly surprised.

I was wondering has her mum passed away and maybe she never free to meet her dad while her mum was involved. Just a thought.