Is this enough in your view ?

No helpful advice but your post is an Awful Warning to those of us living alone. As a friend of my dear MiL said to me, “Nobody wants to visit a miserable old woman so I keep my woes to myself”. Excellent advice which I try to follow! I

Mum has friends, although some have died - she plays cards, visits gardens, has lunches. All of this and still it’s not quite enough

One problem of age - outliving your friends and perhaps siblings.
Some people are quite content with spending time alone at home although they also enjoy outings with friends. Others can't bear to be home alone.

Does she have an iPad or tablet? What about suggesting she joins Gransnet? Wordle? Solitaire?
wordfinder.yourdictionary.com/blog/best-free-online-word-games-for-seniors/

I’ve suggested U3A - she plays scrabble/ other games on her ipad … she uses email and also still drives. I’ve suggested some volunteering maybe reading at a school (she could sit down and small chunks of time). All met with a ‘oh that’s not for me’ response !
Thank you for responses so far !

Outliving friends must be miserable. I can’t imagine how that must be….

@GrannySomerset - I don’t mind some woes, that’s life but all the time can get a bit much. I simply ‘mmm hmm’ at them !

It is sadly a common issue in this board

You have to decide how much you can do and set boundaries

Don't allow her to guilt trip you. As 'Dad passed away a while ago' I expect that she's still adjusting to living alone. Perhaps she'd enjoy a regular Zoom meeting with the family? We do this weekly, although there's no obligation to always check in.

I do hope my children aren't doing 'duty visits'. Sometimes I feel that they visit too often (and stay too long) as I get tired.

You sound like a lovely,caring family and your Mum sounds alright,too. She is missing her husband still ,that constant company that you get used to and that is probably why she wants to be with you so much. Just natural really but I am sure she will know deep down that your own immediate family comes first. Having lost another friend last week myself to an unexpected heart attack ,it does shake you up and make you feel a bit isolated knowing they are no longer there to chat with.

You all sound lovely. I don’t think your mum realises how Lucky she is, I would stick to your boundaries, they’ll come in useful when she’s 90 like my mum, and has outlived all her friends and relies on me, an only one and two grandsons for company. The guilt is terrible, and I honestly don’t know how to deal with that either.
I agree it’s very waring. I visit mum twice a week, because she is so miserable when I visit, it takes me a day to calm back down again.

Thank you all for your helpful messages. I think I know the answer really - I suppose it feels sad to see someone lonely but know you can’t completely fix it. Part of us probably subconsciously knows its how it might also be for us and it’s a scary thought. I am very grateful for your messages. Have a lovely day !

Please stick to your boundaries and remember age is still just a number. She is plainly lonely but wanting to have things her way ( naturally) you must stay firm or more resentfulness will occur. It might even be kinder to be straight with her. There is nothing like honesty.
Maybe you could work together to ensure she has at least a day a week from one of you to look forward to for something to even if it’s not as much as a whole Sunday lunch.

Is there maybe a lunch club locally?
I used to work with an charity organisation who ran these.
They collected members in a small coach/?bus and each fortnight/month went out somewhere for lunch.
New friends, new places and a trip. It wasn't expensive.

Does she like cats? Cats are apparently less trouble than dogs but it would be something to talk to.

Personally, if someone brought me a cat I would say no thank you! but if she is a cat person having one to care for and talk to might ease her loneliness.

You are doing enough. Your mum is very lucky to have you and your two siblings all living reasonably nearby and visiting and spending time with her regularly. Of course she misses your dad but she must adjust to life without him now. It’s difficult for her but it’s not up to you to fill his place completely. Don’t worry because you’re doing enough. Don’t let her guilt trip you into doing more because you could live to regret it.

Perhaps you could suggest that she joins Gransnet. It can be addictive and use up huge chunks of the day, which might be just what your mother needs! She doesn't need to participate much or at all if she doesn't want to, but just following threads and getting to recognise some of the regulars and their stories would give her an interest as well as making her count her blessings!

KatyJ I’m in a similar position to you. My mother is 94 and a half now and lives in a beautiful care home (for the last year since her third fall in six months caused her to break her shoulder.) She takes no part in the many lovely activities that the home provides despite my encouragement. I’ve given up now because all she wants is for me to visit her every day. I don’t go every day (I used to, and also when she lived in her sheltered apartment too) because with the encouragement of helpful posters on Gransnet I know it’s unreasonable to do so, but I feel very guilty for not doing as she wishes. Her life is horrible, she’s unable to stand up or walk any longer and needs a hoist to get her into and out of bed. She suffers from many ailments, some real, others imaginary. She requests to see the doctor every week with some ailment or other. She complains a lot, and says she wants to die. Does she? Or is it attention seeking? She’s always been an attention seeker all her life. And not a particularly good mother either. It’s hard Katy and I hope the situation doesn’t go on too long for you. My situation seems to be lasting forever to me. My sister takes little interest and absolutely no responsibility. She has mental issues and lives 250 miles away. She never visits at all. When we lived 250 miles away we visited mother several times a year and brought her to visit us.
My advice to you and the OP is to try to not feel guilty, but I know it’s hard because I battle with guilt myself.

We had this with my late MIL,we saw her ,had her stay a week or two every few weeks and I called her most days .Her daughter restrcted visits to delivering her shopping once a week .
MIL was lonely mainly because of covid and she asked me if I'd go and live with her for half the week ...every week .Much as I loved her ,and I did ,I refused .I felt and still feel guilty about it but I have a daughter who is chronically ill grandchildren I help with and a husband with a heart condition.
I know she was hurt that I said no,she knew she could move in with us but she didn't want to move that far from her other family and friends .Sadly she died just before Christmas .
Advice? Just do what you can and make sure she knows you love her but that you need family time too.See if you can find a club she can go to during the week and I believe that AGE UK have telephone befrienders who will call for a chat .
Its really hard to step back when you know they need you but dont be like me ,I should have had words with my SIL and made sure she took her share of caring ,get your siblings to be more involved if you can.Good luck with this .

I can understand how you feel, GibraltarRock42, it's like being a piece of elastic, being pulled in all directions.

What a lovely helpful bunch you are ! …. It’s given me a bit of perspective.

Good to hear from you again Maddy. Sorry your mum is so poorly, and things are still difficult, I agree that it seems to be going on forever. I also resonate with the piece of elastic Callistemon I think mine will break soon it’s very stretched between mum , work and Granddchildren.
I fantasise about running away with DH somewhere lovely, but of course the love for my family keep me going.
The boundaries thing is very important, but even with that, it’s difficult, it stills takes over a big chunk of your headspace ? we’re hoping to get away soon, but wether I’ll be able to relax is another thing.

We have an organisation called Good Life Sorted. They are wonderful and provide a companion for however long you need. Age UK provide visitors. Sometimes the church will provide visitors. Communicare will prove people to take your mum shopping.

IMO you are certainly doing enough and so is the rest of the family.

From your description your mother is still able to get around, to take care of herself and to garden.

She may, like most, after a long marriage feel lonely and not really up to coping alone, but do continue to encourage her to do so, rather than allowing her to take the easy option and become dependent on her adult children for "curing" her lonliness - only she can do that, by getting out and doing things while she still can.

Thanks for your comments Katy. I do hope things will improve for you soon. And for me too. The OP’s mother is only 80 and quite likely to live a good while yet, so it’s imperative that she sets boundaries now rather than arrive in the situation I’m in later on in a few years time. Good luck to you Katy and to the OP.

I think you sound a supportive family so your mum is very lucky , so many Ac turn a blind eye,