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(100 Posts)
Marg195 Thu 30-Jun-22 11:43:50

We have 2 grandchildren who live minutes away. Parents not married. My son seems to make every excuse under the sun for us not to see them. We see them once a month if we are lucky ! They are always busy and we don’t seem to fit into their lives. I find this very upsetting and fear for the future. My husband is retired and I intend to work till next summer. We have lots to give, but always being given the brush off. I feel like I want to sever my ties as it makes me so upset. Am I being unreasonable?

Elizabeth27 Thu 30-Jun-22 11:59:32

What are they busy with and how old are they? if they are genuinely too busy to see you arrange outings or visits a long way ahead.

If you think there is another reason they do not want to see you then a conversation needs to be had with your son, asking for an honest reason.

Marg195 Thu 30-Jun-22 12:02:42

1 and 5 the children are. His partner involves her parents all the while. I’m at a loss as to what we have done

Grandmabatty Thu 30-Jun-22 12:04:48

Yes, you are being unreasonable unless there's a huge back story. Their married state is irrelevant. You see them every month. Of course you would like to see more of them but if they have a busy life then accept what they offer. You don't say how old your grandchildren are?

Namsnanny Thu 30-Jun-22 12:08:16

I sympathise flowers but I have found to my cost that in a situation like this nothing YOU do will l alter their position. if anything they will set harder boundaries if you complain, then use your natural feelings of frustration against you, to strengthen their reasoning for their behaviour.
Truth be told, they can do as they wish, without regard for your feelings, or it has to be said for the feelings of their children.
Sorry to be down on your post.
In your position I would carry on without complaining. Unless you really want to not see them at all, which I can understand.
Perhaps someone else will have a different experience.
flowers

Elizabeth27 Thu 30-Jun-22 12:09:31

So sad that the family of the mother always seems to get to see the children more.

It is up to your son to make sure you get more visits. Ask him outright if you have done something they are not happy with, if there is no real reason then your son needs to stand up for you.

March Thu 30-Jun-22 12:10:03

So you'd rather not see them at all?

One child is at school 6 hours a day so guessing they have weekends free? Maybe they are genuinely busy/have things planned.

Smileless2012 Thu 30-Jun-22 12:37:29

It's so unfair when one set of GP's see the GC so much more than the other but is often the case. Once a month may not seem very often but it's better than nothing Marg believe me, so make the most of the time you do have together.

You could have a word with your son but it might be best to let sleeping dogs lie.


































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Smileless2012 Thu 30-Jun-22 12:38:11

No idea why that's happened to my postconfused.

Marg195 Thu 30-Jun-22 12:46:06

Thanks everyone
Just getting over covid and everything seems to be worse than it is ! We have had counselling to deal with this. But it was all about pushing to sort things out. As much as we’ve tried we are not pushy parents x

twiglet77 Thu 30-Jun-22 12:53:11

You’re being unreasonable, it’s their turn to enjoy being parents without having to accommodate a clingy grandparent.

Urmstongran Thu 30-Jun-22 12:56:24

Limited contact is upsetting but better than no contact. Smile, remember to be happy to see all of them (not just the grandchildren). You may find the situation improves in time so try not to judge and fill your time in other ways while you wait.

Good luck & happy retirement!

AGAA4 Thu 30-Jun-22 13:14:36

I think we can forget how busy life can be with work and young children. It can be difficult to fit in time for others.
Seeing them once a month is good. Many GPs would be very happy with that arrangement.
Try not to let resentment colour your time with them and don't worry about how often the other GPs see them. That has nothing to do with you.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 30-Jun-22 13:19:44

They are busy. You don’t say, but I expect at least one of them works full time and everything has to be fitted into weekends - not only household stuff but their social lives and whatever activities the older child is involved in. You’re very lucky if they find time for you once a month. You really must lower your expectations. It’s natural for a mother to gravitate more towards her own parents. Be grateful for what you have.

kircubbin2000 Thu 30-Jun-22 13:25:02

I've got used to this since covid. Other gran lives down the road from them , also their cousins ,so I only see them for birthdays etc.
I have begun to enjoy the freedom now ,not having to do school runs etc and I know they appreciate the things kids did and learnt with me that other gran would not have done when they were young.

pandapatch Thu 30-Jun-22 13:35:35

Do you want to see the whole family or are you happy to look after the grandchildren to give the parents a break? We are very lucky as we get on very well with our son's lovely partner who involves us in their lives (sometimes too much so!!!!, our grandchildren are 1 & 3 - gorgeous but exhausting

crazyH Thu 30-Jun-22 13:36:15

Don’t rock the boat Marg95 - just be glad of the contact you do have - once a month is not too bad.
I have 3 children and 6 grandchildren (2 by each). 4 of the GC, I see regularly, the other two, not as often as I’d like to. As you say, d.i.l.’s parents see much more of the GC and may I add, do much more for the GC than I do. I am fine with it, as they are younger than me and there’s the two of them. I am on my own.

Sara1954 Thu 30-Jun-22 13:57:57

I’m sorry but I agree, you are being unreasonable, just make the most of the time you have with them, take them out, do fun stuff, the situation may change, but that’s up to them, not you.

Mine Thu 30-Jun-22 16:54:41

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and that you just want to see more of your grandchildren....I have a strange natured DIL who blows hot and cold... Iv been upset many times over similar situation but now I just enjoy my grandson when I see him and tell him how much we love him

welbeck Thu 30-Jun-22 17:02:09

you sound disapproving, so maybe if you are, that puts them off wanting to deal with you.
what is the relevance of their not being married.
you have to fit into their lives if you want contact.
they didn't have children to entertain you.
it's not like shares in a company.

Sara1954 Thu 30-Jun-22 17:03:07

One of our grandchildren who lives with us, sees her other grandma very infrequently. But she loves her, and is always exited to go and visit her.
It’s not always about the quantity of time, just make sure they enjoy their time with you.

Hithere Thu 30-Jun-22 19:25:01

YABU

Mandrake Fri 01-Jul-22 04:42:32

Once a month is very reasonable. If they just have the weekends, then having to fit in other family members and friends too means they have to make room for everyone important to them. Then have some quiet time together as a family as well. Once a month is good.

imaround Fri 01-Jul-22 04:56:54

Marg195

Thanks everyone
Just getting over covid and everything seems to be worse than it is ! We have had counselling to deal with this. But it was all about pushing to sort things out. As much as we’ve tried we are not pushy parents x

You had counseling with who? You and your son?

DiamondLily Fri 01-Jul-22 09:56:34

It's never wise to make life all about your grandchildren.

All you can do is enjoy the times you do see them all, be fun (not complaining), so that they want to see you, and it's not just a duty.

Beware of sitting there complaining that you feel left out - it usually ends in tears.

Your DIL, like most women, will probably always be closer to her parents than her in-laws - all normal. Your son could, of course, bring the children to see you, but that depends of what your relationship with him is like.

Young parents often have hectic lives, what with work, the home, the children etc.

Weekends, they probably want to spend time enjoying their little family, or seeing friends. If you appear clingy or needy, they will back off still further.

If your DH is retired, and you'll be retiring soon, then organise some hobbies, pursuits, holidays etc that you can both enjoy, as a couple - separate from the family.

I'm not sure what the counselling was about, but I hope it helped.💐