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My dd has a baby the same age as she was when he cheated

(32 Posts)
mumx5 Sat 02-Jul-22 12:27:41

Oh dear, I do feel that I am being unreasonable, but I just feel so hurt at not being heard.

I have no siblings myself, but have four children, my eldest has a gorgeous 9mo baby, a loving supportive husband and no mortgage. I feel blessed that she is having such a different experience as a new parent to me.

For some reason, I want her to hear my story about when I was a mother to her, when she was the same age as her little baby. I think this is something to do with me being an immigrant and feeling very isolated.

She knows but refuses to know that her dad cheated when I was a new mother, and further, he told me that he and his girlfriend had never used birth control or protection. (The aspect of birth control is not something I would share with my dd, ie she could have had a half-sibling.). That aspect mattered to me of course.

We were married for 6 years when this happened (eventually divorced after 33 years.). I didn't know at the time, but he took my, my baby girl, his girlfriend, and her young daughter (not his), he took us all to the zoo together.

I don't know why I want my daughter to listen. I suppose it is because--at the time--it felt like he was cheating on not just me but his baby daughter. Taking time out of his life to pursue a separate relationship.

I accept that I have been triggered by her gorgeous daughter, and feeling so happy for her that her husband is supportive and there for her. I won't ever bring this up again with my daughter. I accept that to want her understanding is inappropriate and immature of me.

What are your kind thoughts on the matter? Thank you!

Grandmabatty Sat 02-Jul-22 12:31:12

Just don't. Your experience is not your daughter's. You risk your relationship with her. I'm not downplaying your experience as I've been there. If your daughter wants to know, she will ask.

Buttonjugs Sat 02-Jul-22 12:34:54

I had a difficult childhood and it led me to make a series of bad decisions. I am currently writing a book about my life for my children and my ex husband’s failings will be included. I won”t force them to read it, but it will be there should they feel inclined, even if it’s after we’re no longer here. Maybe you could do the same?

welbeck Sat 02-Jul-22 12:38:17

it's nothing to do with your daughter, and she doesn't want to know.
she has a healthy lifestyle and good relationships.
don't try to besmirch that with your own bad experiences. anyway you've said that you won't mention it to her again, which is good. and that you can see that it is inappropriate to do so.
but you have emotions too, and a backlog of some kind of trauma.
can you seek counselling, maybe online.
or find support from self-help groups, lots online. often those who have gone through similar are most supportive.
good luck.

crazyH Sat 02-Jul-22 12:38:18

mumx5 - I could have written your post. I have not discussed the details with any of my children. My daughter adores her father and probably blames me for our divorce There’s no point in telling her anything . My 2 sons don’t care one way or the other. Meanwhile, I just live with memories of an awful time in my life. My grandchildren keep me going….

crazyH Sat 02-Jul-22 12:39:48

Buttonjugs - I am thinking of doing that - writing a book…

Sussexborn Sat 02-Jul-22 12:47:48

Leave her to enjoy her pregnancy and new baby. Rehashing your past now will possibly cast a cloud over this joyous time and she’s likely to resent you.

It will be a one sided viewpoint and, unless he’s still in touch, she won’t know how he was feeling at the time. If he is just a cheating rat then remember her DNA is 50% from him and that fact might unsettle.her.

MissAdventure Sat 02-Jul-22 12:53:20

Perhaps you could think about counselling, so you could get the story out, without hurting your daughter?

sodapop Sat 02-Jul-22 12:53:53

I agree with your penultimate sentence mumx5 it is indeed inappropriate to share this with your daughter who is so happy with her own family.
I don't understand why you want to make her unhappy, just don't do it.

welbeck Sat 02-Jul-22 12:56:26

dear MissA; thank you for summing up so succinctly in two lines, what i was trying to say, but rambling on as usual. no wonder i never/ rarely get anything done. take care.

MissAdventure Sat 02-Jul-22 12:58:07

smile
Well, thank you very much!

BlueBelle Sat 02-Jul-22 13:19:45

No need to share with her write it all down for you it helps a lot
I found out a few years ago that my husband and a 17 year old had a baby a month after I had my last child He didn’t know and she put the baby up for adoption he had a great adopted life but found his father when he was in his 40 s my ex didn’t know he had another son They had a distant relationship after he found him and ex is dead now
It was a shock when I heard although we had long since parted and divorced but the thought that we were both pregnant together was a bit weird I ve met the lad a few times we re fine
I didn’t have to keep it from my children as their ‘distant’ unloving father told them before he told me 😂

Leave well alone let her be happy in her ignorance write it all down for your own healing

MissAdventure Sat 02-Jul-22 13:26:13

You could phone the samaritans, and get it off your chest, too.
They will just listen.

eazybee Sat 02-Jul-22 13:27:08

What are you thinking of?
Your daughter is at one of the happiest times of her life, and you want to wade in with stories of your unhappy experiences and presumably ruin her relationship with her father, if she has one. Why?
You need to think very carefully about your motives.This time is all about her, not you.
She may well know far more than you realise; my ex-husband behaved very badly but I never discussed details with my children. Only now am I learning how much they knew, and how little they think of their father, whilst maintaining a polite relationship with him.
.

Callistemon21 Sat 02-Jul-22 14:00:30

Your DD having a baby the same age as she was when this happened has doubtless brought it all back to you and you are reliving it all.

However, her relationship with her father is quite different to yours with him and it wouldn't be kind to burden her with this and make her worried and unhappy when she should be enjoying her baby.

As suggested, try counselling as you still have not come to terms with this.

Sara1954 Sat 02-Jul-22 14:16:52

The time around and after my eldest daughters birth was traumatic to say the very least.
I knew something had to be said, because if I didn’t say something she’d hear from other people.
I sat her down when I thought she was old enough to understand, and gave her the basic facts, but told her she could ask me anything at all when she’d had a chance to take it in, or any time at all.
She’s coming up fifty now, and she’s never mentioned it, I don’t think she’s interested.

mumx5 Sat 02-Jul-22 14:36:02

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, I appreciate every comment.

Yes, he also had a son when he was 16 and his gf was 15 and that young man was put up for adoption, coming into our lives when my ex added his details to an online adoption register when the lad was 34 years old.

I welcomed him in (after initial shock) and after writing back and forth to both of us for months, I asked if he wanted to meet his dad in person. Insisted ex fly over to meet his son, who I'll call Myles, which happened once and then the poor (35yo) guy died not long after. So my ex's first grandchildren were M's children, long before my eldest had her lovely baby.

Thanks again for reading and writing.

mumx5 Sat 02-Jul-22 15:16:40

mumx5

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, I appreciate every comment.

Yes, he also had a son when he was 16 and his gf was 15 and that young man was put up for adoption, coming into our lives when my ex added his details to an online adoption register when the lad was 34 years old.

I welcomed him in (after initial shock) and after writing back and forth to both of us for months, I asked if he wanted to meet his dad in person. Insisted ex fly over to meet his son, who I'll call Myles, which happened once and then the poor (35yo) guy died not long after. So my ex's first grandchildren were M's children, long before my eldest had her lovely baby.

Thanks again for reading and writing.

P.S. My GP thinks I may have autism

MissAdventure Sat 02-Jul-22 16:55:27

Good luck, mumx5.
I hope you feel a bit better for having told us, at least. flowers

mumx5 Sat 02-Jul-22 19:29:37

Looking forward to your book!

MissAdventure Sat 02-Jul-22 19:33:08

Not me, surely? smile
I can't even fill in a form these days.

Hithere Sat 02-Jul-22 21:49:24

I agree you need to address this past trauma with a professional
Please do not ask your daughter to be your therapist and be happy for her and her success in life

paddyann54 Sat 02-Jul-22 21:53:50

Please dont involve your daughter in your past ,its not of her making and she shouldn't be told .It would be very selfish to spoil her happiness just to make you feel better

Chewbacca Sat 02-Jul-22 22:00:46

Your daughter's joy of early motherhood should be left untarnished by your own unhappy memories. Please don't rain on her parade. She won't thank you for it.

VioletSky Sat 02-Jul-22 22:08:39

This is a burden on you, that is clear... but why would you, or anyone else, want to pass those burdens down to your children?

It is not your daughters burden to carry.

Her relationship with her father is seperate to you and something you should stay out of completely. You definitely should not speak negatively to her about him.

Try and put yourself in your daughters shoes... you may be recieved as jealous and controlling and deliberately trying to sabotage her happiness and mental health.

This is why parents have friends and people to confide in like trained professionals to process our negative feeling and emotions.

Please don't give your burdens to your daughter, find a way to put them down for yourself.