Daughter in law uncomfortable with people holding her baby .

It’s your dil and ds’s baby and they can care for him however they wish. You have had your chance to mother a baby and now it’s their time.

Why do you need to hold the baby anyway? Can you not just see him and listen to him on your visits and feel blessed to have this new family in your life?

Try your best to agree/tolerate it. I agree with you but it's their baby, their choices. The number of times I've zipped my lip when I wanted to say something are beyond belief. However, I'm here ten years and 2 GC later and they are a delightful family. Furthermore, we have an excellent relationship and that's wonderful to me. Might not have been so had I put in my tuppence (or more!) worth at the outset.'. Good luck and enjoy.

I agree with what has just been said, your ds and dil should be able to care for their baby in their own way.

This baby is very precious to them and like most new parents they will be nervous about coping. Tell them how well they're doing, it sounds as though baby is thriving and loved under their care and that's the important thing.

Awwwww it’s her first baby , hard got ! Of course she doesn’t like anyone holding him , breathing germs all over him , afraid he’ll be upset !
Give her space . It’s her baby and he will be fine . My eldest is 50+ and the health visitor told me not to let anyone but my OH hold him for the first few weeks . She will be more relaxed as time goes on , but it’s still her baby and she decides

I would take a little step back and try not to worry. There are plenty of years ahead for things to calm down, and the outside world and other mums her own age will start to influence her parenting too. I'm not sure a baby can be neurotic!

Perhaps stop offering the nappy changes too. She has shown she is not comfortable with this and although you mean well you are just heaping more pressure on her as she will be aware of your disappointment when she declines.

I sort of understand your DIL, after numerous miscarriages and failed IVF here, I feel its understandable for her to be protective, she has waited a long time for this bundle of life and its very precious to her, let her be. She would be upset if she read this thread, I would be. Its normal now to protect babies hearing she is just being careful. Of course visit and be loving but the baby is very very precious.

Hi Bonbon 8888
Congrats on being a first-time Nana!
I know all babies are precious to parents, but your grandson is particularly so to your Dil. She is probably worried he will pick up some germs and so has a strong maternal urge to protect him.
Maybe you can wait for her to offer you to hold the baby, which I'm sure, in time she will. Just try to be patient.
She may appreciate a helping hand with some of the house chores or preparation of a meal, leaving her to concentrate on baby care.
I must say baby is doing well with his sleep pattern, seven hours at eight weeks old! My Dil is up breast feeding two or three times at night, and baby is over one year old, but then all babies are different and wonderful in their own way.
I would just try to be as supportive as possible and go with the flow.
In time things will improve, as your Dil becomes more confident and secure in being a first time Mum
Good luck and enjoy the days ahead!

Just be patient, sure things will improve over time. Perhaps offer to help in other ways rather than just sitting there waiting to hold the baby? (shopping#, housework, cooking etc)

At 8 weeks, when a baby is fussing, if it’s mother is in the picture then it wants and needs it’s mother; her smell, her voice. It’s very stressful for a new mother not be able to get to their baby when they are fussing or distressed so I’d say all is as it should be there.

As long as you stay close as a family and don’t push now and sour things, I’m sure as the baby grows and becomes more independent then your relationship will blossom and you will spend more time together.
I’m 51 and my own recollection going back into the 70s is that it’s the norm for mums to hold their small babies and other people to be asked if they want a hold, but the mum is the gatekeeper if you like.
I agree with you that it’s a good idea not to accustom the baby to silence and sepulchral light but it’s such a common first time parent thing I would bother mentioning it. I really don’t think it will result in a “neurotic” baby! ?

You just need to be patient.

Her baby. She loves and cares for the child.
It is not about you.

For someone who doesn’t want to make it about me you’ve made a pretty good fist of it.

Hi Bonnie

They sound like great parents and what is going on 1000000000% normal and expected

Why would a grandparetns change a diaper if the parents are there and they havent asked you to do it?

Watch their boundaries and your expectations - that's your downfall

Esspee

Her baby. She loves and cares for the child.
It is not about you.

Indeed.

I know the expression "this is not about you" is not from our time, but I surely struggled to express that to my mum. It's easier now, young mums seem to say more clearly what they want. Well done them.

OP

So you think baby will be neurotic due to not having enough light and noises around him

Presents give you a right to hold the baby

Your son is not helping - he is parenting his baby

You do not approve of them hiring a nanny - were you expecting to be childcare?

You were expecting a different experience but this is how they are - your son also makes decisions in his family, not just dil

This is a nice bingo game - how to alienate the parents of a child in 10 days

Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

tickingbird

^Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?^

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

Been sitting on my hands. Thanks for saying it. Of course it is natural, this is what loving grand-parents do- welcoming a baby into the world and the 'tribe'.

If my parents or parents in law had not wanted to hold my children, I would have found it cold and bizarre.

Want and need are a fine line

My children need icecream for breakfast - or do they want it?

My brother-in-law and his wife waited a long time to become grandparents (sister-in-law had equipped her spare room with baby clothes, baby bath, furniture etc) before the Cherished One arrived.

The delighted grandparents then learned what we had had to learn a few years before them- that they didn't know ANYTHING ABOUT BABIES AND HAD TO BE INSTRUCTED!! IF C.O. HAS EVEN A SPECK OF SUGAR OR SALT BEFORE HE IS 21 HIS LEGS WILL DROP OFF.

Brother & sister in law took it in good part, hung on in there and seem now to be an unpaid child-care service.

Hithere

OP

So you think baby will be neurotic due to not having enough light and noises around him

Presents give you a right to hold the baby

Your son is not helping - he is parenting his baby

You do not approve of them hiring a nanny - were you expecting to be childcare?

You were expecting a different experience but this is how they are - your son also makes decisions in his family, not just dil

This is a nice bingo game - how to alienate the parents of a child in 10 days

So harsh.

Congratulations!

A friend told me that we're often as, if not more, passionate about our grandchildren as we were with our own children. Of course you want to hold him, it's the maternal instinct.

However, you don't want to overpower your DiL who, in the circumstances, is probably more protective than most. Perhaps, instead of holding the baby, you could sometimes sit next to your son or DiL and hold his hand gently and talk or sing to him. Let their confidence grow.

Our experience with our GD hasn't been what we would have desired, but we still have a good close relationship with her.

Agree with Tickingbird and Fleurpepper.

I was invited to visit my DS DDIL and new DGD on day 2 ( 1.5 hours away). and cuddle her and 7 years on she is the absolute light of my life and my DIL has told me they consider me like a third parent.

Obviously I agree with the child’s parents “right” ( that’s not the correct word really but you know what I mean) to look after their child as they wish.

I didn't expect to hold my grandchildren but they made me.

I did not want my mother in law to hold my babies either

I think you just have to be patient. Do as they want or you could end up with a fraught relationship

Lucca

Hithere

OP

So you think baby will be neurotic due to not having enough light and noises around him

Presents give you a right to hold the baby

Your son is not helping - he is parenting his baby

You do not approve of them hiring a nanny - were you expecting to be childcare?

You were expecting a different experience but this is how they are - your son also makes decisions in his family, not just dil

This is a nice bingo game - how to alienate the parents of a child in 10 days

So harsh.

More than - plain nasty.

Of course DIL's wishes have to be 'obeyed' and lip buttoned. But it is not 'normal'.

I had no parents and no-one to help with baby 1, and I would have so loved some support and someone loving to hold my baby sometimes. So so lucky that when baby 2 arrived, our amazing next door neighbour took us under her wing- and held baby lovingly and give me a break sometimes.

Hithere is always harsh Lucca she doesn’t know how to use the soft pedal with anyone

Bonbon I think you just have to go with it with a very nervous first time mum who obviously has a difficult time getting pregnant and you have to fit in with her needs

I don’t personally understand how anyone can be so limited allowing cuddles but your son and daughter in law have to have their own rules honoured so that’s all there is to it

My first baby was born in HK and the Chinese love babies so everyone wanted to look, touch, or cuddle ? she’s 55 now ?