Child taking things what should I do?

My first thought is that she wants something of you to keep with her, rather as a comforter. She may be feeling a bit unsettled at the moment and wants something to cling on to. Or maybe she doesn't have much at home or is very unhappy.

My instinct would be to leave it for the moment but to have a very gentle word with her next time you get to see her. Don't tell her off, ask why she needed the things she took and whether she is worried about anything.

You can't really prove she has taken the money so in future keep money in a safe place somewhere else.
About the toys, the ones that are hers she should be able to take but not sneak them away. The ones that are yours should be returned to you. She is perhaps quite troubled by the the split, being allowed to see your son then not and is still very young so probably don't make a big thing but do speak to your son about it. The problem is that she has said she doesn't want to see him and if you make any issue out of it then you might also be prevented from seeing her. I'm so sorry - it is a very difficult situation for you. I would add that this kind of thing is very common in children.

Agree with Septimia as well. My DGS2 likes to take something from our house with him when he leaves - he is 4. It's always brought back the next time he comes. I think it is a comfort thing with him and he sees us 2/3 times a week.

Mamma66 - please don’t make a big thing of it, but gently explain things to her. My little 4 year old granddaughter once ‘stole’a pencil from her teacher’s desk and shoved it down her tights. Her Mum and Dad were going through a difficult time ( ended in divorce). So perhaps it was affecting her in that way. We had a word with her and nothing like that has happened since. She is a super 18 year old now ?

I don’t see why she can’t take her toys with her if she wants to I realise you have brought them for her to use at your house but does it matter in the grand scheme of things
Make sure you don’t leave any money around when she’s at yours she may be troubled from what has been going on I wouldn’t make too much of it this time

Children who take things are trying to find the love they need. She sounds mixed up and unhappy. I was an unhappy child and I remember taking money out of my mum's purse. I don't know if she realised it was me. She's 10 her life hasn't been easy and perhaps she is just testing you. I'd make her aware that you know she was sneaking things out (perhaps not the money if you aren't certain) but don't make a huge thing about it. Perhaps get some little things that you can give her to take home. 10 year old girls love little things like rubbers and small stationery items. She's not going to grow into a major criminal because she takes a few things. I do wonder has anyone talked to her about how things got so bad? If you could just explain that you and her daddy have always loved her (without condemning her mother) it might help her.

I agree that your granddaughter is troubled Mamma66 and its best not to make a big issue out of this. However at 10 she is old enough to know that stealing is wrong and actions have consequences. Talk to her about it next time she visits and let her know this is not thet way to deal with her problems. In the meantime don't worry about it too much, a lot of children go through phases like this.

My first thought is that she wants something of you to keep with her, rather as a comforter

I thought this too.

I've got a Teddy which I won in a raffle and he stays in the bedroom where the youngest GC sleeps if she stays. She often wanted to take him home but brought him back the next time she came, only for him to go back with her again. I think he was her link with us.
Your step-DGD has had some upheavals in her life and needs some reassurance and comfort, perhaps 'your' toys may help to do that.

You could try telling her that she can borrow them but could she bring them back when she visits again, then she may have the reassurance that she will see you again. I hope you are able to maintain the relationship.

As for the money - possibly attention-seeking. Negative attention is better than none at all.

I would have let her take some things home if she wanted to, I can’t see the problem.

She sounds like rather a sad little girl, you probably need to make some allowances.

As for the money, you can’t be sure, so I definitely wouldn’t bring that up.

Sounds like you had a lovely day, she probably deserves a bit of spoiling.

They're not just things, they're your things and perhaps she wants to take them because they give her comfort.

The adults around her are making decisions which are out of her control and at least she can gain a little control over her own life by doing this.
Poor girl

Sadly, those of you who have suggested that she is an unhappy child are probably not too far off the mark.

She has had a parenting role over her younger siblings since she was very small; putting the younger ones to bed regularly from the age of five onwards. It has always made us so sad that she has never had the childhood she should have had.

I will try to tread carefully and not make too much of it. She has been a bit light fingered since she was about eight and I have always felt that this has been a sign of her being unsettled.

My heart breaks for her, but I am worried, an eight year old taking things is one thing, but if she carries on as she goes to ‘big school’ she might not be given the same amount of leeway. (It’s not just us she takes thing from).

I will tread carefully, encourage her to continue coming and continue to work towards being the stabilising influence we have always tried to be.

You could try the tactic of giving her some pocket money if she comes to visit you, and a pretty purse to keep it in.

You could say nothing about the missing money or perhaps just say you think it would be nice if she had some pocket money to spend as she likes.

Callistemon
I think that’s a good idea, she certainly sounds like she needs some kindness, and some one to treat her like the child that she is, not the unpaid nanny.

Sigh… just been through the stuff GD tried to sneak out of the house. My late Mother had a dolls house which was passed on to me. My GD knows this and I said we could furnish it together and she could play with it whenever she was at our house. Found a box after she left (which she had coerced her little sister to smuggle out) absolutely filled with things from the dolls house, some of which she has actually broken to remove. I have always happily allowed her play with this as long as she was careful. I can see why she would have been tempted to take one or two things, but she has tried to all but empty the dolls house. I can’t help but feel hurt.

So difficult and I hate to hear how unhappy some children are. But I wonder if she may need some “help «? Has anything like this happened at school or are they aware ? Would her mother be willing to get some help?

I think she does not know she is hurting your feelings she won't understand that. I would buy a little gift and when you see her give it to her.
I would also tell her you will start giving her a little pocket money to spend on what she wants. So she won't need things from your house. Explain they should stay where they belong for everyone to enjoy.
She sounds a troubled child and will be reaching adolescents before long. Any insecurities she has now will treble then help her feel secure in your company.
It's only my suggestion I think it's how I would deal with it I hope you find from responses here an ideal suggestion.

Mamma66
That does kind of change things, but basically I think the advice you have been given still stands, you might need a little chat though about the dolls house, try to get her to understand that it’s very precious to you, and that although you’re not angry with her, you are very sad.
I honestly think this is a bit more than you can deal with, the little girl needs some help.

My adopted daughter went through a similar phase, mainly with sweets from friends' homes. Unfortunately, well-meaning parents didn’t tell us immediately. Eventually, we had a referral via our GP to a Child Psychologist which helped, I think.

I completely agree with Septimia. This is all too common among girls her age who dont know with whom they belong. I have experienced this before and yes. I would ask for the stolen items back because thievery is not a.good.trait to live with. And then congratulate the honesty as a rite of passage and give a better gift or item for the child to hang on to for their comfort

I once stole something from a friends house. Her parents knew it was me, and got it back without
my parents finding out.
I remember her asking me, not unkindly, why I had taken it, I remember her saying that she was sure my grandad would buy me one if I really wanted one.
The strange thing is, I don’t remember feeling any shame or embarrassment, but sixty years on, I am impressed by how she handled it, and am so grateful she didn’t involve my parents.

I think this behaviour is the sign of a very confused and mixed up little girl, who wants things from your house and connected with you to take home so she always has something connected with you to clutch and connect with you when life is difficult.

She obviously loves you very much and found these long gaps when she hasn't seen you upsetting and it is probable that her mother will not let her talk about you when at home and possibly says unkind things about you.

i think taking the money may be a way of testing you to see if you still love her even when she does something really naughty

I think you need to reassure her that you will always love her and always be there for her. if she has a phone, make sure your number is on her contacts list. React sensitively when she wants to take things home with her, but, most of all make sure she knows that no matter what she does, you will always be there for her.

Children with chaotic lives need a safe haven. They need someone who they know will love them unconditionally.
Monica is spot on.

UPDATE - thank you for the good advice. I decided to tread very gently. I have always said to the child that I appreciate honesty above all else and that if she ever did anything she shouldn’t have we could always sort it out if she was truthful. I sent her a very nice message (speaker on her phone is broken, so can’t actually talk to her) suggesting we did a room together. I kept it very light and positive. She had put quite a lot in a box to take home and the remainder she had stashed away (basically keeping the things she best liked to one side). So glad I mentioned this possibility to her. She was truthful immediately. I will have a gentle word with her about taking things when I next see her. But I am so glad I took it extra softly. I wouldn’t have gone in all guns blazing anyway, but the reminder to tread carefully really helped.

The poor child certainly does need counselling, unfortunately there is nothing I can do to influence this. We always tried to be a safe haven for her, so more of the same I guess. Thank you for the advice ?

I agree with Monica too,

Maybe let her choose one or two things to keep for good and "borrow" others, they will remind her of you.

I took money once from mums purse, bought sweeties, and will never know if she knew or not but there was no come back. As her purse was there all the time I must have been having an unloved or angry moment!

I'd leave it unless its not just a one off.. See if the gifts of the toys does the reassuring job.