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Divorcing at 65

(19 Posts)
Scarlettsnan Fri 27-Jan-23 19:32:11

I’m hoping someone here can give me some advice.
I have had a truly horrible 15 year marriage to an absolute bully and narcissist and I have finally decided enough is enough..
The house was put on the market and sold very quickly and I have applied for a divorce on the government website.
I am due to retire in March.But I think I may have to continue with my little part time job for the time being..

After everything has been paid, i will have about £90,000 from the sale of the marital home.
Obviously that will not buy me another home and I’m struggling to rent anywhere. There is very much in my area and I have a little dog which isn’t helping.
My daughter said that I could go and live with her, but she is seriously overcrowded already, and I would have to sleep on her sofa indefinitely.
I am absolutely terrified that I’m going to be homeless. All my possessions are going to have to go into storage which is extra cost.

I contacted the local council to ask if they could help with social housing and they said to fill out all the forms, and if I was accepted, I could possibly apply for sheltered housing.

Which I found a bit odd because I have no need of sheltered housing at all I am in extremely good health. I’m guessing it’s because of my age?

I wondered if anyone here has any suggestions if you’ve been through the same thing at this late stage in your life?
Oh and I don’t regret my action, In going for a divorce I didn’t want to live what remains of my life with somebody who makes me afraid and anxious.

Wyllow3 Fri 27-Jan-23 19:49:29

Yes * Scarlettsnan* at 72 I've just finished the divorce process (one of the No Fault divorces) from my covert NP and Bi-Polar husband of 11 years.

Difference is that I have kept the house and for now can afford it.

You'd not want to go live with DD, you need a base to rebuild your life. At 65 you have a lot left to live, and who knows what will happen and what new things you will find.

I'd take the idea up of asking for social housing. What choices do you realistically otherwise have? Unless you can find a part buy part rent new build or similar - and this is income dependant.

Although you sound pretty robust the effect of those 15 years cannot be trivial.

Social Housing is very hard to get: please seek advice (CAB local or national Age Concern) on filling in forms to maximise chances.

Frankly you will need to emphasis the distress aspect and push the oncoming homelessness very hard. Any reports GP or otherwise of distress caused etc etc to add to forms.

At 65 you have, iirc, just entered the "Older Adult" category and that is why suggestions have been in that direction.

Wyllow3 Fri 27-Jan-23 19:51:44

Do not let them know you have a DD option, because sleeping on a couch is NOT an option. As far as forms go, your family cannot offer you permanent accommodation - and that's the truth, surely?

Scarlettsnan Fri 27-Jan-23 20:15:34

Wonderful advice thank you …
I think I shall do just that and get the citizens advice to help fill out the home link form for social housing. It is quite complicated .
I did try for one of the shared ownership properties I was going to pay the full mortgage side of it which was £80,000 and just pay the rent for the other half.
I was accepted for this scheme, but said I should contact the financial advisor because they didn’t think my wages would be enough.
I think you’re right, the social housing is probably my only option right now.
I do have a history of anxiety and when my daughter lost her husband a few years ago,very tragically I was then diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder so I could get the doctor on board with medical issues.
Thank you so much for your advise and good luck with your divorce I too have gone for the no fault option 👍

Knittingnovice Fri 27-Jan-23 21:22:44

I'm not an expert but re the shared ownership house, if your wages are low would you get help with paying rent? I'm not sure who you could ask about this so I'm hoping someone wiser can help

Wyllow3 Fri 27-Jan-23 21:30:59

Yes thank goodness for the No Fault option. Proving blame would have been nightmare.

Redhead56 Fri 27-Jan-23 21:36:06

Consider Women's Aid even if it's just a phone call they may be able to give you advice. You might not think it but you are vulnerable I know I was when I was divorcing my vile husband.
I know you will have to fill some forms in give information about your finances to a minimum.
It's a good idea to keep your job going it's income and it will help you to socialise rather than constant worry about your situation.

Wyllow3 Fri 27-Jan-23 22:48:12

If you have just begun the divorce procedure you will know it comes in 2 parts. One is the actual civil divorce and the other is the financial settlement. I'm presuming he has accepted the divorce as going ahead.

Have you already negotiated the financial settlement? Signed and sealed an agreement?

If not, I suggest you get advice on it very quickly indeed.

Are you still living in the house with him? if he has gone and has accommodation already then think twice about selling the house.

It is actually very hard to remove you from the house if you are in it and he has accommodation and you have no where to go and not adequate means to get accommodation (and on top of it can prove M Health stuff) then it will be hard to get you out.

He would have to take out a court order against you and it would cost him and it takes a long time.

The courts are moving very slowly atm indeed - with everything, btw, your divorce may take longer than you had anticipated.

I was a Safeguarded Adult during the break up process due to his threats and abuse and had the police round twice, changed locks etc. but I also had to help him - he has MH workers and although they advised me to bring the police in against him, I did help him get warden assisted accommodation, at which point he had secure housing and I needed to stay, but thats why I went into it with my solicitor as to being able to stay as long as possible in my house if he did end up having claims against it.

Scarlettsnan Sat 28-Jan-23 07:13:48

Unfortunately, my husband is still living here in the house with me we don’t talk , we don’t engage other than him to berate and shout at me.
We have come to an agreement to split the equity between us equal share, so he can buy a house where he comes from which is a lot cheaper than where we are living now so he can do that.

I knew I could dig my heels in and refuse to sell but I just wanted it to end to be honest.

Scarlettsnan Sat 28-Jan-23 07:16:09

Yes I think I will get help. I did a benefit calculator on turn to us and it did say that I would get help with the rent and service charge. I don’t quite know how they think that I wouldn’t have enough money because of paper I would. Maybe I should go to the estate agent that’s selling the property and ask if they can advise me.

Daisymae Sat 28-Jan-23 07:34:54

Have you taken legal advice? Reading your post it almost seems as if you have sorted this out between you and your husband and came to this decision. If you haven't already done so I would suggest that you find an experienced solicitor to guide you through.

Redhead56 Sat 28-Jan-23 08:56:48

If you have been a victim of domestic abuse you might be entitled to Legal Aid. I can not stress this enough you do need to seek advice. Your husband may have a verbal arrangement with you. But this can soon change as it often does during a divorce.

Wyllow3 Sat 28-Jan-23 09:06:37

Yes please do Scarlettsnan it may work out better than you have worked out by yourself.

Things like different earning capacity can come into the equation, for example. It is possible - I say possible btw only - that you should have a greater % of the sale of the house.
Or future assets - like an inheritance. (only if its guaranteed)

I'm also inclined to agree about ringing a Domestic Abuse helpline, because when I did, I was given a list of solicitors who would give half an hour Zoom free. this is whom I rung locally for this and there should be equivalent ni other parts of the country

Chestnut Sat 28-Jan-23 09:08:12

You definitely need a solicitor's advice on your options. And this may include some of his pension if he has a private pension pot. Ask the solicitor what you are entitled to.

Wyllow3 Sat 28-Jan-23 09:13:26

* Scarlettsnan* my situation was different to yours, but once it was clear how abusive he was, I downloaded a voice record App on my mobile and recorded conversations where he was clearly abusive. I didn't need to use them as it happens but they stood by me as it were - also screen shots of abusive texts and so on.

Wyllow3 Sat 28-Jan-23 09:16:54

good point Chestnut, because future pension capacity is also weighed in the balance on the finance side.

Btw, you can go ahead with the Divorce side whilst still working on finance options. In fact, make sure the Divorce side has got past the point of no return (where both of you either sign the initial documents, OR you have signed and have proof he has received the documents) before putting spokes in the wheel finance wise.

In theory, you can actually complete the divorce without financial settlement, but this is not good as it means either party can come back and still make claims.

Chestnut Sat 28-Jan-23 13:45:34

I warn you, divorces have been taking AGES to come through. Maybe this will improve but you should expect this to be a long process. Make sure the paperwork is done accurately as you don't want anything returned as this will just delay the process.

Wyllow3 Sat 28-Jan-23 14:21:36

That does partly depend on whether childcare and funding is involved too, and whether both parties are moving ahead as far as possible but yes, my solicitor reported waits of weeks as there is backlog - and I had a solicitor ringing and hassling them. It took from early May 2022 to Jan 4th 2023 (no kids involved, and also "Clean Break" finance agreement which may not be the case in the O/P.

The more we write here the more I'm thinking Scarlettsnan would be advised to take legal advice and also think very carefully about the house sale going ahead which makes her homeless before the divorce process is properly going ahead and fair finances sorted out.

but that means staying in house with husband. Rock and a Pard place, but don't rush into a less than "Best outcome" finance agreement for the sake of speed as it could make a difference home wise.

Wyllow3 Sat 28-Jan-23 14:22:31

Sorry, "Rock and Hard Place"