Mum won’t bathe…

From the experience I have had when my Dad suffered with dementia it is important to be gentle with any advice and information - I found that it was best to let Dad think that something was his idea as he took exception to one of his children giving him health and lifestyle advice.

Being heavy handed would get me nowhere and I do recall, at some point, that Dad refused to change his jumper - believe me it was minging and had a full menu of stains down the front. I just pointed to that Mum always liked him in that particular jumper and perhaps she would be upset to see it so grubby imparting comments like "you'd look so much smarter if it were clean, Dad".

Perhaps you could convince your Mum that she might get sores unless she has a bath; take her out to choose some nice toiletries to try; treat her to a pretty bath towel.

I sincerely hope you manage to convince you Mum to take a bath, dealing with dementia is difficult.

She probably could do with a chAt from someone with some kind of authority. Medical or social work type of input might be good. Self neglect is a issue that needs addressing, sadly it’s possibly an early sign of something else.

You can buy Adult wipes. Like baby wipes but especially for older people. She might do that as it's not so much effort.

Not unusual, perhaps your mum is worried about slipping or falling. is there someone who would assist, encourage, be with her once a week for a bath, with a wash at the sink in between.
My mum lost interest in looking after herself so I used to bring her over to my house every Sunday fir a meal, bath and hair wash which she enjoyed and I did her washing/ bedding at the same time.
Being called lazy is harsh, she is 89. Kindness always works better and I hope between you it can be worked out.

I agree with the wipes idea. It is a compromise but maybe something she will engage with?

I assume she has a walk in shower as surely she would find it difficult to get in a bath at her age!

tell her she smells a bit whiffy and can you help her wash. I'm surprised the doctor didn't organize a health visitor to visit her.

I think it's wrong not to tell a person they smell and need to wash..... they say you can't smell yourself.

Would she have a shower if you went and helped every bit of the way, literally showering her like silverlining48?

It does sound, whether its a shower or wipes, someone is going g to have to do it for her, as in "Bed baths" in hospital where nurses wash all the bits.

Is it time to move to a nursing home where that's all done? I dont know the limits of the kind of caring where she is are. If its a Mc Carthy and Stone type set up, nursing duties is where they draw the line.

Is she saying without saying "I want to just be totally looked after I'm too tired to make an effort anymore"

I don't know what the limits of SSD carers are lemsip - I dont imagine district nurses can have time to bathe nor how far SSD carers will go on nursing duties?

Bear in mind that most of her generation only had a bath once a week, unless there was a special occasion, and also that her own sense of smell may not be as sharp as it used to be. She may be finding it a faff to get completely undressed and climb into the bath, even more to climb out and get dry and dressed again. She may be afraid of slipping and falling and hurting herself. "Can't be bothered" covers a lot of motives.

Clearly she is not going to be easily persuaded. Why not change tack, and say that if she doesn't want to bath, there are other ways of keeping the important parts clean. You might have to get quite robust and crude while pointing out which bits it is important to keep clean, and why. It is not for other people's sensitivity to smells, there could be a health risk to herself in cystitis and kidney infections.

There are foaming cleansers which can be sprayed onto a piece of soft paper and used like a soapy facecloth (meant for bedbound patients, but useful for anyone who can't/won't get into a bath or shower). There are hair-wash mobcaps filled with shampoo, which don't need rinsing, large wet wipes and dry wipes for patient cleansing, and stacks of other aids to hygeine for non-mobile patients.

www.amazon.co.uk/Synergy-Clinisan-Emollient-Cleansing-Canisters/dp/B00J3UN4TC?tag=gransnetforum-21
www.amazon.co.uk/Synergy-Health-Packs-Patient-Cleansing/dp/B00FF4NKBW?tag=gransnetforum-21
www.amazon.co.uk/Careform-Large-Adult-Patient-Cleansing/dp/B0B7FCRY5P?tag=gransnetforum-21
www.amazon.co.uk/Shampoo-Haircare-residue-Massage-Drench/dp/B07CVJLPNX?tag=gransnetforum-21

(If she balks at the cost, remind her that hot water and soap is much cheaper)

In her last few years, my mum was the same. She had all her head, and dug her heels in, and told the carers who wanted to force her into the shower, that it was abuse.

Refusing to bathe is often a symptom of dementia. This is a very difficult situation and not easy to solve. The idea of adult wipes may be a sound idea, obviously not as good as a shower but anything is better than nothing. If dementia is taking hold then your Mum's ability to rationalize will decrease. I wish you and your siblings good luck in this problem.

But their generation like my mum was brought up only ever washing "bits" the important bits - I think they know this. It can actually be more hassle than having a shower doing all the bits.

I still think she might want someone to do it all for her, its too much to think about, she's had enough having to keep it all up for others sake.

My DH has a mixture of Alzheimers and Vascular Dementia after a stroke in 2018 , he has very little balance. Over the past 18 months it was increasingly clear he was not washing properly. I now accompany him in the bathroom as he tells me he cannot be bothered. So its a mixture of strip wash/shower and bath once a week. The most battle I have is to get to clean his teeth properly.
The one thing he is fastidious about is shaving which he will happily do himself. He is 84. Believe me it's hard work day in day out
Your Mum probably needs some help and encouragement with someone going in to help her.

Athens I first came out of hospital and was very week, wipes were a god send for my bits!

No idea where Athens came from but it should say 'when'.

My Mum had dementia but was scrupulously clean. I always bought her lovely toiletries, facecloths and perfumes. She spent her last 3 years in a lovely care home and the staff bathed and showered her, the hairdresser visited regularly and she always looked beautiful as I always bought lovely modern clothes for her. The staff called her The Queen.
She was nearly 97 when she passed away and I looked after her for 14 years before she moved to the care home.

I am wondering whether now might be the time to consider a care home for your Mum. There are some great ones out there if you do your homework. Mum’s home was brilliant and the staff really spoiled her but I don’t know if she would have maintained her cleanliness if she still lived alone as she got so very tired. She used to say, even putting on her stockings wore her out!

In the meantime perhaps you and your siblings could do her personal care for her when you visit or pay for someone to go in and do it.

My mum refused to shower, and did NOT have dementia. She was quite clear about her wishes, and said forcing her was akin to abuse, physical and psychological.

Fleurpepper

My mum refused to shower, and did NOT have dementia. She was quite clear about her wishes, and said forcing her was akin to abuse, physical and psychological.

Just proves everybody is different.

In my case I knew my Mum would always want to look her best as she had always been like that and I didn’t want dementia robbing her of feeling nice and clean.

kittylester

You can buy Adult wipes. Like baby wipes but especially for older people. She might do that as it's not so much effort.

I had a bucket of those when I came out of hospital and wasn't allowed to get my in-dwelling catheter in my neck (don't ask!) wet.

They are brilliant - I still use them occasionally (still have the catheter) when I don't feel like contorting myself in the shower. They're large, super soft, super wet, smell nice... and leave you feeling like you've actually had a proper shower.

Maybe bytheway you could get mum to try them - she can sit on the bed (with a towel, they are quite wet) or on a chair, and just mop herself over.

The ones I use are called "Patient Wipes" and come in a handy bucket - from Amazon. My partner who's disabled also uses them sometimes when he's too tired to attempt the shower and says they make him feel really fresh.

Very difficult subject to broach I would imagine.

As it doesn't involve much effort, she might be encouraged to try.

I paid an Agency for a ‘bath nurse’ for my DF. He wanted a shower, but it was decided that he was too unsteady to use one, so he got a very small stool which stuck to the bath on suction cups and the Carer did the rest. What about a shower stool if your Mum would feel safer sitting down? I feel that she’s not really lazy, but probably a bit unsure and scared and saying she’s not bothered is just to fob you off. Sometimes people with dementia ‘see’ things differently - my friend saw her long hall carpet as a river and her DH had to carry her from the bottom of the stairs into the kitchen. Once she’d eaten, those fears receded and she could walk around downstairs all day.
Those wet wipes are great. I got them for DH a few times.

I’m having the same issues with my mother 87. She lives in an assisted living complex like your mum. She possibly has early dementia but she also won’t bathe or shower and hasn’t for a while . She says she hates water on her face and has always hated showers .
However her mobility issues means she can’t get in or out of the bath so she has a strip wash and has a perching stool to sit on . We have a walk-in shower and I have offers to shower her at my house but she refuses . She also thinks daily showering is not necessary as when she was a child you had a weekly bath and daily strip wash . Although when she was a child she didn’t have central heating or man made fabrics . I don’t force the subject as it’s not worth it . I do wash her hair weekly and change her bed linen weekly which she also thinks is excessive. I also have to persuade her to change her clothes regularly otherwise she’ll wear the same things for about 5 days .
She had a fall recently and had carers coming in to wash her and help her dress but she dismissed them after 2 weeks . I mentioned to her how lovely she looked and smelled . But she’s now gone back to her old ways .
She has had the district nurses round to chat to her but she doesn’t listen. She’s very stubborn and bloody minded . Oh and she’s also a hoarder .

Could you plan a special occasion and give her an incentive to spruce herself up once in a while?

Many posters so far have commented that that generation would think of a bath as a less common occurence. That is also the generation that would feel odd about being naked in front of someone else, even though they are beginning to need help getting in and out of a bath. A bit of a Catch 22.

Primrose53

Fleurpepper

My mum refused to shower, and did NOT have dementia. She was quite clear about her wishes, and said forcing her was akin to abuse, physical and psychological.

Just proves everybody is different.

In my case I knew my Mum would always want to look her best as she had always been like that and I didn’t want dementia robbing her of feeling nice and clean.

It is not easy. My mother was very beautiful, always very well dressed, classy but cool. Hugely intelligent, bright, positive.

But she hated her last few years, legs not working and blind, and wanted out. Not wanting to wash was part of her 'last rebellion'. Very different if someone has dementia or Alzheimers. You can't force someone who has all her head to do something against her wishes. She did have a shower with her carer once a week, and that was that. She was a heavy smoker all her life, and her sense of smell was gone anyhow.

I don't think as daughters we can impose or transpose how we think our mum's would always want to...

My mum was the same. Fortunately one of her carers was a bit bossy so Mum always did what she said. So she had a good wash at least twice a week. As one previous poster said, that generation only bathed once a week.