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Adult son girlfriend

(65 Posts)
Mumzyto7 Mon 29-May-23 10:07:34

Hi all I am mum to 7 with my son being the oldest he's twenty his girlfriend is 22 she's has stopped our family seeing him we have not seen him since Christmas we are only allowed to tex him he has younger siblings to lucky they have no children yet just looking for advice really how to approach it out hearts are broken any advice what be great as his my first older one with a girlfriend and her family have took him away

Grandmabatty Mon 29-May-23 10:11:27

He's in the throes of love and is getting to know another family. She can't stop him seeing you. He has decided to take a step back. Does he keep in touch in other ways? If so, respond cheerfully with chatty family news.

Poppyred Mon 29-May-23 10:15:43

What a horrible start to his adult life. Did anything happen between you? Let’s hope he grows a pair soon and stands up for himself.

Good luck.

Cheeseplantmad Mon 29-May-23 10:24:26

I agree with Grandmabatty he is probably in the throes of love , they will do ANYTHING to keep the other happy . But sooner or later , he will come to his senses and realise that his family are important to him , wether that includes his girlfriend or not.

Keep texting him , tell him all the family news , keep him up to date what’s going on , you can even mention that you & his siblings are missing his visits , but say when he’s ready to call over . At least you can still contact him if only by text , I’m sure it’s just a passing thing and he’ll see sense at some point in time .

Whiff Mon 29-May-23 10:41:40

Mumxyto7 tried to send you a PM but it didn't go through. Have you blocked having PMs ?

Redhead56 Mon 29-May-23 10:42:42

It shouldn't be happening but apparently it's very common. New girlfriends/boyfriends interfering with close family relationships. It sounds like insecurity too me. Stick with what you are doing text your son. The penny should drop with your son and hopefully it will improve your relationship. Try not to dwell on it too much.

BlueBelle Mon 29-May-23 10:53:49

Your son is as others have said is trying to please his girlfriend and maybe, I m only saying maybe trying to exert his independence and show he can manage without mum and dad on his tails If you are wise you will accept this keep the lines open with your texts (not too many though) and generally just act as normal

He is the first of 7 children to pull away and it’s absolutely normal and as it should be really The first baby to leave the nest the more fuss you make about it the worse it will be
It happens to all parents, sometimes they are older, sometimes younger The more you push him the further he will go towards his new love Be relaxed and he ll either come back himself or you ll have a easier friendship apart You cannot hang on to sons and daughters ….they leave the nest you being heart broken is only going to make matters worse

JaneJudge Mon 29-May-23 10:57:22

I think bluebelle’s advice is spot on

Step back, be breezy and non confrontational and just text him to discuss the mundane. He’ll soon be home, girlfriend in tow, for Sunday dinner

LRavenscroft Mon 29-May-23 11:01:35

Just keep an eye out that the new girlfriend is not too controlling. Also, keep in touch on main occasions i.e. b'day, holidays, bits of family news, Christmas. He needs to know that you are all still there for him.

Smileless2012 Mon 29-May-23 11:09:07

Hello Mumzyto7. I can only reiterate what's already been suggested. Keep sending chatty and newsy texts, keep it light with no pressure for him to contact you and hopefully his desire to see you will override anything else that might be going on.

As Redhead has posted, it shouldn't happen but does seem to be becoming more common. Or maybe we hear it about it more than we used too.

It is very hurtful but all you can do is wait for him to realise that regardless of any other relationships he's involved in, his family are and will always be important flowers.

M0nica Mon 29-May-23 11:13:57

It's his first girlfriend. The relationship will end and he will return home, hopefullymuch the wiser for having been with a woman who set out to cut him off from his family.

When he does return home, give him a kiss and hug and then no post mortems on the relationship or asking him about it, or criticising her, even in retrospect. If he wants to tell you anything he will.

HeavenLeigh Mon 29-May-23 11:20:23

When you say his girlfriend has stopped him seeing you, how do you know it’s his girlfriend that has stopped him! Maybe like others have said he is enjoying time with his girlfriend, you say you are only allowed to text him , has he actually said this to you. Is he living with his girlfriend and her family? Don’t worry text him every now and then I’m sure he will text back,

luluaugust Mon 29-May-23 11:28:25

Yes just hang in there, he is probably really enjoying all the one to one attention, do they live together? Two of my GS's at Uni are rarely seen by their parents and same age as him

Theexwife Mon 29-May-23 12:04:20

I doubt he has said that his girlfriend has forbidden him to see you.

He has chosen to spend his free time with his girlfriend rather than his family, perfectly understandable.

Be happy that he is happy.

Foxygloves Mon 29-May-23 14:20:26

I really wouldn’t worry.
Kids of 20 are forever falling in and out of love! You say “ lucky they have n children yet” - did you mean your son and his girlfriend? I should hope not, it sounds very much like puppy love.
How, out of interest , does she prevent contact other than by text?
It might that he is just infatuated but it could also be a red flag that she is of a controlling nature but he is too young and inexperienced to realise.
What do other people who know her think?

Wyllow3 Mon 29-May-23 14:28:17

Agree with Bluebelle. Low level texts with news, not making demands and waiting to see how it plays out for now.

She's jealous, we don't know her circs, there may be reasons she acts like this, bests not to reinforce jealousy.

Your son is very young and this is all new to him.

Norah Mon 29-May-23 14:38:49


He's in the throes of love and is getting to know another family. She can't stop him seeing you. He has decided to take a step back. Does he keep in touch in other ways? If so, respond cheerfully with chatty family news.


Don't blame her, you raised him. Unless she has him jailed - I'm at a loss to how she prevents anything. I can't prevent.

Perhaps work on your relationship with him?

Text nice news. Don't whinge on.

Hithere Mon 29-May-23 14:50:18


Lesson no. 1 - dont blame your adult child's partner for action he/she chooses to take.

Your son is a person of his own, not a puppet

He would contact you if it was in his priority list

NotSpaghetti Mon 29-May-23 16:02:07

Is he in contact with his siblings at all?

lyleLyle Sat 03-Jun-23 03:21:32

What Hithere said.

Your son is 20. He’s growing into a man now. He is probably relishing having a bit of freedom not constantly in the role of big brother to 6 younger siblings.

Do not start the vicious cycle of the mother who kicks up a fuss blaming girlfriends/wives for their children growing up and getting on with life. Give him space. Refrain from speaking ill of his girlfriend. Do not put pressure on him to be more present than any other sibling should be for your children. Let him get lost in his young love. Time to let go. It’s be better for your relationship in the long term if you don’t cling unnaturally to him during this period in his life. Let go to hold on, or you will push him further away.

Mumzyto7 Sat 03-Jun-23 11:41:57

Thanks everyone really appricate you messages and advice I approached her by the way she treats him after Christmas as we welcomed her in to our family and there were things we were not happy with her she's awful shes abusive to him in front of us spends all his money there so much more I could tell her mum was approached by me with door slammed in my face
by the way he was acting his work even said how he'd changed what she's been doing etc

Theexwife Sat 03-Jun-23 11:50:43

From your last post, it seems you have tried to talk to her mother and have spoken to his work colleagues or boss.

This is way too much involvement, if you carry on it could end in total estrangement. He is an adult and the way he lives his life is none of your business.

Mumzyto7 Sat 03-Jun-23 11:51:03

Yes I meant I am lucky they don't have children yet but can see it coming soon she's awful her mum is awful hes changed she is controlling we took her on holiday and that's when the trouble started when I arrived home and approached her on everything she's done the list is endless he told me on the phone only to text not ring we approched her mum to be told he's twenty he can do what he likes we were a close family he's moved in the mums house

Mumzyto7 Sat 03-Jun-23 11:56:40

True but very hard to watch him walk round sad he was moaning to me before Christmas about her wanting more orders etc every bit of money is spent on her the reason why I rang his work is to make sure he was ok as it had been weeks of him not contacting us he was not at work that day and said he was babysitting his siblings they were on a another holiday paid for by him I then said have you noticed a change in him they said yes it went from there

VioletSky Sat 03-Jun-23 12:00:05

Mumzy could you please give some examples of what is happening? It's hard to give much advice otherwise.

I do think there are some things that you need step back on now he is an adult that will push him away.

He is in love, and he has made a decision to be with his girlfriend. Whatever you think of his girlfriend it is better to support him and listen if he comes to you for advice rather than tell his girlfriend you don't like her.

Contacting his work or other adults to check up on him will not be appreciated. Neither will sharing your concerns about his girlfriend with other adults who know him more than they know you.

At the moment he is living his life as an adult and making adult choices. He obviously doesn't view his relationship as a problem. Be supportive to him, keep contact positive and conversational. Be polite about his girlfriend. This will ensure he feels safe to come to you when needed.