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Do I say something?

(52 Posts)
Hels001 Wed 28-Feb-24 09:33:15

I have a dear friend of over thirty years. She is in her mid seventies and married with 4 grown up sons and gc all living locally. In the past she's found marriage at times difficult and she would be the first to admit this. Dh wants to move to the coast to a new build bungalow. Yes she wants to move - the house is up for sale and indeed would love a bungalow however they will be moving a few hours drive away to somewhere on the edge of a seaside town. I get the impression DH wants to get away from the boys 2 of which he's stepdad to. He's always been controlling. The boys and gc would do anything for them. She's a great network of friends and involved in the church. I personally fear she's making a mistake and as we grow older need a good support network we don't know what's round the corner. Do I give my opinion or just keep quiet?

aggie Wed 28-Feb-24 09:37:59

Well it’s a bit late if the house is up for sale and the new bungalow is ready ?
What were you thinking of saying to her ?
Are you prepared to take her in ?

Grandmabatty Wed 28-Feb-24 09:46:58

Just tell her that you'll miss her when she moves. It's really not your business I'm afraid.

Hels001 Wed 28-Feb-24 09:55:16

The move is probably needed and originally they were purchasing a bungalow down the road from their house but hadn't managed to sell theirs. They haven't sold yet so not signed for the one at the coast yet. I know its none of my business really and if it makes her happy fair enough I just fear she'll end up lonely in a place that's unfamiliar.

Cabbie21 Wed 28-Feb-24 10:08:57

Tell her you will miss her but do not give your opinion unless she actually asks for it.

Cossy Wed 28-Feb-24 10:13:10

I disagree. They’ve been friends for 30+ years, I’d say something, but frame it very carefully, like “I’m really going to miss you, let’s stay in touch, is this really what you want”. I have 3 very longstanding friends, in excess of 45 years, I’d certainly ask them this question if I was concerned. smile

luluaugust Wed 28-Feb-24 10:13:49

I think about as far as you can go is to ask her if she wouldn't have preferred a bungalow where she is as that was their first intention and is she carrying on looking as nothing is sold or bought yet. Of course you could go down the route of saying you are worried she will be lonely and cut off from her boys and see what is said but that would definitely be interfering, however, what are friends for. It all depends on how unsure you think she is and how her husband is controlling.

eazybee Wed 28-Feb-24 10:16:30

I have to say I think they are foolish moving away from their family as they are growing older, which is when they need support. But I doubt if your friend will change her mind now. Friends grow older at the same rate, and a friend of mine found herself as the only one could drive and became a constant taxi service before she left and moved 100 miles away to be close to her son and family.
What she didn't anticipate was her sister, with whom she has always had a difficult relationship, following her and muscling in on her family life.

nexus63 Wed 28-Feb-24 10:50:09

my husband wanted to move to the borders, we lived in glasgow's west end, i knew it would be a mistake and said we need to wait until our son was finished school, sadly he died just after my son turned 16, now my son want's me to move to the east end but i have my doctor of 30 years and the three hospitals that i attend and shops on my door step, i use a walker now so staying here is best for me. all you can do is tell your friend you will miss her and that you are there for her if she needs you.

Theexwife Wed 28-Feb-24 10:55:42

If she did not want to move surely she would have told you if she is that close a friend.

Is it just that you dont want her to move?

keepingquiet Wed 28-Feb-24 11:26:23

It is really important you don't let your friendship slide. Make plans to visit her before she even moves, but be sensible and only go to help if they are still settling in.
Make sure they have good broadband and mobile signals, as a lot of coastal places dont. Keeping in touch on-line is so easy these days and so important.
I don't know the depth of your friendship- but has she even said she doesn't want to go? It doesn't mean the friendship is over. I have a very close friend we meet up maybe three or four times a year but speak on the phone very often.
I would just offer her support, there will be churches and groups she can join there and it may turn out to be a good thing. Life is change.
Do you go away together? I do this with married friends about twice a year and it is a really precious time for us both.
By all means speak your concerns to her, but only in a real spirit of friendship which should be supportive but nor interfering.

nadateturbe Wed 28-Feb-24 11:34:21

By all means speak your concerns to her, but only in a real spirit of friendship which should be supportive but nor interfering.


Hels001 Wed 28-Feb-24 12:29:47

Theexwife I've asked myself this over and over is it just me being selfish but I keep coming back to the fact that my head says its still perhaps not the most sensible move to make just for practical purposes. Her DH has said they'll be able to go one long beach walks etc. He finds it a struggle to go down to the corner shop! My heart says 30 yrs of friendship surely I owe it to her to gently ask if she's really thought this through. Her AS has raised it and said mum all ill say is what happens when you stop driving what happens if your health takes a turn or you need help quickly?? He does have a point. Maybe I'll take her for a cuppa and ask what the boys thoughts are.

M0nica Wed 28-Feb-24 13:30:43

Why not talk to her about how she will build up new social networks when she gets to the new location.

We are moving away, after 27 years in the same house and over 50 years in the ame county, to a new area 100 miles away. I have already done my homework and we know what organisations we will contact and possibly join to build up a new network.

Ask your friend about the new place, what facilities it has, mention any special interest and ask whether it will be catered for in the new venue.

BigBertha1 Wed 28-Feb-24 15:53:58

When I was in the throes of moving house last year my friends dint hold back at all in telling me they didn't want me to move and they thought it wasn't the best thing for me. I wasn't all offended or annoyed at them saying it to me. a genuine friend tells you the truth don't they. Why not just tell her what you are thinking and talk it through?

sandelf Sat 02-Mar-24 11:21:15

Encourage her to join clubs, choir, fitness (church?) etc and be friendly to EVERYONE (smile, say hello) in her new place. That's what we did - it does work. At the beginning people are just acquaintances, but over time they learn to trust you and be friends. Of course, not replicating your former life, but making new.

Tanjamaltija Sat 02-Mar-24 11:47:12

Not your circus, not your monkeys. And anyway, the house is up for sale. Give her your private?) phone number, ask he to make an FB page if she does not have one already, etc etc. But unless you are ready to take her in when /if she leaves her husband, do not interfere.

Lostmyglassesxx Sat 02-Mar-24 11:54:00

Moving to the seaside is very uplifting
The downside is making new social contacts when you are older . But the benefits of living by the sea are very positive and maybe that’s what she needs .Sometimes we have to do what we want and stuff everyone else ..

welbeck Sat 02-Mar-24 11:54:33

that would be good advice if the friend was a widow or single.
but i sense an undercurrent re the husband.
the worry is that the friend will be more isolated, having been removed from her family connections, and stuck with ?controlling husband.

Cateq Sat 02-Mar-24 11:58:32

My four children are all grown up, my eldest still lives at home but has talked about moving out, which I don’t think would be a bad thing. The others all live within 15 minutes drive away. We have 2 wonderful grandchildren, who I love dearly and from next month I’ll be helping with childcare, but it doesn’t stop me dreaming of a move to the coast. My husband and I used to talk about moving to the coast once the children had grown up, but he wouldn’t even consider it now we have grandchildren near by. No one knows really how another person’s marriage really works, so I wouldn’t mention your concerns, but do offer support

Azalea99 Sat 02-Mar-24 12:00:00

I’m most definitely with BigBertha1. Most definitely!

RakshaMK Sat 02-Mar-24 12:09:20

We actually moved about 2 hours away from family on purpose - to release them from being made to feel responsible everytime something needed doing. I've started developing a new support group in the new area, while still keeping in touch with my friends.
However I do wonder about her husbands motivation for the move, is he still going to expect the sons to support them?

NotSpaghetti Sat 02-Mar-24 12:13:53

Why yhe sudden bungalow change from fairly local one to miles away?
I'd ask her that.

Bluedaisy Sat 02-Mar-24 12:16:30

My advice tell her you’re fears for her. We had a lovely bungalow in a beautiful spot in East Sussex. Due to personal reasons we decided to up sticks and move to Devon. I have never regretted such a decision as that one! We bought a lovely house in Devon but….after the initial excitement wore off things started to go wrong and we realised our mistake. DH started to change personality and we had no friends or family in Devon so I felt very alone, turned out he had developed Vascular dementia and had to give up driving, landing all the driving on me but my knees were shot to bits because I need needed 2 new knees making going out, appointments , shopping, vets etc anywhere an ordeal. Friends and family who said they would visit us never did because it was a 5 hour journey. Our Son and his family came down a few times but started to moan about the cost of petrol and he didn’t want (rightly so) to take too much of his holiday visiting us and driving us about and we missed them as they did us and our grandson. All in all it was an expensive disaster and not one I’d want to repeat anytime soon! Hindsight is a wonderful thing and we realised we should of just taken a months holiday somewhere. Now we are stuck in a small cottage in a Sussex village because when we moved back up to Sussex we can no longer afford a bungalow (which is what we really need) due to the rising cost of property! It was a very expensive mistake to make and we wished we had stayed put in our own lovely bungalow in East Sussex! Please show your friend this as if something unexpected happens to her husband she will be stranded in a home far from her family and friends and it is exhausting and expensive to move back near.

EEJit Sat 02-Mar-24 12:25:51

Keep quiet unless she asks. To be honest, I don't think it's any of your business