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A bad day

(31 Posts)
tingaloo Sat 05-Mar-16 08:23:00

My husband died nearly three weeks ago after being ill for a long time. The funeral was Las Monday, and was beautiful, a celebration of his life. I have been coping really well, and everyone has been saying how well I have dealt with caring for him (he wasn't always an easy man, but we loved each other very much). Today I have woken up feeling very low, and remembering every harsh word I said to him or thought I had about him, and I can't go and give him a hug to make it better.

tingaloo Sat 05-Mar-16 08:25:40

Last not Las. My phone keeps doing this. I have never knowingly typed Las but it insists that is what I want to say!

Stansgran Sat 05-Mar-16 08:32:00

I can't see your post and not say anything but surely this is part of the grieving process. Be kind to yourself. What would he have said to you now? There will be Gransnetters who have experience of widowhood who will be able to say more sensible and helpful words but be kind.

Imperfect27 Sat 05-Mar-16 08:32:44

Hi tingaloo, I am so sorry to read that you have lost your DH. It is very normal to have these difficult days - they seem to hit very hard just when we have got through the busyness of the funeral. Even when we have seen someone through a long illness, their death can still come as more of a shock than we realise. You probably haven't realised how hard your mind and body have been working to cope with everything. When it goes quiet - as it tends to after the funeral, well, this is the first real space you have to start to process what has happened. And it is really normal to remember anything that might have caused regret / guilt. These memories can crowd in for a time and push out all the better ones, but they will come back to you too.
I am sorry it is o tough and I suspect it will feel difficult for some time yet, but please do be assured that these darker days do, bit by bit give way to better ones over time.
{flowers] and [hugs] xx

Liz46 Sat 05-Mar-16 08:37:35

I wonder if you were busy organising the funeral and all the practical things and now they are mostly done, you have time for the shock to set in.

I am sure that someone with more experience will come here with some advice but in the meantime, I am so sorry for your loss.

My best friend (for 45 years) died a few days ago. I am not busy organising anything to do with her death and feel physically ill. I keep remembering how good she was to me when I was getting divorced and wonder if I visited her enough when she became ill. I think it's normal to feel guilt when someone dies so don't regret any harsh words tingaloo. There can't be a marriage in the world which has not had some sort of disagreement.

Take care of yourself. Buy some expensive chocolate.

annsixty Sat 05-Mar-16 08:43:55

Kind thoughts and wishes to you and be kind to yourself. It is very early days.
We all have those feelings of regret at our past action and words because we are human and not perfect so think about all the lovely things you did for him and the care you gave him and dismiss the other thoughts.

Marmight Sat 05-Mar-16 09:11:52

Tingaloo so sorry to hear you have lost your husband. You have been coping well so far and now is the time to 'let go' for a bit. So many different thoughts will race through your mind over the weeks to come. I have been there and it still happens to me. We all regret what we did or didn't do, say, or feel and the realisation that there is absolutely nothing we can do about it is hard to accept. Guilt is one of the main things we have to deal with after losing a loved one. Do you have family close by who can help? After 3 weeks, mine all went back to their homes and lives and life for me became very strange and lonely as I am sure it is for you. Don't be persuaded to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Just take every day as it comes - some will be ok, others will be hell. I have never cried so much in my life, but it does help. I tried to get out every day if only for a walk round the block which helped get my mind on other things. No doubt you will be having to deal with the dreaded 'paperwork' which is also upsetting. I used to get into a complete mess just trying to deal with insurances and banks, but in the great scheme of things, it really doesn't matter! Looking after yourself is the most important thing right now. flowers

Luckygirl Sat 05-Mar-16 09:15:04

Regret is part of the process tingaloo - no-one can sustain a perfect relationship with never a cross word, but when someone dies we do have moments when those memories seem to take over. Gradually the good memories will take their place. Give it time - you will get there. flowers

Lona Sat 05-Mar-16 09:24:07

tingaloo my deepest sympathy flowers
Be kind to yourself now, you are feeling fragile but you are only human, and at the time, you did your very best for your husband.

Synonymous Sat 05-Mar-16 09:37:54

So sorry for your loss tingaloo flowers ((hugs))

Hope that you will soon get to the point where you think about DH and just can't help smiling.

glassortwo Sat 05-Mar-16 09:49:25

tinga sending you a {{{hug}}} be kind to yourself flowers

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 05-Mar-16 09:53:27

tingaloo. Lots of hugs. I think everyone is bound to get feelings like yours after they have lost someone. Be kind to yourself. You were happy together. That's what counts. No one's perfect all the time. We are human and we all have ups and downs. You did make him happy.

Loads of flowers, and cupcake if it can help just a little bit.

Anya Sat 05-Mar-16 10:16:08

Grief is like that (((hugs)))

Leonora47 Sat 05-Mar-16 10:47:01

We're both in the same rather leaky boat Tingaloo, only I'm a couple of months further down the path.
Your feelings are an echo of my own.
At first, I was almost euphoric, having cared for my dear man for ten years, and seen him safely to his end, treasured and loved 'til his final breath.
His funeral was a happy occasion, and like your Dh's a celebration of my Michael's life.

But now, a month later, I am haunted by the thought that I could have done more, and the times when I, "lost it" and said something less than kind.

It would have been our fifty- third anniversary yesterday, and there is no sign of the competent newly widdowed me.

You are not alone my dear
I am assured that there are various stages of grieving, and we all need to pass through them.
I cope by climbing into bed and finding a BBC radio drama on demand. The story distracts my troubled thoughts, and I am lulled into much needed sleep.
We have both run a 'caring marathon', and are mentally and physically exhausted. It makes sense that we need time to heal.

We loved our men, and did our damnedest to care for them.

The happy times of love and laughter are still there, but we need to sweep the rubbish thoughts out of our minds before we can look back on our marriages through those essential rose-tinted glasses.
You are strong, you have proved it, and you will be strong again.
Big Hugs,

morethan2 Sat 05-Mar-16 12:04:40

((((Hugs)))) and flowers condolences for tingaloo and all of you who are grieving.

tingaloo Sat 05-Mar-16 15:31:21

They don't call it a broken heart for no reason. I really do feel a tight band around my chest and tingling around my mouth and in my hands.

Crafting Sat 05-Mar-16 22:17:11

I'm sorry for your loss ting. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself ((hugs))

Judthepud2 Sat 05-Mar-16 23:20:34

What a lovely post Leonora ! I hope it will help you Ting knowing that these thoughts and feelings are part of your grieving. I recognise that horrible heavy heart feeling from when I lost loved ones. The death of your life partner must be so devastating, even when you knew it was coming.

Be gentle with yourself and do just what you are able. You know where to come for virtual hugs.

patriciaann71 Sat 05-Mar-16 23:27:08

Hi, so very sorry for you. My darling husband took his own life 3 yrs ago whilst suffering from depression. He wasn't a "depressive" at all but a wonderfully happy man who suffered a bout after a knee op. I am ashamed to say that in the couple of weeks leading up to his death, I said a few harsh words to him because I thought he was letting himself get even more "down".I did apologise but maybe the harm had been done and while out on a a short shopping trip I returned home to find the worst had happened. I went through hell with remorse, but because you have to to remain sane, I came to terms with it. I hope by saying this that you will derive some comfort and hope. I will never be happy in the same way but do find happiness and love with a wonderful daughter and two lovely young grandchildren.
. I would say take each day as it comes and don't dwell on the past or the future. God bless and good luck


grannyqueenie Sat 05-Mar-16 23:36:18

As others have said, be kind to yourself * ting* it's still early days and it's very natural to dip in and out of lots of mixed up feelings and emotions.
flowers and hugs to everyone trying to find their way through grief, it's never an easy path to tread xx

Grannyben Fri 11-Mar-16 19:58:49

I'm sure there arnt many people who don't regret saying or doing something but it's just the way we live our normal family life. You have started this traumatic journey and its so early, you're not going to know if you're coming or going. Try and cut yourself a bit of slack, you deserve it. Sending hugs xx

mumofmadboys Sat 12-Mar-16 08:27:16

Take a day at a time,Tingaloo. You must be physically and emotionally exhausted. Take care .x

Nana3 Sat 12-Mar-16 08:49:03

Thinking of you tingaloo hope you have company over the weekend.
flowers for all GN's on this thread.

Imperfect27 Sat 12-Mar-16 09:33:42

Just echoing these thoughts. Weekends are sometimes the hardest.
flowers and {{{hugs}}}

geeljay Sat 12-Mar-16 10:19:12

There will be a million "What ifs", but you know deep down you did your best for him. No one could ask or expect more than your best. Be kind to yourself, if you have a couple of good friends, they will help cope with the loneliness you will feel. I was advised, small steps each day. Hugs will help x