A bad day

patriciaann71 - so sorry to hear of your painful loss. I too suffered a major depression after a hip operation - like your OH it came out of the blue for no apparent reason. It is a peculiar and hard to understand thing - it is purely by luck that I did not do as your OH did. Believe me I felt that it was the only way out on many occasions. Please be assured that all through the ordeal I really did appreciate the love of my family, and took any mildly harsh words as their attempts to encourage me to come out of it - I did not blame them at all and knew what they were trying to do.

The terrible sense of ill-being in a major depression is not easy to describe unless you have been there - it is not sadness; it is in a completely different league. But I can say to you that it is deeply distressing beyond description and pushed me to the edge on several occasions - what I do know is that your OH's action will quite simply have been an attempt to switch off the awful and quite unbearable sinking sensation that goes with being so depressed. The urge to do so is very strong and there were times when I pleaded with my family to "let me go."

What I am trying to get across is that none of this is your fault - the fact that the depression struck in the first place is not your fault and neither is his sad action. His response was purely the fault of the illness - please believe me, I really do know.

I am glad that you are moving on from this and that you have a DD and DGC to bring joy into your life.

What a kind post Luckygirl and so true that it truly isn't anyone's fault - just the illness. My ex had post-operative shock and a terrible depression followed. I think this condition doesn't get much recognition.

Patricaann, I expect you already knew that 'guilt' is a very common reaction when we lose someone, but it is so much more magnified when they are lost to suicide. Sometimes the shock of loss makes us return to the dark thoughts - almost as if we punish ourselves, because we go over them again and again in our minds, but it is a way of gradually processing what has happened. I hope these strong feelings of being at fault do give way and that you can draw strength form the joys of your DD and family.

xx

I sometimes wonder how common this response to surgery is. I was quite unwell afterwards, going into atrial fibrillation and needing to go on the coronary care unit. This was followed by the terrible depression which just dropped on me from out of the blue.

I wonder if it happens to others and how well documented this is. I was not "sad" because of the pain or immobility - I was just very very ill.

Well, it wasn't until reading this thread that I thought 'Hang on a minute - this seems to link with my ex's experience'. I remember visiting him in hospital the evening after he had had a shoulder op. it was a summer evening, but he was terribly cold, teeth chattering and seemed in shock. Following on from there, all I can say is he went 'strange', started an affair and left me three months later. I know he was already carrying work stress and some depression, but this seemed to be a massive trigger to very 'out of character' behaviour.

My man died almost three months ago. My daughter's marriage broke up the same week, so she and her two wee ones moved in (temporarily) with me. Its been traumatic, not to say horrendous at times, all round, but we are very lucky in that we have very good friends. Everyone has different circumstances to work through, but eventually new paths emerge. Good friends are treasure.

Aren't they just! So sorry to read of your loss MeggyMay. I know the family can keep us going at times, but also helpful to be able to go gently when we need to - sounds like you have been kept very busy
xx