We're both in the same rather leaky boat Tingaloo, only I'm a couple of months further down the path.
Your feelings are an echo of my own.
At first, I was almost euphoric, having cared for my dear man for ten years, and seen him safely to his end, treasured and loved 'til his final breath.
His funeral was a happy occasion, and like your Dh's a celebration of my Michael's life.
But now, a month later, I am haunted by the thought that I could have done more, and the times when I, "lost it" and said something less than kind.
It would have been our fifty- third anniversary yesterday, and there is no sign of the competent newly widdowed me.
You are not alone my dear
I am assured that there are various stages of grieving, and we all need to pass through them.
I cope by climbing into bed and finding a BBC radio drama on demand. The story distracts my troubled thoughts, and I am lulled into much needed sleep.
We have both run a 'caring marathon', and are mentally and physically exhausted. It makes sense that we need time to heal.
We loved our men, and did our damnedest to care for them.
The happy times of love and laughter are still there, but we need to sweep the rubbish thoughts out of our minds before we can look back on our marriages through those essential rose-tinted glasses.
You are strong, you have proved it, and you will be strong again.
Big Hugs,
Leonora