Gransnet forums

Bereavement

Death of my son

(51 Posts)
nessie24 Mon 19-Aug-19 19:30:29

My son died suddenly on the 10th January 2019. I'm trying to get on with the normal things like going back to work to pay the bills but I'm finding it hard. Work are very good and help me all they can but I can't talk about him to them because they don't understand. I feel I can't talk to my family as don't want to upset them. My partner who wasn't my son's dad thinks I should be over the grief by now or he don't know what to say or do. He tries but seems to say the wrong thing. I cry alot because I miss him so much. I only had him for 26 years and I feel half of me has gone with him. I write in a diary to my son everyday and look at photos all the time. I'm not looking for a miracle just advice from people who have been through the same thing or advice from a councilor.

Sara65 Mon 19-Aug-19 19:47:48

Oh goodness Nessie, that is no time at all, of course your feelings are still raw.

I can’t imagine your grief, I know life has to go on, but for you it can never be the same.
Be kind to yourself, it will take time

Minniemoo Mon 19-Aug-19 19:49:33

Hi nessie. Can I just extend my sympathy to you. I am not a counsellor nor have I experienced such a terrible loss.

Are you in the UK? A GP could help put you in touch with agencies that can possibly assist. The Samaritans are also brilliant at listening which might help. It's not surprising that you're still crying. You will miss him terribly.

It is such a short time since your son died and it sounds like you're doing the your best, being back at work and trying to 'carry on'.

But the loss of a child must be the worst loss we can live through.

I wish I could be more help.

MissAdventure Mon 19-Aug-19 19:53:58

Its such early days for you, you poor soul.

There are several people who have lost their children (yes, they've died, for those who dislike the term 'lost')

My daughter died in Oct 2017, and I will never get over it, although of course, I have to function day to day.
I feel just as you do; I wanted to have her for longer than I did - I want what most parents have.
She was my best friend.

Have you heard of 'The compassionate friends"?
They run groups around the country for bereaved parents, whatever the circumstances, however old they were.

I'm not surprised you cry a lot, because it's so soon after such a trauma, it must still be sinking in for you.

Sorry I'm rambling, and I haven't got any advice, really, except come on here and chat to any of us online, because there are some incredibly kind people here.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know the pain is indescribable.

flowers

Gransooz Mon 19-Aug-19 19:56:09

Oh my goodness, your partner couldn’t be more wrong! I have no idea how grief-stricken you must feel as I haven’t lost a child. I have lost my parents and both of my brothers and I know how hard it was when they passed. Your child should never go before you so I’m not surprised at how you’re feeling. I think it’ll take a long time but eventually, hopefully the happy memories will overtake your sadness, but I feel the sadness will never go completely. He was your child and that will never change.

crazyH Mon 19-Aug-19 19:58:06

Oh my God (I don't like to invoke God, but in this case, I must) how do you deal with such immeasurable grief? How do you carry on, after such a loss, but you must. 26 years....phew, that's tough.
Other posters have given you good advice. See your GP. I've heard of many people mention CRUSE. You do need to talk to other parents who have experienced similar tragedies.
I can't do much but send you some flowers

Daisymae Mon 19-Aug-19 20:01:20

So sorry to hear of your loss, it's only been a short period and grief is a process that takes to go through. Not that you will ever get over this loss but it will become easier. You can contact Cruse who will offer bereavement counselling, they have a website with details or go to your GP. Maybe talk to your family too, they may feel that they too need to talk about your son. Give yourself time and get some help. With best wishes.

EllanVannin Mon 19-Aug-19 20:01:37

I've said this before and that is I can't think of anything worse than losing your child, in this case a young man.
It takes at least two years to grieve, which is normal. Until you've passed Birthdays and Christmas's and other memorable moments in that person's life can you begin to heal inside.

My thoughts are with you x

Lessismore Mon 19-Aug-19 20:03:56

Please please get proper professional help with this. Be prepared to pay if necessary.

No amount of counselling will make this OK but it may give you a safe space to air your feelings.

It's very recent.

gillybob Mon 19-Aug-19 20:08:47

No advice Nessie but just wanted to offer my sincere condolences. I can’t begin to imagine the pain of losing a child . flowers

Luckygirl Mon 19-Aug-19 20:09:06

flowers - your grief is one that no parent can get over, and your partner is wrong to think you should be "over it." You need time to grieve and to face a new life without your son.

It may be that your partner simply does not know how to deal with this and that is why he seems to be saying the wrong things.

I do hope that you can find a good and sympathetic listening ear to help you at this time.

M0nica Mon 19-Aug-19 20:09:29

The grief of the loss of a child or other person very close to you never goes a way - and certainly not in 8 months. When my sister died, I spent most of the next year driving to and from work with tears coursing down my face. My mother lived 6 years after the death of her daughter but, although she returned to 'normal', the grief was never very far below the surface and easily triggered.

As others have said, if the sympathy and support you need cannot be found at home, seek coinselling through your GP or contact The Samaritans or Compassionate Friends, they will understand and give you all the help and the listening ear you need.

MissAdventure Mon 19-Aug-19 20:09:37

Cruise were very helpful to me when the nhs wasn't able to offer me counselling.

GrannyGravy13 Mon 19-Aug-19 20:14:48

nessie24 grief is all consuming, each of us grieve differently 💐💐💐💐

GrandmaMoira Mon 19-Aug-19 20:21:09

I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine anything worse than losing your child. I don't have any advice, just sympathy.

downtoearth Mon 19-Aug-19 20:23:07

Hi Nessie
My daughter took her own life in 2004 aged just 23,her whole life in front of her.

There is a huge Kate shaped hole that I have learned to walk round.

7 months is no time at all in the grieving,it will go on for a lifetime,but you will find acceptance in your own time and with that comes peace,but there are many stages to pass through to get there.

Be kind to yourself,your partner like mine at the time not my daughters father,and no children of his own was often clumsy,and I very sensitive and in pain found this hard to deal with.

I have learned how to laugh and live again, she is never far from my thoughts,and as painful as it has been,given the choice I would go back and have her all over again .

Big hugs Nessie from one mum to another [[[[[ ]]]]]flowers

merlotgran Mon 19-Aug-19 20:23:38

My DD died in May and I hope nobody attempts to put a time limit on my grief.

Some days I think I might be getting there and the next I'm poleaxed by it.

I can completely understand your feelings, nessie. I'm still at the stage where I can't bear to even look at photos.

I hope you find some help and advice. flowers

pinkquartz Mon 19-Aug-19 20:28:14

oh nessie24 it is far too soon to be getting over your grief. To lose a loved one is real heartbreak and to lose a child is always the worst so please be easy on yourself.
Your DP is out of order. He has to back off and be sympathetic.
You need to grieve.
Time wise we are told to expect at least 2 years to get over the worst. Of course you need to cry.
It's your beloved son.
Give yourself permission to cry, if you can explain to DP that he is not being understanding, and can he just let you be.
I wish all the best.

paddyann Mon 19-Aug-19 20:37:18

Everyone has their own way to grieve and your husband should respect that and support you .It wont go away but it wll become easier to live with over time so dont feel you have to put a face on things because others think you should .Give yourself the time you need,however long it takes and be kind to yourself .I hope you find some peace in your heart and are able to smile at your memories one day not too far in the future .

TerriBull Mon 19-Aug-19 20:44:27

I am so sorry nessie, no greater pain than losing one's child I'm sure. As others have said you can't possibly put a time limit on such a monumental loss. My husband lost his son over 10 years ago, he tells me you never get over that loss, but learn to come to terms with it in time. I do hope you draw some comfort from the support of those here who have unfortunately experienced your pain and know exactly what you are going through.

I hope you are able to contact a bereavement counselling service to talk you through your feelings, of course you can't get over something such as a death of a child in a matter of months.

Look after yourself flowers

BlueBelle Mon 19-Aug-19 20:59:05

I m shedding a tear for all who have lost their child it’s an unbearable thing the very worst thing to happen to anyone There is nothing I can say but a hug for each of you 💕

Harris27 Mon 19-Aug-19 21:03:38

So sorry for your loss. And a few months isn’t enough time to grieve. My sister lost her son years ago and yes she returned to work and went through the motions but I could see her pain everyday and don’t know how she coped. My heart goes out to you. Get some bereavement counselling.

ginny Mon 19-Aug-19 21:17:24

So sad for you Nessie. Grieve in your own way and in your own time.

SueDonim Mon 19-Aug-19 21:58:39

Others have given good advice so I'll just say how sorry I am for your loss, Nessie24. flowers

Anniebach Mon 19-Aug-19 22:03:56

My beloved elder daughter died November 2017. It will take time and you will work through stages of grief, there is no set
time , please get counselling, it can’t take away your pain but you will be able to express your deepest feelings.

We are here to listen x

dogsmother Mon 19-Aug-19 22:11:17

Hugs for you virtual, but heartfelt.

CaroDane Mon 19-Aug-19 22:38:31

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You need to talk to someone, even the Samaritans will listen if you just want to talk about your son. Failing that perhaps a local church group might run a bereavement circle ?

Eloethan Tue 20-Aug-19 00:30:58

nessie I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I expect your partner is worried about you when he says you should be over your grief by now but I don't suppose people ever get over the loss of a child - they just learn to live with it. Anyway, it's quite natural that you are still very sad and tearful.

If you feel you can't talk about your grief to your family or a close friend, I agree witht those who suggest you may find it helpful to open up to a bereavement counsellor.

Grandma2213 Tue 20-Aug-19 01:02:30

nessie24 and all who have lost children my heart goes out to you, though I can't begin to imagine the pain. I have no advice but there seems to be plenty on here that may help. flowers

Willow500 Tue 20-Aug-19 05:49:55

A close friend lost her daughter 6 years ago - she still cries a lot and says not everyone understands the devastation the loss has caused in their lives - even other family members. I'm sure your husband is struggling to find the words to comfort you and will be worried that you (to him) seem to not be coping. There is no time limit on grief and yours is still so raw. If you have no close friends to talk to please try to get help from the organisations mentioned above. No parent should outlive their child and it's an unimaginable pain. Please keep posting as others on here who have been through it will be a great support to you flowers

RosieLeah Tue 20-Aug-19 07:00:21

I also have no advice to give, just want to express my sympathy. Losing your child must be the worse thing that can happen to a parent.
You'll surely never come to terms with it.
Your husband seems very insensitive, you need understanding and gentleness while you adjust to life without your son.

Brunette10 Tue 20-Aug-19 07:44:34

No advice Nessie but just wanted to offer my sincere condolences. I can’t begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. Just take each day as it comes, your own way flowers

Hetty58 Tue 20-Aug-19 08:09:19

Nessie, there's no rush or time limit for grief. Personally, I don't think we should be expected (or expect ourselves) to 'get over it'. Instead, we very gradually get used to it and it eventually becomes less painful. We pick it up and carry it with us. Eventually, it becomes a lighter burden.

Your comment rang a bell with me:

'I feel I can't talk to my family as don't want to upset them.'

We did just that as a family. When you reflect on it later it doesn't make much sense. It's not as if they've all forgotten and you'll remind them by talking about him. We tried so hard not to upset each other. In our case, a long period of not talking about it was followed by a time of talking a lot, as if 'catching up', then just occasionally.

I used to go and have a good cry in the shower or take the dog for a long walk when very distressed. I was worried about upsetting the kids.

Years later, they said I wasn't really there, I was like a robot on autopilot. It scared them. They would have found it far easier if I'd openly cried and they could have comforted me.
So really, I added to the grief by being artificially reserved, brave and quiet about it. We all cried alone instead of together.

Auntieflo Tue 20-Aug-19 08:10:28

Nessie, you can see from the replies that you have had, that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, just your way.
Condolences, {{{hugs}}} and flowers

mosaicwarts Tue 20-Aug-19 08:20:48

Sending you a big hug Nessie, such an unexpected tragedy, I am so very sorry for your unbearable pain.

My best friend's 36 year old stepson was killed in Poland last Christmas, her partner is 76 and still numb with shock. She loved her stepson dearly but has put her grief on hold to support him, he just sits and cries.

I am 350 miles away and unable to help by visiting, but I bought them two books recommended by Cruse - Aspects of Loss: A Companion for Bereaved Parents and Their Families Paperback by Gill Hartley and
A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies by
Anne McCracken. They may have them in your local library, she said the books gave them some small comfort. Her partner had counselling with Cruse, but felt it didn't help.

Just take each day as it comes and remember to be kind to yourself. My daughter is still grieving for her Dad three years on, there is no time limit.

Kupari45 Tue 20-Aug-19 11:12:30

Nessie, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your son. I can well imagine the pain you are going through.
My daughter died in February 2016 and I'm still feeling very sad. There is just an enormous whole in my life that just cant be filled.
Friends just dont understand, but then unless you have experienced the loss of a child -how can you know what it feels like.
I was advised to see my G.P. -get counselling etc. Well the G.P. wasnt interested and gave me a prescription for anti-depressants- which I threw away. The bereavement counsellor had a waiting list of 9 months. No help there.
What really helped was joining the The Compassionate Friends. You can join in the discussions online-or you can send a private message to someone on the forum. Everyone on that forum has lost a child and knows the pain you are going through.
I do hope you'll consider TCF. My heart goes out to you, you must be very sad.

Nonnie Tue 20-Aug-19 11:16:09

nessie I know exactly how you feel and you won't cope for a long time yet. Don't even try to, just keep on keeping on, that's all you can do. flowers

Alygran Tue 20-Aug-19 11:33:54

So sorry for your loss flowers

Fennel Tue 20-Aug-19 18:01:42

It must be the worst pain nessie. To lose a child. [flowers}

nanaK54 Tue 20-Aug-19 18:52:09

I am so sorry for your loss, I send my kindest thoughts to you nessie flowers

Bikerhiker Wed 21-Aug-19 21:30:39

Nessie i'm so sorry you have lost your precious son. It is such a short time and you must feel so raw. It must be unbearable not to be able to openly express your grief.
In a few days it will be a year since my daughter died and I still need all the support I can get to enable me to process my grief. I had much welcome kindness from posters on this forum. Someone will always listen if you wish to post. A thing I find very helpful is The Compassionate Friends monthly group meeting. Also, if you can afford it, some counselling rather than waiting.
I don't think we will ever get over losing our children but more that the grief will become part of us as we learn to live with it. However, I think this will take its time and we and others cannot put a limit on this.
Please take care. Sending you love. X

silverlining48 Wed 21-Aug-19 22:18:44

Nessie you are at the start of a journey that no one wants to take but sadly there are others in your heartbreaking situation who I am sure will do their best to support you if they can. I am so sorry for your loss.

Hetty58 Fri 23-Aug-19 12:42:30

Nessie, your partner just plainly doesn't understand and probably worries that he hasn't a clue how to react. Concentrate on looking after yourself as best you can and do whatever makes you feel a little better. Anything else can usually wait!

Deedaa Sat 24-Aug-19 20:57:38

A friend of mine has just reminded us that it is 22 years this weekend since her 23 year old son died. Many really good things have happened to her since but the hole he left is still there. A few months is nothing.

nessie24 Sun 25-Aug-19 18:29:29

Yes I'm in UK. Ive told m y family I am getting counciling but I'm not as so exspensive and can't afford it as funeral Is costing me so much. I've go £1300 left to pay. I'm trying to get through it alone.

dragonfly46 Sun 25-Aug-19 18:38:35

nessie you can contact Cruse. They will offer cancelling and do not charge. You could also get help from the GP. I am so sorry you are suffering, losing a child is dreadful and it is so recent.

FlyingSolo Sun 25-Aug-19 18:44:23

There might be a hospice near you that offers bereavement counselliing. That's where I went. They didn't charge and your loved one didn't need to be known to them or have used their services before their death. It really is still very early days for you though. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it, there are no shoulds when it comes to grief. x

BlueBelle Sun 25-Aug-19 18:48:24

There are free counselling services but you do have to look around and dragonfly is write talk to the gp we have bereavement counsellors at our local hospital too
Don’t go through this alone please xx

BlueBelle Sun 25-Aug-19 18:49:10

Right not write sorry

GillT57 Sun 25-Aug-19 18:57:00

I have no advice to offer, but I just cannot imagine losing my son who is the same age as yours. Others on here have, sadly, experienced the death of a child and will give better advice than I can. The only thing I would say is that your partner may be clumsy in what he says because he is frightened of your grief, worried that he will say the wrong thing and make things worse, as if that was even possible. So sorry.

Beeny Sat 21-Sep-19 23:38:36

I'm new here, having only become a gran a couple of months ago. I'm hoping for a little collective wisdom. My 22 year old son, my granddaughter's father, was killed in a horrific car accident two weeks ago. The funeral is on Tuesday. His girlfriend, of only 18 months, is refusing to give back his watch, which was passed down to him from my father. I would like to give the watch to his twin brother, which is what my father would have wanted. The girlfriend says she wants it for her daughter, but is wearing it every day. I don't know what to do.