Recently widowed and suffering with loneliness

Whiff

Serendipity would you mind is I put this on the estrangement thread I am on as I find it so inspiring. But I won't if you don't want me to.

Absolutely no problem whatsoever...

It is very uplifting and so positive. X

Serendipity would you mind is I put this on the estrangement thread I am on as I find it so inspiring. But I won't if you don't want me to.

Whiff

Serendipity thank you that brought tears to my eyes. ?

X

Serendipity thank you that brought tears to my eyes. ?

Whiff

Granny have you contacted the deaf society. You say you are hard of hearing I am sure they could help you . Please don't give up on things just because you can't do things a certain way or hear very well. There is always something you can do. And you can still be helpful and live a fulfilling life. But you need to reach out to people. Help is there you need to ask .

I don't know how old you are but I was 45 when I was widowed and with my husband since I was 16. All my life I have had problems with my limbs and fell a lot. I got worse 34 years ago and couldn't do some things but my brilliant husband just said we alter our life to suit what you can do. Our children where 4 and 6 months. So we could still go out as a family because my walking was so bad I used a wheelchair. Never realised how dangerous it was for wheelchair users and children in buggies. In 1988 smoking was still allowed in shops and malls.

Years of tests and seeing all the top neurologists . I only had my diagnosis in April I am 64. And I was born with it and it's rare. My new neurologist had my blood genetically tested and finally knew what wrong with me.

What I am trying to say in my long winded way. No matter how old you get or what limitations your body places on you there is always something you can do. If I let my body stop me doing things I wouldn't do anything.

Don't give up trying to do things . You just have to adapt. It's not easy but we only have one life and we need to live it to the full .

My husband was always fit and healthy but it was him that died not me. And I owe it to him to live the best life I can.

I have to add a comment to your post. How inspiring and positive and I want to share this with you. X

Granny have you contacted the deaf society. You say you are hard of hearing I am sure they could help you . Please don't give up on things just because you can't do things a certain way or hear very well. There is always something you can do. And you can still be helpful and live a fulfilling life. But you need to reach out to people. Help is there you need to ask .

I don't know how old you are but I was 45 when I was widowed and with my husband since I was 16. All my life I have had problems with my limbs and fell a lot. I got worse 34 years ago and couldn't do some things but my brilliant husband just said we alter our life to suit what you can do. Our children where 4 and 6 months. So we could still go out as a family because my walking was so bad I used a wheelchair. Never realised how dangerous it was for wheelchair users and children in buggies. In 1988 smoking was still allowed in shops and malls.

Years of tests and seeing all the top neurologists . I only had my diagnosis in April I am 64. And I was born with it and it's rare. My new neurologist had my blood genetically tested and finally knew what wrong with me.

What I am trying to say in my long winded way. No matter how old you get or what limitations your body places on you there is always something you can do. If I let my body stop me doing things I wouldn't do anything.

Don't give up trying to do things . You just have to adapt. It's not easy but we only have one life and we need to live it to the full .

My husband was always fit and healthy but it was him that died not me. And I owe it to him to live the best life I can.

There are some heartfelt posts on here so I hesitated about writing this but Whiff has made some suggestions so here goes. My husband belongs to a bowling club and they have been recruiting new members. One man lost his wife a few months ago and was so pleased to join the club.

We had a social evening and it was the first time he had been out to anything like that since his wife died. It was a very friendly evening and he seemed to enjoy it.

Deedaa.
I feel the same. My husband was 73 when he died suddenly. Both his parents were 89 and his grandparents were in their mid 80s. It does seem so unfair.
On the other hand, he didn't suffer a long drawn out illness nor did he become frail and lose his mental faculties.
He was my dearest man to the end.

There are some lovely posts on here, thank you to all of you for putting a lot of my thoughts into words. I am nearly 6 years down the line after 53 years of marriage, but it still hits me every now and then. One of the times is when I can`t think of someone`s name or a certain happening, and I turn to ask my hubby, but he`s not there.

It will be three years this month since DH died. I am lucky in that my son and grandson are living with me, my daughter and her family are only 10 minutes away and I have two very close friends who I have known since school. Life goes on but it doesn't overcome the fact that there is no one as close as he was. I even miss the arguments because they were just a sign of how well we knew each other. It seems very unfair that he came from a long lived family with everyone living into their 80s and 90s and he was only 71, but I keep those thoughts for when I really miss him.

My thoughts are with you Isummer I was in exactly the same position with my DH this time last year. It is awful watching the person you love so much fade away before your eyes.
A year on I am trying to focus on all the happy times we had together but I miss him more each day.
Like Whiff I have joined a craft group and made new friends in a similar situation, this helps because unless people have been there it’s hard for them to understand just how you feel. Accept any kind offers of help from friends & family and look after yourself.
Sending you big hugs

Marilyn and Granny23 sending my best wishes to you both and to all who struggle in difficult times. A day at a time.

I have tried to re-engage with my former activities but e.g. arthritic hands and poor eyesight have scuppered my crochet and knitting skills and increasing deafness makes it hard to participate in meetings in person and particularly on line.

I think the only way forward is to accept that my helping and giving days have passed and the best contribution I can make to society is to accept help and concern graciously, thereby giving other, younger or more 'with it' people opportunities to be compassionate and helpful.

Granny what are your interests ? Do you knit or do a craft? Do you want to exercise? I go to a GP referral exercise class I am the youngest at 64 our oldest is 94. It's core aims are strength and stability class is 45 mins then hot drink and biscuits costs £2.50.

I go to a craft group at my local library it's free we take tea,coffee and biscuits. We all take something and have a cupboard to keep them it in. Most knit or crochet but some sew, I cross stitch. But it's for any craft.

Is there a U3A near you. They have a talk every month plus outings and different groups to join.

Google things and you will be surprised what is out there to do. But you have to make the effort to do it.

There are a whole bunch of new friends for you to make. Be brave and try. I promise you it's worth it. And makes sure you get out of your home every week .

And people will get to know you not wife or widow ,mom or nannie . It's very freeing .

Granny, you are still you. Still a mum and a grandma and no doubt very important to your family.
i do understand, though you and I both know brooding does not help but makes things worse. We are no longer responsible fir others which is hard after so many years of care, but we are still responsible fir ourselves, our happiness or not.
If you can, try to find something to occupy those times when you feel most alone. You sound a bit low, might a visit to the surgery help, that should keep you occupied.
Best wishes and

I am finding it hard discovering who "I" am. firstly I was a Daughter and sister and that continued to be one of my roles until my parents died. Left school and became a worker at 15 ( until I was 60). I met my OH when I was 17 married straight from my parents house at 19, became a wife and DIL and within a few years was a Mum to 2 and eventually a Granny to 3. Also a very active community/political/charitable volunteer.

Now I have lost most of these roles. I don't work, No longer a daughter, wife or carer. My DDs look out for me rather than me helping them, my DGC are all taller and more competent than I am. Most of my long time friends have died. I have ceased to be useful and become a burden. I spend too much time brooding and mourning what I have lost. As to the future??

fiorentina I am lonely but only for my husband not because I am on my own. I still hate the empty bed after 18 years. Still sleep on my side. Doing things on your own is hard. I had to do a lot of firsts as I had been with my husband since I was 16. I laugh at myself sometimes all the things I had never done on my own .

Grief has never left it is my constant companion. But I cope better . It very early days for you. As said before I count the first 10 years as early days of grief. I once asked my son when do you think grief ends he said probably 20 years. But I now know it will never end. But have accepted that fact long time ago.

Making a new present and future is hard. Having to make all the decisions after being a couple is very hard. Luckily only made a couple of iffy ones. My husband made me promise to live the best life I can and I do. That's what your husband would want you to do , and all those who have lost spouses or partners .

I have what I call wobbles where I end up a sodden mess. But it helps. No emotion you feel is wrong. I thought I was wicked because I felt so filled with rage and anger then realised that's normal. All our emotions helps us get through each day. So it may take years but you will suddenly notice you don't cry everyday and when you do cry it does last as long as it did. But take your time. ?

I was widowed 4 months ago. My husband died very suddenly from cardiac arrest. He had no symptoms and apart from suffering from rheumatoid arthritis, was very fit.
I've done my best to keep busy, probably overdone it at times but I think it's what I need to do.
My friends and family have been very supportive which has helped me deal with my grief.

I'm still trying to get my head around my "new normal" way of life. I don't like it but it's what I've been dealt with, just like millions of other people who have to face living without the person they loved the most, their other half.

I too find evenings and night times worst. The solitary meals etc. Also attending social events on my own, which we used to do as a couple seem very strange still. I'm getting used to it though.

I have a daily weep sometimes descending into an outright sobbing and wailing session but I usually feel better afterwards.

I really don't have any advice to add to the wise words already written on here by others more articulate than I but I hope all who are bereaved will gain some comfort from what they read. ?❤

Marilyn, as you see by all experiences talked about on here, you are not alone, nothing prepares you, I still don't really talk about the nightmare of my husband's illness. Wexarecalwwe different. You will start very gradually to have good moments, good days. He was your other half and so you do not feel whole, but life will improve, it's such very early days for you. Be kind to yourself, it is lonely but when you go anywhere try and speak to people, most are glad to talk.

1summer I feel for you as it's not easy watching the love of your life dieing. As I have said on here I told my husband to stop fighting and we would be ok and he died a few minutes later. I never wanted to let go but had to for his sake. And it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. What made it worse for me I have had something wrong with my limbs all my life. I always thought I would die first not my fit healthy man.

When he finally dies you will feel every emotion possible including rage and anger. I learnt the hard way don't fight any emotion let yourself feel them . It will make your grief easier to bear. My husband was 47 I was 45.

After a death there is so much to do but still give yourself time to grieve. I didn't want to wash,brush my teeth or eat. But had to force myself to do it. As I would be letting down my husband . I can't say your grief will get easier as for me it's been 18 years and the grief has gotten worse but I have learnt to cope. Even now it overwhelms me but I don't fight it as the only person I hurt by doing that is me.

I would encourage you to talk out loud to your husband when he is no longer with you. I promise it will help. I have to shouted and swore at my husband then I see him with that stupid grin on his face and I feel better. Others may think that's awful but I find comfort. There is no right or wrong way to grief you do whatever is right for you. Only you knows what you will need.

It's hard to make a new life without your husband but you will be able to do it when it's time. I know when my husband took his last breath I not only lost the love of my life but my present and future. But you can life a good life not the one you want but you must give yourself time. Only do what's needs to be done and ask for help don't think you have to do it all yourself. I thought I did and made it worse for myself.

Unfortunately I found people disappeared after my husband's funeral and some people expected me to get over my grief in a few months. And that's hurts. But I also found people who I thought would disappear because they were more my husband's friends than mine where with me for years.

My thoughts are with you. You have a hard road ahead of you but the love you and your husband share lives on after he dies..?

MawtheMerrier Beautifully written ,everything you wrote happened with me as well . Now 8:years later I’m thankful and grateful for the 38 years of married life . Now I know what other widows are going through .
A beautiful post but so sad

Thinking of you 1summer

1summer

My thoughts are with you, Isummer. Saying goodbye, however welcome a release death is, can never be anything but heart breaking.

I am just sitting here reading this beside my husband who is in the latter stages of dying, it will be hours or a few days.
I feel so sad for him suffering and for me knowing the grief and loneliness I will experience going forward.
But this has helped me to know what to expect and that other people are feeling what I may be feeling.
I will read this thread again in a few weeks/months as I think it will help me understand and cope with a different life.