Gransnet forums

Grief

(61 Posts)
debohunXL5 Fri 12-Jan-18 20:37:54

Hi I'm new on Gransnet. I lost my daughter on 14th April 2017 She was 37 and had terminal cancer. She had only 7 months from diagnosis to when she passed. She has two children A son aged 8 and a daughter aged 5. I helped my daughter with childcare and saw them almost every day from when they were born. As soon as she passed my SIL would not let us see them. This stems from the fact that I confronted him about how he was not looking after my D when she was so seriously ill. (She had come to me sobbing about his behaviour towards her and we witnessed some of his behaviour also). As a mother I could not stand by and let this happen so confronted him about it and instead of talking about it he went off in a temper. So when she passed he would not let us see the children and has now moved 3 hours away. We sent christmas presents via my eldest son but he has rejected them and even sent back their christmas cards. We have been so ill over this how could he do this to his children they have lost their mummy and also lost us I hate to think that they are pining for us. We are so devastated and i know we could possibly apply to the courts but I think he is already saying horrible things about us to the children and if they rejected us we would be even more devastated. Just writing this is helping.

MissAdventure Fri 12-Jan-18 20:47:24

Hi, you can keep writing as much as you need to, and will find a lot of support and compassion here. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, and I can't imagine how it feels to have your grandchildren taken away too.
My own daughter died of cancer last November. flowers

Crafting Fri 12-Jan-18 20:51:35

No advice but heartfelt sympathy to you debohun and you too missAdventure.

cornergran Fri 12-Jan-18 20:59:30

My sympathy for you both and anyone else who has experienced such a deeply felt loss. No advice debohun other than keep writing, there is always someone to listen. The only thing to remember is this is an open forum which can be accessed by anyone and threads can sometimes appear elsewhere. I hope you will feel able to seek support here. flowers.

MissAdventure Fri 12-Jan-18 21:01:34

Thanks crafting.

JoyBloggs Fri 12-Jan-18 21:23:06

I'm so sorry, debohun, I have no words of advice but just wanted to offer my deepest sympathy. flowers

And my sincere sympathy to you MissAdventure flowers

Grannyknot Fri 12-Jan-18 21:39:26

sad this is heartbreaking.

No advice just so very sorry for your loss.

Matriark Fri 12-Jan-18 21:42:21

This is so sad! My heart goes out to you both. No advice, I’m afraid, but kind thoughts and virtual hugs.

Anniebach Fri 12-Jan-18 21:50:18

I am so very sorry. May I ask if you got on well with him before your daughters illness ?

paddyann Fri 12-Jan-18 22:17:05

I think like a lot of us he didn't know how to cope with your daughters illness and you calling him out on his treatment of her made him feel guilty...my daughter has a serious illness and her husband is the same...he is often critical when she cant manage to do things he wants.Remember too that he was grieving his wife even before she died and his grief will still..like yours be raw.Maybe you could write to him or give a letter to his mum /family so you know he gets it and explain that it was your hurt and grief that made you speak out.Not that you were wrong but if you can apologise he may be more accepting of the GC seeing you.Tell him that you worry about them losing their mum and you as you have been so close.I hope you can work it out with him as I agree the GC need you more now than ever.I wish you well and I hope you and he can make your peace

MissAdventure Fri 12-Jan-18 22:22:05

Do grandparents have rights to see their grandchildren these days? Might it be worth getting some legal advice?

morethan2 Fri 12-Jan-18 23:29:25

Please accept my sincere condolences. I am at this moment in time at the opposite end of the same problem. Luckily my DiL is responding to treatment but her cancer is terminal. My heart goes out to her mother. I have spent many a night sitting holding her hand as she sobbed. I have also witnessed her confront my son about about what she sees as his unreasonable behaviour and my son angrily defend himself. Luckily I was there and was able to diffuse the situation. It was perfectly clear to me that this was simply because the whole family were under the most terrible terrible on going strain. My DiL has sobbed in my arms twice about somthing my son has done that had hurt her. If she had confided in her own mother I dread to think what her reaction would have been. My DiL agreed with me when I said she’d have hung him from the back gate by his scotum. If I’m honest listening to her and seeing this wonderful girl sob I wouldn’t have blamed her. A few weeks ago I heared the other side of the story when my son broke down and confided his inner turmoil. I won’t go into what he said but the gist was that a lot of the time when she was low she would say things that hurt him very much somtimes for hours, days or weeks. Things like “you’ll be ok when I die, you’ll find someone else and much worse He said he tried everything to reassure her to no avail. after months and months in order to be able to carry on his emotions just shut down and probably could be construed as cold and uncaring by those of us who hadn’t witnessed her behaviour. He loves her, he loves his four children, he works early mornings so he can be home early. He’s worried sick everyday, he’s worried he can’t provide for his family. Perhaps your SiL is worried that you may unintentionally pass on your feelings of anger and disappointment about his behaviour to the children and the emotional impact that would have on them. Could you write to your SiL or a member of his family and ask them to explain on your behalf how much you miss the children and ask for supervised visits at first until trust has been restored. I really hope that you can be reunited with your grandchildren the double loss must be truly unbearable for you and your family. I hope my post isn’t insensitive or upset you.

Eglantine21 Sat 13-Jan-18 09:07:38

I am so very sorry for your loss of your daughter and now your estrangement from your grandchildren.
Their father is obviously very angry and also grieving.
My experience of this kind of situation comes from the other side. I was the daughter in law who was taken to task for not looking after my dying husband in the way his mother thought I should.
Like your son in law I had children to care for, a job to hold down, the knowledge that the man I loved would soon no longer be with me, a husband who could be unkind too. To be told I was making a poor job of it was very, very painful.

Whatever you think of him, the important thing is to re-establish contact with your grandchildren. If that means apologising profusely even though you think he was in the wrong, please do it. What he did or didn't do doesn't matter now in comparison to finding a way to see your grandchildren again.
You are worried he is saying horrible things about you. He is probably equally worried about what you might say about him. My mother in law told my children I was hopeless.

Has he moved to be closer to his family for support?

I do hope this can be resolved.

ninathenana Sat 13-Jan-18 09:13:21

morethan a well written post I hope the OP can find some comfort and understanding from it.
My thoughts are with your families.
My sympathies to all those who mention their loss.

Anniepops Sat 13-Jan-18 09:28:32

I agree with Egalantine and More than here. When my sister was dying of cystic fybrosis her husband would go missing, sometimes for days, which made her even more ill with worry. At the time my family were so angry with him for his lack of care for her. If it hadn't been for my parents she would have probably died much sooner, alone in hospital. Emotions were running so high at the time, then when grief eventually kicked in too, I could barely look at my brother in law. Looking back now I see a man running away and unable to cope. He didn't belong to a supportive family on his side, so probably hadn't a clue which way to turn. It took a long time to understand and then forgive him for the treatment of my sister (I know her illness made her angry and she could lash verbally). I suggest you forgive too and don't leave it as long as I did. Swallow any pride you may have so that you can wrap your arms around those children once again, as your daughter would have wanted. Sending a hug.

MissAdventure Sat 13-Jan-18 09:33:22

Terminal illness is so much more than just the physical deterioration of a person. It causes all sorts of emotions and issues, and it puts a terrible strain on everyone involved, its true.

WilmaKnickersfit Sat 13-Jan-18 09:34:10

debohunXL5 I can only imagine how hard life is for you and your family living with such a terrible strain. I hope you will find GN a supportive environment where you can share your feelings. My heart goes out to you and to the others who are trying to cope with the loss of loved ones and all it brings. Words seem so inadequate. flowers

Luckygirl Sat 13-Jan-18 09:54:40

Sincere sympathies to all those who have had such dreadful challenges to face.

Emotions run high at such times and it is hard to claw your way back from estrangements in these circumstances. I do hope that time will achieve some rapprochement.

debohunXL5 Sat 13-Jan-18 10:23:45

My heartfelt sympathies are with you MissAdventure.

debohunXL5 Sat 13-Jan-18 10:24:53

Thank you Crafting

debohunXL5 Sat 13-Jan-18 10:25:47

Thank you for the advice cornergran I will keep this in mind.

debohunXL5 Sat 13-Jan-18 10:27:36

Anniebach the answer to your question is we tolerated him for my D's sake. She wanted to leave him but never had the courage to do so or the time she said.

MissAdventure Sat 13-Jan-18 10:28:54

Thank you Debohun, and of course mine are with you too. I hope you and yours can find your way back to supporting eachother, but I know that it must be very difficult. I'm very sorry for your loss. The grief is all consuming at times, and I wonder how I can go on. You have added problems, I know. flowers

henetha Sat 13-Jan-18 10:33:21

I can't find the words to express my sympathy for you. I am just so very sorry for your loss. I do hope your SIL will be more reasonable once he starts to recover from his grieving.
Sending you my very best wishes that you can see your grandchildren again very soon.

debohunXL5 Sat 13-Jan-18 10:34:00

paddyann thank your for your comments. I believe you grieve for someone you have loved and lost. I do not believe my SIL loved my daughter as you do not treat someone you love like he did. If he feels anything it should be a guilty conscience. As for writing to his family apparently a letter I wrote to someone who is their family friend and who my daughter described as her second mum was apparently out of order according to him. I am not allowed to do that so writing to his family is not an option. My daughter did not have a good relationship with them and actually neither did he and yet he has moved there to be near them.

To post you need a valid nickname and password. Log in if you are a returning member, or join for free.

If you have forgotten your nickname or your password, you can get a reminder.