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Second year

(112 Posts)
MawBroon Thu 10-Jan-19 21:04:59

I wonder if anybody has any encouragement or helpful comments on this.
I thought I was doing really well throughout the first year after losing Paw. Once I’d got over crying myself to sleep or having to abandon my trolley in Waitrose because everybody else seemed to be a couple, that is.
But now the reality of the situation seems to be hitting me harder, the feeling of being alone, no longer one of a couple, the ultimate loneliness.
I keep busy, keep up a cheerful facade (“laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone”) and am in general getting on with a (sort of) life.
But....and it is a big but, the realisation that this is it is always there.
The world is still going round, people are getting on with their lives but I am not fully a part of it. I can go to things on my own quite happily (mostly) or find a friend to accompany me, but that is it, I have to find someone who is free and hate sounding needy.
Just put up with it? Worse things happen at sea? I am not the first and I won’t be the last?
I have told myself all of these. Not helping.

Esspee Thu 10-Jan-19 21:11:52

It is not easy Maw, but as you might expect it does improve with time.

Anniebach Thu 10-Jan-19 21:23:09

Maw a long time ago for me but I really do understand.
Meeting married friends at the school for parents evenings, they split the list of classrooms, I raced up and down staircases , along corridors determined to speak to every teacher. The golf club dinner and dance, I certaintly danced then came the last waltz , i was sitting alone at the tables.
Even a sister said ‘ come down for an hour, come Thursday, X (her husband) is going out. We Use to call when they were both home.
And even years later when my daughters married, the evening do, my parents didn’t want to stay until the end of the evening, ‘ you take Mum and Dad home, only take you ten minutes and your on your own’ , i was the hostess !

tanith Thu 10-Jan-19 21:57:44

Maw I constantly think about being alone once I’ve shut the front door and I don’t mind admitting I’m scared of loneliness. I am trying to make lots of little plans out of the house, I’ve booked a weeks holiday for all of us to get together in the Summer, have just been to visit my son for a long weekend abroad, I have a voucher for a cream tea and will invite both my daughters and two GDs, and my GS is going to come to an auction house with me in March to have my postcard collection valued. Of course my Gransnet coffee morning next week I’m really looking forward to.
It’s really helping me to have things to look forward to and keep me in touch with friends and family.

aggie Thu 10-Jan-19 22:35:21

I haven't reached the year milestone . Tonight I was out with the bowls club , it was ok , but the empty house on my return ................

MissAdventure Thu 10-Jan-19 22:42:55

I have found things harder this year.
Its a different kind of grief, but in a way its more painful than before.
I think its the realisation that this really is it, and life does go on.
I don't want it to; I want back what I had.

MawBroon Thu 10-Jan-19 23:09:26

Exactly MissAdventure.

MissAdventure Thu 10-Jan-19 23:19:36

Sorry, I realise I'm not a widow, but I could talk about how unhappy I am till the cows come home, given the chance.
I wish I had some sage advice, but, nope.
Lately I seem to have gone through the same cycle of emotions all over again.
I've been angry, although I've kept a lid on it.

Anniebach Fri 11-Jan-19 08:46:24

At my husbands funeral I remember feeling angry with him, all my family and his family were there with their husbands/wives, I wa angry with him for not being with me when I needed him so much, how irrational is grief, when my daughter died I was angry with him for not being with me again.
Since my darling daughter died I can’t be angry with an illness that took her life, if she had been killed in a hit and run I could be angry with the driver, the only direction for my anger is to me. This is hell.

MawBroon Fri 11-Jan-19 08:47:41

Is your grief at another type of bereavement then MissAdventure ?

morethan2 Fri 11-Jan-19 08:49:54

I wish I could say or do something..anything to make things easier, your all amazing carrying on against all this terrible pain. flowers

BlueBelle Fri 11-Jan-19 08:57:30

MawBroon MisAdventure Anniebach I haven’t had the emotion and distress of a husbandry or child dying, my ex is dead but that was long after we divorced but I can relate to all the things you have said I believe no one who knows me would ever think of me as lonely, scared, or scarred but the reality in my own head is this long walk of loneliness the loneliness of being with friends doing things, being busy, being helpful but ultimately being alone and seeing a long stretch of greyness ahead Everyday I wake up and look for sunshine, a meaning, a purpose, I guess many of us are on this path for many different reasons
My love and good wishes to you all x

MissAdventure Fri 11-Jan-19 09:01:20

Yes, Maw. My daughter died around the same time as Paw and Annie's daughter.

Luckygirl Fri 11-Jan-19 09:01:29

To all of you - flowers

I understand the going out alone, finding a friend to go with, watching couples enjoying life together, even though I am not widowed. My OH is ill, as many of you know; but this has been how it has been for decades, because of his anxiety. I have got used to doing things alone. But I go home and he is there - ill and demanding, but there.

Such a hard road for you all and I am thinking of you.

annsixty Fri 11-Jan-19 09:09:19

We are not in the same situation as the other posters and I feel so much for them, but, we are in a grieving situation, grieving for the life we had and missing the person we loved, not the one we are living with now.
I am married to a stranger.
I remember more than one occasion when out shopping, not wanting to go home but to get miles away for a few days.

Teetime Fri 11-Jan-19 09:11:24

Mawbroom I am so sorry that you are feeling this way it must be horrible for you. My own experience is with three very close friends who were all widowed in the last few years. The first in her third year now (aged 71) is not in a wonderful place but she has always been rather sad and plays a lot of sad records all the time. I dont think this is terribly good for her but she says it helps her go back over her memories. The second friend (aged 68)went back to work and that seems to have got her back in the world as it were, she is going out seeing friends and trying to make new friends. She moved into a retirement complex so that she had company. The third friend (age 61) whose husnabd died a year ago hasn't really come out of the house much yet but has booked a trip to Austraklia with her daughter to see relatives there so I am really hoping this is going to give her the boost she needs.
Lastly my lovely daughter (aged 49) was widowed in December last year is throwing herself into doing up the house they had just moved into as she promised her husband she would get on with this.
I suppose the point of all this is saying how different it must be for everyone. All I can really say is this forum can be a good place for chats and sort of company but I think it can be very annoying, frustrating and at times very upsetting. Several of us I think have pm'd you with genuine offers and would be very glad to help. We had a meet up in MH last year and if you would find another meet up a good thing we can do that. I'm not sure what else to say except that I hope each day gets a little better as spring comes and the light evenings are here. flowers

Teetime Fri 11-Jan-19 09:12:06

Sorry about the typos - rushing!!

Anniebach Fri 11-Jan-19 09:14:28

annsixty Luckgirl, you are grieving too, for what you once had,

Hugs x

dragonfly46 Fri 11-Jan-19 09:16:19

I want to say something but cannot find the words. I cannot imagine how you all feel.

I know it is different and doesn't compare but since I got my diagnosis my life has changed and will never be the same again. My peace of mind has gone and I live with fear at the back of my mind every day.

I do hope you find a way to cope and be happy - meanwhile sending you [hugs] and flowers

Alygran Fri 11-Jan-19 09:19:03

Another one here. Still in my dressing gown and with no sense of purpose for today. ‘Is this it?’ DH should be on the golf course, I should be food shopping. We should be looking forward to a busy weekend. But there isn’t any more ‘we’ except in memories. Need to find my brave face again. Take care everyone. Thinking of us all flowers

franjess2000 Fri 11-Jan-19 09:56:01

Please please don't struggle on alone without support. Talk to these guys

Aepgirl Fri 11-Jan-19 10:23:00

The 1st Christmas after my husband of 37 years walked out, I just got on with it, hoping (stupidly) that he would return, yes, was very sad but I had hope. Then I just fell apart the 2nd Christmas, accepting my lot. However now a few years on I am getting on with life, still saddened at past events, but accepting of the situation. It takes time, but keep positive, and show a cheerful face to your friends, and you will get through it.

humptydumpty Fri 11-Jan-19 10:25:52

dragonfly46 good luck with your next appt (mid-January?) - I do hope it will help put your mind at rest.

Heartfelt condolences and best wishes to all going through bereavement flowers

MawBroon Fri 11-Jan-19 10:26:57

Of course MissA forgive me for not rembering your daughter and your sad loss flowers

Anniebach Fri 11-Jan-19 10:40:57

Grief is the price we pay for love ,