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Bereavement

Son's death

(47 Posts)
Beeny Sat 21-Sep-19 23:42:51

I'm new here, having only become a gran a couple of months ago. I'm hoping for a little collective wisdom. My 22 year old son, my granddaughter's father, was killed in a horrific car accident two weeks ago. The funeral is on Tuesday. His girlfriend, of only 18 months, is refusing to give back his watch, which was passed down to him from my father. I would like to give the watch to his twin brother, which is what my father would have wanted. The girlfriend says she wants it for her daughter, but is wearing it every day. I don't know what to do.

paddyann Sat 21-Sep-19 23:50:56

shouldn't you be concentrating on getting this young woman through the same awful time that you are going through instead of trying to prise a watch from her? Is that really the most important thing in your life right now? No matter how long she was his girlfriend she is the mother of his child and I would assume you want to have a relationship with that child.
Perhaps you should back off for now and let her grieve before taking something that he owned from her ,when she is in a better place emotionally might be the time to ask her again.

MissAdventure Sat 21-Sep-19 23:57:30

I'm so sorry to hear about your son, and that you're worried about the watch.

I think sometimes our minds focus on something that's less horrific than the reality of losing our child - is it possible that is what is happening regarding the watch?

Its such early days, you must be in a turmoil, as will his partner be, too.

I would let it go, for now, at least. I'm sure your other son wouldn't want you to be more upset than you already are.

flowers

mumofmadboys Sun 22-Sep-19 00:04:52

I am so sorry you have lost your son. Don't worry about the watch for now. Concentrate on the funeral and keeping the relationship with your son's partner going. It must be very hard for you all x

Smileless2012 Sun 22-Sep-19 00:14:49

My sincerest condolences for you loss Beenyflowers.

He may have only been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 18 months but if, and I'm assuming he is, the father of the child it's understandable that she wants their daughter to inherit his watch.

The fact that she's wearing it at the moment is probably to retain an intimate connection with the man she loves and has lost and is also the father of her child.

I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must be going through but please, don't concern yourself with what your father may or may not have wanted.

If you must think of it at all, think about what your son would have wanted and it may well be that he'd have wanted his daughter to have her father's watch.

Again, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

crazyH Sun 22-Sep-19 00:20:35

So sorry Beeny .....only you know what you are going through, and this 'watch' is just a distraction technique. You are concentrating on something, which in the grand scheme of things is really petty. By doing this, you don't have to think of the devastating loss of your son, just two weeks ago.
Poor you ......you have so much to do and think about. There's the funeral to deal with. How on earth you are coping, I don't know. flowers

Sussexborn Sun 22-Sep-19 00:26:01

Sorry to hear about the death of your son. What a terrible thing to happen. As someone already said it’s likely that you are focusing on the watch to avoid facing reality. Staying in touch with your granddaughter is more important than a watch so focus on getting through each day and perhaps you and your son’s partner will find comfort in each other and this little child who will need you both.

twiglet77 Sun 22-Sep-19 01:03:25

I am so very sorry to hear your awful news. Nothing can prepare anyone for such a horrific tragedy and nothing but time can possibly take the edge of your pain.

Your baby granddaughter will have no memory of her father. Please, do all you can to be a part of her life as she grows into a toddler, a schoolgirl, teenager, and adult. Her mother couldn't have imagined this was going to happen and she too will be in turmoil. Keeping a warm and open relationship with her will be vital to maintain contact with the baby - falling out over a material possession, however significant its sentimental value, will be such a shame. There will be time for conversations and explanations about the watch, and indeed any other of your son's possessions, there will be tears together and alone. You don't say whether your granddaughter's mother has parents or siblings of her own to help her through this - do you know them? She may need comfort from you and your family more than you imagine.

Anger, absolute helpless rage, is completely understandable, time will make it less overwhelming although that's hard to believe now. Perhaps you will come to an agreement with your grandchild's mother about the watch, but if it does not come back to you to pass to your other twin, is it really so terrible if it passes to the next generation - to your granddaughter? Perhaps your father would have been able to welcome his great-granddaughter inheriting it?

I wish you strength and peace over the next weeks and months as you all learn to navigate a future without your son, but very much WITH his daughter.

stella1949 Sun 22-Sep-19 02:52:41

I'm so sorry for your loss, Beeny. My advice would be to let it go - the watch is just a "thing" and not important in the scheme of things. |What is important is that you have a little grandchild who you will want to have a great relationship with. Having a fight with her mother over a watch, wouldn't be a good way to start this relationship.

If you want to be close to your granddaughter, you'll need to maintain a good relationship with her mother, so tread carefully and remember that this girl has lost her partner and the father of her baby. She'll be going through a bad time too, so reach out and make sure she knows that she has a friend in you.

Namsnanny Sun 22-Sep-19 03:31:35

My condolences Beeny to you and your family. What an awful shock for you all.
If the watch does go to his daughter I think that's what he probably would have wanted, don't you?
His girlfriend must be just as traumatised as you and going through who knows what emotional turmoil.
As Smileless said no doubt it is giving her some comfort to wear it at this time.

Thinking of you all on Tuesday flowers

BlueBelle Sun 22-Sep-19 04:48:52

I can’t add anything more than the wise words that have already been said
Let the watch go it may be a comfort to his girlfriend to feel it on her wrist
This has been such a shock for you your heart has been ripped out I can’t imagine the pain you are going through please please look after yourself stay on good terms with the girlfriend she is suffering too it’s not a time to quarrel over something so small
Sending you a hug

Willow500 Sun 22-Sep-19 06:27:04

I also can't add any more to the good advice already given but wanted to pass on my condolences on the tragic loss you, your family (especially your son's twin) and his girlfriend have suffered. Concentrate on keeping strong for everyone each day - the watch issue will be sorted out later. flowers

Baggs Sun 22-Sep-19 06:39:28

I cannot imagine the pain of losing one of one's offspring at such a young age, Beeny. Please accept my sincere condolences.

Since my mother died in April this year I have been wearing a simple silver chain necklace of hers almost every day. I suppose it feels like a connection. I think perhaps your grandchild's mother may want to feel this slight ethereal connection via the watch. It's little enough for her after losing her partner and her baby's father in such a tragic way

mosaicwarts Sun 22-Sep-19 08:55:57

I am so sorry to read your tragic news Beeny, my greatest sympathies to you and your family.

M0nica Sun 22-Sep-19 09:06:00

Beeny, my deepest sympathies to you. In saw how devastated my parents were when my sister died. There is no worse loss than loosing a child.

As others say, particularly in the early days after a death like this, it is so easy to get fixated, by something major or minor - and that applies to your son's partner as well as you. For both of you at the moment the watch that is a family heirloom to you, and as a deep remembrance of her partner to this young woman. let it lie.

It may well be that in the future, may be a year hence, you can raise the question of the watch and discuss it calmly, but for the time being, you and your son's partner, need to be joined in grief.

For both of you your son was the most important person in your lives and there is a small child, his daughter, your grand daughter, who has lost a Daddy but needs to have a connection with her Daddy's family. Do everything to keep this relationship good.

At the end of the day, what is more important to you, your grand daughter or the watch?

sodapop Sun 22-Sep-19 09:07:01

So sorry about your son's death Beeny that is so hard to bear, you have my sympathy.
I can't add any more, don't worry about the watch, you and your family need to support each other now. thanks

Luckygirl Sun 22-Sep-19 09:08:32

I too am very sorry indeed to hear about this terrible tragedy that has befallen your family.

I know that at these times what seem like small things loom large in one's mind. I am thinking that for your son's gf this may be her first experience of death and bereavement and she is clinging onto small things that might bring her some comfort, the watch being one of them.

Please treat her gently over this - you are older, wiser and more experienced of life and, even though things are so awful for you, you may have to let this treasured item go for the sake of helping this young woman pick herself up and bring up your dear GC in the way your son would have wished.

flowers

grapefruitpip Sun 22-Sep-19 09:12:46

So very sorry about this. You will still be in shock. Try not to focus on the watch and take any support that is available.

gillybob Sun 22-Sep-19 09:13:49

I can’t add real words of wisdom Beeny except to say how very sorry I am for the loss of your beloved son . I do agree with what everyone else has said that “the watch” is just a thing and totally irrelevant in the grand scheme of things . I think you need to concentrate on staying close to your DGD’s mum and pass all of your love onto your new granddaughter who is without her daddy . In time you might see that the watch should maybe stay with your sons only child. flowers

Harris27 Sun 22-Sep-19 09:13:55

Can’t imagine what your going through. Please just concentrate on getting through this awful time the watch is irrelevant in this bigger picture. Sort that out later concentrate on your dear go and his partner don’t let this come between you.

Alexa Sun 22-Sep-19 09:56:54

Beeny I am very sorry for your loss. I wish you strength at this sad time.

hulahoop Sun 22-Sep-19 10:02:24

I can't add anything but just wanted to send my condolences best wishes for Tuesday 💐

EllanVannin Sun 22-Sep-19 10:05:42

I just can't understand why the focus is on the watch ? A member of the family has died here, why worry over a bloomin' watch ? I don't get it at all sorry. I'd be beside myself with grief.

MissAdventure Sun 22-Sep-19 10:21:26

I think that's precisely why the focus is on the watch; because the pain of losing a child is just too big to take, more than is humanly possible for a long, long while.

emmasnan Sun 22-Sep-19 10:24:42

I don't feel I can offer advice but just wanted to send my condolences. Such a sad and difficult time for both you and your son's partner.