Gransnet forums

Bereavement

Grieving a child

(98 Posts)
Grandmax5 Thu 23-Jan-20 11:46:18

I’m finding that grieving my adult son is getting harder, the more time passes, the more i miss him, things I want to tell him, share with him. I miss hugging him so much. Hearing his voice and his laughter. It’s been almost two years since I found him dead in his home, an undiagnosed heart problem. He was only 41. Even after all this time, I just can’t get my head round it. And why the problem wasn’t detected.
Is anyone else dealing with the loss of a child?

janeainsworth Thu 23-Jan-20 11:55:38

I’m not, Grandma, but I couldn’t just leave your post. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved son, what a dreadful shock for you, and what a burden of pain you have to bear.
I’m afraid grief never goes away, we just learn to live with it.
I hope things get a little easier for you with time. Do you have any other family members or friends you can talk to and share memories with?
Thinking of youthanks

Grandmax5 Thu 23-Jan-20 12:13:34

Thank you for your reply Jane, I have a big family, five children and five grandchildren. I am attending cruse bereavement for counselling which is helpful. I will miss him forever and just want him back. I have lost many loved ones but this has just broken me. I function but he is never out of my mind. I guess I must learn to live without him but it is jut so hard. 💔

Auntieflo Thu 23-Jan-20 12:44:48

I have never had to suffer such a loss Grandmax5, but did lose a godchild aged 17.
You will never forget him, and the shock of finding him.
Just go on loving him and in time I hope you gradually find some peace .

silverlining48 Thu 23-Jan-20 12:55:35

grandmamax this has not happened to me though my dd has been seriously ill over the last couple of years so i do understand just a little of how you might feel. Two years is no time at all, try not to feel you ‘ ought’ to feel better now. Finding him must have been absolutely shocking.
There was a radio programme recently about the condition which shows no symptoms, no one could have known.
There are a number of grans who are having to deal with the loss of their children, of all ages, and I am sure someone will respond.
I can only agree with Jane and say a day at a time, a step at a time. Don’t worry about getting over it, you may never do so but in time maybe you will find your peace. I hope so.
Keep talking to your family and the counsellor, i send my love.

GrandmaMoira Thu 23-Jan-20 13:02:40

I am very sorry for your loss. Being the one to find your son must make it even worse. You have my sympathies.

lavenderzen Thu 23-Jan-20 13:04:33

I have never had to deal with the loss of a son or daughter but couldn't go past without saying how sorry I am to read of the loss of your beloved son. Sending you love and flowers.

KatyK Thu 23-Jan-20 13:11:25

I'm so sorry. I've never had to deal with this. There are people on here who have unfortunately. We lost a much loved nephew aged 16 which was horrendous so I can't imagine it being our child.

52bright Thu 23-Jan-20 13:12:11

I am so sorry for your loss Grandmax5. Losing a son or daughter of any age is terrible. My mother lost her son, my brother last year and the loss has been devastating. Loss is always hard but when a parent loses a child everything seems, as my mother puts it 'the wrong way round'. Nothing can comfort you but know that you have the support of many on here and can talk about how you feel on here in a safe place. flowers

Daddima Thu 23-Jan-20 13:21:56

It’s always said that no parent should ever outlive their child, and I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. Hopefully your happy memories will bring you comfort in time.

Anniebach Thu 23-Jan-20 13:24:52

I am so sorry. My beloved daughter died just over 2 years ago,

I don’t know if the grief and the longing for her will ease , i wish I could say something positive.

My husband died in a car crash 43 years, i thought then - nothing can cause more pain than this, i was wrong.

I loved her and she loved me, nothing can take this away .

GrannyLaine Thu 23-Jan-20 13:26:25

Grandmax5 my heart goes out to you in your grief. I have a dear friend who lost her son in early childhood and has recently lost a very young grandchild in infancy. Her grief is raw and complicated and lives are changed forever. This made perfect sense to me:

GrannyLaine Thu 23-Jan-20 13:28:49

And for you too Anniebach flowers

merlotgran Thu 23-Jan-20 13:39:34

Losing a child is a devastating tragedy. Our daughter died last May and I'm only just emerging from the feeling of being unhinged by it.

I can now go to the supermarket without keeping my head down and dreading bumping into someone I know. I still do my crying in the car and sometimes have to pull myself together in the car park before going in but I can now 'think straight.'

Grandmax5. Missing the hugs and the laughter are the most painful parts of grief. I have no idea how long it takes before the pain eases but I hope just knowing others are also learning to deal with it helps you.

So sorry about your son and the awful shock his death must have been for you.

Anniebach Thu 23-Jan-20 13:57:50

Thank you GrannyLaine , yes it does make perfect sense

Kupari45 Thu 23-Jan-20 14:26:59

Unfortunately Grandmax I think there are probably a few of us on G.N. who understand exactly how you are feeling.
In my case it is nearly four years since my lovely girl died from Cancer aged 41. I just have a gaping big hole in my life and nothing I do can help with the pain.
When my husband died 15 years ago, I was heartbroken, but since my daughter died I now know that the pain of losing your child is the worse thing that will ever happen to anyone. I miss her laughter, her hugs, and her unexpected phone calls to say Hello Mum.
My heart goes out to you.

Opal Thu 23-Jan-20 14:38:44

So sorry for your loss, flowers to all the grieving mums.

Grandmax5 Thu 23-Jan-20 15:35:37

@GrannyLaine
Thank you, that is such a beautiful verse x

Grandmax5 Thu 23-Jan-20 15:43:43

Thank you all so much for your replies. Saddened to hear a few of us have the experience of losing a child.

The disbelief is still there. Such a massive loss, I try to think of happy days and not of the day I found him. I am different now, forever changed. But feel blessed to have had him in my life and to have his love with me always x

3nanny6 Thu 23-Jan-20 15:50:41

So sorry to hear of your loss Grandmax5 hope things get easier for you.
You said it's been almost two years now and you still can't get your head around it.
You are still grieving and do not put a time limit on your grief
as there just isn't one. There will be days when you can smile at memories you have of him and remember the good times. Hang on in there be kind to yourself.
I lost a nephew several years ago he was my brothers son I know how hard it hit my brother in fact very sadly my brother went on to live for fours years after my nephew then he too passed away, I still miss both of them everyday.

Dee1012 Thu 23-Jan-20 15:50:49

Grandmax5, I really wish I had the words but I don't....al I can do is say that my thoughts are with you.
I once read about the inadequacy of language in the face of that loss because are no words to describe the pain of burying a child, and specifically, there is no word to label that awful, status. If you lose a spouse, you are a widow; if you lose a parent, you are an orphan. How do you name something you cannot comprehend?flowers

MissAdventure Thu 23-Jan-20 16:09:31

I'm still grieving the loss of my daughter, aged 35, from cancer, 2 years ago.

When people say they can't imagine how it feels, they really can't; I couldn't have imagined such pain myself, before.

It's all encompassing, heavy, dull, and there is rarely any respite from that absolute yearning for them.

I hope it helps to know others are facing such sorrow, too.

My not too tactful friend has told me I've lost my personality.

M0nica Thu 23-Jan-20 16:20:05

My mother tried hard, but the loss of her child never left her until she died. My father managed better, but that loss was always there.

You get used to it rather than recovering.

MissAdventure Thu 23-Jan-20 16:23:33

I think all I've done is stopped talking about it so much, because I realise it's not healthy to dwell, but I feel it as much as the day she died, albeit in a different way.

merlotgran Thu 23-Jan-20 16:31:11

I'm still at the stage where I can't talk about it and even if I could there's nobody to talk to that I wouldn't upset by talking about it.

Christmas was hard because we stayed with DD2 and her family. We had made a pact not to talk about her sister because we're all grieving in our own way.

I hope our two grandsons (DD's sons) are coping and have people to talk to. They've moved away now and I know the younger one misses us. He would always open up to me about everything. sad