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Bereavement

Golden Wedding

(76 Posts)
Luckygirl Thu 13-Aug-20 15:27:25

Next Wednesday it would have been our Golden Wedding anniversary. But he died in February.

I had been doing OK, ticking along from day to day; but just thinking about this milestone next week is completely undoing me. We have always had jolly celebrations on our landmark anniversaries: a ceilidh for silver, and for the ruby a wonderful day at a local manor house, where friends and family all went for a lovely walk, then a meal in the barn with a classical guitarist entertaining while we ate. Lovely happy events to look back on.

I just have no idea what I will do with myself next Wednesday - I just feel like crawling into a hole and giving up. Just writing this has me in tears.

What did others do on these post-bereavement landmark days? Anyone got any suggestions that might help?

AGAA4 Thu 13-Aug-20 15:44:40

I am so sorry Luckygirl. Grief is awful and these special days are hard to get through.

I have been widowed for a long time now but in the beginning I would try to do something on an anniversary to mark the day. I would always buy a big bunch of flowers for him or if I felt up to it would meet someone for lunch or just a chat.

Just be kind to yourself and do just what you feel you want to on that day flowers

MawB Thu 13-Aug-20 16:10:42

Commiserations Luckygirl
It was “ours” on 25 July and I really did not want to be on my own so I told the girls and we arranged an al fresco family lunch, including my sisters in law who had been my bridesmaids.
It was fine - SIL took charge of the barbecue and apart from a massive thunderstorm and the heavens opening ( like our wedding day when it poured) , all went well.
Being busy prepping salads and puds kept my mind occupied on the day and I managed my own quiet time and my own tears at Paws grave with some golden yellow roses the day before.
Despite my fears, it was a celebration of a marriage.
Do tell your girls you don’t want to be alone, go out to lunch, remember the good times and give thanks for them.

Luckygirl Fri 14-Aug-20 10:33:21

This grieving lark is so hard; and the golden wedding has set me back a bit. I dreamt last night that I was on a journey and OH appeared - it was very disturbing and I woke up weeping and sobbing. In my dream I kept telling him he was dead, but he would not believe me.

Weird stuff - weird brain!

Scribbles Fri 14-Aug-20 12:03:41

Can only send you (((hugs))), Luckygirl. I know how it feels as I had my first wedding anniversary without OH in July. I went to stay with a friend, also a widow, so as not to be alone.
Since then, I've started dreaming about OH for the first time since his death and, in the dreams, he seems so lost and sad. You're right - grieving is damned hard.
flowers

morethan2 Sat 15-Aug-20 07:53:53

I can’t find any words of comfort, or give any advice but I’ve shed a tear at your post. I shall think of you on Wednesday.

polnan Sat 15-Aug-20 09:32:29

my husband died last November, our Golden Wedding Anniversary was January 31st.. I was ok. think grieving started to get "worse" after that

but then dh and I never made a great deal out of birthdays/anniversarys... hope that continues for me... every day is a challenge

this lockdown has made me much worse, not helped at all.

I am elderly, so have little to live for, well I have the responsibility of my cat, wonder what I would have done without her...

no one can possibly warn us what grieving is like Luckygirl,
it comes and goes, some days, liveable, then whoosh, no real reason, just a huge physical thump... and down I go for the day...

I wish we "grieving" people could have somewhere to share, as I find, family and friends just can`t cope.

Gingergirl Sat 15-Aug-20 09:35:31

Of course you are grieving every single day so there are no expectations for you to be jolly on Wednesday. I would do just what you feel you need to and if that involves crawling into a whole and being on your own, so be it. It will be dreadful but the next day you will get up and put one foot in front of the other...and continue....because we have no choice. I personally, wouldn’t try to think of something that will turn the day into something wonderful because nothing will. If there is somewhere you would prefer to be, or someone you’d like to be with, perhaps arrange that, otherwise, hang on in there. Life will gradually, slowly, feel a little less difficult and significant dates, just a tiny bit more palatable. 💜

rizlett Sat 15-Aug-20 09:38:43

www.thegoodgrieftrust.org

Justwidowed Sat 15-Aug-20 09:41:25

Dear Luckygirl,I feel so sad for you and send you hugs and flowers. It is very difficult when special days and anniversaries come.My first birthday on my own was hard but I put the last birthday card he sent me on display with the others and it helped.His first anniversaryis in October followed by what would have been his 80th birthday the day after.I think I'm coping with grief better than he would have done which in some ways is a relief but it is still very hard .
You wiĺ be in my thoughts on Wednesday

lemongrove Sat 15-Aug-20 09:42:39

I should think that having come so near to a Golden Anniversary when you are bereaved makes it so much harder to bear. Am not in this situation so can’t add much to the thread, but commiserations to all here who have gone through this recently.flowers

TrendyNannie6 Sat 15-Aug-20 09:43:55

Haven’t been through it myself lucky girl. But just couldn’t go by your post. Wanting to send you a big hug, and 💐 will be thinking of you on Wednesday, take care

GrammarGrandma Sat 15-Aug-20 09:45:42

Luckygirl, I am so sorry for your loss and your grief. But I just wanted to say it's quite usual to dream of the lost person and for them not to know or accept that they are dead. We don't need Herr Freud to explain why! I hope Wednesday passes without too much sorrow for you.

mumofmadboys Sat 15-Aug-20 09:46:17

I am very sorry that your DH and you didn't celebrate your Golden anniversary together. However it would have been very hard to celebrate if he was in a very frail state in a nursing home. Hope you can have happy memories on Wednesday and feel thankful for all the good times. You were fortunate to be happily married and that is worth such a lot.

Harris27 Sat 15-Aug-20 09:48:36

Sending you a big hug💕

granbabies123 Sat 15-Aug-20 09:57:32

Will think of you on Wednesday. Please take care of yourself .

Luckygirl Sat 15-Aug-20 10:02:19

Thank you all for your kind words - I am hoping that Wednesday will be better in fact than it is in prospect. It has been a trigger for the outpouring of feelings that I thought I was getting on top of - but that in itself is a lesson for me I guess.

Nanevon Sat 15-Aug-20 10:10:13

Lucky girl - I feel your pain. Lost my DH in January and I managed to get through my birthday, DH’s birthday and our 52nd wedding anniversary all through the lockdown. We couldn’t celebrate our golden anniversary two years ago as DH was in hospital again. You will get through it but just realise it’s ok not to be ok. If there are days when you don’t feel like doing anything just go with the flow. Grieving is such a personal thing and one size does not fit all. On my bad days I feel as if I am just marking time until it’s my time to go. On other days I can be very active. Luckily most weeks the better days outweigh the bad days. I can’t believe that it’s over six months since I became a widow. Do take care of yourself and big virtual hugs from me to you xx

Juicylucy Sat 15-Aug-20 10:10:53

Sending best wishes. I would talk to your family and arrange to do something that you enjoy but make them aware that if you wake up that day and just want to sit in your pjs then that’s what you will do. Talk about your dh on your special day it will help you feel closer to him and go to his grave or place of memorial.

red1 Sat 15-Aug-20 10:12:21

Its a cliche. but it takes time....... you were together such a long time.There is a wealth of information around grief,well worth looking into.Ive found writing my thoughts/feelings down, reading /writing poetry all eased the pain.There are so many ways to ease your grief,I hope things ease for you.

Anrol Sat 15-Aug-20 10:28:52

I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending heartfelt hugs to you. My suggestions are to plan a “memory” meal; buy your favourite meal, set the table beautifully, flowers, napkins, best china, the lot, put some music on. Dress in your best clothes, get your hair done. Sit and eat your meal and drink a glass (or two) of something, toasting your wonderful life and say all the words you would have said had your beloved been there. It will be your special memory to hug and hold for yourself. Good luck going forward, you sound like you were a very lucky lady in love.

Tangle Sat 15-Aug-20 10:30:11

My husband died three years ago in the same month as our anniversary. The following year, first anniversary without him and what would have been our 45th, Sapphire Anniversary, our children clubbed together and bought me a sapphire pendant and earrings. It was thoughtful of them to give me a lovely surprise on behalf of their dad. His anniversary is next week and I will treat myself and think of good times.

Taliya Sat 15-Aug-20 10:31:58

It's tough and painful, there are no other words to describe grief and grieving especially in the first year. If young are upset that day then be upset and have a good cry. The thing with grief is you never really know how you will be feeling from one moment to the next, especially in the first year. If you feel ok that day then invite some friends and family around or do something that you and your late husband enjoyed doing and celebrate the happy years you had spent together or donate to a charity that day so something positive to remember your late husband. Grieving and grief is really awful to go through.

bobbydog24 Sat 15-Aug-20 10:33:19

It will be 1 year exactly next Friday when my husband passed away. We had been married 1 week short of 51 years. I was lucky, we were able to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary together. I will be spending the day with my sister and daughter, they didn’t want me to be on my own. We will reminisce and laugh about the good times, it will be a sad but memorable day. The last of the firsts. Do what you feel will make the day better for you. I will be thinking of you on Wednesday and hoping you get through it ok.

Notinthemanual Sat 15-Aug-20 10:50:34

Sending hugs too. I'm glad to hear you have family and friends who might be able to help make the day easier; either with company or just kind calls and messages.