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Bereavement

Suddenly aware of my mortality.

(23 Posts)
Kareware Mon 18-Jan-21 16:47:05

Hello everyone this is my first post.I hope you are all well.
I suffer from agoraphobia, acute anxiety and depression. I have recently June 2020 become a nana, i wasn't expecting it really as my son lives at home at the age of 34 not in a relationship, my daughter is happily married to her wife of 3 years and i adore them all.
I have suffered from my problems for 6 years now and as much as I am thrilled to have a granddaughter whom I adore beyond belief , it has made me acutely aware that I won't always be around.
My anxiety has heightened to a new level now, and as well as being in lockdown for the past 10 months and trying to establish a support bubble as I'm going to care for grandaughter once mum returns to work next month.
I'm really struggling but unsure why or what I'm struggling with, and not sure how to deal with things right now.
Just to add we have been battling with husbands brother after 2 years of funding solicitors to get hubby's inheritance, (brother is executor and doesn't want to give hubby his share) we have spent thousands. This has only added to my anxiety. I am unsure what i need to do to help myself as i don't have friends and due to past problems have a very small family(6), hubbys family have disowned him.

crazyH Mon 18-Jan-21 16:59:15

You’re not the only one Kareware. I am having the most morbid thoughts. I have 6 grandkids, 2 teenagers and 4 toddlers. I am the youngest of nine and all my siblings have gone. So I know I am the next. My thoughts are turning to when and how.........very, very morbid. It keeps me awake at night. My Will is in order but I need to make a codicil regarding the jewellery (I don’t have a lot but need to allocate ). I think it’s COVID etc that has brought all this on. I watch TV, but reading books is out of the question, because I can’t concentrate.
The business with your father-in-law’s will should be a lesson for us all. I hope things get sorted soon. Good luck !

cornishpatsy Mon 18-Jan-21 17:00:15

It is quite usual to have those feelings when there is a new baby, you start to think of how they will be as adults and their children and you realise that you will not be there to see it. This feeling will pass.

You seem to have a lot on your plate and with nobody to speak to it will go around in your mind making everything more serious.

Coming on here to chat about your problems and getting advice and support from others will help. As will just coming on here to chat about nonsense and day to day living. Use this forum as a distraction sometimes, even just half an hour from your own problems can change your mindset.

AGAA4 Mon 18-Jan-21 17:07:23

Kareware. Looking after your new grandchild will make you feel better. I looked after mine and if I was having a bad day they could always make me smile and they keep you very busy so you don't have as much time for worries.

lemongrove Mon 18-Jan-21 17:07:49

What the other posters have said.
We are the older generation now ( how did that happen?!) and we want to be around as long as possible, often for younger family members who may be vulnerable, and then we realise our time is now finite.
All we can do is to put our affairs in order and then get on with enjoying whatever life has to offer and enjoy being with our relatives and friends. Very hard at the moment of course with Covid, but it won’t always be this way.

Redhead56 Mon 18-Jan-21 17:18:58

I helped looked after my twin granddaughters for over two years. It was long hours and very tiring but a delight and pleasure as well.
It really will help with your anxiety and it will boost your confidence which in turn will benefit you. The biggest reward you will have will be a wonderful bond with your grandchild.

moggie57 Mon 18-Jan-21 17:22:02

with all my illnesses ,i wonder if i be here in 10 years time. i want to see my granchildren grow up. but who knows . we are all still here .take one day at a time and make the most of it .as it was said in some film i saw MAKE EVERY DAY COUNT.

Marydoll Mon 18-Jan-21 17:31:51

Of course as we get older we suddenly are aware that we won't be here for ever. Three people I know have died this week, which has floored me.

My husband and I put all our affairs in order after I had a heart scare, as I realised that things can change so quickly.
I'm a terrible procrastinator, but was so glad I had done it.

Two weeks ago, I had a heart attack in the middle of the night, when DH was sleeping. (It's a lonely place to be!)
I actually thought the end had come and I would never see those I loved ever again. Strangely I was very calm and not at all afraid.

However, I have lived to fight another day and what I'm saying is CARPE DIEM. You don't know what is around the corner.

When I was in hospital I was able to tell staff that I had everything in place legally for them to speak to my husband if I was too unwell and for him to make decisions about my care. That was a good decision we made.

Calendargirl Mon 18-Jan-21 17:46:53

Oh yes Marydoll how true. We should all ‘seize the day’, but I know I often waste time fretting about stuff that really doesn’t matter.

‘A contented mind is a blessing kind’.

sodapop Mon 18-Jan-21 17:52:47

Congratulations on your new granddaughter Kareware I'm sorry to hear of the problems you are facing healthwise and with your brother in law. At the moment all our worries and anxieties seem magnified. Given all your health issues are you sure that caring for a baby is the best thing to do, perhaps getting some help for your own problems should be a priority.

Kareware Mon 18-Jan-21 18:32:07

Thank you to all of you for your comments and support...I must admit I have shed tears multiple times today , but I have taken on board all of your comments and will try to be more positive in the future .😊

petra Mon 18-Jan-21 18:49:31

Kareware
You never know, this opportunity might be the best thing for your mental health. You will be so busy and consumed by your grandaughter that you won't have time to think about your problems.

Kareware Mon 18-Jan-21 18:55:26

Sodapop, thank you so much for message, and thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply... I have however been medicated for my problems with mental health... my tear ducts seem to be overflowing today, as for the brother in law it’s taken our savings ( which would have been for granddaughter, family and our own holiday time), hubby lost his job at the beginning of lockdown.
Husbands children from previous marriage have disowned him due to BIL and his narcissistic ways, he has given our solicitors a run for our money and feels he is above the law, stating hubby didn’t help clear the parents home so hubby doesn’t deserve his inheritance...it’s such a long and complicated story we could write a novel.

Kareware Mon 18-Jan-21 18:59:36

Thank you

Dinahmo Mon 18-Jan-21 19:00:35

I'm surprised that the mental health of more elderly people isn't suffering, especially after Lord Sumption's comments on the Big Question yesterday and repeated elsewhere today. In case you didn't see it he said that the lives of his children and grand children have more value than his.

sodapop Mon 18-Jan-21 19:14:00

I have to disagree Petra child care is not therapy for the carer. The needs of the child take priority not those of the carer.

Marydoll Mon 18-Jan-21 19:27:29

I too have reservations, Sodapop.
Kareware, you say you suffer from agoraphobia, are you planning to stay indoors all the time with the baby?
What about going out walking with the pram, toddler's groups, going to doctor's if necessary. How will you manage that? Will that cause more anxiety?

I think you need to give this proposition a bit more thought.
You have to look after your own health, before you take on the responsibility of looking after a baby.

I'm not meaning to be unkind, but having a bad day and baby making us feel better, does not compare with feeling anxious all the time.

AGAA4 Mon 18-Jan-21 19:46:42

I was in a bad way when I took on the care of my GS. I was still grieving for my husband and that little boy helped me enormously. It may not be right for everyone but shouldn't be dismissed.

nadateturbe Mon 18-Jan-21 20:04:34

Marydoll thank you for sharing with us, and for your advice to seize the day. This moment is all we are sure of.
Its good to have everything in order. It gives some peace of mind.
I hope you're feeling a bit better.

Marydoll Mon 18-Jan-21 20:18:56

Nadertube, I was intending to be overdramatic. I just wanted to say that we always think we have time to do things, but often we are caught out.

Last night I watched Scenic Railways Of The World, (or something like that) which documented a trip around Sicily. That was on my bucket list, always being put off until next year! Too late for me now.

nadateturbe Mon 18-Jan-21 21:06:10

What a shame Marydoll that you won't get to Sicily. It's often said that it's the things we didn't do that we'll regret, rather than things we did.
My husband always wanted to do a river cruise through Germany but he ignored the brochures every year....
We just try to remember how lucky we are that we been to so many places we wanted to see.

nadateturbe Mon 18-Jan-21 21:15:32

All we can do is to put our affairs in order and then get on with enjoying whatever life has to offer and enjoy being with our relatives and friends.

Lemsip is right. This is the best thing we can do, and try not to think beyond that too much.

Luckygirl Mon 18-Jan-21 22:38:44

I always just think it is their turn now and feel happy that they have all their life ahead of them to find things to enjoy and to make a difference to the world in their own ways. And then get on and try and enjoy what I have left and in the ways that I am able.

I have thought a lot about death since my OH died in February and sometimes think of how much he is missing (and missed during the years he was so ill) and it makes me all the more determined to enjoy what life I have left, as best I may.