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Bereavement

Dealing with anger

(49 Posts)
Luckygirl3 Sun 23-Jan-22 11:32:03

I joined an online group for those who have been bereaved. I find it impossible to believe that they all had perfect partners who were paragons of virtue. But so it would seem from the posts.

Am I the only widow whose partner was not perfect; who did things that I find hard to forgive? I know that latterly some of his unacceptable behaviour was illness-induced and those things I can forgive - he did not really know what he was doing. These things were hard to bear.

But even before then, although we were solid as a couple, there were behaviours that caused me distress. And when I look back I realise I could have handled some of these things better - hindsight is a great thing - but too late now to set these right. Am I the only person who finds it hard not to dwell on these things?

Grany Sun 23-Jan-22 11:43:49

I think we tend to see things from our perspective judge and not see the other person underneath. My husband died Nov 5th 2021 age 68 He was starting to get mellow in later years Ours marriage was not perfect but wouldn't have chosen anyone else, yes you do wish you could have reacted differently at the time. But still know that your partner chose you and there was love.

Luckygirl3 Sun 23-Jan-22 11:46:20

My thoughts about the difficult things he did are that maybe I should have stood up for myself more and made my concerns about these things clearer. Too late now ......

maddyone Sun 23-Jan-22 11:52:55

Luckygirt despite what others may say, no relationship is perfect. Every one of us has good points and bad or annoying points. These other ladies are looking through rose coloured glasses. Don’t take any notice of them, their partners were not perfect, it’s just the way they remember them now. Because you remember your husband warts and all doesn’t mean you didn’t have a good relationship with him, it just means you remember him as he was, and you loved him as he was. flowers

Baggs Sun 23-Jan-22 11:52:56

No, you are not the only one. Not that I have been bereaved but I still dwell at times on why I felt I had to leave my first marriage. It is not with anger. I don't think I was ever angry, just baffled by some behaviours. I think I understand them better now but whether that would make them easier to live with I don't know.

maddyone Sun 23-Jan-22 11:54:06

Maybe you should or maybe you shouldn’t, don’t let these thoughts detract from the love you had for your husband.

Baggs Sun 23-Jan-22 12:00:30

maddyone

Maybe you should or maybe you shouldn’t, don’t let these thoughts detract from the love you had for your husband.

Yes, this is important. I still love my first husband for all the things I loved him for in the first place. The kids I had with him know this.

Bridgeit Sun 23-Jan-22 13:06:02

I like the saying: Do not judge yesterday’s decisions on today’s circumstances.
I think many ,many of us have at some time or sometimes dwelt on situations that with hindsight we would have dealt with entirely differently if we were faced with such a situation now.
Life & living just doesn’t pan out like that, try to be soothed with knowing you did what you thought was right at that moment in time, best wishes.

Yammy Sun 23-Jan-22 13:16:13

I have never had to endure what you have but have a friend who lost her husband when she had three young children.
She joined a group and said it was making her look at her late husband in a different way it highlighted his drawbacks rather than making her feel positive about going forward.
I think if we admitted it non of us have the perfect partner and neither do our husbands. You sound as if you made a positive effort to be kind and understanding, you did your best at the time and in the circumstances. Don't look back with regrets.

Luckygirl3 Sun 23-Jan-22 13:16:38

Bridgeit - thank you.

Luckygirl3 Sun 23-Jan-22 13:17:19

And Yammy

Bridgeit Sun 23-Jan-22 13:27:34

💐💐💐

Calendargirl Sun 23-Jan-22 13:30:42

I didn’t realise you had been widowed recently Grany.

I don’t share many of your views, but I send you flowers

Luckygirl3 Sun 23-Jan-22 14:13:18

I guess it is common with so many people who have lost a partner. I just wish I had stood up for myself more and often think what I should have said.

But as Yammy says there is no point in having regrets. Just have to remember that I must have got some things right. And I kept my family intact and managed to provide a stable background for my DDs, who are now happy adults of whom I am very proud. But it pains me that I have had to keep some information from them, as I do not want their memories of their Dad to be tainted.

Grany Sun 23-Jan-22 14:29:01

Thank you Calendargirl I am a private person and don't usually share my personal details but felt I could respond It upset me after I posted it and read it.

Here's a bouquet for you too 💐

It's a good job we all don't share the same views wink or there would be no debate

Callistemon21 Sun 23-Jan-22 14:53:31

Perhaps it wasn't that your DH and your relationship were a problem, Luckygirl, perhaps it is the group you have joined which is wrong.
Their marriages sound too good to be true, frankly.

Hearing about marriage partners who "never had a cross word in 60 years" makes me think they must be wearing rose-tinted spectacles.

I just wish I had stood up for myself more and often think what I should have said.
Had you done that you might now be regretting the dreadful arguments which may have ensued.
None of us is perfect.
Not even you or me 🙂

Going over what was said or done may help to process it but dwelling over what can't be changed won't help you move forward either.
You can't change the way you handled things but you can be kind to yourself now.

Perhaps you need to find a different group.

Callistemon21 Sun 23-Jan-22 14:54:36

Grany I'm sorry to hear about your DH
💐

maddyone Sun 23-Jan-22 15:10:40

Granyso sorry to hear of the loss of your husband flowers

Smileless2012 Sun 23-Jan-22 15:15:46

So sorry for your loss Granyflowers.

Grany Sun 23-Jan-22 15:19:25

Thank you Callistemon21 💐and maddyone 💐

Grany Sun 23-Jan-22 15:20:27

Thank you Smileless2012 💐

crazyH Sun 23-Jan-22 15:32:11

Sorry for your loss Grany 💐
Luckygirl3, no one is perfect. Some of your husband’s behaviour was due to his illness. You were together through thick and thin, that’s the main thing. Good luck for the future..

kathsue Sun 23-Jan-22 15:55:15

You're not alone, Luckygirl. There are so many things I wish I'd done differently, so many times I should have stood up for myself and my daughter. Knowing what I know now it was coercive control.

The older and more unwell he was the worse his behavior became but by then I was so stuck in a pattern of living I didn't know how to change things. When he died (15 years ago) I felt like a weight had been lifted off me.

I still feel angry and guilty and struggle to remember the good times. Most of the time I can live in the present but when I'm feeling a bit low these thoughts come back to haunt me.

I feel better now I've got that off my chest.

Grany Sun 23-Jan-22 16:14:46

Thank you crazyH 💐

MerylStreep Sun 23-Jan-22 16:39:45

Luckygirl
I remember very very clearly all the behaviours you told us about, so common sense tells me there was a lot worse.
I truly thought you were a saint. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t suffer what you did.
I know we have to separate the person from the disease but we are not all Mother Teresa’s.
We watched The Father this week. We both said to each other we couldn’t do it. We are both honest that we know ourselves and know that we would end up hating that person.
I know that sounds harsh and cruel but I know me.
If every one was like the lady I garden for it wouldn’t be a problem at all, she is the sweetest happiest soul in her little world.
But then I have the neighbour that I sometimes support. She can be nasty.