Learning to love my late father

What a beautifully written book, each word carefully chosen, some wonderful words I had to refresh my memory on on what they meant, or look them up for the first time. I absolutely loved it. Many thanks Rupert and GN.

Thanks, you!

How lovely nice surprise! Wil look forward to book!

What a lovely surprise - thank you so much! I am looking forward to reading this book given my experience as a child whose Father was away in the Army until I was 10. He only came home periodically, on leave, and always felt like a stranger to me. We are lucky with our Fairy Godmother GN giving us treats!

I learnt to not love my father after his death. He walked out on a wife and 3 small children when I was 4 (I was the middle child and there is barely 18 months between my older sister and I, and 13 months between my younger brother and I).

We had no real contact with him when we were growing up, and my body language in the few photos that we do have with him in the early days, is very interesting. Then as a teenager I self-righteously decided that he had been misjudged by my mother's family (who referred to him as The Rotter) (she never spoke ill of him by the way, she very seldom spoke about him) and I worked hard at establishing a loving relationship with him as an adult, until he died. It was only after he died that I could reflect on how much of the relationship we had at that time was down to my superhuman efforts to make myself believe that he was good and kind and unselfish; and suffice to say - as is often the case - certain truths about him came out after he died and a whole lot of stuff made sense to me. I have no bitterness, or regrets, am just sorry I never had the chance to say to my mom, 'You know what, we were better off without him'.

Like greatnan, I was lucky to have one the best mothers in the world.

Joining the army or navy used to be a traditional way for young men to avoid having to shoulder responsibility for an inconvenient pregnancy.

I think the American forces were very quick to whip away any serviceman who got a girl in Europe 'into trouble'. My brother served with the British Army in BAOR (Germany) for his national service and said the British Army did the same.

dorsetpennt Was his name not even on her birth certificate? But of course you checked that first thing. You might be able to trace which unit was in the neighbourhood at the vital date, which narrows it a little, and her mother may have given her a name with a clue in it.

Interesting how many people say they disliked (or worse) one or other of their parents. My father died only a few years ago, my mother is still around. I never did properly work out who was the driver in terms of prudishness and control (although I suspect my mother, exerting control "from the back seat").
Well done, Rupert, for at least attempting to get a handle on your father.

A friend of mine [born in 1944] is of mixed race. Her mother British and father was black and a member of the USAF. She was subsequently brought up in a childrens' home, happily, and saw her mother twice during that time. She eventually was fostered out to a British family when she was eleven years old. About 10 years ago she was able to access her records from Social Services and found out where her mother and aunt lived.She had some correspondence with her aunt and found out some information. However, when she asked the name of her father there was a crashing silence - we had hoped to rtace him through the USAF. I know she woulld have loved to but without a name she can't.

Well my father died at only 60 and I Was just 16.

I loved him but can see he was not a good dad but it feels disloyal to say that!

He could be very kind but basically drank his wages away leaving my poor mum to go out cleaning to feed us!

He was ambitious for me tho and forked out for my uniform when passed 11+ to be fair.

Lot of bad memories also hated it when he got drunk I was scared.

Sounds like interesting book.

We had reasonably happy childhood despite that but my older sister has worse view of it.

How brave to get to know your father through letters and people he knew. It could have opened a proverbial can of worms.

It sounds like rubbish to me. I knew my father and didn't like him! Generations of women have brought up children very successfully (after 2 world wars) on their own and their children really don't have to go searching for fathers they never really knew, nor those that left them.
Probably the author thought the book would sell well these days when fathering is modern. I do see that some of my GCs have a lovely father and it must be plus, but I grew up very happily with my mother and was not sorry when my father who always upset the harmony in the home, died.

My Father was in the army when I was born in 1943 and as he stayed on after the war, he played no part in my childhood. He eventually came back home when I was 10 and it was like a stranger moving in and spoiling the family dynamic and souring the atmosphere. He treated us as if we were under his command in the army and expected deference and instant obedience. He bullied me and my Mum.

I was scared of him and we never had a close relationship although he mellowed into a nicer old man and I was able to recognise his good points in later life. It has always been a sadness to me knowing that he did not love me and I certainly did not love him.

I was brought up in a childrens home from a very young age, and finally went to live with my dad when I was 12/13 so again another book thats a story that I am interested in. I would also like to read this book.
audnay

Sounds like a brilliant book to read. This unfortunately seems to be happening more and more these days and it is great to be able to read the experience of how the 'children' view this.

This sounds a great book, sometimes you do find out some very interesting facts about people after they have sadly departed that you didnt know before especially in the family tree.

I do wonder how it can be possible to construct a father from a set of letters and a collection of secondary sources. I don't understand either how it can be possible to really understand the motivations and inner feelings of a man who abandoned his family. Perhaps it's just a wish to construct a father who might have been but never was.

My father was a lovely man, kind, wise, calm and understanding. The biggest shock of my life was the first time I heard a man lose his temper and shout. I was 18 and had never seen a man behave like this before!

I knew my father, in the sense that I lived with him, (apart from the five years during the war when he was in the RAF), until he died when I was 18. However, he never revealed himself to us in any real fashion and never showed the slightest interest in our welfare, schooling, partnerships, careers, etc.
I didn't like him and I am pretty sure he didn't like me.
Fortunately, we had a really loving and warm mother so I didn't feel any great need of a father.

It happens though.

kitty, my sister's view of my father was very different from how the rest of us (three brothers and me) saw him.

It's one thing to walk out on a wife. But a four year old son?! And a baby?

No excuse whatsoever for that.

I never new my grandfather. My mother never new her dad.He left 4 children,my mom being the youngest and started a new family.She even went to school with one of them. I had the greatest mom and dad who were determined to give their kids a great life. I would like to read his story and see how he handled his life.

And if, by any chance, I was "lucky" in the draw, give it to someone else.

Thank you.

Sounds to me like he read some letters written by his father and realised that he has inherited his father's selfishness. #genepool