Going it alone

I feel and understand so much said and felt by Lindylooby,Mandylou and Spindrift,especially. My OH died suddenly too,just over 4 years ago and 3 months before my daughter's wedding. Yes, I have now tried to build a new life by volunteering, meeting friends when possible and joining a couple of organisations. All this has taken a long time and does help. but basically, like Spindrift, I am a 'people' person who likes company and finds it so hard not to have that everyday chat ,someone to share an ordinary day with ,especially the weekends, or to make that cup of tea,or coffee,or a meal for.
There is no spontaneity anymore, in that all outings have to be pre arranged with friends and then sometimes they have to pull out through their own family committments. I have one friend who is divorced, but all my others still have their OHs and are making the most of being retired. --often going on holiday etc,
Like I used to be, they are sympathetic, but have no real notion of what being a widow means.
Thinking of you all,especially Lindylooby and knowing that things WILL
get better eventually, how ever long that takes. You will be in my thoughts particularly on the 17th.

Lindylooby, I shall be thinking of you today as you face your birthday without your dear husband. I hope you and the family will get through the meal without too much distress. Look after yourself, and remember to come on here for support from those who really do understand what you are going through. I won't say 'Happy Birthday', but sincerely wish you happy returns a few years down the line.

Lindylooby A difficult day for you. I hope you find some comfort in being with your family.

to all you brave women, especially those of you facing birthdays or other anniversaries without your partners.

We had been married almost 44 years, he was 69 when he died 20th December 2011, he went out to help a neighbour (who doesn't even speak to me now) had a heart attack & never came back, he wasn't even ill as far as we knew, but specialist said he had gone from the warm into the freezing cold & 3 blood clots banged into his hear simultaneously. I am sure you all felt like I did that the end of your life had come as well & the bottom fell out of your world, but bit by bit I am realising I still have life to live, will never be the same but we must carry on, he was my best friend as well as my husband, he was never keen on people coming here, I have been told a typical man thing, so bit by bit all but one of my friends dropped off, can't blame them, but of course they have moved on with life now so I only have the one friend who is a wonderful friend though, she was really there for me when my husband went, not one that said if you need anything then faded into oblivion, she WAS there & still is if there is anything I need, it's very comforting to have a friend like that, I have even found that family have gone quiet too now that I don't have the money to give them that they always wanted to "borrow" makes you wonder did we do too much for them, they are certainly not interested in helping me now, only one out of the 4 has stuck by me.

Spindrift.I was really sad to hear of your experience surrounding the death of your DH. What a shock for you and so near to Christmas too. I'm glad you have one close friend upon whom you can depend. You seem to be making a brave attempt to make a life for yourself so well done you ! I hope you find that your "virtual" friends on GN can enrich your life too. Join me in a cuppa. and

Thanks Gorki. I have been trying to find a local group or something I could join but there doesn't seem to be anything within the area I can travel to, I am out in a small village in the country, I do drive but only very locally, 10 miles round trip is about the most as I am disabled, I would love to find a pottery class it's a thing I have always wanted to try (not saying I would be any good but won't know without trying. I have a large garden & love gardening, I have been lucky enough to find a local man that will do the heavy work for me, he is at the moment covering everywhere with garden membrane & woodchips or gravel so it's easier, he is very thoughtful too & has made paths everywhere for me so I can access the garden in all weathers, he comes for 2 hours on a Saturday, cheap too, but I try to give him a little extra & fresh eggs when I have some, I have chickens. He is also an excuse to bake because I like to give him something with his cuppa, also I know he comes once a week so someone to talk to, have to watch I don't bore him to death . I do appreciate my virtual friends too
to go with our cuppa Gorki

Spindrift. I hope you have had a reasonable week-end. I hate gardening but you say you love it so I hope you find it therapeutic as I know that is what people say . Lovely to have chickens too . I hope you are able to find a pottery class soon. My sister in law did one and loved it. She is now doing an Art class and finding hidden talents within herself.

lovebooks I have just read your post (tend to do things backwards !) and just wanted to say how sorry I was to read about your sudden loss. What a shock and sudden sadness. Hugs and

Lindylooby I hope you made it through yesterday. I think you will have done as there is strength and determination in your words

To all the ladies on here that have suffered such loss and carried on as best as they can, I hope reading about others will ease their suffering just a little.

When my Father died, my Mum was in her early 60s and I thought she would never laugh again, but she did. She had 30 years more to live and gradually she did begin to enjoy life again. It must be so very hard though and everyone tries to cope in their own way.

Spindrift I grew up in your area. You must be surrounded by some beautiful views I'm glad you've found a gardener and how lucky he is to be plied with home made cakes and fresh eggs - lovely.

to you all

Hi Sel, I am originally from Anglesey in North Wales. Yes this is a lovely area I can see the Lakeland Hills from my windows here, I look across fields of horses here as well, a farmer retired & sold his land, people with horses bought it & have let it in sections so always plenty of horses to look at plus my daughter's 2 Shetland ponies in my fields, I am very close to the sea here as well (300 yards) but no beach it is marshland.

On the same tack - have you read 'How to Be a Merry Widow' by Mary Rogers? She manages to be funny, moving and at the same time, practical. Published by Third Age Press

My mum died 10 years before my dad,who adored her, and after he died I found this verse in a wooden music box that he'd made for her.

I often lie awake at night while the world is fast asleep
I think about you always with tears upon my cheek
I'll never get over losing you no matter how I try
I'll always keep you in my heart and love you till I die

Ella That's lovely. I remember your feelings about your Dad .... and his shed.

what a lovely verse, sad,yet beautiful, I think there are many, myself included who can relate to those words x

He never seemed to be down after she died, he was always cheerful, but it was all still in there , bless him.

Just back from my signal free birthday weekend in deepest Sussex and catching up on this thread. There are so many sad stories and it's heartening, in a strange way, to know that we all have the same emotions and feelings of disbelief, loneliness, anger, loss and desperation. to Mandylou Flyinggranny,Lindylooby, Lovebooks Spindrift and Mazzer and all other grieving wives and husbands

Well said Gally and generous too, (((hugs))) to all of you. Hope you had a good time in Sussex.

Love the poem Ella

I've been particularly nice to DH since this thread started, though I know it won't last, and nor should it really.

I think what hit me most was how fragile life is, my hubby went out to help a neighbour, saying be back in about 10 minutes, he had decided he wanted fish & chips for tea, we didn't have them often as we are a distance from the nearest fish & chip shop, that was it, he never came back, we just don't realise how fragile it is as we live each day, each hour, but again maybe it's for the best we don't think about it, the one thing none of us has any control over to you all

Thank you all for responding. Well we got through yesterday, lots of tears and laughter. Worst thing was (haven't mentioned it to the kids) there was 7 of us for a meal, table of 8 given to us and guesswhere the empty seat was - yes next tto me? I excused myself went outside and had alittle cry!
Glad the day is over. Dreading the funeral on Friday, been speakin to Mike's photo - got angry Saturday night and shouted at him asking why he left me, then apologised cried and felt better. My best wihes to all those who hve lost their OH and to everyone else , treat each day together as if it is your last life isso fragile and canchange foreverin anano scond.
Lynne

Lindy I did the same "10years ago.
The day of the funeral was a lovely day. We all had a 'party'in the garden. He would have loved it!
You'll get through it. We all do. It's not easy, but we manage.
Just remember the good times and try to celebrate his life rather than mourn.

Spindrift
Lindylooby
Life is uncertain, fragile.
"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break." - William Shakespeare.

Just gave my DH a kiss and he called me a silly old bugger. I am blessed.

((((Hugs for all of you)))

Lindylooby one step at a time.
Lovebooks you must still be in shock.
Spindrift It does seem life is very fragile.

For all of you who have been through this.

I say goodnight to my hubby's photo every night, the house doesn't feel quite so empty then. Nite everyone sleep well, have happy dreams xxx

Night Spindrift - I sent you a PM earlier. Sleep well.