Going it alone

Counselling can be very helpful, productive and supportive, but is does of course involve going over painful memories/problems. A good counsellor will address this directly and make sure that the individual is not overburdened during a session and goes away with some strength to face their problems. It is right for some and not for others, and can be a slow process.

I sought counselling several years ago when life was difficult and had the same feeling - that my style is not to labour the problems, but to try and move on.

In my job as a social worker - mainly with people and families facing sudden-onset disability and illness - I did always try to send people out of the room with something constructive/active to do in the short-term that they could bring back to discuss.(e.g. write something down about how they felt/seek a rapprochement with someone/get in touch with an appropriate organisation/ go for a walk each day/keep a record of something relevant - all sorts of different things as appropriate) Many counsellors would frown on that approach as being too simplistic, but it did often seem to bear fruit. It is very difficult for people to bare their souls and then the session comes to an end and they feel left adrift in a sea of emotion with nothing to do with it.

It sounds as though Cruse see themselves as a listening ear for sharing problems - some people find that very helpful, others do not.

Thinking of you Gally (got it right this time!), admiring your courage, and hoping so much that things will ease for you over time.

I use cruise rather than cruse.

Gally

Thanks Mishap/ Jess. Yes it was me not Galen. Cruse finally got in touchand I had my first session on Friday. Not sure what I expected. I talked and she listened and that was it. It left me feeling very emotionally stirred up so probably won't have another session if that is the result. Maybe burying all the emotions is the way to go, not revisit them

Oops - sorry! Slip of the finger!

I's Gally not Galen who is looking for a counsellor Mishap.
This is the best place to find a private counsellor http://www.bacp.co.uk but of course they do charge. You can search the site to see if there are any therapists who do bereavement counselling in your area. If anyone wants help translating the jargon do ask and I will give it a go.

Our U3A holds only daytime general and group meetings. Inevitably theatre vists are in the evening but we have a coach to take us there and back.

Good luck to everyone who is trying to make new connections after a bereavement. It is not easy, but there are lots of kind people out there. Our local U3A has lots of daytime activities and once you have a foot in the door and have met people, they may be able to help with lifts to evening activities.

Finding a counsellor is not easy Galen but do persevere - just having decided to find one is a big positive step forward. I am sorry that the Cruse counselling is so slow.

Have you seen this new phone service called Silverline that Esther Ranson is starting - along the lines of Childline, except it is aimed at elderly people who might be feeling lonely. I believe it is being launched today. It will be interesting to see how that develops. I believe that they are planning to enlist volunteers to make several calls a week to those who wish for this - I was hoping to find out a bit about it.

Mind you, when I worked in the SS, a scheme was started to ring elderly people who were particularly vulnerable every day to check how they were - it was abandoned as several people fell over trying to get to the phone before it rang off!!

NO u3a? They are often daytime only.

I'm very bad on my feet
At Thatbags suggestion I've taken up archery which I do sitting down. It's great fun and I'm meeting some nice people.
I'm off to shoot tomorrow. I feel shooting outside will be warmer than inside my house at present!

I am not very good on my feet so not a lot of use as a volunteer, In fact could do with some help myself with some things , thanks seasider

Hi Spindrift I had a quick.look and there seems to be a place called the Rainbow Centre at Clarence St Morecambe that has some activities. All your local WI meetings seem to be in the evening. Have you thought about volunteering for Age UK ? They always need help. I have family in Lancaster so will ask around for you
.

I have tried the Internet & libraries, local news papers etc, seems nothing out there during the day, I would love to try my hand at pottery, I would like a craft group as well, has to be ground floor or a lift to other floors as I can't manage stairs, I keep putting feelers out, one day I will find something
I just have the one friend Steeple, but she does everything with her husband or one of her large family, my hubby was not a mixer, didn't want anyone coming here & wasn't too keen on me going to other people's homes either, it was the way he was brought up, that was fine by me while he was here but now I am finding myself alone most of the time, I would be lost without my computer, this one "died" on me on Tuesday, the techy has got me going for a while, so I had to order a new one today, I do have a couple of old ones which I used, but they are sooooo slow & keep kicking me off lol, keeping fingers (& everything else) crossed this will last until the new one arrives, estimated date 11th December, lovely to hear from you all for you

Well done to you Spindthrift for plucking up courage and starting to drive again. I've tried a few times but, stupidly, never saw it through.

I'm surprised there aren't any sorts of clubs or classes in your local area. Have you checked on the internet? Unless people are part of a club themselves they're not necessarily aware what's available.

I hope that you soon find a club or class that you enjoy.

usually membership about 60% female

U3A is a wonderful organisation. I had stopped going to the theatre because I didn't want to go on my own, but now I am able to go with a U3A group on a bus which means no parking problems and no having to get around Manchester at night. You can join any number of groups, but go easy at first and test the water - see what you like and who you like being with. You will find that there are many people in your position.

Some U3As have short mat bowls groups steeple. They vary a lot, as do the groups within them. Each u3a is an independent charitable trust. If the first group you try is not for you, don't give up - each one is unique.

I have made contact with the local University of the third age! Seems a group in most areas. They do most things such as gardening, music etc plus they have social/lunch meetings. I am thinking of joining and try the lunch meeting just to perhaps make a friend or two. Unfortunately I have no friends where I live at all, my closest friends living a big distance away. My husband and I never joined any clubs other than short mat bowls so it is very difficult for me to make decision to join. However, the worst times are those days, like yesterday, when I saw no-one and only had one telephone conversation. Only anyone in this position can realise the absolute devastation and loneliness made so much worse with days like that.
I know early days! It surely must get better.

Steeple

Thanks Annodomini. I live in the Morecambe area, Morecambe being my nearest town approx 7 miles away

Spindrift, I think I know where you live, but don't know if there are any other gransnet members living close to you. There are now so many of us that it's just possible. Why don't you ask - you might be surprised.

I was all for joining a club or group, but having looked around extensively & asked all over the place, I found there aren't any during the day in my nearest town, none at all at any time anywhere near the village I live in, no way would I go into town alone at night, I am partially disabled so need somewhere I can park the car close to where something is going on & I can't manage stairs. maybe I am asking too much but here I am 24 months after my hubby died still trying to find somewhere where I can meet people, I am rather isolated here, no-one passes as I am about 200 yards from the nearest lane which only goes to some farms about a mile away, I love my home & no way do I want to leave it unless I become unable to manage it.
Steeple, my hubby had decided he would drive everywhere as well, we had had a new car in the May, he died 20th December (2011) & I had never driven the car, I was a bit nervous, but one day I decided I was going to drive to the supermarket, I put on my best bib & tucker & make-up & took my courage in both hands & off I went, well the traffic lights must have known I was coming, they were all on green , after that I drove most days, it does give you freedom, I only drive very locally as I have never driven on a motorway or any real distance I was 53 when I learnt to drive, but it is enough to keep me independant, my nearest bus stop is a 15 minute walk away so not really an option for me, so I think that helped me make my mind up as well
Hope you all get what you want out of life, I am trying my hardest & I don't think I am doing too bad really, apart from the company bit.

Thanks for all your comments. Obviously many of us in same position but somehow it feels you are the only one. My two daughters have been wonderful, one or the other coming to see me most days. It is the waving goodbye and shutting door most distressing. I can drive but have not driven a lot over the past years as my husband always drove. I regret that now but
must get driving again as soon as I feel fit enough. Where I live a car is needed to get anywhere at all.
Again thanks

Steeple It really is early days for you - just go at your own pace.

I have been reading through this thread again. It's now 21 months since J died and yes, life does become a little easier, but it's a case of 2 steps forward and 1 step back and the pain and loss are always present. I decided at the beginning of September that I needed counselling and had my initial 'interview' when I was told that I could benefit from a a couple of sessions. This was 9 weeks ago and I am still waiting. I left a voice message a week ago and heard nothing so today I tried again and was told that the Admin lady was not in and to try again on Monday. I know Cruse is a charity, that it is run by volunteers, that there are many others needing help whose needs are probably greater than mine, but the waiting adds to the anguish, and to be honest, I am rather disappointed in the lack of contact. My GP practice does not have access to a counsellor and are unable to recommend so, as my GP told me 'you are really on your own'. I have googled local and not so local counsellors - there are dozens, all of whom seem to be able to counsel you from an in-growing toenail to incest! Some of them I know and it seems to me that some of them have done a quick course in counselling and set up in business. How on earth am I supposed to select one? How do I know that they are not going to mess with my mind? How do I know they are in it for altruistic reasons, not just money making? There must be GN members who are trained counsellors, psychotherapists or whatever, who could enlighten me on this subject?

Steeple keep chatting on GN, and when you are ready..they will make you smile.

Spindrift you are not too far away from me I have a ride over to the coast on my bike and often go to Lytham/Blackpool/Clevelys and also visit friend in Knot end occasionally and...used to love going to Anglesey when girls were small..used to go to Benllech bay, friend had little wooden chalet on the site at the crossroads (forget the name now something like Sunset )

listening to other peoples stories somehow brings a sense of "I'm not the only one" and sort of gives you a bit of comfort that others understand your situation, I find myself watching families/couples laughing and yes like you Spindrift listening to them having BBQS and sitting out sipping wine into the late summer evenings, when all DH wants is for them to shut up! get back inside and be quiet! (hence why we have the house up for sale in the hope of finding somewhere quieter)! DH is ready for sheltered accommodation he's 78 and in poor health I'm just 58 so not ready for sheltered just yet, and after todays sad events I realise there are things to do, places to go..and one day we will all learn to laugh again..take care everyone a new day tomorrow.