Going it alone

Lindylooby, I've just read the post which you made this morning. It was heart-warming and made me think yet again about how precious our lives with our partners/husbands are. Stay with us. xx

Meeting up in Bluewater on 5th June. But was thinking we could open the net wider at some point and meet say in London or somewhere else? Gransnet can help support us all in our time of need, but can also make us start socialising again with new friends and new interests???? xx

I am right at the top of North West Lancashire, almost in the Lake District, I don't travel as I can't manage alone. But a nice thought, furthest I travel is 10 mile round trip to the supermarket.

To all the lovely people who have written on this thread, I just wanted you all to know I have been thinking of you all, and just knowing I am not the only one going through such terrible grief has given me strength...I hope it has given you strength as well? If any of you want to PM me we can chat about our grief or just about anything you want as at this time us widows really do need each other sometimes, however good our personal family and friends are, unless you've been through the loss of partner/husband you cannot imagine the pain that goes on and on.
Lynne

It's just impossible to imagine this raw pain, Lindylooby. My heart goes out to you and hope that one day you're able to come to terms a little with your grief. xx

It's a pain no-one can explain unless they have been there themselves, the bottom of your world falls out, after a couple of days my thoughts were, my life is over too, but then started to think my hubby wouldn't want that, oh yes life as I knew it has gone but bit by bit I am learning to live without him, every one takes different amounts of time for this to happen, but it really does get easier, one thing I vowed as well was that I would talk about him & my best friend, who knew him for almost 30 years, is very good at that & we often speak of him & things he would do or say.

Spindrift, you have echoed everything I have thought, yes someone said, 'Oh you sound more like your old self!' I said I will never be the old me anymore because my life changed forever the moment Mike died. But, like you I know he would want me to be here for the family, to paint my nails again as I always did when he was alive, and to keep talking about him to all those that knew him. So I am a different person starting a different life, with all the love in the world for my lovely husband, but I cry in private, (sometimes when I'm with friends and family as well, but try not to be sad all the time in front of them) - plenty of time for silent tears, loud crying/sobbing, and conversations with photos when I am here on my own! Enjoy every minute of every day, because you never know when your life will change forever, and no amount of wishing will bring them back!
Lynne x

You say things so beautifully Lindylooby.Such helpful comments. . May your different life be as blessed as your former one

People that haven't gone through what we have gone through don't understand that it takes different people different amount of times to come to terms with our loss, life will never ever be the same again, but all we can do is try to make the best of the life we have now, I say goodnight to my hubby's photo every night before I go to bed, he went so suddenly that it made me take stock of my life & to realise life is very fragile, from a seemingly healthy man he went out the door to help a neighbour, never to come back again, one thing I am very grateful for is the fact that there is nothing I wish I had said to him or him to me, I know many people have regrets of not having said "this or that", this is a great comfort to me that we did do just that.
Hope this sunny weather helps all of you, I am working a lot in my beloved garden & that really helps me.
[flower] for you all xx

Your heartfelt comments are very inspiring too Spindrift but I would be very worried about the practical side too. Ours is quite an old-fashioned relationship : DH is in charge of the finances and I do the domestic bit . I get very confused with organising money and he would find putting the central heating on difficult (though he can cook).I guess there is a lesson to be learnt here

Gorki, I took over the paying of bills some years back because when we used to get the red reminder & red final reminder hubby would forget to pay, I would say this needs paying he would say got it in hand that's as far as it got . As far as cooking was concerend he hadn't a clue & didn't want one, his idea of cooking was to put a pack of sausages onto a frying pan, full on, when they were black they were ready, he hadn't even got a clue how to work a microwave even though he was a nuclear electrician, it was always a joke here, I think I can count on the fingers of one hand & still have fingers left how many times he made a cup of tea or coffee, it was undrinkable anyway , but he was very good in other ways, I suppose we can't all be good at the same things or the world would stop turning

When my DH was working he had no time to deal with everyday life. Because I had shorter hours and longer hols I looked after everything. Since retirement he has taken over the finances although I still get stuff ready for the taxman. Now I am training him for the likelihood that I may pre decease him(he is fit and well)he knows that he will always be able to feed himself as he now does the weekly shop. I am trying to get the house in shape and in good repair although it's a bit like the Tay bridge,and renew linen with a view to everything seeing us out.he takes stuff to be ironed and I am trying to get him to know and love the quirky little ways of the pooter and printer. It's my project.

my hubby was a workaholic, never had time for doing things in the house, he was full of good intentions, but could never find the time, it didn't worry me at the time, now I am trying to get the house sorted, my daughter decided the living room needed decorating a week after Ron died, she started stripping the wall paper, it has been like that ever since (almost 18 months), furniture in the middle of the floor & everything in boxes, she had to do her dad's jobs as well, he used to deliver for her & do the warehouse work, she has her own business, I eventually lost it lol said I am not living like this any more, then 3 let down's later I found a married couple that decorate, they have been here this week, just finishing off today, that is just the first room, the only 2 rooms that are in good repair are my new bedroom & the conservatory/garden room. My daughter lives in a mobile home I have here (she does own a flat in town she has rented out) she decided she would stay here now that I am alone, so ordered herself a new mobile home, today the other one is being moved, had electricians, plumbers etc here since before dawn lol in & out the house & asking me where is this where is that, wondering should I jump in the car & leave home thank goodness the weather is good

What an upheaval, spindrift. You have had a lot to put up with, though you seem to have struck lucky with your decorators. Jumping into the car to find a bit of peace and quiet in the countryside sounds like a good idea.

Spindrift - don't leave home but do go off for some time out!
Lindylooby it's comforting to hear that I'm not alone in crying and sobbing loudly - I had never done that before and of course, only do it in private now, but it does help release a huge amount of sadness, anger and all the other emotions which come with loss.

Gorky and Gally, Thank you for your kind words - Gally like you I never cried or sobbed loudly in the past, but in the privacy of my own home on my own it seems to help me in a funny sort of way! If anything I have written on this forum helps, then I am so pleased. What I would say is make sure that both partners know about the finances (or write things down) as for the practical things, Mike always dealt with them, so when the telephone engineer arrived earlier this week and asked where the socket was I hadn't a clue, undoing 4 screws and removing false plank by side of chimney and finding that I hadn't a clue, we finally located it in the study!! Doh! I also woke up in a panic last night, realising I didn't know where the stop cock was!!! Mike and I always told each other how much we loved each other so I also had no concerns or regrets about not saying/saying something before he died. So like I have said before always tell each other how you feel, never go to sleep on an argument or part on an argument.

You are all so brave, sharing such raw emotion. I can't imagine what I'd do without Mr H - I just don't tell him often enough. I will now! Thanks for reminding me.

Hello again, I just thought I would try and catch up with you all again - Well it is two and a half months since my old life ended and new life began.
I miss Mike so much, cannot believe I am never going to see him again, and dread this awful 'empty' feeling I have, even when I am surrounded by my wonderful children and GC there is just part of our jigsaw missing.
I am trying to be positive, my daughter has planted lots of vegetables in my garden so I have something to nurture, but what they don't understand is Mike was just so much part of me that nothing, will make me be the way I was before 16th April 2013.
Things move on, one daughter and family looking forward to moving to a new home, I took little Daniel (3) to Chessington World of Adventure on Sunday, holidays coming up for some of the family, and whilst I join in and am happy to see them returning to some sort of routine, I still feel 'empty'
I have received a letter from the Ellenor Hospice offering counselling, either one on one or group, but have decided that is not what I need, I am the sort of person that can never say no and if I see people in a 'bad' place I will try and help them, but I just can't afford to take on other peoples heartache, mine is destroying me!
I have, however, made up my mind that in the years to come, once I can 'feel' more alive again that I am going to volunteer for the hospice and perhaps then help other people going through losing someone and the after effects.
Never believed in life after death etc before, but some really strange things have happened since Mike died, that really makes me believe he is looking over us all, I do hope so, and I hope he can see that we are all ok, think and talk about him at every opportunity. When a decision is needed I have heard each one of the family saying 'What would Mike/Dad do?'
Would be really happy for any of the other threader's to give update on how they feel? Does time make you feel more in control of your life? When does that feeling kick in?
Thank you for reading this, I look forward to hearing your views.

Lindylooby I think you will feel more in control of your life as time passes - it's a case of having to! Like you I didn't believe in life after death and I probably don't now but one's feelings and senses are very acute after the death and I think you try to hang onto every possibility. I am always mislaying things, probably because I have so much to do and concentrate on, and I just stop what I am doing, say to myself 'just calm down' and then yell at J to tell me where the b* * * * y thing is, and it inevitably appears! I am seriously thinking of having counselling one to one. After 17 months I still can't get to grips with the fact that I won't ever see him again, and that is a difficult issue to deal with. I am on holiday with friends this week and mixing with couples, all of whom will be celebrating special anniversaries this year, as we would have done next December and I can't cope with it at all, so much so that I have left the room/ restaurant in tears when they discuss their plans. Even when surrounded by people, I feel totally alone - the wallflower . I still feel a lot of anger towards J. I have no reason to but I am angry that he left me too soon, too suddenly without warning and I have to cope with the end result. Everyone tells me that it becomes easier and I expect it will eventually and a completely different way of life will emerge, but like you, (despite filling my days with activity and going on numerous holidays and visits to avoid being Home Alone) I still feel empty. I suppose it's bound to be like this after so long as a couple, but I don't like it.
It is too soon for you to feel anything else and I send you my love and hugs and hope that the knowledge that we are going through the same process, albeit at a different rate, is of help to you.

Grief is such a difficult emotion. We all respond differently to the loss of someone we love and need to be able to follow what is right for us without feeling there is a right way /time to do things. All I would say is that counselling has been very helpful for me even though at first I thought it would not. It might be too soon now but do keep an open mind and you may feel that 1-1 counselling helpful in the future.

I agree nanaej. It can act as a catalyst. Gally that was a wonderful reply and maybe sharing thoughts here is a stepping stone to counselling to you both

Thank you Gally, nanaej and Grannylin, it is lovely to communicate on these threads as you all know what it is like to lose your soulmate, other friends are wonderful, but they can't understand (and I hope they don't for a long time) the feelings that widowhood bring.
Is life worth living? At the moment I just don't know, but with the help of family, friends and friends on Gransnet I hope I will feel more able to cope in the future. I agree about the counselling, I will keep my options open regarding that.
I have tried looking for a book that helps, the different stages of grief, and positive feelings but can't seem to find anything suitable....perhaps I should have a go at writing something, I just feel I need to read and confirm I am not going round the twist.

Gally. I still yell at Peter to tell me where something is, or how do you do something.
He's been dead for 10 years now!
I don't think you ever completely get over it. That little bit of you is missing.
My way of dealing with it is to reinvent myself. Hence the cruises and GN!
I think I'm succeeding?

I find it helpful to think what the person who has died would want me to do/be like. Then to try to honour them by being like that and doing the things they would want me to do. Not easy but it does provide a pathway.

On a purely practical level, may I suggest to all members that they make sure they understand the family finances or at least get them written down. Insurance policies, pension providers, bank accounts, credit cards, Premium Bonds, Savings Certificates, birth and marriage certificates, passports, NHS card, location of important services in the house, garage and garden, membership of clubs and societies, passwords for computers, bank accounts and phones, names and numbers of friends and relatives who would need to be informed in the event of the death of a partner or spouse.
When my brother in law died, my sister had no idea if he even had a bank account. Dealing with your grief and funeral arrangements is quite difficult enough, without having to worry about practical matters.

I have not lost a partner, but I understand the grief, horror and shock of losing somebody you love very much and I hope those of you who are still suffering will eventually gain some comfort from the memories of your loving relationships.