Going it alone

I've been trying to read this thread but am finding it very difficult as it is bringing back all the feelings I have been trying to suppress. I can read only a little at a time before the tears start. It has been eight months now for me, and I wish I could say things have got better but in all honesty I cannot. Greatnan is of course quite correct but having dealt with the practicalities there is the rest of your life to get through. I am getting through one day at a time and every night I am so relieved to have got another day out of the way. I have children and grandchildren, and would never do anything to add to their own grief, but if it were not for them I would not see any point in going on. I had a cardiac review last week and was asked if I would be interested in anti depressants and / or grief counselling. My immediate reaction was negative. I am sad, rather than depressed as I understand depression, a clinical illness - and I am sad for a reason, and no drug can take away the cause of the sadness so how could it help? And counselling is not something I can see myself actually undertaking. Despite being able to talk to my fellow GNers, who I know understand only too well, I absolutely cannot talk to anyone else. Quite literally cannot, as although I can and do chat about DH with the children, all I can do with anyone else is freeze up and cry. Have any of us actually tried counselling or anti depressants (sorry if I have missed earlier discussion of this; I should have read the whole thread before posting)?

Backagain; when I was going through my divorce I was determined not to take anti depressants but reached a point where, although I was still putting on a brave face in public I fell apart when I was on my own; once my guard was down I couldn't stop crying. A friend explained to me that taking medication would just bring me back up to a level that I could then move on from[other than turning me into a zombie which I thought it would do] so I saw my doctor and took medication for several months, gradually reducing the dose. I'd certainly see your doctor again and give it a go. It made me very tired at first but sleep was something I needed anyway, but after two weeks I started to feel much better.

That's very interesting Tegan. It's pretty much how it was put to me - that it would enable me to cope in the short term so that I could get on with my life. But I am already getting on with my life: I "cope" in all practical senses, and chat and laugh with the few people I am still in touch with; I don't think anyone knows how I feel inside (possibly people in the street or on the beach but who takes any notice of a madwoman wondering around with bleary eyes?!). And nothing in my life would actually change, it would be the same life I am going to have to get on with anyway. I think I'm afraid that I wouldn't be strong enough to stop taking them, because I would then just be back in the same position I am now - what would be any different? How did you decide to reduce the dosage and was it difficult? Did you notice any difference, to say your moods and so on? Did you look at life any differently after you'd been taking them a while? I hope you don't mind my interrogating you!

My GP wanted to put me on anti depressants but I didn't want anything to do with them. Like backagain I am not depressed, just desperately sad, lonely and guilty. I have the odd sleeping pill now and again when I know that I won't sleep and that is helpful although the Doc is loathe to prescribe them. I told her that if I couldn't have help with the sleep she would ultimately be dealing with an alcoholic - so take your pick - I got the prescription! However having read Tegan's post, I might reconsider..... I am certainly going to pursue the counselling as I feel I need to unburden all my inner turmoil to a total stranger and not be judged.

Have you been told very much about counselling, Gally? It's not something I have considered before and I know so little about it. I think I would feel a bit uncomfortable. In real life I am not used to confiding in anyone, and my response to beng expected to seems to be to quite simply freeze and well up; speech is beyond me. Which doesn't get anyone very far. I would also be inhbited by the knowledge that DH would loathe the very thought of it. He was a very private person and would squirm with embarrassment at the very idea that I would discuss him with a stranger. So I would feel guilty at doing so, as though I was betraying him.

Backagain; interesting what you've just said and I can't help but feel this is a major factor in how you feel now. But this isn't about your DH now, it's about you. The drug I took was Zispin. I know divorce and bereavement are different [especially in my case as I was unhappy in the marriage] and doctors are loathe to prescribe anti depressants at first when it comes to grieving [feeling, correctly that it's a process that needs to be worked through, not smothered in any way] but if you don't feel that you're moving on in some way you do need help. And you do need to talk it through with people. I did hide my misery from people [including my children] and didn't miss a single day's work because of it, but the crying behind closed doors was wearing me out. I can't remember when I started to feel better because of the medication, but having some sleep helped; I suppose they stopped my being wound up like a coil all the time. And, as I said before, I was totally opposed to taking them. The thing as well about talking to a counsellor is that it is all done in total confidence. Don't feel that you're talking behind someone's back; it's all about you. There is a future, not just an existence. But I am talking as a divorced person, not a bereaved one, and at the end of the day I can't begin to understand the pain you and Gally are going through .

I share a lot of Tegan's experience except that I didn't take anti-depressants after my divorce. My mother died three years before that and my OH couldn't understand my feelings. I couldn't talk to him about grief and he was incapable of providing a shoulder to cry on. I got increasingly 'down' and eventually took myself to the GP who gave me a limited period on ADs - prothiaden as this was the pre-Prozac era - which got me through a difficult time, but the 1980s were a time of turmoil. OH got a new job far from our home and I had to sell the house and deal with two young sons before moving north to join him. Not long after that, he told me he was leaving. Rejection is a terrible thing, even if you haven't been getting on well for some time. But at this point I was taking a counselling course which involved co-counselling and that was a lifeline. I learned a lot about myself and about how being open with others taught me to be open with myself. Backagain, I know that you feel you couldn't open up to a counsellor, but the point I'm making (not very well) is that a good counsellor would help you to open up to yourself. An interim step would be to keep a journal and try to write. Maybe write about everyday things, about how you have got through each day - anything can assume an importance that you never knew it had. Nobody needs to see what you write. I took mine down the garden and burnt it when I moved house!

Am in tears about after reading your posts Tegan and Anno. I'm going to have a long walk on the beach and a think.

My DH died 14 months ago in difficult circumstances.
I also have children and grandchildren but nothing can take away the pain of bereavement.
I have had counselling now for a year and to anyone who is considering it I would say that I have found it worthwhile. I do understand though that we are all different. When I see my counsellor it is a time just for me. I can say things that I would not say to my friends or family who have their own grief to deal with. It is a time for reflection and a chance to say all those things that I keep closed in boxes in my mind on a day to day basis.
Cruse offers bereavement counselling at no cost or through your GP.
There are also counsellors available who charge a fee.
I believe that it is very important that you trust and feel comfortable with the person you are seeing otherwise there is little point.
Like many of the other posters I do not believe that anti-depressants would help. I am not depressed just very sad and I do not think that chemicals would help me.
In the paper some months ago I came across the following writing by Francis Gibb
It describes so well how I feel

Please do not ask
If I am recovering
Or if I see the light
At the tunnels end
Nor speak of relief or burdens lifted
And worst of all new starts
Please,please don't ask
If I am getting through
Have come to terms
Or find my life is back on track
Of course I live each day to each
And gladly smile
My coping to prepare a face
To meet the faces that you meet
What else is there to do?
In any case you would not want to know
The daily loss that lasts eternally
Just please don't ask

I keep a copy of that in my bag and was reading it only this morning to the friend I am staying with!

I was a volunteer bereavement counsellor for a while. As narg rightly said, counselling sessions are for the bereaved to say the things that perhaps friends and family can't bear to hear ... Too painful, not knowing how to cope with your sadness or tears, thinking you should be over this by now... Bereavement affects people differently but society wants you back to 'normal' very quickly and the days of long mourning periods are long gone.

annodomini noticed your mention of co-counselling which I found very helpful in the 80s before and after my divorce.It was good to talk/share with people who were not necessarily 'experts' Is Co-counselling still around ?
I started the training with Anne Dickson -who later wrote the book 'A Woman in Your Own Right'
Going it alone after divorce can be hard - also people avoid or don't know what to say.

I don't know, Maniac. I just did it as part of my course almost 30 years ago. I found counselling techniques useful when I was working with mature students and also with some of the clients I meet at CAB: we aren't meant to counsel, just give advice and empower clients to find solutions, but sometimes I just slip into counselling mode.

I count myself very lucky, I have a good friend who knew my hubby as well, we talk about him which a lot of people don't like you to do, we laugh when we remember some of the things he did & said, only 1 out of my 4 children has rallied round, they all live within a 10 mile radius of me, but 3 of them choose to not even come to see me or even ring to see if I am coping, before that one especially was always on the phone, usually the reason being he wanted to "borrow" money, now I never even hear from him after I told him the purse was now closed as I couldn't afford any more loans or should I say gifts as I will never see that money back. It is 18 months now since I lost my hubby, every day of course is a challenge, but I have got through them & feel stronger each day because of that, at first I thought well that's the end of my life too, but then thought he wouldn't have wanted me to be like that, I have a big garden & even though I am not as able (because of 2 knee replacements) to do what I used to I find working in it very theraputic, of course I am lonely & wish I could find some group or something to join, but up to now have been unsuccessful, I have found like many before me that any group that has husbands/wives/partners don't really want you around when you are widowed they consider you a threat, well no way all I want is friendship & companionship from both sexes, no intention of anything else. Hope you all get stronger every day, I am still working on it for you all

Spindrift, I am so sorry that your children are not comforting you.
Married couples can freeze out divorced women, too, or think they have to take sides. In my own experience, divorced or widowed men get plenty of invitations.

Good to hear from you again Spindrift and glad you are finding some solace in your best friend and the garden. How is your daughter in the mobile home ? Is she the one who has rallied round ? Keep on posting even if you have a bad day. Thinking of you

I've been pottering around this morning and thinking about what you said, Spindrift. I wonder if your children understand how you are feeling? I suspect mine were a bit surprised at how hard DS's death hit me and I doubt they realise how low I still am. All marriages are different of course, but few are sunshine and roses, especially after children come along. No matter how we may try, the children are often about to hear the rows and dreadful things that are said - but they are never there to witness the contrition and promises, the compromises and reconciliations. It's only when you get older you look back and understand how a relationship develops over the years and how bereft you are to then be left alone. Perhaps they think it was all awful and we are better off out of it! Just a thought.

All in all we had a very happy marriage Backagain, I won't say as some do that there was never a cross word but LOL it was on my side as my hubby wouldn't answer, he would sit there & let me rant on, then when I stopped would say, had your say now then? cleared the air, well we can carry on as normal now, the kids used to joke about it, no it's not that Backagain it's selfishness on their part, maybe we spoilt them, always gave them what they wanted even if we had to go without, I find children that have had far less think a lot more of their parents.
My daughter has settled in now Gorki thanks, after all the fun & games the day of delivery, I hadn't realised it was a chalet that came in 2 halves Oh what fun, we have 2 very sharp bends to get into the area where it was going, a few times I thought they wouldn't make it but of course they were professionals & got it there in the end, they were 2 hours late arriving in the layby outside the village, which turned out for the best in the end because all the cars had gone so they didn't have to ask anyone to move their cars It's beautiful & much bigger inside than it looks from the outside, she is the daughter that rallied round, we get on so well now, we share things etc as well & advice each other, yes I do listen lol

Just a note, hope you are coping with this hot weather, myself I don't like it, but can find plenty of cooler places in the garden to go to. At least with good weather I can keep busy in the garden which is really good therapy for me, always has been but now even more so.

Hello everyone, it is coming up to 3 months since I lost my darling OH. It seems like a lifetime...people say 'you're getting back to your old self at times...I reply 'No, my life stopped on 16th april, and the 17th April I started a new life' I will always feel lonely and miss my beautiful soulmate, but in the cold light of day I know I must go on with life for our children and grandchildren...how could I end my life and add to their grief?
I find solace in our home, I sense him, smell him, hear him, talk to him, love him in every corner.
Last night, sitting here on my own I had the sudden urge to hear his voice for real and see him; so I played our Wedding DVD it was 17 years ago, and was magical; I cried and laughed, but felt so close to him, and once again I can hear his voice and remember everything about him.
My heart goes out to all those widowed; at 56 I feel cheated, but realise that as one gets older it must be even harder; I can go out and meet friends, I am energetic enough to look after darling GC, I am confident enough to cope with the financial side of things.
I have been lucky in as much as my private pension has been paid out early on financial hardship grounds - getting it meant the difference between losing my home and staying here (I have 5 years left on the mortgage)...it must be awful for people of senior years who, do not have the way with all for coping with finances, or the energy to take themselves out and about, or having gc to stay.
To everyone, good luck, and remember each day that goes past is another milestone.
If you are lucky enough to still have OH, give him/her a cuddle no matter how much they have annoyed you, because, my God when they are gone it is unbearable.
I have decided that I am going to volunteer at the hospice (Ellenor Lions Hospice) as although Mike didn't go there, they were the ones arranging for him to come home, (but he died before the arrangements were made) and I want to help other people in my position. I thought I wouldn't be strong enough but they reckon that I would be ideal as I will have empathy with relatives.
A white feather landed in front o f me on our garden table today, I know Mike is watching over me, it is so comforting.

Lindylooby thank you for posting and letting us know how you are feeling. I am so glad you have decided to volunteer at the hospice. I'm sure it is the right thing for you as you are so good at putting your thoughts into words which I am sure will be helpful to others. You are not afraid to share your grief and others will take comfort from that. I hope that you too can find comfort in the everyday minutiae that was part of your previous life and that you can take into your new life. Wishing you loads of strength and courage.

I have been so moved by these posts . to all who are grieving and sad. I am struggling with DH dying slowly and in agony. It is intensely painful to witness but I think it will be worse when he is gone.

Sewsilver I hope the hospice carers can help with pain management for your DH. They are usually pretty good with palliative pain relief, saying that, basically, you can have anything you need that will help. Take care

I echo when's post sewsilver. Take care.

(((hugs))) to everyone who is sad and hurting.

Sewsilver Words are so inadequate to offer comfort in your situation but I hope you are getting some support from family and those around you. You need courage and strength and I am sure they will come from somewhere. Keep posting. We will be listening.