Going it alone

SPRINDRIFT you are so right. I was lucky, Mike and I had many friends together and apart. Since he died 3 months ago I cannot tell you how important it has been to see those friends and recall happy memories. Family is really important, but friends can share more 'grown' up memories, of holidays, nights out and just about every topic. I thank all of my friends and family for helping me through this horrid time, they are giving me a reason to go on.
But life stopped for me on 16 April, and since then I am trying to carve out a new life. Nothing will ever bring me the joy we had, the cuddles, the hand holding wherever we went, the mouthed 'I Love You' that we would share across crowded rooms...and the simple things like just enjoying each others company safe in the knowledge we had both found our soulmate. I would give everything up just to have him back for another day! Treasure your OH because when they are gone the world ends. My love and hugs to you all who find yourselves in the same position as me, and good wishes to all those lucky enough to still have the Love of their lives with them. X

Thanks Gorki, it's hard to explain to anyone that hasn't been in this situation what it feels like, it's a very strange feeling, you just seem to exsist from day to day, oh it's a lot better now than it was in the beginning, but I don't think it will ever be the same again, a large chunk of my life has gone, I urge everyone now to keep in touch with all the friends they can, I lost all but one of my friends because my hubby didn't like people coming here or me going to other people's houses, at the time you don't realise but when left alone you suddenly do
all the best to you too Annsixty

Spindrift and annsixty .Though not having had your experiences ,I can feel for you both and can imagine what it would be like. Life can be very hard at times and I'm sure week-ends are difficult too. I hope it won't be too long before you can begin to take pleasure in things again.

Spindrift My thoughts are with you. I still have my DH with me but he has no memory of our shared life and I feel very alone although not in your situation I hasten to add. The surrounding gardens are full of family barbecues and children playing although it has just started spitting with rain,but it is a reminder of past times. I hope things get easier for you with time.

People complain about the long winter evenings, but I find the long summer evenings the worst, you can hear people in their gardens laughing, having fun & you are all alone, I think this is the lonliest time

sewsilver (((hugs)))) Keep posting when you need to.

Sewsilver, if only these hugs could be real ((( hugs )))

Sewsilver. We're here for you. I'll PM you shortly.

When, Kittylester and Gorki, thank you for your words of support. Occasional quick glimpses at GN are one of the things keeping me going. It is so comforting to know that there is still a world going on out there in which there is laughter and ordinary life.

Sewsilver Words are so inadequate to offer comfort in your situation but I hope you are getting some support from family and those around you. You need courage and strength and I am sure they will come from somewhere. Keep posting. We will be listening.

I echo when's post sewsilver. Take care.

(((hugs))) to everyone who is sad and hurting.

Sewsilver I hope the hospice carers can help with pain management for your DH. They are usually pretty good with palliative pain relief, saying that, basically, you can have anything you need that will help. Take care

I have been so moved by these posts . to all who are grieving and sad. I am struggling with DH dying slowly and in agony. It is intensely painful to witness but I think it will be worse when he is gone.

Lindylooby thank you for posting and letting us know how you are feeling. I am so glad you have decided to volunteer at the hospice. I'm sure it is the right thing for you as you are so good at putting your thoughts into words which I am sure will be helpful to others. You are not afraid to share your grief and others will take comfort from that. I hope that you too can find comfort in the everyday minutiae that was part of your previous life and that you can take into your new life. Wishing you loads of strength and courage.

Hello everyone, it is coming up to 3 months since I lost my darling OH. It seems like a lifetime...people say 'you're getting back to your old self at times...I reply 'No, my life stopped on 16th april, and the 17th April I started a new life' I will always feel lonely and miss my beautiful soulmate, but in the cold light of day I know I must go on with life for our children and grandchildren...how could I end my life and add to their grief?
I find solace in our home, I sense him, smell him, hear him, talk to him, love him in every corner.
Last night, sitting here on my own I had the sudden urge to hear his voice for real and see him; so I played our Wedding DVD it was 17 years ago, and was magical; I cried and laughed, but felt so close to him, and once again I can hear his voice and remember everything about him.
My heart goes out to all those widowed; at 56 I feel cheated, but realise that as one gets older it must be even harder; I can go out and meet friends, I am energetic enough to look after darling GC, I am confident enough to cope with the financial side of things.
I have been lucky in as much as my private pension has been paid out early on financial hardship grounds - getting it meant the difference between losing my home and staying here (I have 5 years left on the mortgage)...it must be awful for people of senior years who, do not have the way with all for coping with finances, or the energy to take themselves out and about, or having gc to stay.
To everyone, good luck, and remember each day that goes past is another milestone.
If you are lucky enough to still have OH, give him/her a cuddle no matter how much they have annoyed you, because, my God when they are gone it is unbearable.
I have decided that I am going to volunteer at the hospice (Ellenor Lions Hospice) as although Mike didn't go there, they were the ones arranging for him to come home, (but he died before the arrangements were made) and I want to help other people in my position. I thought I wouldn't be strong enough but they reckon that I would be ideal as I will have empathy with relatives.
A white feather landed in front o f me on our garden table today, I know Mike is watching over me, it is so comforting.

Just a note, hope you are coping with this hot weather, myself I don't like it, but can find plenty of cooler places in the garden to go to. At least with good weather I can keep busy in the garden which is really good therapy for me, always has been but now even more so.

All in all we had a very happy marriage Backagain, I won't say as some do that there was never a cross word but LOL it was on my side as my hubby wouldn't answer, he would sit there & let me rant on, then when I stopped would say, had your say now then? cleared the air, well we can carry on as normal now, the kids used to joke about it, no it's not that Backagain it's selfishness on their part, maybe we spoilt them, always gave them what they wanted even if we had to go without, I find children that have had far less think a lot more of their parents.
My daughter has settled in now Gorki thanks, after all the fun & games the day of delivery, I hadn't realised it was a chalet that came in 2 halves Oh what fun, we have 2 very sharp bends to get into the area where it was going, a few times I thought they wouldn't make it but of course they were professionals & got it there in the end, they were 2 hours late arriving in the layby outside the village, which turned out for the best in the end because all the cars had gone so they didn't have to ask anyone to move their cars It's beautiful & much bigger inside than it looks from the outside, she is the daughter that rallied round, we get on so well now, we share things etc as well & advice each other, yes I do listen lol

I've been pottering around this morning and thinking about what you said, Spindrift. I wonder if your children understand how you are feeling? I suspect mine were a bit surprised at how hard DS's death hit me and I doubt they realise how low I still am. All marriages are different of course, but few are sunshine and roses, especially after children come along. No matter how we may try, the children are often about to hear the rows and dreadful things that are said - but they are never there to witness the contrition and promises, the compromises and reconciliations. It's only when you get older you look back and understand how a relationship develops over the years and how bereft you are to then be left alone. Perhaps they think it was all awful and we are better off out of it! Just a thought.

Good to hear from you again Spindrift and glad you are finding some solace in your best friend and the garden. How is your daughter in the mobile home ? Is she the one who has rallied round ? Keep on posting even if you have a bad day. Thinking of you

Spindrift, I am so sorry that your children are not comforting you.
Married couples can freeze out divorced women, too, or think they have to take sides. In my own experience, divorced or widowed men get plenty of invitations.

I count myself very lucky, I have a good friend who knew my hubby as well, we talk about him which a lot of people don't like you to do, we laugh when we remember some of the things he did & said, only 1 out of my 4 children has rallied round, they all live within a 10 mile radius of me, but 3 of them choose to not even come to see me or even ring to see if I am coping, before that one especially was always on the phone, usually the reason being he wanted to "borrow" money, now I never even hear from him after I told him the purse was now closed as I couldn't afford any more loans or should I say gifts as I will never see that money back. It is 18 months now since I lost my hubby, every day of course is a challenge, but I have got through them & feel stronger each day because of that, at first I thought well that's the end of my life too, but then thought he wouldn't have wanted me to be like that, I have a big garden & even though I am not as able (because of 2 knee replacements) to do what I used to I find working in it very theraputic, of course I am lonely & wish I could find some group or something to join, but up to now have been unsuccessful, I have found like many before me that any group that has husbands/wives/partners don't really want you around when you are widowed they consider you a threat, well no way all I want is friendship & companionship from both sexes, no intention of anything else. Hope you all get stronger every day, I am still working on it for you all

I don't know, Maniac. I just did it as part of my course almost 30 years ago. I found counselling techniques useful when I was working with mature students and also with some of the clients I meet at CAB: we aren't meant to counsel, just give advice and empower clients to find solutions, but sometimes I just slip into counselling mode.

annodomini noticed your mention of co-counselling which I found very helpful in the 80s before and after my divorce.It was good to talk/share with people who were not necessarily 'experts' Is Co-counselling still around ?
I started the training with Anne Dickson -who later wrote the book 'A Woman in Your Own Right'
Going it alone after divorce can be hard - also people avoid or don't know what to say.

I was a volunteer bereavement counsellor for a while. As narg rightly said, counselling sessions are for the bereaved to say the things that perhaps friends and family can't bear to hear ... Too painful, not knowing how to cope with your sadness or tears, thinking you should be over this by now... Bereavement affects people differently but society wants you back to 'normal' very quickly and the days of long mourning periods are long gone.

I keep a copy of that in my bag and was reading it only this morning to the friend I am staying with!