Going it alone

My DH died 14 months ago in difficult circumstances.
I also have children and grandchildren but nothing can take away the pain of bereavement.
I have had counselling now for a year and to anyone who is considering it I would say that I have found it worthwhile. I do understand though that we are all different. When I see my counsellor it is a time just for me. I can say things that I would not say to my friends or family who have their own grief to deal with. It is a time for reflection and a chance to say all those things that I keep closed in boxes in my mind on a day to day basis.
Cruse offers bereavement counselling at no cost or through your GP.
There are also counsellors available who charge a fee.
I believe that it is very important that you trust and feel comfortable with the person you are seeing otherwise there is little point.
Like many of the other posters I do not believe that anti-depressants would help. I am not depressed just very sad and I do not think that chemicals would help me.
In the paper some months ago I came across the following writing by Francis Gibb
It describes so well how I feel

Please do not ask
If I am recovering
Or if I see the light
At the tunnels end
Nor speak of relief or burdens lifted
And worst of all new starts
Please,please don't ask
If I am getting through
Have come to terms
Or find my life is back on track
Of course I live each day to each
And gladly smile
My coping to prepare a face
To meet the faces that you meet
What else is there to do?
In any case you would not want to know
The daily loss that lasts eternally
Just please don't ask

Am in tears about after reading your posts Tegan and Anno. I'm going to have a long walk on the beach and a think.

I share a lot of Tegan's experience except that I didn't take anti-depressants after my divorce. My mother died three years before that and my OH couldn't understand my feelings. I couldn't talk to him about grief and he was incapable of providing a shoulder to cry on. I got increasingly 'down' and eventually took myself to the GP who gave me a limited period on ADs - prothiaden as this was the pre-Prozac era - which got me through a difficult time, but the 1980s were a time of turmoil. OH got a new job far from our home and I had to sell the house and deal with two young sons before moving north to join him. Not long after that, he told me he was leaving. Rejection is a terrible thing, even if you haven't been getting on well for some time. But at this point I was taking a counselling course which involved co-counselling and that was a lifeline. I learned a lot about myself and about how being open with others taught me to be open with myself. Backagain, I know that you feel you couldn't open up to a counsellor, but the point I'm making (not very well) is that a good counsellor would help you to open up to yourself. An interim step would be to keep a journal and try to write. Maybe write about everyday things, about how you have got through each day - anything can assume an importance that you never knew it had. Nobody needs to see what you write. I took mine down the garden and burnt it when I moved house!

Backagain; interesting what you've just said and I can't help but feel this is a major factor in how you feel now. But this isn't about your DH now, it's about you. The drug I took was Zispin. I know divorce and bereavement are different [especially in my case as I was unhappy in the marriage] and doctors are loathe to prescribe anti depressants at first when it comes to grieving [feeling, correctly that it's a process that needs to be worked through, not smothered in any way] but if you don't feel that you're moving on in some way you do need help. And you do need to talk it through with people. I did hide my misery from people [including my children] and didn't miss a single day's work because of it, but the crying behind closed doors was wearing me out. I can't remember when I started to feel better because of the medication, but having some sleep helped; I suppose they stopped my being wound up like a coil all the time. And, as I said before, I was totally opposed to taking them. The thing as well about talking to a counsellor is that it is all done in total confidence. Don't feel that you're talking behind someone's back; it's all about you. There is a future, not just an existence. But I am talking as a divorced person, not a bereaved one, and at the end of the day I can't begin to understand the pain you and Gally are going through .

Have you been told very much about counselling, Gally? It's not something I have considered before and I know so little about it. I think I would feel a bit uncomfortable. In real life I am not used to confiding in anyone, and my response to beng expected to seems to be to quite simply freeze and well up; speech is beyond me. Which doesn't get anyone very far. I would also be inhbited by the knowledge that DH would loathe the very thought of it. He was a very private person and would squirm with embarrassment at the very idea that I would discuss him with a stranger. So I would feel guilty at doing so, as though I was betraying him.

My GP wanted to put me on anti depressants but I didn't want anything to do with them. Like backagain I am not depressed, just desperately sad, lonely and guilty. I have the odd sleeping pill now and again when I know that I won't sleep and that is helpful although the Doc is loathe to prescribe them. I told her that if I couldn't have help with the sleep she would ultimately be dealing with an alcoholic - so take your pick - I got the prescription! However having read Tegan's post, I might reconsider..... I am certainly going to pursue the counselling as I feel I need to unburden all my inner turmoil to a total stranger and not be judged.

That's very interesting Tegan. It's pretty much how it was put to me - that it would enable me to cope in the short term so that I could get on with my life. But I am already getting on with my life: I "cope" in all practical senses, and chat and laugh with the few people I am still in touch with; I don't think anyone knows how I feel inside (possibly people in the street or on the beach but who takes any notice of a madwoman wondering around with bleary eyes?!). And nothing in my life would actually change, it would be the same life I am going to have to get on with anyway. I think I'm afraid that I wouldn't be strong enough to stop taking them, because I would then just be back in the same position I am now - what would be any different? How did you decide to reduce the dosage and was it difficult? Did you notice any difference, to say your moods and so on? Did you look at life any differently after you'd been taking them a while? I hope you don't mind my interrogating you!

Backagain; when I was going through my divorce I was determined not to take anti depressants but reached a point where, although I was still putting on a brave face in public I fell apart when I was on my own; once my guard was down I couldn't stop crying. A friend explained to me that taking medication would just bring me back up to a level that I could then move on from[other than turning me into a zombie which I thought it would do] so I saw my doctor and took medication for several months, gradually reducing the dose. I'd certainly see your doctor again and give it a go. It made me very tired at first but sleep was something I needed anyway, but after two weeks I started to feel much better.

I've been trying to read this thread but am finding it very difficult as it is bringing back all the feelings I have been trying to suppress. I can read only a little at a time before the tears start. It has been eight months now for me, and I wish I could say things have got better but in all honesty I cannot. Greatnan is of course quite correct but having dealt with the practicalities there is the rest of your life to get through. I am getting through one day at a time and every night I am so relieved to have got another day out of the way. I have children and grandchildren, and would never do anything to add to their own grief, but if it were not for them I would not see any point in going on. I had a cardiac review last week and was asked if I would be interested in anti depressants and / or grief counselling. My immediate reaction was negative. I am sad, rather than depressed as I understand depression, a clinical illness - and I am sad for a reason, and no drug can take away the cause of the sadness so how could it help? And counselling is not something I can see myself actually undertaking. Despite being able to talk to my fellow GNers, who I know understand only too well, I absolutely cannot talk to anyone else. Quite literally cannot, as although I can and do chat about DH with the children, all I can do with anyone else is freeze up and cry. Have any of us actually tried counselling or anti depressants (sorry if I have missed earlier discussion of this; I should have read the whole thread before posting)?

On a purely practical level, may I suggest to all members that they make sure they understand the family finances or at least get them written down. Insurance policies, pension providers, bank accounts, credit cards, Premium Bonds, Savings Certificates, birth and marriage certificates, passports, NHS card, location of important services in the house, garage and garden, membership of clubs and societies, passwords for computers, bank accounts and phones, names and numbers of friends and relatives who would need to be informed in the event of the death of a partner or spouse.
When my brother in law died, my sister had no idea if he even had a bank account. Dealing with your grief and funeral arrangements is quite difficult enough, without having to worry about practical matters.

I have not lost a partner, but I understand the grief, horror and shock of losing somebody you love very much and I hope those of you who are still suffering will eventually gain some comfort from the memories of your loving relationships.

I find it helpful to think what the person who has died would want me to do/be like. Then to try to honour them by being like that and doing the things they would want me to do. Not easy but it does provide a pathway.

Gally. I still yell at Peter to tell me where something is, or how do you do something.
He's been dead for 10 years now!
I don't think you ever completely get over it. That little bit of you is missing.
My way of dealing with it is to reinvent myself. Hence the cruises and GN!
I think I'm succeeding?

Thank you Gally, nanaej and Grannylin, it is lovely to communicate on these threads as you all know what it is like to lose your soulmate, other friends are wonderful, but they can't understand (and I hope they don't for a long time) the feelings that widowhood bring.
Is life worth living? At the moment I just don't know, but with the help of family, friends and friends on Gransnet I hope I will feel more able to cope in the future. I agree about the counselling, I will keep my options open regarding that.
I have tried looking for a book that helps, the different stages of grief, and positive feelings but can't seem to find anything suitable....perhaps I should have a go at writing something, I just feel I need to read and confirm I am not going round the twist.

I agree nanaej. It can act as a catalyst. Gally that was a wonderful reply and maybe sharing thoughts here is a stepping stone to counselling to you both

Grief is such a difficult emotion. We all respond differently to the loss of someone we love and need to be able to follow what is right for us without feeling there is a right way /time to do things. All I would say is that counselling has been very helpful for me even though at first I thought it would not. It might be too soon now but do keep an open mind and you may feel that 1-1 counselling helpful in the future.

Lindylooby I think you will feel more in control of your life as time passes - it's a case of having to! Like you I didn't believe in life after death and I probably don't now but one's feelings and senses are very acute after the death and I think you try to hang onto every possibility. I am always mislaying things, probably because I have so much to do and concentrate on, and I just stop what I am doing, say to myself 'just calm down' and then yell at J to tell me where the b* * * * y thing is, and it inevitably appears! I am seriously thinking of having counselling one to one. After 17 months I still can't get to grips with the fact that I won't ever see him again, and that is a difficult issue to deal with. I am on holiday with friends this week and mixing with couples, all of whom will be celebrating special anniversaries this year, as we would have done next December and I can't cope with it at all, so much so that I have left the room/ restaurant in tears when they discuss their plans. Even when surrounded by people, I feel totally alone - the wallflower . I still feel a lot of anger towards J. I have no reason to but I am angry that he left me too soon, too suddenly without warning and I have to cope with the end result. Everyone tells me that it becomes easier and I expect it will eventually and a completely different way of life will emerge, but like you, (despite filling my days with activity and going on numerous holidays and visits to avoid being Home Alone) I still feel empty. I suppose it's bound to be like this after so long as a couple, but I don't like it.
It is too soon for you to feel anything else and I send you my love and hugs and hope that the knowledge that we are going through the same process, albeit at a different rate, is of help to you.

Hello again, I just thought I would try and catch up with you all again - Well it is two and a half months since my old life ended and new life began.
I miss Mike so much, cannot believe I am never going to see him again, and dread this awful 'empty' feeling I have, even when I am surrounded by my wonderful children and GC there is just part of our jigsaw missing.
I am trying to be positive, my daughter has planted lots of vegetables in my garden so I have something to nurture, but what they don't understand is Mike was just so much part of me that nothing, will make me be the way I was before 16th April 2013.
Things move on, one daughter and family looking forward to moving to a new home, I took little Daniel (3) to Chessington World of Adventure on Sunday, holidays coming up for some of the family, and whilst I join in and am happy to see them returning to some sort of routine, I still feel 'empty'
I have received a letter from the Ellenor Hospice offering counselling, either one on one or group, but have decided that is not what I need, I am the sort of person that can never say no and if I see people in a 'bad' place I will try and help them, but I just can't afford to take on other peoples heartache, mine is destroying me!
I have, however, made up my mind that in the years to come, once I can 'feel' more alive again that I am going to volunteer for the hospice and perhaps then help other people going through losing someone and the after effects.
Never believed in life after death etc before, but some really strange things have happened since Mike died, that really makes me believe he is looking over us all, I do hope so, and I hope he can see that we are all ok, think and talk about him at every opportunity. When a decision is needed I have heard each one of the family saying 'What would Mike/Dad do?'
Would be really happy for any of the other threader's to give update on how they feel? Does time make you feel more in control of your life? When does that feeling kick in?
Thank you for reading this, I look forward to hearing your views.

You are all so brave, sharing such raw emotion. I can't imagine what I'd do without Mr H - I just don't tell him often enough. I will now! Thanks for reminding me.

Gorky and Gally, Thank you for your kind words - Gally like you I never cried or sobbed loudly in the past, but in the privacy of my own home on my own it seems to help me in a funny sort of way! If anything I have written on this forum helps, then I am so pleased. What I would say is make sure that both partners know about the finances (or write things down) as for the practical things, Mike always dealt with them, so when the telephone engineer arrived earlier this week and asked where the socket was I hadn't a clue, undoing 4 screws and removing false plank by side of chimney and finding that I hadn't a clue, we finally located it in the study!! Doh! I also woke up in a panic last night, realising I didn't know where the stop cock was!!! Mike and I always told each other how much we loved each other so I also had no concerns or regrets about not saying/saying something before he died. So like I have said before always tell each other how you feel, never go to sleep on an argument or part on an argument.

Spindrift - don't leave home but do go off for some time out!
Lindylooby it's comforting to hear that I'm not alone in crying and sobbing loudly - I had never done that before and of course, only do it in private now, but it does help release a huge amount of sadness, anger and all the other emotions which come with loss.

What an upheaval, spindrift. You have had a lot to put up with, though you seem to have struck lucky with your decorators. Jumping into the car to find a bit of peace and quiet in the countryside sounds like a good idea.

my hubby was a workaholic, never had time for doing things in the house, he was full of good intentions, but could never find the time, it didn't worry me at the time, now I am trying to get the house sorted, my daughter decided the living room needed decorating a week after Ron died, she started stripping the wall paper, it has been like that ever since (almost 18 months), furniture in the middle of the floor & everything in boxes, she had to do her dad's jobs as well, he used to deliver for her & do the warehouse work, she has her own business, I eventually lost it lol said I am not living like this any more, then 3 let down's later I found a married couple that decorate, they have been here this week, just finishing off today, that is just the first room, the only 2 rooms that are in good repair are my new bedroom & the conservatory/garden room. My daughter lives in a mobile home I have here (she does own a flat in town she has rented out) she decided she would stay here now that I am alone, so ordered herself a new mobile home, today the other one is being moved, had electricians, plumbers etc here since before dawn lol in & out the house & asking me where is this where is that, wondering should I jump in the car & leave home thank goodness the weather is good

When my DH was working he had no time to deal with everyday life. Because I had shorter hours and longer hols I looked after everything. Since retirement he has taken over the finances although I still get stuff ready for the taxman. Now I am training him for the likelihood that I may pre decease him(he is fit and well)he knows that he will always be able to feed himself as he now does the weekly shop. I am trying to get the house in shape and in good repair although it's a bit like the Tay bridge,and renew linen with a view to everything seeing us out.he takes stuff to be ironed and I am trying to get him to know and love the quirky little ways of the pooter and printer. It's my project.

Gorki, I took over the paying of bills some years back because when we used to get the red reminder & red final reminder hubby would forget to pay, I would say this needs paying he would say got it in hand that's as far as it got . As far as cooking was concerend he hadn't a clue & didn't want one, his idea of cooking was to put a pack of sausages onto a frying pan, full on, when they were black they were ready, he hadn't even got a clue how to work a microwave even though he was a nuclear electrician, it was always a joke here, I think I can count on the fingers of one hand & still have fingers left how many times he made a cup of tea or coffee, it was undrinkable anyway , but he was very good in other ways, I suppose we can't all be good at the same things or the world would stop turning

Your heartfelt comments are very inspiring too Spindrift but I would be very worried about the practical side too. Ours is quite an old-fashioned relationship : DH is in charge of the finances and I do the domestic bit . I get very confused with organising money and he would find putting the central heating on difficult (though he can cook).I guess there is a lesson to be learnt here