Going it alone

Lindylooby I hope you made it through yesterday. I think you will have done as there is strength and determination in your words

To all the ladies on here that have suffered such loss and carried on as best as they can, I hope reading about others will ease their suffering just a little.

When my Father died, my Mum was in her early 60s and I thought she would never laugh again, but she did. She had 30 years more to live and gradually she did begin to enjoy life again. It must be so very hard though and everyone tries to cope in their own way.

Spindrift I grew up in your area. You must be surrounded by some beautiful views I'm glad you've found a gardener and how lucky he is to be plied with home made cakes and fresh eggs - lovely.

to you all

Spindrift. I hope you have had a reasonable week-end. I hate gardening but you say you love it so I hope you find it therapeutic as I know that is what people say . Lovely to have chickens too . I hope you are able to find a pottery class soon. My sister in law did one and loved it. She is now doing an Art class and finding hidden talents within herself.

lovebooks I have just read your post (tend to do things backwards !) and just wanted to say how sorry I was to read about your sudden loss. What a shock and sudden sadness. Hugs and

Thanks Gorki. I have been trying to find a local group or something I could join but there doesn't seem to be anything within the area I can travel to, I am out in a small village in the country, I do drive but only very locally, 10 miles round trip is about the most as I am disabled, I would love to find a pottery class it's a thing I have always wanted to try (not saying I would be any good but won't know without trying. I have a large garden & love gardening, I have been lucky enough to find a local man that will do the heavy work for me, he is at the moment covering everywhere with garden membrane & woodchips or gravel so it's easier, he is very thoughtful too & has made paths everywhere for me so I can access the garden in all weathers, he comes for 2 hours on a Saturday, cheap too, but I try to give him a little extra & fresh eggs when I have some, I have chickens. He is also an excuse to bake because I like to give him something with his cuppa, also I know he comes once a week so someone to talk to, have to watch I don't bore him to death . I do appreciate my virtual friends too
to go with our cuppa Gorki

Spindrift.I was really sad to hear of your experience surrounding the death of your DH. What a shock for you and so near to Christmas too. I'm glad you have one close friend upon whom you can depend. You seem to be making a brave attempt to make a life for yourself so well done you ! I hope you find that your "virtual" friends on GN can enrich your life too. Join me in a cuppa. and

We had been married almost 44 years, he was 69 when he died 20th December 2011, he went out to help a neighbour (who doesn't even speak to me now) had a heart attack & never came back, he wasn't even ill as far as we knew, but specialist said he had gone from the warm into the freezing cold & 3 blood clots banged into his hear simultaneously. I am sure you all felt like I did that the end of your life had come as well & the bottom fell out of your world, but bit by bit I am realising I still have life to live, will never be the same but we must carry on, he was my best friend as well as my husband, he was never keen on people coming here, I have been told a typical man thing, so bit by bit all but one of my friends dropped off, can't blame them, but of course they have moved on with life now so I only have the one friend who is a wonderful friend though, she was really there for me when my husband went, not one that said if you need anything then faded into oblivion, she WAS there & still is if there is anything I need, it's very comforting to have a friend like that, I have even found that family have gone quiet too now that I don't have the money to give them that they always wanted to "borrow" makes you wonder did we do too much for them, they are certainly not interested in helping me now, only one out of the 4 has stuck by me.

to all you brave women, especially those of you facing birthdays or other anniversaries without your partners.

Lindylooby A difficult day for you. I hope you find some comfort in being with your family.

Lindylooby, I shall be thinking of you today as you face your birthday without your dear husband. I hope you and the family will get through the meal without too much distress. Look after yourself, and remember to come on here for support from those who really do understand what you are going through. I won't say 'Happy Birthday', but sincerely wish you happy returns a few years down the line.

I feel and understand so much said and felt by Lindylooby,Mandylou and Spindrift,especially. My OH died suddenly too,just over 4 years ago and 3 months before my daughter's wedding. Yes, I have now tried to build a new life by volunteering, meeting friends when possible and joining a couple of organisations. All this has taken a long time and does help. but basically, like Spindrift, I am a 'people' person who likes company and finds it so hard not to have that everyday chat ,someone to share an ordinary day with ,especially the weekends, or to make that cup of tea,or coffee,or a meal for.
There is no spontaneity anymore, in that all outings have to be pre arranged with friends and then sometimes they have to pull out through their own family committments. I have one friend who is divorced, but all my others still have their OHs and are making the most of being retired. --often going on holiday etc,
Like I used to be, they are sympathetic, but have no real notion of what being a widow means.
Thinking of you all,especially Lindylooby and knowing that things WILL
get better eventually, how ever long that takes. You will be in my thoughts particularly on the 17th.

I am stunned and humbled by all these previous posters.
So many new names too.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through these tragic times

to you all

I lost my husband just as unexpectedly, back in March this year. We were going to a friend's exhibition one spring afternoon. We walked in. He suddenly dropped dead, taking with him at least half of my life. At present, I don't know where or who I am. I desperately need to talk to him, and have even researched psychics - which would go against everything we both respected, and he would be horrified. This post certainly resonated with me.

I so agree with telling people if they promise to do something please do it, sometimes it's not the job it's the company of another human being there doing something, another thing if you say you will keep in touch, call or visit, please please carry out your promise, if like me you don't have much family & even less friends the promise of someone calling means a lot & so very disappointing when they don't come.After a few weeks your expected to get back to "normal", there is never a "normal" after you lose your husband/partner, half of you has gone & unless you are lucky enough to find someone else you can share your life with, the situation never changes. I have lovely memories & treasure them, but we can't live on just memories can we, I am not good at being alone, I like company, I think one of the things I miss most is having someone to talk about the day with.
All the best to everyone that is in the same position as I am, we have to plod on don't we

What a sad time for you Lindylooby .My heart goes out to you and my admiration for the way you are trying to cope .Mike was obviously a very special man and I'm sure people will go on talking about him for years to come. He obviously left his mark. I found your posts very moving and they made me more appreciative of what I still have. Looking after your grandson will be a great blessing though it will seem strange at first without your husband's support. My best wishes go to you and to all the other posters and GNs who are finding it difficult to cope without their OH's. Love to you all. and

Thank you all for your responses, it is nice to have other people's thoughts on this. Yes, I too weep in private, don't want to be a misery all the time. I have wonderful friends who have either just been here or who have taken me out, as you say no-one to cook for means you don't cook!
I am probably luckier than some, as we always looked after my little grandson from Monday to Friday daytimes and he will be the reason for me to cook again. The reason to go to the park we used to go to again... the first's are the hardest - meeting the dog walkers that Mike used to speak to on a daily basis, hearing that they also saw the warm lovely man that his friends and family knew.
I make a point of taking our dog over at the time Mike used to - it means getting up, showered and dressed by 07.30. It makes me feel close to him.
I fully intend to try and enjoy life and be ok'ish - that is what Mike would have wanted. He was a very happy, jovial man who found laughter in any situation, I want to make him proud that I have carried on his values for our children and grandchildren.
Well off to walk the dog, washing on, and I have lived through another night...I can do it, I will do it for him.

You lot are all wonderful!

My husband died suddenly at 56 exactly 20 years ago before any of our children married or any of our eight grandchildren were born. One doesn't get over the sadness but one does learn to live with it.
Calendar filling is a great help, do things, get out, travel, have something interesting to tell your friends: Sing for your supper, if you are only a wet blanket you will not be asked again.
One friend who was brilliant at going to the cinema with me suddenly hurt me badly by saying "Oh I can't go to that with you, Husband wants to see it."
Another asked me to lunch and when I suggested the following day instead she said " Oh no I can't then because Husband will be at home".
Ouch.
To well meaning friends I'd say spaghetti on a Monday evening is a delight, so don't hesitate to ask and don't even think of trying to find a table partner, just do it.

Two widowed friends were writing a practical advice book for new widows and I said "Tell them to buy more knickers" because of course the laundry does not need doing so frequently. I was quite cross that they didn't include this useful advice.
However what we did agree on is that year three is the hardest, so be warned. Everyone imagines you must be "over the worst" but actually you have finally, totally run out of energy to hold yourself together, to be brave, to manage and you just want to curl up and moan that you "do not want to play this dirty rotten game no more..." But there's nothing for it, so just do your best and it does get easier eventually.

Good luck!

My thoughts to Sally and Lindylooby and all widows. This is my first message but I felt I had to write. As a widow of just over 2 years, whose wonderful husband died completely unexpectedly and suddenly after 30 years of marriage I find it so difficult to come to terms with being alone, no-one to make tea for, cook for, talk to. My children keep me going.

I too do my grieving and crying at home and talk to my husband constantly. I love to hear other people talk about him so would advise mentioning those who have died - don't be afraid to talk about them and tell anecdotes.

We have had a grand daughter since he died and I know he would adore her. Our daughter is getting married shortly and whilst I am looking forward to the happy occasion I am dreading it too as my husband won't be with me proudly watching what he lived for - to see his children happy.

I feel honoured to have been so loved and to have loved. Tell your family and OHs that you love them. xxx

Lindylooby I am 8 years into the journey you have just started. I would like to tell you it gets easier but it doesn't really, you just get better at coping with your grief. Everybody goes through the stages of grieving at a different pace, so be patient with yourself and when alone wallow in the emotions of anger, rage and sadness if you feel like it. I tried to do my weeping alone as I didn't want to upset other people but I still sometimes find myself in tears in B&Q as my beloved was great at DIY. I hope everything goes well and as you would want it to on the 17th, and that you find peace and happiness again.

Sally Thank you for your blog. I hope you too find peace and happiness once more.
Sending hugs to both ladies, and take comfort in the fact you loved greatly and were loved in return.

I am new here but I would like to say, as someone who was widowed after eight years of marriage - over thirty years ago - the raw pain does fade, there is no set time because grief is something we have to work through.

I am so deeply sorry for the two ladies who are working through the pain

Oh dear lindylooby , you are in such a dark place .

I send kind thoughts to you . Xx + a big hug .

Lindylooby, there's little I can say to comfort you, but just to let you know that you're in my thoughts. xx

Sally, I can't tell you how your blog has helped me today! My darling husband died on 16th April, his funeral is next Friday 17th May, and I am sitting here on my own wallowing in grief, anger disbelief and generally feeling down. I have sent all the family to their homes said 'I will have to get used to being on my own, go and spend the time with your little families for a couple of days.'
But the house is so empty. It is my birthday this Sunday and I can't think of anything worse than celebrating it, but one of my granddaughters is also 13 on the same day so we will all go for a meal, I think they like me can't face the prospect of a big family gathering with me cooking yet - that empty place still to raw.
Thank you, I will treasure your blog and when I am feeling down I will remind myself that I am not the only person who woke up one morning a happy wife and went to bed a widow.
Thank you

I think you might be new mazzer, if so may I welcome you .

I agree with everything said. I have been widowed for five years after 40 years of very happy marriage. It does get easier but you have lost a way of life as well as your soulmate. Going out on your own is all but impossible as there is no pleasure in it.

I have had so many empty promises l have lost count. 'We will go out for a meal soon". "You must come over sometime". These statements make that person feel instantly better but have a negative effect on the widowed person when the promise does not materialise.

Another problem is being shunned by couples for whatever reason. Just because you are on your own, it doesn't mean you won't want to make a threesome - or that you will be making eyes at the husband!

Just remember that there is a 50% chance that you may be in the same situation at some point and do as you would be done to.

Couldn't agree more. It sums up how I felt and still do after the family have been round.