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Grandparents and divorce

(13 Posts)
LucyGransnet (GNHQ) Thu 05-Dec-13 10:01:14

Apparently, divorce among over-50s is on the rise. Family lawyer, Rachel Edwards Barrott shares her misgivings on the problems that families might face as a result, both at the time of the divorce and during the aftermath.

As always, let us know what you think below!

jcdoh Thu 05-Dec-13 15:20:45

i have been on the throw's of divorce ever since my second child was born; never got to doing it --because I had nowhere to take children, back then there was no help for mothers with very young; my mother in law was very nice, but I couldn't ask her, mine had died when I was a child, there was no-one to turn to! so we kissed and made promises ;
one month later he had forgotten all promises! why was I discontent --well he was so lazy nothing got done, which meant I ended up doing my jobs and all his jobs, because after weeks, months of waiting , I could stand it any-longer, so I did them!
then a year after 2nd baby , number 3 arrived; I was constantly tired, hardly any sleep as 2nd baby still waking up twice a night, and 3rd baby needing feeds during night for first couple of months then being disturbed by 2nd baby's crying in night; this went on for a whole year !
in all this year my hubby didn't get up once ! oh yes he agreed to do so but never did -along with all his other promises too.

so our lives went on sometimes good but always a hard work, he enjoyed football Saturdays and sundays, I had the kids; then I made him take kids with him--now I felt guilty, but he still played! also I got to demanding we all went out after sunday dinner, he moaned -he had been out all week, wanted to sit indoors and watch football; but by now I had had enough- I insisted !

we couldn't afford holidays away, just days out until the eldest was 9yrs , we then went camping --enjoyed it ! then went camping every year. of course I still had to pack and shop, plus cook, most meals on little primer stove, but at least I didn't have to dust tidy or wash up, the later being done by `he' and of course the driving.
here we are ten grandchildren later still bogged down by his laziness,
me still looking for way out without hurting our family. now pensioners, we have not been hubby and wife for good many years--even stopping sleeping together did not impress him enough to change his laziness.
in fact all my life has been for others, I just cant do things for myself now.

Kiora Thu 05-Dec-13 15:37:03

I don't know what to say(((((((hug))))) it's seems you've been bottling things up for decades (I'm in the same state but for different reasons so know the despair your feeling) and now it's just boiling over. Perhaps relate or some counselling even if it just helps you find a way out.. I hope someone eles can offer practicle advice

TriciaF Thu 05-Dec-13 16:07:44

jcdoh - your story sounds so familiar for our generation.
From my experience the crunch time for older couples is when you're both retired and at home 24/7.
Unless you've got somewhere to escape to, or maybe some voluntary work or part time job, we often get on eachother's nerves.

Riverwalk Thu 05-Dec-13 16:57:41

This lawyer seems to be implying that it's still all about The Family ..... when it should be about what's in the best interests of the older couple divorcing.

For so many generations, women, and it's mainly women, have stayed in unhappy marriages to suit everyone but themselves, and usually to their detriment.

Why is it "essential parents sit down with their children and explain openly what is going to happen including inheritance issues." ?

Taking care of business e.g. new will, etc., is important but the impact on adult children and grandchildren shouldn't even be a consideration when deciding to divorce.

And why does she have 'misgivings' ......? confused

lucyinthesky Fri 06-Dec-13 10:52:35

While it is very important to know your legal rights when it comes to a divorce at any age this sentence is the most pertinent as far as I am concerned: 'What doesn’t get easier is the emotional impact divorce can have on families and friends of the people involved. Just because your children are older and you can rationally explain what’s happening doesn’t mean it will be accepted any easier, particularly if the split is as a result of infidelity.'

My husband's six years of infidelity (with another man) came to light in December 2009. Our Decree Absolute came through a year ago in January. While we were in the financial situation of being able to afford to split up his lies and betrayal have destroyed our (small) family and our circle of friends diminished considerably. No matter how hard I try to pick up the peices and keep the family together it isn't working. After thirty years it is that which I find so hard to forgive him for.

So, is it better to divorce and make a new life, if you are able to do so in financial security, or do you stick it out together whatever the cost? There's a large part of me that wishes I'd never learnt about his homosexuality so that I still had a family.

Hooligran Mon 09-Dec-13 21:33:05

My husband and I divorced after 25 years of marriage, after I had literally brought up 3 children on my own. He was always "busy" doing other more important things. "Work" he told me had to come first, he needed to earn a salary to keep us. What we wanted or needed didn't matter. When his infidelity came to my attention, I was devastated. Apparently he was a well known womaniser, only I wasn't aware of such - I was too busy juggling a full time job, caring for three children and running a home.
When I finally divorced him, it was really such a relief. I didn't have a great deal of money, but what I had was mine.
It will soon be 20 years since I divorced, but I have never been happier.
I can say that it wasn't easy, but it was so well worth it.

tiggypiro Mon 09-Dec-13 22:05:24

Pretty much ditto Hooligran - the best years have been the last 20

evamoden Mon 09-Dec-13 22:20:11

Not sure it is worth divorcing anymore. Too scared at my age to start again. But when two people don't have anything in common anymore, what is the point of staying together? Trouble is of course that children and grandchildren would get upset. But I think it is important to be able to enjoy your own interests if only for a few years, after spending one's whole life thinking of others. Am I selfish?

annodomini Mon 09-Dec-13 22:35:27

No, you are not selfish, evamoden. You need to be yourself again after living with and for someone else all this time. I have been single for 27 years and although it took me a while, I established an identity for myself that had nothing to do with my ex. It came like a breath of fresh air. Don't be afraid.

jcdoh Thu 12-Dec-13 17:32:48

thanks kiora; its so embarrassing trying to explain face to face--one feels like a traitor -- on here no one knows me personally, people I know may read this , but not be aware they know/its me; though since 2000, I have complained loudly regardless of where I am; my family say it only makes me look the tyrant ! which I realise is true.

my health suffers too -depression, allergies and asthma, at present on stress relief pills! they do take the sting out of the stress; though worst --for me is I love being in close to family, hate being alone! don't have any pets even though it would be nice, as I/we go to our girls home for periods of 3wks or more once or twice a year, and it wouldn't be fair to the pet.
we are losing value on house - as he wont do repairs nor pay for them !

tiggypiro one should be selfish --to include a period of time for one`s self; though each occasion I have attempted this- some one has come asking for a time favour therefore I give up my personal time to help them. but rarely make it obvious to them.

lastly hubby suffers from stomach and knee problems now, so my love of long country walks is off menu ! the only things we share are the car to visit family and the family themselves--though he is not keen on their close company . ideally ` grannie' flat near family would be lovely!
I enjoy reading how others express and view their lives.

Merry Christmas to you all, and Happy New Year !!!

lets make 2014 the go get them year, whatever you wish for ?

maybee1625 Thu 30-Jan-14 16:04:35

i too divorced after a long marriage but my children took sides against me so i now have no contact with them.ihave made a life on my own but it is so hard i feel i am being punished for not staying around and being a doormat .

Kiora Thu 30-Jan-14 17:23:35

So are some of us saying if it's not too awful then stay for the family's sake. It must be be almost worse to loose the love and comfort of your family. Especially if that's what you have devoted your life to than it is to loose your marriage. It's a hard decision at any age but after 50 I think it must be harder. I'v always been feisty, independent and stubborn but the thought of being single terrifies me after 40 years of marriage. I think I'd be a fish out of water. My grown up 30+year old children would be horrified and very upset. It's just as well I love my husband. Though not in the exciting tingling sexual way I used to. But I love and care about him deeply. Yes I think i'v missed out on some of life's experiences, yes I think i'v played it safe and not taken any risks. Yes sometimes I regret not 'living' a little more but isn't contentment companionship and the sharing of a whole family life worth it. We can't have it all..can we?