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Daughters that fall out

(20 Posts)
nannabo Thu 06-Nov-14 18:24:51

Hi I have 2 daughters of 30 and 32 and last boxing day they fell out. I think it was a misunderstanding but they can't see it like that and have not spoken since.
I have tried and tried to get them together and sort it out but neither one of them seem to want to or make excuses.
I have now got to the stage where I can't be stressing any more as it has been making me ill. I can see both sides but I'm finding it very hard as we were all so close. I fell out with my sister and have not spoken to her for 7 years and don't want this to be what my two do.
Thanks for listening think just needed to tell someone else and see if anyone has any ideas of how I can try and resolve this

Mishap Thu 06-Nov-14 18:31:09

This is very sad for you; but they are adults and have to live their own lives and sort it out (or not) as they choose.

It might be worth considering whether trying to get them to see reason might actually make them dig their heels in all the more.

I feel for you and can understand how uncomfortable this is for you - but you have tried and met a brick wall - you can do no more. Perhaps you might just concentrate on enjoying your time individually with them and keep of the subject and hope that time will heal the rift.

It is their argument and they must sort it out. Do not make yourself ill over it - that will help no-one.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 06-Nov-14 18:36:41

Have you told them - separately - how miserable it is making you feel? Try shaming them into being more sensible. Tell them it is making you ill. (even if it isn't) I hope they come round. A family divided is a sad thing.

Ana Thu 06-Nov-14 18:42:09

Couldn't you try reconciling with your sister? At least that would show your daughters that you feel strongly about family matters and perhaps they would follow your example.

FlicketyB Thu 06-Nov-14 18:42:48

If you have not spoken to your own sister for 7 years how can you expect your daughters to start speaking again because you ask them to?

soontobe Thu 06-Nov-14 18:43:47

Do they have partners who are pulling the sisters away from each other?

Coolgran65 Thu 06-Nov-14 18:54:12

I had the same thought as Ana about trying for a reconciliation with your sister. She may welcome this herself.

Also, I feel that should your daughters continue to dig in their heels, it can be quite liberating to make the decision to leave it up to themselves.

Once such a decision is made you can love and care for each one individually and refuse to discuss one daughter with the other.

Asking them to make up isn't working.
A change of tactic?
There is a saying a long the lines of....... if you keep doing the same
thing, you get the same result.

rosesarered Thu 06-Nov-14 19:00:18

I would do what Jingl suggests and tell them it's making you very miserable. They may not even realise this!After that, there is nothing to do but wait. As others say, try and reconcile with your sister.As we get older, we start to value our sisters more.

Greenfinch Thu 06-Nov-14 19:24:56

And be sadder that we don't have any.sadBe grateful you have a sister and set about building that bridge with her.

granjura Thu 06-Nov-14 19:38:51

Making up with your own sister - is the way to go. Then, after a period of time- tell your daughters it was they who showed you the way to mending your own relationship- and how important it was. You can't ask them to do what you are not prepared to do yourself- perhaps?

Our two also fell out, as soontobe mentioned- because their 2 very different and strong willed fellows pulled them apart. Now DD2 has broken up with her partner and came back to the UK, they are again very close- to our huge delight. It ate me up when they were not speaking to each other- and I was pig in the middle- horrible, in so so many ways.

suzied Thu 06-Nov-14 21:00:17

You can't change what's happened in the past but you can change the future. Whatever you and your sister fell out about can't be changed but the way you feel can be changed. Life is too short. Bury your differences and move on. Your daughters can then do the same.

alex57currie Fri 07-Nov-14 13:51:21

Nannabo just read your OP flowers. There's a self-help book I read recently called 'The Dance of Intimacy' No it's not one of those kind of books blush. There's a chapter in it that explains the dynamics of family problems being inter-generational. It may still be available.

nannabo Sat 08-Nov-14 18:01:07

Thanks so much ladies for you input it has made me feel a lot better and as for trying to make up with my sister have tried on several occasions and she didn't want to know so I gave up as I felt so bad every time she knocked me back and I can only take being knocked back so many times and thought enough but reading all your replies has been really good Thanks xx smile

Iam64 Sat 08-Nov-14 18:37:02

nannabo, you aren't alone in trying to build bridges, only to be hurt by rejection. Many regular posters (myself included) have had similar experiences. Look after yourself, and try to hang on to the fact that your daughter's are now adults, responsible for themselves and the decisions they make. I don't mean to sound harsh, I empathise with your feelings but you have to take care of yourself in all this.

Nonu Sat 08-Nov-14 18:47:08

I like your post COOL 18.54.

Seems sensible !!

nannabo Sun 09-Nov-14 18:22:08

Thanks first time I have ever done this but needed to talk to someone or anyone about it as it's been eating me up. It's nice to know that I am not alone thank you all xxx(smile)

grandma60 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:05:07

nannabo I do feel for you. My son and daugher fell out a couple of years ago over issues to do with my 60th birthday celebration. Lke you I tried to mediate between them, but soon realized I was making things worse, so I have stepped back and tried to accept it. They live at opposite ends of the country which makes it harder.
I feel so sad about it. I am an only child and was so glad that they had each other. Since it happened my Son and his wife have had twins and my daughter and her family have never seen them as she says my son never told her about the pregnancy. I had asked him to ring but he refused , saying my daughter never answered the phone. That's when I decided to step back.
Next time I have a special birthday I shall go off on holiday.

flowers to you nannabo hope everything works out for you.

rubylady Mon 10-Nov-14 02:05:34

My children don't talk to each other and haven't done for some time. My daughter left home eight years ago, my son being the apple of her eye while at home, and never really bothered with him since, much to the upset of my son. There is nearly ten years between them. I spent time trying to get them to e mail, message, phone each other but to no avail and so I gave up after my son got really depressed for some time and my daughter showed no concern. I left it. It is their relationship, not mine. Maybe in time they will sort it out but I doubt it. They truly are cut from different cloth.

MargaretX Mon 10-Nov-14 11:29:54

I came from a family which went in for 'not speaking' with the result that when my mother died - suddenly- her sister was terribly upset and griefstricken.
If you are not talking to your sister then that is the first thing your daughters will do if they fall out. It is easier at first than trying to make up or to see the other side.
Christmas - which I dislike - is the time most families fall out so don't expect them to get together at Christmas.
You could say that you won't be celebrating Christmas and that you won't see or visit either of them on that day. Make a stand and back off!.
They are adults it is their problem not yours. Secretly they might both be pleased at the effect they are having on you. Makes them feel important instead of just childish.

nannabo Thu 13-Nov-14 21:14:21

Thanks for all your messages it has been a big help. I hate Christmas anyway so I'm not so worried about that as I shall only be off for 2 days and I will get to see them separately. I just feel sad that the grandkids don't see each other as much but as you all say it's their problem not mine and I have given myself a good talking too and am trying very hard not to let it take over my life. So again many thanks it's nice to know you are all here if I need any advice or just a moan lol.
Next time I am going to write about something happy smile x