IS THERE LIFE AFTER CANCER??............ ....YOU BET THERE IS!!!

Indeed Gilly,a good morning to you on what appears to be a full week of settled sunshine,all we now need are higher temperatures to match!
Our gardens,parks and hedgerows are greening up beautifully whilst personally the beautiful bluebells,in such abundance this year,make every little walk or car journey such a treat.

Again a plethora of earlier happy memories when we were the proud and happy owners of our little dogs,Scampi a Pembrokeshire corgi my stalwart friend prior to my cancers,and then delightful Barnaby,our miniature wire haired dachshund whom very quickly ruled not only us both............but our home too.he was my lap dog after the cancers left me far more house bound than before.

Happy wonderful memories with simplicity always the key.

I am just as enthralled at the way our paths have unsuspectingly crossed and we are delving deep into those memories of perhaps troubling times when life was, indeed, very much at a cross roads....and we were never altogether sure where it would eventually lead us.
Invariably it was a meeting meant to be and I think thus far most cathartic for us both.Perhaps at some point it will prove so for others when they take time to read through what seems to be such a lot of memories.

You have now become an integral part of my memories and blog Gilly and I am pleased and happy about that.

With great thanks of course to Penny Brohn and her foundation which was the catalyst bringing us together.

Although yes,I have a very difficult period ahead and again my life is extremely uncertain,but I would love the continuation of this which we have found..............so although there maybe a little gap where I am unable to continue please hang on in there because for sure...........I shall be back!!!

You are only one of many that have suggested this book I should pen,and in actual fact I have written one in draft form many years ago..........but it seemed there was not a satisfactory conclusion and it is there,all printed up but at the back of a cupboard!.

At that time I became highly fluent in poetry and would often wake up of a night,and have to hurriedly grab a pen to write down as these poetic lines simply poured out........ far faster than my pen could write!!!
I ended up with lots of beautiful poetry but mainly based on a Christian theme so I will say no more.
However at that time I sent many into various publishers, and yes, everyone submitted was published so it was a very uplifting period in my life.

I do come up with some surprises as you have realised!!

These poems were made into a small booklet back then and sold for our own Cancer Centre actually,and yes,a tidy little sum was raised.

Going back to your own period prior and around the time of your diagnoses, it seems to some extent we walked a parallel route...........you being made very aware of cancer and its possible death sentence by helping your Mum nurse her partner, whom was suffering from the disease.So of course your senses were very aware of the ultimate price he paid.You probably did not truly recognise the fact that he had been a fool to himself,smoking so heavily,against all the Medical advice even back then.
All that was indelibly printed on your mind was the fact this man died.

I was in the throes of nursing and caring for this dear 80 year old crippled lady,my foster Mother,the lady that had given me a home and loving nurture from the tender age of just 10 weeks.
She now had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer and it was a particular debilitating one,where upon she haemorrhaged profusely almost daily.
We choose to take her into our home and not follow the operation that was half advised,at that age we knew that it would be far too traumatic as she had not even experienced Hospital as a patient before.
We set up a mini hospital at home and as she was given a life expectancy of some 6 weeks we knew ...........or thought we knew what to expect.
My DH deserved a medal of the tremendous help he gave me,despite working 10 hour daily shifts........and in fact between us we got her slightly mobile, as well as reading again, and indeed what a privilege to gave her back just a fraction of the caring she had so given me over the years.
In fact it was 7 months of extremely difficult nursing but also a time of great blessings, because she brought with her such an aura of peace and joy.............yet her life had been far from great,another story in itself.
Her death was of course inevitable and we simply had to deal with it.

But of course it certainly had a great bearing on my own diagnoses which followed quite soon afterwards.

When in the throes of an early diagnoses it is amazing the different reactions of people,there are such extremes of the different ways the dear ones themselves and/or their nearest and dearest react.......no hard and fast rule..........we are all very individual human beings and we are whom we are,warts and all.
Whilst a counsellor over very many years in our Cancer Centre after it opened and was fully up and functional,believe me,I think I saw and heard it all.
Nothing,just nothing would appal me ever again.

Strangely enough though dealing with my own health issues, I heard of one of my breast cancer results through a simple telephone call........very matter of fact.
The Surgeon whom did one of my operations and a lot of following issues dealing with that...........resulting in a very traumatic near death experience actually tried putting some of the blame on to me,all be it in a kindly manner.........saying I was extremely stoic.
I even had to look up the real meaning..... and I suppose he was right,although that gave him no “carte blanche” to turn around his own failings.

The very first lesson that was drummed into a group of us was simply NO two cancers were ever alike.So though we may both have had shall we say, cancer of the left breast,undergoing surgery and treatments.It did not mean the operation for both would be the same,let alone the result.........and the treatments all differed.Therefore it was useless us saying to the next person diagnosed.....”Oh” yes I too had such and such,followed by operation and such and such treatment.......so you will be as fine as I am.”.....simply because all cancers are slightly different,the exact positioning different and therefore the operations and treatment will somewhat vary.
Sadly some do lose their lives early,others hold on a while and yet these days,thankfully, the majority pull through .....leading a full and productive life there after.

From your own description Gilly,it seemed to well and truly knock you sideways,which is not at all uncommon.It is one of the worst diagnoses and it can spell the difference between life and death, so of course it really does have serious consequences where our minds are concerned.
Of course a lot depends on the support and back up at home,what you know or have picked up over the years............no two ways about it..... it is a huge shock to the system and totally drains you initially.
Believe me I never got complacent and it never got any easier.I was one of those that seemingly took it all on the chin.............that false stoic approach...........but heaven help the sheer fears and turmoil racing around deep within me.I just kept most of it locked deep inside,thats me and the way I deal with the greatest hurts in my life.............and believe you me,there have been many.

I have led a very complicated life,were it all spelt out in a book,I doubt anyone would believe.I am sure they would read it as fiction.

However Gilly I think we still have a whole lot of chatting before we are finished.I have no wish to dominate your life,especially knowing how your time is taken up with visiting your Mum, and those worries you have for her.
Whilst I have a dreadful few weeks ahead of me,however I shall continue writing..........as and when.......there may have to be a little lull, depending on the depth and aftermath of this dreaded operation on the 29th..........meanwhile I visit the Surgery every few days having my leg redressed, as it just will not heal, following what I think is the 8th or perhaps even 9th skin cancer `op...........two have required skin grafts which is a real pain in the butt!............but for the moment we just keep on hoping.

I still have more left to chat about regarding those extraordinary few weeks spent having the treatment, so I sincerely hope we continue,but please pace yourself if need be too.

We have all the time in the world...........and just think of the summer time when hopefully we can renew our spent batteries and breathe in some nice healthy fresh air!!

By the way we have happy memories of a little break we enjoyed in Somerset,way back when we were newly weds and my DH worked a while at Hinkley Point.
We rented a caravan in Watchet and spent the weekends touring the area............a great time was had and we still drool over one of the Fish and chip suppers enjoyed there one evening!!
Whilst we also still drool and recall that juicy cauliflower we had one meal......a farmer had just cut it for me out of his collection ......and it was the freshest and tastiest cauliflower we have ever enjoyed.

Only a handful of years back we were advised to take our darling dachshund to Somerset to what I think was the Equine Hospital there.
His `vet had detected that he might have hurt his spine,as low down dogs such as dachshunds are prone too,and because he was so loved, she knew we would want only the very best for the little fellow.
So the three of us set off very early,I had Barnaby on my lap so that I could shield him from any bumps or sudden stops that might jar his back further.It was just before lunch time when we found the place and made our presence known.
A group of `vets checked and checked him over........with little Barnaby proudly walking up and down as though loving the attention..............and what a relief when he was given a free ticket, stating he did not have the dreaded back problem.
The journey home was far more leisurely and we both were smiling happily yet again............and Barnaby never had a serious back problem throughout the rest years of his little life.

Have a restful and pleasant day Gilly,there is much hope regarding your Mum`s recovery and that is such uplifting news.One has to take into account her years too,one cannot expect too many miracles, much as though we may wish for them.
Hopefully your worries will now decrease.
Hope is our best friend.

Good morning Panache - what can I say - it is a beautiful morning here in Somerset. I hope it is with you. Your 'messages' are more than this to me - they are an insight into a very special lady who I have come to meet though a totally unexpected avenue. I will be thinking of you through this next stage of a very difficult time for you and of course your husband. I hope that we can continue to keep in touch to share our ups/downs.

I read the next posting of your blog very quickly because I want to read what comes next and then go back again. I have done this several times and then this morning I thought would all that you have experienced make a little book that would raise funds for your charity? It might be a totally silly idea but you have humour and insight that is very precious.

Yes - when I was in the hostel it was a shame that I did not meet someone that I could 'relate' to and the psychologist was my lifeline. I may have not told the tale correctly but I met her when I moved hospital at the eleventh hour.

I had just helped my Mum nurse her partner with cancer, he wanted to be home, it was tough and I had to help her in a way not through choice. He was an extremely heavy smoker for many years and it had finally took it's toll.
When he died it was only 2 months later that I was diagnosed and it was as though I could see myself being him in time.

So getting the strength to get out of the first hospital and transferred when I met the new consultant, he confirmed what I was facing and in fact did more through tests that day and we waited for the results. I remember when we went back to his clinic in the afternoon I felt physically sick and almost collapsed walking into the waiting room.

When he gave me the results and spelled out the course of treatment he recommended I just broke down. he left me to the nurse and I explained that I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. She said she could book me int to see the psychologist linked to the unit. She got me the appointment immediately and the psychologist met with me and even came to see me a few days after my operation. (When I was home she also phoned me several times.)

So when it came to the hostel I think I wanted to protect myself. I met others but they would say e.g. 'I hope they hurry up and tell us we are cured! or 'Do you think we are going to die'. So I just found I wanted to keep my thoughts to myself or share them with the psychologist. Medical questions I would write down and ask the consultant to write the answers for me so that I could refer to them again. My husband was with me every step of the way but left questions to me and he was in charge of the driving, cuddles and tea.

So our dear husbands and the things they do for us that can surprise you. My husband is very good with DIY and mechanics. Cooking a meal - well - easier to have a sandwich. After each chemo the first week I felt horrible and didn't want to get out of bed. So I would lay watching the sky, looking out at the fields, listen to Radio 4 and falling asleep so I didn't have to feel poorly. One day when I came back from the bathroom he had moved the pillows to the bottom of the bed - got it all comfy for me - and said I thought you would like to have a different view. Little things can mean so much can't they?

Well I must get a shower and start thinking of the trip up to the hospital.

Please do not think you have to reply to me as this Blog is not about me. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Gilly

Panache - I wrote back to you - previewed it and lost it. So will write again later. Gilly

Well done Panache et al

Gilly fret not,I know that feeling all too well.......the world and all its mountain of worries can wait,we walk this way but once, and yes, we just have to take time to smell the roses..... and all those sights that, just as you mentioned,maybe here to grace our gardens,parks and verges today,yet in many instances, tomorrow they will be fast fading........or gone.

Time and now is of the essence.Especally since we are both here still,very much alive............not everyone whom has walked the Penny Brohn way has been this fortunate.
That is why I think it all made this massive impression upon me and I knew,I just knew, I really must make a difference.
Again the initial inspiration came through that remarkable lady.

Once embarked on and finding another individual as keen as I was, our combined ideas and our own enterprise The Cancer Care Centre took off...... and when this dear terminally ill lady thought that she would make her own mark by the generous donation of the beautiful Victorian building,a manse,there was just no turning back.

Whilst what I took to heart on reading your lovely memoirs is the horrendous times you and your family have suffered various forms of illnesses,not forgetting how you are right now caught up with the caring and worrying with your DM`s continued issues.All so very draining.
It is then even more important to have a cut off point,determindly switch off awhile, let the wind flood through those areas of your inner self....which can so easily get tormented by all these things.

Continuing following Mother nature is in itself such a joy,and how fortunate are we to be still very much here,still counting our blessings...........and by that I mean no spiritual dimension........just the things that we are ever so grateful for, and perhaps putting our husbands in the forefront may well be the very best place to start.

They have been through so much too,in fact because I have had so many operations,three times virtually on my death bed..... and even now a simple Skin cancer operation on my leg less than a 2 weeks ago just refuses to heal,and is certainly requiring much special care,causing extra concerns ........Whilst in less than 3 weeks I once again head off to another Hospital some 50 miles away for a very difficult and delicate operation involving pancreas,gall bladder and liver..............we have heavy hearts, having been down these routes so very many times,and we are well aware that we are not altogether immortal.
Sometime,somehow I will not win the day.

So yes our husbands have a fair share of suffering.

Mine has enjoyed robust health, until out of the blue only some 3/4 years ago he learnt he had a life threatening illness hovering over him,due to his industrial past work load........whilst when I was admitted into Hospital as an emergency last February,he too ended in there with a rather nasty new problem.

We are back on track now, but I have noticed I am not alone in losing all this weight,he has lost quite a bit,is looking extremely haggard, whilst in these months since, he has lost a significant amount of frontal hair (he was so well endowed too) Then his mainly pepper grey hair is now fast turning white........all since February would you believe?

So we really have to remember that these stalwarts.... they too have their own issues and fret much like ourselves............but tend to keep it all hidden.

What a shame that you obviously did not similarly bond or have the lasting great memories of your fellow beings during your own radiotherapy treatments Gilly,how different it could have all been had you found people who simply "gelled" with you.

I suppose the fact there were just 2 others,whom seemed to "clique together"and bond over their shared faith,thus it made you feel such at a loss, because you had no "Higher authority" to pray to or look down on you benevolently............such as it seemed they were intent on practising..
Because of your vulnerability of course it took little to de stabalise you at that point......however I am sure after some assistance via the resident psychologist,you fared much better.

How grateful we are to such an Establishment as this Penny Brohn Retreat and what it truly offered.

I was the "baby" of our group,although also the one that was most au fait with cancer and all it entailed,so on one hand I was regarded as the youngster, and yet it was to me they turned when they had a problem or were having a particular rough day.

Every morning I was first up,showered and dressed with the table fully laid for breakfast.
After breakfast an ambulance came to pick us up,running us the 3 miles into the Cancer Centre proper.

I was a real "mother hen" for one day they all roared when I simply asked quite naturally of one of the men...........on a particular chilly morning......"Have you got your vest on???"
It took a few days for the teasing to stop!

Taking in your not such a happy time at that flat with the other 2 ladies, reminded me of the very first week when I too experienced a little taste of great unpleasantness.

I was very new,very raw to the situation,all alone with my DH a long way from me,so feeling more than a little homesick and missing my man......and one of the then occupants.... was this stout rather overbearing lady whom simply did not care a damn about walking all over us others, and in fact being down right obnoxious.
She was on her last week of treatment,having had all the quota allowed her and in fact death was staring her in her face.
Of course none of us newer recruits were aware of this,however being new, we all just simply kept quiet and put up with her.

Every night when the Sister in charge left,which was probably about 8pm..........she would then systematically open up EVERY window in the building,pour herself a very large glass of what smelt like whisky............light up a cigar,followed by another and obviously enjoyed herself...........going against the set rules!!

It was October and the nights were chilly,so we all were sat there virtually shivering, and one of her withering looks was more than enough to have you shut up very fast, should you dare even think to complain!
I am very pleased that, like the good little new bunch that we were, we all suffered in silence.................because after the end of the week,we never again set our eyes upon her,hearing in fact she had actually passed away almost immediately.

It was our first bitter learning curve.

On returning to start our second week ...........just the 9 that I mentioned earlier ........the atmosphere was not only one of great relief,but a totally new ambience pervaded throughout............no more wide open windows late into the night, and no smuggled bottles of whisky either!!

Again contrary to the advice given us to simply rest ourselves, I took it upon myself to have a daily afternoon stroll.It was not exactly a prime walking area, but for me it was this gentle release,escapism,and it meant so very much for my well being.
We were out in the countryside really,but it was rather flat,rugged terrain.....ferns and foxgloves seemed to enjoy the climate !!!.... There were just a scattering of houses and small hamlets.Whilst to one side was the outskirts of the bigger city.

I simply chose right,left or centre........ and walked!

One way I liked going at dusk as I could walk past homes with lights on and it sort of brought a lump to my throat,thinking of my very own home.The opposite direction meant I would meet hardly a soul, but I simply enjoyed both the fresh air and exercise.
The third direction I found eventually led to a small airfield, so this was quite fascinating,and it made one other lady join me,so this was yet another dimension to my time mid week there.

Fridays were always a joy at least for the majority of us.One lady and a gent stayed put even at the weekends because of the travelling distances to their homes,but the rest would board the ambulance on Fridays carrying their luggage with them,their family members meeting them at The main Hospital to take them to their homes.I always had a heavy heart at this point because knowing my DH would not arrive until after he had completed his day at work,I had a rather long wait with my luggage at the ready.
Still, determined to make the most of it all I would take a little stroll around and about,acquainting myself with the area.In fact a beautiful Park complete with large lake was within walking distance.

And then the hour would eventually come........and my man would drive in to collect me.Such happy times as we headed to the local Milk Bar nearby to enjoy a drink and our first excited chat.We both think back on those days and recall how valuable those Friday evening meets were........to us both.

Then a long drive home and the talking continued until we drove into our own little fontage and yes,I was home sweet home with the man of my dreams
.
It is amazing how clearly we can recall every moment of those now quite far off days.Such a pleasure sharing with you Gilly,indeed I feel a very strong bond between us........so although the word cancer is not a pretty word,the one most people fear,yet here we are discussing the many pros and cons..........very much alive....and still having lots to offer others in need.

Sending you every blessing Gilly, trusting you will find visiting your mum a little less harrowing than of late.You can but visit,be there,show your love and do your very best.No one can offer more.

Reading you story was so interesting - thank you. It also brings back my memories. I remember trying to regain my strength. My husband and I would walk up the lane from our cottage, past woods on either side, I would set a tree as my goal to walk to. If when I got there I felt I could manage the next tree all the better.

One day when I was feeling so much better I walked on my own with our little dog and got caught in a hail storm on our way home. Our little dog kept looking at me as if to say 'what are we doing?' I remember now how I said this is just hail and it won't kill you let's just enjoy it and laughed to myself. So... your description of your walks - I could almost walk in your shoes as you describe it. Yes - those colours of nature and to be by the sea. The location sounds wonderful

When I was having radiotherapy I stayed in the hostel and my husband collected me at weekends. We shared a 'flat' so I had two companions. What I did find difficult they did keep on about their faith and those praying for them at home. That's when I spoke to BC Nurse and said I am trying my best to think positive, eat the right food, etc, etc but I feel as though this cancer will 'get' me because I cannot pray. It was the one thing I could not do to help myself and did it mean I would loose my battle because of it. I was on a 'downer' and she got me the appointment to see the psychologist attached to that unit.

I was able to spill out how I felt, our daughter suffering mentally and the care for her boys plus to put the 'icing on the cake' our son had an accident and fractured his skull. (Thankfully he is OK now with a few side effects but is able to work) BUT the day of my appointment to get the results after the operation we then travelled to Frenchay Hospital to see him. (He had tried to keep this from me but his girlfriend at the time felt I should know in case....)

Life is a journey isn't it and your sharing your experience with us shows we never know who we will meet and what an influence they can have on our lives.

What a wonderful husband you have. We have been married 53 years and have had our ups/downs and life events can certainly test each of us.

What is so easy to do is to forget sometimes to look at the blue of the sky when there is so much going on. Just now I look out of our window into the garden and think 'have I missed the daffodils they were over so quickly, the blossom on the tree is begining to fall, etc.

Yesterday I made myself go out for a walk around the lane and took photos with my phone, so I had to STOP, of the cow parsley, the bluebells, the red campions and the wild garlic. I didn't want to miss them because it is so easy when you have other things on your mind e.g. our Mum

We are off to see her this afternoon. Guess what I am still in my jim jams and was going to do a few things before I had to get ready - but - writing to you was so much better.

Gilly

Just think Gilly..... I am very sure Penny Brohn would be one happy lady to find two of her "underlings" chatting away all these very many years later,many miles apart and still lifting high her name and praising all that her name stood for.

It is a real pleasure talking about my treatment following the many operations,I only hope that I do not bore you and whomever chooses to read this!

Personally I was some 60 miles from home and simply had to grit my teeth and just "get on with it" during my 6 weeks of treatment in a dedicated Cancer Hospital.
My husband was forced to continue work at that time,firstly to pay the mortgage and keep a roof over our heads,whilst secondly, if he had not turned up back then,work was scarce...... and there were plenty more willing to jump into his position.
So we only met late on a Friday when he would drive up to collect me,have a coffee together and then drive home,he would return to work over the weekend but would always make sure he could return me to the Hospital first thing on Monday.
Then he raced back to his work.

The little time we shared was highly beneficial and gave us enough uplift ........just.......to cope,each of us dealing with our own fears and worries.
There was no other family members and so we relied so much on each other.
We so badly that little "me time".

Although we were all told to rest at home,I was always the one that "did my own thing".
We lived in this lovely resort and our home was simply yards from the little bay, that in turn led to the bigger beach and Village proper.
Every single weekend I made it my "duty" to walk the entire length of both beaches,just tip toeing in the water as I would walk along, musing and delighting in the fact I was out in my beloved fresh air...........and walking my favourite beach.......before then retracing my steps back to the sanctuary called home.
What I noticed almost right away was this simple fact I was very aware of the beauty all around me.........never had the sea being so deeply blue,the surrounding pines so richly green........everything was taking on this superb fresh hue and it totally enthralled me.It was as though my senses had again been reawakened.
I walked as if I was walking on cloud nine,a great experience I can assure you.

Back at the Hospital there we were all 9 of us,differing ages and from all walks of life,indeed it was not per chance I wrote we were a mixed group from millionaire to pauper...........because although only 9 but indeed two of the men fell into this one catagory.

We were billeted in an old Hospital, with a simple dormer for ladies and another for the gents,shared bathing facilities and a very pleasant communal sitting cum dining room where we spent most of our time after treatment............and my word yes I keep saying how talking is cathartic............this I know so well from those 6 weeks.............. when we talked and we talked.

It mattered not that this gentleman lived in a mansion and had probably more cash than the rest of us put together............he was a delightful man whom was scared to death with his first brush with cancer,and it seemed that I.....as the younger member, but one whom was now having her 4th cancer treated ........was the one that seemed to give him hope to fight the good fight with all he could muster.
The poor pauper had so little and yet he proved the most helpful there,kindness itself as he reached out to assist his fellow men,one whom was on crutches.

It was after our "release" that some of us were able to help this dear man by arranging to meet at the flat where he had barely a stick of furniture,certainly nothing to make the place comfy and a real home.
However by the time a few of us were finished, he had every comfort and a place he could proudly call home.

Very very sadly both these men,and the chap on crutches were the first to lose their lives out of this great group of 9.

People reached out to me too,I was offered such kindness...... because knowing my DH was busily tied up with work,I was taken out for a little drive with a tea out on the odd day,another time it would be a trip to the beach and an ice cream.
It all meant so very much and it was this kind of reaching out that bonded us so well as a little group.

Amongst us was one beautiful singer,a lady who feared her cancer more than anyone of us ladies, and was having a particular difficult time amongst us.
However apart from all our talking and exchanging views on the world..... and more!!! we laughed until oft times the tears would roll down our cheeks!!
There was NO doom and gloom believe me.

Then we would have a sing song and when this lady broke into......."One day at a time Sweet Jesus" the whole room would go perfectly still,and yes those words spoke to each of our hearts, whether a Christian or not..........in fact it became our theme song..........and although that dear lady is no longer with us, that song brings back her face as vividly as though it were just yesterday.

I was on my strict Bristol diet and on arriving went straight to remind the Sister in charge of this.
What a treat it was to have this huge beautifully overflowing platter...... especially set out just for me sent up from the Chefs each and every day.As we all sat around the table it soon became the talking point and had many mouths virtually drooling!!!
It is my pleasure saying that within that first fortnight each and everyone had been converted.......... and we were ALL enjoying the same Bristol Cancer Diet!!

A time that I had fully expected to be a virtual "Hell on earth" in fact turned out to be very precious,many life time friendships were made,and indeed our little group was very well liked within the treatment areas as we were always smiling and jolly,willing to reach out and help those struggling to cope........and all having their own various issues.

It was due to my own aggressive treatments that I ended up with one breast area very badly burned,red and raw.No treatments seemed to work so I was advised to "go starkers" up top.
With men in our group of course this was not possible and so I suffered in silence.
Not for long though.This little lady travelled many miles daily to spend the afternoon with her husband,one of our 9.........on hearing.....and seeing the state I was in without a word she headed off down town.
It seems she had trawled the stores picking up oversized cotton kaftans,presenting me with them on returning...............well and truly a wonderful totally unexpected gesture that truly saved my dilemma.
I was able to let the air flow but protect my modesty at the same time.Indeed I was deeply touched that a comparative stranger should reach out this way..... just for me.
I think a few tears may well have been shed in the light of such caring.!!!

I don`t think I need add but this lady now in her mid 90`s is my dearest friend.

Indeed the memories are flooding in faster than my hand can write!!!

A big thank you Gilly for giving me this opportunity.......and bless you, as obviously we both have precious memories of not such a great disease, but it just goes to show you.............it is far from misery all the way and a great deal of blessings come to light as you travel ever onwards... and............yes upwards all the way.

Staying at the Penny Brohn centre was, in a way, not easy as there were others who amazingly came from even different countries i.e. Germany and Ireland. We were having to face why we were there but we had all come voluntary. Interestingly medical staff also came for seminars from the hospital. So it was the embracing of the two that was comforting. (I still to this day take the vitamins recommended my Penny Brohn - I am afraid diet slipped but try to be very sensible.)

You can have the support of family but for me I know it was happening to me and I had to choose my own way of dealing with it. Our daughter was Sectioned so - I can remember having a massage - suddenly the tears would not stop. Her eldest son stayed with us and her younger son stayed with my Mum. We managed as a family to support.

I had no power to help our daughters mental struggle - it was her own terrible battle she was dealing with.

I experienced 'healing' for the first time and it did allow me to 'switch off' all those thoughts.

So in those days I found at night the Penny Brohn meditation tapes, via earphones, helped drown some of those negative thoughts and create pleasant images.

Yes - I remember that first day coming out of the hospital with them giving me lots of leaflets and it felt so unreal. What did I do when I came home and seeing them on the table and thinking this can't be happening - I filed them in their very own file! That file became very thick as I gathered more information and my 'questions' this was my power over the situation.

It is interesting how we all cope. Something that sticks in my mind was being in the waiting room to be called for my chemo and saw two ladies who said they were sisters. One looked very poorly and I assumed she was the one who needed her chemo. When we were called it was the one who looked well was having the chemo! We got chatting and the one 'hooked' up said I don't want to know anything about this cancer - my sister has all the info and asks the questions! IF - I want to know anything in the future I will ask but in the meantime I just switch off.

Another lady when we were having our Herceptin was in her own world with her bag of crisps, can of drink and playing some game.

As you say cancer can come to anyone of us. Just annoying if you have never smoked, drank or taken drugs. BUT - I think taking on board stress doesn't help us one bit -so-I have a notice pinned by my laptop.

'If a situation is such that you can do something about it, there is no need to worry. If it is not fixable, there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever. '

With me I have to make sure I can't do something i.e. 'fix it' and that is my problem - so hard to switch off.

So good to chat - sending you a cyber hug. Gilly

What an amazing achievement Panache - many would have no stamina or tenacity to do half of what you have done with such adverse health conditions. It's truly inspiring that there are people like you around to help those through the ups and downs of cancer treatment.

I am deeply touched Gilly123 but more than interested in that we both felt the need for the same influence as we faced our cancer diagnoses .

Having found the severe shortage of any advice,back up,support etc when nursing my Foster Mother......and in such dire need.... I just knew when I was also diagnosed not too long after her death that there must be others feeling much the same,something needed addressing,and fast.

Penny Brohn was a life saver in my instance,as obviously in yours,she spoke with such simplicity and honesty,you knew instinctively she understood and so you had no qualms in taking aboard her advice......just as you did and as I did too.

My husband cleared out our entire larder and we started from scratch following their Bristol Cancer diet to the T......for two long years we both followed without putting a single foot wrong.Although my Consultant was initially rather dubious,I think he saw in me someone whom believed with all their heart, and although happy to follow the conventional route to a point, I so wanted to add complimentary therapy ..... and so he gave me his blessing,although kept monitoring me every step of the way.
Having undergone so much surgery followed by aggressive radiotherapy I was certainly in a very low place with a shattered immune system and extremely weak.
However all along, I kept my spirits up, aided by this diet and I firmly believe it to be the catalyst that most benefited me and brought me through all those cancers.

We certainly have much to thank Penny Brohn for,and of course the whole team. I do believe the initial seeds for our Cancer Support Group and then Cancer Care Centre were born from these beginnings......and from those early seeds great things followed although yes,it involved much hard work,a great deal of begging for donations and then hearts that had dedicated never to give up!

Three big cheers to the legacy of Penny Brohn and her team....... whilst may you have good health from here on in Gilly

Oh! Panache - what a wonderful person you are. Your story although obviously not the same surely is similar to Penny Brohn and what came from her personal experience?

People such as you go beyond the 'pain both physical and mental' they are suffering and find the strength to help others because they 'know' what is needed. To have that power to rise above your own health battles is truly amazing. I know as you have said you have had the wonderful support of her husband and our husbands suffer in their own way watching us go through this.

I was privileged to meet Pat Pilkington when I stayed at the Penny Brohn center and she would just chat to you as though you have always known her and she was there for you.

It is strange but one thing I disliked was when I was told by the the consultant in the hospital I went to for the 'One Stop Shop' diagnosis was 'You are now going on a 'cancer journey'. It was a phrase I disliked - journeys should be fun. Anyway I didn't want to go on a journey I wanted to go back to work and get on with life like the day before!

Several things happened within the next few days leading up to my admission. I did my research and got my questions ready at the pre-op appointment. Resulting in I got myself out of that hospital, will not go into the details as to why but I knew I couldn't deal with them and my cancer, we didn't 'sing' as they say from the same hymn sheet. (I am not religious but the phrase suits the situation.)

Looking back I don't know how I did it - nearly sent myself 'around the bend' with my husband panicking because I was refusing the op the next day and instead finding a hospital I felt safe in. I got myself into Bristol and the first meeting with the consultant - I knew - I would stay there.

Bristol was a long way to travel - but - I knew they could help me and they even let me see a psychologist and she was lovely. I did not have any support groups on my doorstep as we live in an isolated village. To have had one of your welcoming centers nearby - what a haven!

At the end of the day it is about finding the support that suits you - we don't all like the same - here at 'gransnet' is an example of what works for many and has already helped me.

Can I say 'thank you' for being you and my very best wishes to you and your husband. Gilly

Well done Panache ( and a great name too!)
Will keep fingers crossed for you, as you go through another worrying time.

You and your friends are truly amazing, Panache.

Oh *Panache *so in awe of your amazing strength,what a truly wonderful person you are,to go through so much yet think of others is commendable! Sending you love&hugs,if there where more people like you this world would be an amazing place!x

You are inspirational. As someone at the start of the long treatment route your determination and good spirit will spur me along during the dark days. Bless you xx

Panache, Gransnet is a better place for having you on board. Thank you for your inspiring blog. [sunshine

Thank you all for your kind words, although please believe me, this was written only to reach out to help,perhaps steer others facing these unpleasant problems who maybe finding it difficult to find a clear path through the morass.
I hope it does offer that help to those in need.

An amazing story Panache. What a lot you have achieved despite illness and hardship.

I'm full of admiration for you, and your determined attitude. And the effort you're putting into helping others.
Things have certainly changed for the better since those days when people wouldn't say the word cancer, and kept it hidden from others.
Keep posting on here, you're an inspiration. And wishing you strength to go on fighting.

I am so in awe of you and your amazing work, you are truly an inspiration

The PEN is mightier than the Sword--Panache+

Slainte+

Lost for words Panache do not seem enough
???xx

What an amazing and uplifting account. You are an inspiration!

What an amazing woman you are.