Care home of the future

What a pity Donald Pleasance is no longer with us. Wasn't he a master forger in The Great Escape?

All relying on you then Ella

Can it be somewhere waarm please?

Anno I'll take care of that, I was a PC and worked in a bank!

Let's face it, soop, we'll be printing our own money. Anyone know any retired master forgers?

merlotgran ...don't worry about money. We'll have our own on-site [honest] banker and he'll be a whizz with figures!

Only once a week, Alison to keep the men out of our hair while we have a pampering session. The money saved on a groundsman will pay for it.

Well said, jeni

Masseur? NOT masseuse!

...and a beautician/hairdresser [for pampering purposes]. Clean sheets every night. A laundry person to wash/press our gladrags. A coach to take us all on fun-day-trips. A special little room attached to our own, for the comfort of pets....back soon

soop yes, how could I forget the coktails!

I would like to choose "the old geezers" with whom I shall spend any time [I'm forced to] in a retirement home. I would find it impossible to select a handful from you lot because you'd all finish up on my list. I would insist on a wee cosy bar...for cocktails. A candle-lit dining room [so flattering]. A dance floor [with a youthful trio playing tunes like 'Misty'. A comfortable cinema [showing the films of our choice]. A marvellous library [with squidgy leather sofas]. Spacious lifts to all floors. Fresh flowers only. Open fireplace for sitting round on cold winter nights. Breakfast in bed [served by a handsome young-ish man.] Huge spa-like tubs [for splashing around in.] A glorious terrace with luxury furnishings and plenty of fragrant potted plants. A manicured lawn for playing croquet. A studio for those wishing to paint or sculpt. A music room with a grand piano...for sing-songs. I really do NOT expect too much. Simple pleasures are surely what each of us DESERVE.

May I have a soundproofed room please? I don't want to hear the old geezer next door snoring or muttering and I don't want to disturb anyone when I am having a party at 2 am.

Don't say 'we' when you mean 'you' as in 'we had a fall today didn't we?'

merlot not sure I want you and your gang mowing the lawn all day every day when I want to lie in the sun. How about a wheelchair race track instead?

Drinks available at all times. Please don't give me a coffee at 10.30am just because 'that's the time we serve coffee'. I may not want it then but I might want it at 11am or I might want that one and another at 11.00am.

Don't shout at me unless you're sure I'm deaf and that's how I want to be spoken to. I may be a good lip reader and shouting distorts the mouth.

Don't make me go to bed at a set time. I'm a grown up not a child. I can decide how much sleep I need.

Please make sure the toilets are checked and cleaned regularly. I know some people are not as accurate as me.

Don't ever serve me with boiled fish or liver and onions!

One home my husband visits has a photo of each resident outside their door with a list of relevant things eg how they like to be addressed, things they used to do, how many children/grandchildren/greatgrandchildren they have and what is important to them now. I keep trying to get this started in my Mum's home but they are very resistant. My mum's list would say 'I like to wear lipstick at all times' right at the top.

I have my doubts about that, Anno! All these strong women, with equally strong ideas on how things should be done.....recipe for disaster!

Me too, Faye. How about a Gransnet commune?

I would get homesick stuck in a nursing home!

Why are sheds only for the men? I'd want one of my own - I have two here! and considering another if my gardener is selling it - for a potting shed/workshop

Notso, I like the idea of residents' photos. if I have to go into hospital I always take a photo of myself with grandchildren. Ostensibly this is to show the grandchildren but really it is to show ME. I was once patronisingly asked 'Did I use a stick at home?', to which I replied 'no, at home I ride a bicycle.'You don't look your best in a hospital or carehome bed.

I would add personal washing machines so if you lost half of something it would be there next time.
Frequently changed bedding and not worn out stuff but crisp and clean smelling - and IRONED.
The sheds for the men would be a great communal thing for them - a bottle of watered down beer or wine so they didn't get too uncontrollable and a few garden chairs - an air fresher that smells of oil - they would be sorted.
I would want someone to make sure my toe nails were painted nicely and the face was hairless!!

On site banking/post office. I don't want to have to say thank you to anyone for getting me my money
Tai Chi
Qualified chin whisker puller on duty each day
Individual access to all the latest technology
Subsidised bar
Don't ever call me dear or pet or love. I have a name.
Don't wake me up to give me sleeping tablets
I want my own underwear drawer. I don't want to wear communal Sloggis!

Residents photographs mounted on the wall in the staff room with a mini biography underneath each photo. This lady was a GP for 30 years/This lady ran marathons for charity/This gentleman was a roadie for a world famous pop group/This gentleman was a fire-fighter for 25 years Just to make sure they remember we were not always ill, infirm, wobbly and dependent.

When thinking of bingo and singing such songs as Daisy,Daisy which is all some homes provide, I always used to wonder what happens to the old people who like Mozart and chess?

Lots of this is available in my Mum's home but it somehow just misses the mark

A 'galloper' roundabout like the one they have at Bressingham Gardens near Diss (Norfolk), - hoist will be neccessary but all part of the fun. The music will have everyone tapping their feet - good physio!
A candy floss stall - All the residents can have a go and get it stuck in their hair (if they have any).
Formula 1 ride-on mower racing.
Free range chickens.
Happy hour.