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Care & carers

Feeling overwhelmed

(70 Posts)
Nanna58 Tue 20-Oct-20 13:47:03

My husband has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, knew really that’s what it was. I already care for my 94 year old mother who has it too. Still a bit raw and I’m sure I’ll feel less hopeless in a bit, but I just don’t know if I’ve got it in me to cope with all this. Any advice from you wise and caring people would be much appreciated.

Callistemon Tue 20-Oct-20 14:38:55

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that I read your post and I'm very sorry to hear that; life seems so unfair sometimes. You've been coping with your mother and now to find your husband has it too must be difficult to bear.

I hope someone will post soon with more help.

silverlining48 Tue 20-Oct-20 14:40:48

Hello Nanna58 Just wanting to say how sorry I am. Alzheimers is cruel as you already know, but its still a shock when its actually diagnosed. Give yourself a bit of time just to get your thoughts together, is there anyone you can ring to talk to? My best wishes flowers

fiorentina51 Tue 20-Oct-20 14:44:50

So sorry to hear about this. I've not been in your exact situation, though I have experience of caring for family members with dementia. I suspect you already know about support in your area as you say your mother has Alzheimers and you care for her.
Here are a few websites we found useful..

Try to get as much support as you can and take care of yourself. 💐

Jaxjacky Tue 20-Oct-20 15:00:36

I’m so sorry to hear this, I would suggest you make contact with your local mental health nurse, your GP may have details, also adult social worker at your local authority. You will need to make sur you have as much help as possible, including time, the Admiral helpline may help too

GrandmaMoira Tue 20-Oct-20 15:32:35

I'm sorry to hear about this. I've not dealt with dementia but been a carer and caring for two people must be very difficult. My sympathies.

GillT57 Tue 20-Oct-20 15:35:58

I didn't want to read and run, just to let you know you have my sympathy; I have dealt with both parents with Alzheimer's, but not at the same time. If it is any help, offload on here, many people have found it helpful. flowers

Ohmother Tue 20-Oct-20 15:38:19

Contact your local support group and take all the support and respite you can. You will do a better job if you can have some ‘me’ time. It’s not being selfish; it’s being sensible! 💐

winterwhite Tue 20-Oct-20 15:56:52

I'm another who couldn't read and run. Keep yourself fit to fight is the only piece of advice I can think of. You may well have to fight - well anyway, push - to get the help you need and are entitled to. You don't say whether you have family nearby who can help, or contribute financially to extra paid help.
There are some knowledgeable people on these threads. I wish I was one of them.

Sar53 Tue 20-Oct-20 16:34:16

Nanna58 I'm so sorry to hear your news. Both of my parents had dementia at different times and I know how tough it is on the one doing the caring.
Please come on here and you will get lots of support from all the lovely grans. Please look after yourself flowers xx

PinkCakes Tue 20-Oct-20 19:13:52

That's really sad. My brother is awaiting a medical diagnosis for his wife, who shows all the signs of having dementia.

Get as much information and help as you can. AgeUK, Alzheimer's Society and Crossroads Care are good for support.

Best of luck x

crazyH Tue 20-Oct-20 19:19:16


BlueBelle Tue 20-Oct-20 20:07:38

Oh another who can’t give more advice than has been given but having looked after a Nan with it then my mum I would just like to send you a big hug and say as others have said take whatever help you are able to find ..befrienders, volunteers who will sit with your man while you take a break anything and everything and pop on here when you can hopefully we can give you a few laughs or a break away from the hard work and a bit of support and a virtually hug or two

Nanna58 Tue 20-Oct-20 23:02:24

Many , many thanks for your kind words. I do have family willing to help but who may not be able to due to the tier rules with this damn virus. I shall have to check for what may be allowed under welfare/ compassion exemptions. The worst thing really is how my husband feels so guilty and keeps saying he’s sorry for being the cause of hardship, even though we keep trying to tell him it isn’t so. A good man.

Hetty58 Tue 20-Oct-20 23:30:21

We all just do what we can, when we can, one day at a time. What we are capable of varies daily and according to our personalities.

We aim for perfection - then beat ourselves up when we 'fail'. Often, our efforts are truly superhuman, yet still we don't pat ourselves on the back.

We accept that we're expected to be carer, wage earner, mother, chief cook and bottlewasher - all at once.

We exhaust ourselves then feel so terribly guilty about a sharp word to the invalid.

We know we need help but pride prevents us from even asking, so we battle on, beyond all reason - often to the point of making ourselves ill.

One day, we realise we simply can't continue, are forced to ask for assistance - and there it is, a solution, maybe temporary, but enough to give us a break, to evaluate, to admit our limits as human beings.

(My advice would be 'Look after yourself and ask for help sooner - rather than later')

Fuchsiarose Mon 09-Nov-20 02:40:45

Ask your doctor for a carers assessment. As you now have two to care for. I have been a carer for three family members in the past

Sparklefizz Mon 09-Nov-20 10:02:33

I didn't want to scroll on past. I have nothing of experience to offer, but just wanted to send my best wishes and sympathies for the situation you find yourself in.

Look after yourself. flowers

Aepgirl Mon 09-Nov-20 10:06:42

Nanna58, all I can say is how sorry you have got to cope like this. I do hope you take any help that is offered - don’t feel too proud. Your husband and mother both need you, so you’ve got to look after yourself also.
My best wishes to you..

luluaugust Mon 09-Nov-20 10:09:01

Just sending best wishes and hope you find the support you need flowers

SusieFlo Mon 09-Nov-20 10:10:33

I too have no experience but wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you. The advice others have added sounds good. Hugs to you. X

sarahanew Mon 09-Nov-20 10:10:47

Can you get carers in to help with either? It would take the burden from you a little. Look for any support groups you can (at this time online). Speak to your GP and ask what support is available for you

GreenGran78 Mon 09-Nov-20 10:22:20

You must be feeling very overwhelmed right now. i only have experience of caring for my late husband after a stroke, and can't imagine being in your situation. It must be awful for your DH too.
I hope that you will get all the help possible. Thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Alexa Mon 09-Nov-20 10:24:34

Nana58, I wish I could help you. I agree, look after yourself.

TillyWhiz Mon 09-Nov-20 10:28:49

I'm so sorry. Though you may not be Wiltshire of course there is a lot of helpful advice for you on this site and you should hopefully be be able to source then what is available in your area

Luckygirl Mon 09-Nov-20 10:34:29

I am so sorry about your OH's diagnosis and also that he is at the stage where he is aware of this and what it might mean for both of you in the future. Such a very hard situation.

I was in that same position with my OH who had PD and, as a doctor, knew only too well what the future might hold in the long term. When it came to it, he was too locked up in his paranoia to worry about the effects on me, so he was spared that worry.

I do think it is too much for you to look after both your mother and your OH (when care becomes appropriate). I also think you should contact your local SSD to look at care options for your mother; and seek support for you and OH from the organisations that have been outlined above.

Above all else you MUST build in care and support for YOU that allows you to do some of the things that you enjoy. My lengthy stint of caring for my OH was pre-covid so I was able to get out and about and do things that helped me to stay sane - I organised a sitter to be with my OH whilst I did those, and as the illness progressed a carer. It was an absolute priority.