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Handholding required please

(81 Posts)
tingaloo Wed 19-Oct-11 19:51:47

I feel as if I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.
My first grandchild was born ten days ago. He is gorgeous, and I am totally in love.
DH has just been given an urgent appointment at the local hospital chest clinic after a lung CT scan. The GP says his lungs are "a mess", and that it could be lung cancer. He reckoned he would have about 5 years. The appointment is next Monday. DH refuses to discuss it until the appointment, but I can tell he is not sleeping as neither am I. We are lying in silence with him refusing to communicate.
I am just so full of adrenaline. I will be able to cope with bad news - it is just not being able to communicate, and waiting til Monday.

Gally Wed 19-Oct-11 20:25:11

Tingaloo. So very sorry to hear this. Such happiness with your newborn grandchild and then this. Life is not fair is it? I can only tell you that when Mr. G. had terrible heart problems and I was afraid of what was to come, something, I don't know what it is, takes over and you get through it. In our case, things turned out ok although I never know when another problem might arise but I do understand that in yours, it may not be the same. I think you've just got to be there for him and do what he want - go with the flow. If he doesn't want to talk, then no point in pushing. He will eventually in his own time, probably after the consultation. Is there anyone you can talk to and share your worries? Family or friend? Can anyone at the surgery help? Just remember, that these days so much more can be done, so remain totally positive for him and for you. You will get so much help and reassurance from everyone on GN.

GoldenGran Wed 19-Oct-11 20:25:15

tingaloo here's my hand. You poor things, how sad.First the wonderful joy of your firs grandchild and then the shock of your husband's illness. Your husband sounds as though he is still in shock, and I think all you can do is give him as much love and support as you can. Most men find it hard to talk about things like this, and I don't think you can or should make him. It is early days and as time goes on he may communicate more. This is so hard on you, are you near your grandchild, hugging a baby is one of life's joys. Keep strong, keep in touch, x.

Ariadne Wed 19-Oct-11 20:27:49

My hand too - can't even imagine what you are going through. We are all here. X

Carol Wed 19-Oct-11 20:34:35

Hello Tingaloo. This is quite an overwhelming situation. I have just been through this sort of experience with my sister, who has had a very rocky ride, in and out of hospital and an extra, unexpected operation. She is gradually recovering and I am thankful every day that she is there. Your thinking shifts in such circumstances and I don't know where the strength comes from, but it does. Each day can be quite different and I have found that we have been able to say positive, caring things to each other that this awful situation has given to us. We are closer and more able to speak of the unimaginable now, and this is what I wish for you. Keep yourselves busy until the appointment, tire yourself out so you can sleep, and behave as though you expect to come through this. The blessing of your grandchild being born while he is still around cannot be underestimated. There will still be moments and hours of joy and laughter, even if he is very ill. Best wishes xx

tingaloo Wed 19-Oct-11 20:42:27

Thank you everyone for your kind words. They mean a lot. I feel I will be able to be strong once we know. Monday seems a long way away.

lucid Wed 19-Oct-11 21:05:48

tingaloo you brought tears to my eyes...I was in this very situation 11years ago, different cancer, but I do know what you're going through. Our 3rd GC hadn't been born when we discovered my DH had cancer but knowing that he was on the way helped enormously. Don't push the communication, we found just holding hands helped....there isn't really much to say until you know for definite and then there will be plenty to discuss. I found that writing down how I felt and what I thought helped me....I expect your DH isn't ready to talk yet.
Holding out my hand to help you through.......

glammanana Wed 19-Oct-11 21:19:11

tingaloohow sad I was to read your post,your DH will be going through a period where he cannot see an ending to,I know I have been there and it is very very scary,you are frightened to say anything to anyone including your nearest and dearest and all you forsee is a black hole in front of you.This will lift I promise you and your DH will come out fighting and the stronger for it,there are so many good and effective treatment's available now so be guilded by the hospital as to the best for your DH,hugs to you and enjoy your new grandchild,by the way my treatment was 21 yrs ago and still going strong.x

bagitha Wed 19-Oct-11 21:30:41

My thoughts are with you too, tingaloo. When he's ready your husband will lean on you and you can lean on us. xx

glassortwo Wed 19-Oct-11 21:33:48

tinga such sadness and joy in one fell swoop, just be there for your DH, he is in shock and will talk when he is ready. We are all here when you need someone to shout at, to talk to or just to chat, sending you a big hug x

gracesmum Wed 19-Oct-11 21:34:20

Here's another hand - you have a lot of understanding on site and advice if you are able to take it. I think your partner will be in shock for some time and as others have said, men are not always as good as women at articulating their feelings, he is not shutting you out, but not ready to talk. He too has become a grandfather and may be wondering if he will live to see the little fella grow up as well as worrying about you and how you will cope. He is also terrified deep down (or on the surface) and I think just reaching out with a hand and a hug speaks volumes and is easier to cope with than too many words especially when you don't know quite what to say.
My DH has already used up at least 4 of his 9 lives and I wonder how he copes so pragmatically with each crisis as it occurs, but he tries to see everything from a positive angle - basically he was lucky to have survived the first problem 15 years ago, but that is not the point. You have had 2 massive emotional experiences in a short time - take time to allow yourselves to settle down, to ask, if necessary "OK, what are you going to do about it?" and to face whatever the future brings together. As others have said, modern medicine can work wonders and we no longer need fear "the big C" in the way people used to. Big hugxx

Annika Wed 19-Oct-11 21:44:20

tingaloo I am so sorry to hear your sad news there are no rules to follow how to get through this. You have had the joy in meeting your new grandson and then this terrible news about DH, it must be so hard to know how to cope with it,DH must be feeling he is on a rollercoaster with emotions going from the love of his new grandson and fear about what is facing you both in the near future.
He will talk to you about it when he has sorted it out in his own mind first, not only is he worried about his health he will also be worried about you.
You know that everyone here will be wishing you both the very best news you could hope for, we are here for you.
Here is my hand it will be here when ever you need it ...

yogagran Wed 19-Oct-11 21:58:23

And another hand from me too tingaloo - we are all supporting you and wishing you strength. Come back to us whenever you need to talk x

Libradi Wed 19-Oct-11 22:43:20

Nothing more I can add but just to say - 'Thinking of you tingaloo' x

Notsogrand Wed 19-Oct-11 22:50:03

Another hand here tinga, and a big hug. x

Grumpyoldwoman Wed 19-Oct-11 23:32:03

Congratulations on the new sorry to hear about your DH.
Take care of yourself too.
Here is a hand and a big (((((((((hug)))))))))) xx

Sewsilver Wed 19-Oct-11 23:53:20

So sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Will think about you both on Monday.

nannym Thu 20-Oct-11 06:48:32

Adding my love, sympathy, hugs and support. Keep in touch. xxx

Faye Thu 20-Oct-11 07:34:17

Here is another hand tingaloo and lots of hugs. Waiting for Monday must be hard..let us know how things go. xxx

susiecb Thu 20-Oct-11 09:42:01

Another hand a hug here Tingaloo - it could be a number of things not just cancer and so much can be done these days. Hold each other tight and cuddle that grandbaby. Lots of love xxxxx

nannysgetpaid Thu 20-Oct-11 10:18:12

Thinking of you tingaloo Congratulations on your new grandson and be strong. Not knowing is always worse. You can cope once you know what you are dealing with.

nanachrissy Thu 20-Oct-11 10:25:20

Tingaloo, another hug and hand to hold and give your husband a hug too, he must be so scared. Good luck on Monday xx

harrigran Thu 20-Oct-11 13:46:02

Offering you a shoulder to lean on tingaloo Men often keep their worries to themselves and it makes it difficult to know what they are feeling. Will be thinking of you on Monday.

yogagran Thu 20-Oct-11 13:51:14

I have a DH who keeps everything to himself too, I find it very frustrating as I can tell that something is wrong but don't get to find out what confused

Jacey Thu 20-Oct-11 14:53:02

Another hand here too ...take care of yourself so that you can help/support DH when he is ready