Gransnet forums

Taking the piss - WWYD

(59 Posts)
facebook button twitter button email this page print this page
Luckygirl Tue 03-Jan-17 18:01:03

My DD is the kindest person in the universe and always wants to help others. This Xmas holiday, as well as the big family celebrations and a New Year party for all their friends, she has been looking after the 3 children of a friend while she is at work. This was not pre-planned - the friend just asked each day and my DD could not say No. To cap it all this person expects my DD to feed these children lunch and also tea (+ her!)when she comes to collect them.

I can see that my DD is run ragged and totally exhausted, and I have said to her that she needs to set some boundaries set in advance of the Easter holidays so she does not get herself into this position again. I do not want to curb her kindness; nor do I want to interfere where it is not appropriate; but they do need some peace and some family time together. She admits that; but does not want to offend.

Add in the fact that she works in the family business from home and has not had time to do this at all for the last couple of weeks.

I am sorely tempted to speak to this woman myself - in some sort of oblique way (Poor DD is quite worn out after all her running around over the holiday - I am sure you must have noticed this) but I am having to bite my tongue.

Luckygirl Tue 03-Jan-17 18:02:26

Sorry - grammar a bit garbled - I am feeling quite concerned about this.

Jalima Tue 03-Jan-17 18:26:42

WWID?
I'm not sure. Your DD will have to say 'No' politely but firmly because this could happen at every school holiday if she's not careful.
If this person offers to have your DGC during half-term so that she can get on with her own work and there is a fair reciprocation then that would be an arrangement that could be suitable.

I don't know if you should say anything - but you should certainly encourage your DD to be more assertive and to begin to say No in a positive but nice way.

www.assertiveness.org.uk/not_assertiveness.html#.WGvsb9SLRkg

There may be some tips in the link above.

But - lunch and tea - and for her too? She is really taking advantage of your DD's kind nature!

Luckygirl Tue 03-Jan-17 18:37:46

She is indeed! And I have to stand by and watch! (sits on hands/bites tongue) - thank you for the very helpful link.

J52 Tue 03-Jan-17 18:45:47

She has to say no, in the strongest terms she can. I'm sure you can support her in doing this.
My DIL was asked to mind a friend's daughter for an hour one morning, while the friend had a Drs appointment. Later that afternoon the friend returned, having taken the opportunity to go shopping! It didn't happened twice!

Jalima Tue 03-Jan-17 18:48:22

Is the friendship worth all the work?

If she is a true friend, she will see that she is taking advantage and may reciprocate by offering to have your DGC - if she is not a true friend then she may 'flounce' - but would that be a great loss?

Ana Tue 03-Jan-17 18:52:12

Very difficult though, especially if the DD isn't keen to be that assertive. Say something yourself and you risk the friend taking offence, upsetting DD and causing friction between the two of you.

Good luck!

Luckygirl Tue 03-Jan-17 18:59:48

One of the reasons why she puts up with it is that one of the boys is a close friend of her lad and they have great time together. But it is taking its toll on her.

Also my DD and her OH are quite well off (but they work their tripe out to achieve this) and people do seem to take advantage of them.

I guess my role it to bite the tongue!

trisher Tue 03-Jan-17 19:17:30

You could raise the issue of the law and child minding with your DD. Anyone looking after children could be breaking the law
Family members (i.e. grandparents, aunts, sisters, half-brothers etc) do not have to be registered. Any non-blood friends who look after your children must be registered if they look after your child for longer than two hours a day, at any time up until 6pm. Though if they care for them for less than 14 days per year, they may not be required to be registered or inspected, providing they inform Ofsted in writing at least 2 weeks prior to caring for your child.
Mumsnet have a discussion about this.
It could give your DD a way out of this if she is prepared to take it.

Grannyben Tue 03-Jan-17 19:18:09

I have to say, I really can't do confrontation so, in these circumstances, I would look when half term is in February and, the week before, come down with some bug that lingers a bit. That way, if she asks, she will have her response ready. I must say you really shouldn't become involved in saying anythingdirectly to this other woman

Jalima Tue 03-Jan-17 19:30:06

trisher's suggestion could be a good way forward without causing friction

Luckygirl Tue 03-Jan-17 19:31:27

Thanks for these ideas.

Maggiemaybe Tue 03-Jan-17 19:41:03

This friend really is taking the mick, isn't she? The entitled cheek of some people never fails to amaze me! Your poor daughter really will have to have her excuses ready next time or just be more assertive, I'm afraid - unfortunately it may end badly if you intervene.

Maggiemaybe Tue 03-Jan-17 19:42:24

Though I really can understand why you are having to sit on your hands and bite your tongue!

rosesarered Tue 03-Jan-17 20:09:57

I would not say anything at all Lucky ( it never ends well) with the person concerned.
Doing what your DD did for one day would have been enough, but more than that....!
She is being taken advantage of, sadly.Say this to her when the moment is right
( I have been there, got the t shirt, as they say) there is a nice but firm way to say no.

Jalima Tue 03-Jan-17 20:14:35

I think I would not say anything but just be very supportive to your DD. I did intervene once for DD when she was completely overwhelmed and unable to cope with an overbearing friend and her forceful mother and it didn't end well at the time, although the girls are friendly(ish) now.

Elrel Tue 03-Jan-17 20:20:38

The 'friend' doesn't (or doesn't want to) even grasp that your DD can't do her work while she's looking after the children?
Could she just have the boy who is her son's close friend? Maybe the entitled one will find other gullible people for the other two. What a cheek!

Luckygirl Tue 03-Jan-17 20:25:40

I will be there when this lady is there later this week and what I could do is casually comment that my DD is having to work very hard to catch up on all work she should have been doing over the holiday - No? Bad move?

Linsco56 Tue 03-Jan-17 20:43:43

No Lucky I don't think it would be a bad move, you're only stating a fact.

This friend will know very well the work and cost involved in looking after and feeding her kids, she is definitely taking the piss.

Some people are unbelievably brazen in their requests and expectations...I've been there and your DD will have make herself unavailable next time. Good luck.

Jalima Tue 03-Jan-17 20:47:56

It would be a good idea to be there and just play it by ear, support if needed without interfering.

rosesarered Tue 03-Jan-17 20:58:23

Lucky.....just remember to leave the baseball bat at home.grin

Ana Tue 03-Jan-17 21:13:13

I think the idea is good, Luckygirl, but would suggest not addressing the friend directly - just make some comment to your DD about falling behind with her work, in a concerned way.

It's probably important not to make the friend feel 'ganged up on'. Perhaps she's just very self-centres and hasn't considered DD's position at all.

FarNorth Tue 03-Jan-17 21:23:34

Your DD doesn't want to offend by refusing? Yet this woman has no fear of offending your DD by imposing on her.

Shortly before the Easter holidays, maybe your DD could ask the friend casually "What arrangements do you have for childcare in the holidays?"
It might be harder for her to state clearly in advance "I have no arrangements other than taking advantage of you."

In any case, your DD could then say that she won't be able to have the children, as she did at xmas, as she has a lot of work to get through and won't be able to manage it if she has extra children around.

Deedaa Tue 03-Jan-17 21:39:10

Before the Easter holidays she should let it be known that there is a big job coming up and she's not going to have any spare time. Perhaps she could ask this woman if she could have her children for a couple of days?

glammanana Tue 03-Jan-17 21:54:31

Luckygirl Where did the children stay before your DD had the pleasure of looking after them,did that arrangement fall by the wayside or is this the friends first time back at work.?

Add your message here

To post you need a valid nickname and password. Log in if you are a returning member, or join for free.

If you have forgotten your nickname or your password, you can get a reminder.