Control Issues

This must be hard for you both to navigate. Your grandsons are the beneficiaries of your love, time and any treats you supply. I cannot understand the envy that must thread along the bottom of some people’s thoughts about care for these boys. It’s not a competition!
Good luck going forward.

You don't say what exactly it is that you do while with the children that she objects to. Sweets? Treats? Presents? She may well have good reason for her perceived behaviour.

I'm not sure there is anything you can do. Some women are like that and have to control everything, including their partners. It could be that she has put your DS in a position where he has to go along with her against you. Imagine the scenario where she says it is you or her and the family.

If you have examined you conscience and are sure you have done your best, I doubt you can change the situation. There are some who think dils are always right and defend them regardless but that is not always the case as many on here have seen.

So your Grandchildren are teenagers now? so easy enough for you to say to them , sorry but that’s your parents rules ?
You can’t replace time spent with them so just enjoy their company .

What exactly are they objecting to?

A MIL is in a difficult position the child’s mother is main carer and has her opinions how to run the family, children, husband and home. MIL has greater experience but it’s not always relevant, the mother has set a routine for the children - fixed bed times, no treats, meals at a certain time and if someone else changes those rules it causes the children to say “but granny lets us”.

Those are words a mother does not want to hear, so why not just follow mums routine and save all the hassle.

Why worry what you cannot change? It causes stress, ages you and spoils enjoyment of the moment.

My house, my rules (within reason of course). Seems to work for us.

You don't seem to say exactly what the problem is. Are you giving your GC things their parents do not approve of? Occasional treats are usually no problem, but if this is a regular occurrence then their parents may well have a good reason to try and curb this aspect.

Yes, I am not clear what the problem is. Is it minor - like no sweets, or vegetarian only, or is it something major, like - well I cannot think of anything off hand.

You clearly still see the children and have them to yourselves. Looking back on three generations of being grandchildren, me, my children and now grandchildren, relationships with grandparents have been based on who the grandparents were rather than what they did for us, gave us etc. Mak it clear when refusals are based on Parents Rules, we all have them/had them.

I would suggests top constantly comparing yourself with the other grandparents, worrying about what your children's motives are and just enjoy your grandchildren in the here and now when they are with you and let the rest go hang.

The GC are, I suspect, getting the " right " attention that sadly isn't afforded by the parents.

I think it’s a bit hard to comment as your post is too vague. What specifically do they object to? And how old are the grandchildren? Toddlers or teens? Very very different kettle of fish. Can you give more specifics?

Mum and Dad are in charge and when we look after our GC we abide by their rules ...as I would have expected my parents and IL's to do with my children .

Why do people think that they can control the parents then accuse the parents of being controlling?
It’s a very enigmatic post with nothing really to go on I cannot see how you can get any help with such a vague story

Are you new, op? If so welcome.

This isn’t the same DiL that you complained about in Jsnuary is it? That DiL had only been with your son for 3 years, but in this post you mention 14 years.

I’m not sure whether you have two DiLs that are controlling or what? ?

I think, if you are genuine, you need to come back and explain.

Good post Anji maybe we wait until we hear from Canonlytry before we start investing more advicetime

I think after all this time that you should accept what they are like, it’s very hard for you to come to terms with this but 14 years is a long time and trying to do the right thing doesn’t seem to be working. I suggest you get on with your life and make the most of the time you have with your lovely gc.

We are not the parents and however much we love our gc I am afraid its their children, their rules on upbringing. So we just need to step back and make your own life.

I agree with Paddyann, if parents have rules they must be respected or you will undermine them. If the treats are sugar related then many parents now are aware of the harm too much sugar can do - more aware in fact that we were or our parents when sugar was no longer rationed.

MY dil but HER children. I've always followed her rules when looking after GD as I remember how upset I used to get when my own MIL disregarded my wishes.

Their rules, keep to them. No wonder you don't have a good relationship if you defy their wishes.

The term 'treats' is too vague for people really to respond to. There are so many things that contain sugar nowadays for example that not giving extra sweets except on special occasions if up to the parents not a temporary carer however close they are. If it is expensive things that the parents would like to give but can't afford, that might be a problem. They may just not want the children to be spoiled. If it is taking them somewhere, then that might be unreasonable as long as you are sure it is not somewhere the parents want to take them.
You say that they can't seem to accept that you want to treat the grandchildren. They will be thinking that you can't seem to accept that they don't want you to.
If it is a battle for control then they win because they are the parents so concede that battle and think about how you can enjoy your time with them without giving them treats. You don't need to buy their affection.

Dear Fil used to give DD's chocolate biscuits and lemonade for breakfast when we stayed. . They are in their 40's now and seem o.k. Obviously, it wouldn't have been good all the time but hardly mattered on a very occasional basis and was part of the fun.