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Interviews with famous people/politicians and diary extracts, not entirely serious! [smile]

(69 Posts)
lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 12:13:11

Having read two of Corbyn’s diary extracts, I went along to
Islington, but his door was firmly locked.Not wanting to waste my rail fare, I thought I would pop along to Boris’s house and try my luck, this time I would say I was a fan and wing it from there.As it happened, I didn’t need to, as half way down his path, the door was flung open and there was the great man himself.There you are, he said, come in, come in, let the interview commence, what!
I was ushered into a large and somewhat dishevelled looking kitchen, in fact a bit like Boris himself, who was dressed in black jogging trousers,and a white tee with the slogan ‘who dares wins’ in blue lettering, one black sock and one white sock on his large feet.
I commented on his socks, asking if this was a new fashion,
Haha! He cried, they were all I could find in my sock drawer.
Sitting at the scrubbed pine table that dominated the room, I pulled out my shopping list and pencil, ready to start.
What do you think of your chances to become the next PM I asked? Boris folded himself onto a chair and sighed, well, obviously he answered with an attempt at a modest smile,
I am numero uno choice and number 10 has always been my lucky number.Would you try and heal the divisions caused by Brexit if you were PM I probed, and would you
Forgive Gove for what happened last time? He ran both hands through his hair and laughed, what happened with Gove was just piffle he wheezed, and anyway there are no divisions .....that’s just fake news! You sound rather like Donald Trump there Boris, I said, he brightened at this, Oh do you think so, well, he is a bit of a role model and we are a bit similar.
I’ll let myself out I say.

Callistemon Wed 29-May-19 12:19:27

grin grin grin

keep them coming lemongrove - we need a laugh!

GrannyGravy13 Wed 29-May-19 12:32:56

Lemon your posts are getting me through a tedious wait at an overcrowded Cypriot Airport (full of fractious children- our one is angelic of course 👼🏻🤣) keep up them coming 👍🏻👍🏻

Anniebach Wed 29-May-19 12:44:48

😀 a much needed laugh, thank you lemon

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 12:44:59

At a bit of a loss what to do next and deciding that London was a bit too crowded, I took a train down to Somerset for fresh air and countryside.
Whilst there, I decided to confront Jacob Rees Mogg, or Moggy as his friends call him.This time I went prepared, wrapped my library book in brown paper and string, and carrying my parcel, approached his large imposing house and rang the bell.If challenged I would say I was a neighbour bringing wrongly delivered post.JRM answered the door, I was in luck. Ah, he said an old person bringing me a gift! Before I could say anything, he invited me in and taking the parcel, plonked it down on an antique side table.
You see, he said, to an obviously bona fide reporter who was hovering nearby and actually there for a real interview, people really love me and often come by with gifts.
I was shown into a large drawing room with swagged gold curtains and green leather sofas.He saw me admiring them
and smiled, yes, you are absolutely right he said, the exact green leather as in the House, so that even when home I may think improving thoughts!
We all sat down and Nanny came in with a large tray bearing a bone china teapot, beautiful Georgian teacups and saucers and a large seed cake. Fire away, said JRM to the reporter and she brought out her pen and pad, which surprised me until he said jovially, no technology in this house thank you very much, only pens and paper you see are allowed, in fact, if I become PM ( and at this point gave a rather girlish giggle) I shall re-introduce the quill!
He went on to outline his future policies, twenty guineas a week for every family with five or more children, heavy fines for missing mass on Sundays,compulsory National Trust membership, and many more, but by then the reporter and I had stopped listening and were just sat picking seeds out of our teeth.
Excellent! Said Moggy coming to a conclusion, be sure to genuflect on the way out won’t you?

Callistemon Wed 29-May-19 12:50:37

is there a [giggle] emoticon?

Callistemon Wed 29-May-19 12:54:08

keep 'em coming

GillT57 Wed 29-May-19 12:59:07

very clever and funny lemon, where are you going next? May I suggest Chez Farage? grin

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 13:05:09

Am waiting for others to join in.....but as it happens I just intercepted an email from McDonnell to Corbyn.

Jeremy, don’t worry about this Alistair Campbell thing, he had it coming the b*****d.Anyway, it shows that we can move quickly when we want to haha.Now, Seamus has just told me that the reason we acted fast on AC and not on other people ( as yet) is because we are doing it alphabetically. Do not, repeat do not tell anyone else that though, as it’s for your info only!

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 13:07:06

Yes Gill Funny you should mention him as I have him on my list.😁

Nonnie Wed 29-May-19 13:16:10

You should sell these!

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 13:53:34

Text from Nigel Farage to Donald Trump.

Hi Don have u got me on banquet list yet? Keep trying!!!

Text from DT to NF
Hey Nige! My people r working on it! Can’t wait to eat oysters and jellied eels with her Maj!

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 13:58:43

Intercepted email from NF to unknown person.

Another good suit ruined! Last week I spilt a pint of Guinness on it in an East end pub ( if it worked for Harold Wilson, haha) and now some idiot throws milkshake over me.I wouldn’t have minded so much had it been a strawberry one ( I bloody love those!) Still, could have been worse and it did shake me up....see what I did there?🤣
Results from voting better than I ever thought.....on course to topple the Tories now, yeah hay! See ya.

maryeliza54 Wed 29-May-19 14:05:58

Absolutely bloody brilliantl lemon

Feelingmyage55 Wed 29-May-19 14:23:35

lemongrove😂
Inspired by your ideas I decided Scotland might be too far for a day trip so I have travelled to Edinburgh for the day using my free bus pass and nipped round to Nicola Sturgeon’s abode. Would you believe she answered the door herself with a floral nylon apron over one of her good dresses? Seeing my shorthand notebook and fistful of newly sharpened pencils she look downcast. “ I am busy making shortbread to take my mind off politics. Is there no rest for the wicked?” “Is that a rhetorical question?” I replied. Och, come in for shortbread and tea. Long story short Nicola is to make a kitchen cabinet of GNs and she is confident that we can help run the country. She wants all nominations and suggestions by Friday pm ......... I thanked her and said I was heading off to John Lewis and we have just been round the ladies department doing mutual makeovers. Now we are on the rooftop cafe enjoying scones and more tea. So ...who wants to be on the cabinet and what ideas do you have?

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 15:33:32

Me, me, me! I did once sit on a kitchen cabinet, when first married ( but that’s another story) blush

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 16:22:46

Extract from John Bercow’s journal.

Just returned from a shopping trip to Harrods.The doorman
Needs retraining and I have just emailed their HR dept saying exactly that.He did open the door for me, but failed to salute and allowed the door to close too early which resulted in a bruised bottom.
Whilst there, bumped into an old aquaintance from my Lambeth days although he professed at first not to know me! Some people have very poor memories, as this happens to me a lot.I, on the other hand, could give an elephant a run for it’s money in the memory game, I never forget ( or forgive.)
Am struggling a bit with my present chapter of my memoirs, due to be published at the end of my tenure as Speaker Of The House.Luckily, I have now pushed back my departure to 2022, ( I had a lot of mail and calls begging me not to leave......by the Shadow front bench.)So, I do have time to finish the book after all.
I am at the part where I was sacked ( sacked! Can you imagine, for speaking the truth) from the Cabinet, because I agreed that there really was ‘something of the night’ about Michael Howard, as said by Anne Widdy.
Of course there was.....his parents were from Romania,
( it was only my grandparents that were from Romania)
So that can’t be said about me.
I did apologise later to him though, and asked if he would like to go out for a stake...geddit? Oh how I laughed.

MawBroonsback Wed 29-May-19 17:02:41

Gransnet at its absolute best - thank you lemongrove !gringrin

lemongrove Wed 29-May-19 19:26:26

smile
Come on folks, let’s hear your stolen diary extracts etc
Jane10 and Phoenix where are you?

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 09:57:42

Extract from Philip Hammond’s diary.

I don’t know what is going on sometimes, though naturally I strive to give the opposite effect, I find a quiet enigmatic look works best.At breakfast I found a strange thing on my plate and looked questioningly at my wife, it’s a kipper Susan said, you may enjoy it.I always have a boiled egg for breakfast with six toast soldiers arranged in a fan shape, Having things arranged just so,gives me a sense of well
being and sets me up for the day.I am put out, but decide to say nothing for the time being.You could smile more, she said ,and even laugh now and again, there’s no law against it.
I give her an enigmatic look and say yet!
Off to Westminster, I put on my favourite raincoat ( there’s no rain that I know of but better safe than sorry) grabbed my briefcase and left the house.
I decided to try out a smile on the duty policeman as I went by, but he staggered a bit and dropped his semi automatic on the pavement, I had to apologise for startling him.
Inside Westminster I went straight to my office, passing two secretaries carrying bundles of papers, I said good morning and tried out a careful grin.....one of them screamed and the other dropped her papers, so I hurried on.
Sat behind my desk, I regained my equilibrium and had a think.Susan had it all wrong, people didn’t want my smiles or grins or happy laughter, they wanted a serious mein, an
Eyeore the down at mouth donkey, a hangdog expression that says ‘trust me’ a look that speaks of a reliable family firm of undertakers.One has to be true to oneself.

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 10:08:45

Email from Donald Trump to Nigel Farage.

Hi Nige,
No news yet for you about the banquet but my guys still working on it, so you can bet your ass it’s going to happen!
Banquet....isn’t that a great word? And so English! I had to look up how to spell it btw because you actually say it as
‘Bankqet’ 🤣🤣 how funny is that!
Am so excited by the thought of this visit, riding in a golden coach waving to all my fans, I know you all love me over there,I thought I would throw signed pics of myself to the cheering crowds,whaddya think?
I just need a heads up buddy, when I greet the Queen, should I shake her hand or do the French thing, kisses on both cheeks? See you soon, it’s gonna be great!!

Anniebach Thu 30-May-19 10:11:46

Brilliant, thank you so much lemon ,

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 10:17:36

You’re welcome Annie smile

trisher Thu 30-May-19 10:54:23

OK I just happened to pass a man wearing shorts and glasses, collecting the morning newspapers the other day and this piece of paper dropped from his hands
Woke early but S was already up. She's taking some new medication which she says is better. I offered her Vit C and suggested she ran to the paper shop with me but she refused and grunted someting about deadlines and winning a leadership contest, then said "don't bugger it up this time" Spent half an hour trying to stack the dishwasher then thought why do we have the Filipino maid anyway? So left a message about the bins and went for a run and the papers. I hear someone's taking Boris to court-every cloud!

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 12:25:46

In Islington again this morning and thought I would try the back door as the front door was locked.....result! It was, so I was able to nip in and get another peek at the little red book.
Extract from Corbyn’s diary.

Just put my slice of seeded wholemeal in the toaster when my phone rings, it was my friend from Hamas! Well, I say ‘friend’ but he is more of an acquaintance really, I think I met him at a Palestinian rally somewhere, but I don’t really recollect.
Jeremy! He says happily, I have good news for you, I come to London soon in June, weather here terrible, too hot, and I need a break anyway.Hello Ismail I say, how are you? All good here
Jeremy I thank you,he replies and how are your lovely wife and children.Very well, I say (I know this will take some time, and so it proves) as he goes on to ask about the health of my dogs, my horses, my hawks my chickens etc.
After a while I tell him all well, except the chickens aren’t laying at the moment.
Then he gets to the point of the call and elaborates on his visit to London.Hamas is economising he says, and although he usually has a whole floor at one of the top hotels for him and his entourage, this time he is considering a stay at my compound.It takes a few seconds for this to sink in.But I don’t have a compound I protest, it’s just a semi with three bedrooms and a small garden.There is a silence before he laughs, long and loudly, Oh Jeremy he splutters you English and your sense of humour!
You have to say British I say, not English, it sounds a bit elitist otherwise, but he had already gone.I may have to go on a long walking holiday in June.

trisher Thu 30-May-19 15:17:17

Found somewhere in Kensington
Woke up. Wondered who the hell is this beside me???List of names whirled in my head and I picked one.... Got it right! Thank goodness! Whispered a few sweet nothings but she said she wasn't in the mood so I wondered, is it time to move on? But I know I can't. Time to stop fancying every bit of totty I see and concentrate on building a steady relationship. Apparently that's what wins votes. But you have to wonder if they will walk around in short skirts and tight tops what is a red blooded Englishman supposed to do....? Anyway I am building a new profile and doing less humour and more positive elder statesman, but it's bloody difficult. And now some Lefty twat has taken legal action against me. I thought that was why we changed the legal aid system to stop the plebs from clogging up the courts. Apparently he used something called crowdfunding to raise the cash. When I am PM I shall look into stopping that. MG is gaining ground! Memo to self -look for a good looking young journalist for next Mrs J-. Used to think having a sister in the business was enough but that's the trouble with sisters they hold grudges, about things like the time you put dead mouse in their bed (it was funny when she screamed), and take their revenge when you least expect it.

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 16:14:54

intercepted email from Diane Abbott to Jeremy Corbyn

Hey, whasssup? D’you mind if I give your talk to the revolutionary workers collective at the Dog and Duck a miss tonite? I need to catch up with a box set of something (something serious obvs.)
Aren’t things exciting at the mo? With May as good as gone
There could be a general election and you will be a truly
Marvellous PM, think of all the things you could do!
For a start you could increase police numbers, at the moment we have about 160 so you could up that to about 6 million, or should that be thousand? Something I really, really want you to do is to reinstate Wed afternoon closing,
Stop Sunday opening hours and give those poor workers a
break.
At least you won’t have to face ‘her nibs’ at PMQ’s any more!
Let’s hope Boris Johnson doesn’t win, I know you find him big and scary, little Michael Gove would be my choice.
Are we still on for the IRA celebration reunion at The Savoy?
Di 🥰xxx

Anniebach Thu 30-May-19 16:17:35

😀

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 16:33:42

Intercepted email from Vladimir Putin to Donald Trump

Hello! Greetings from Russia this fine sunny day.I see you have lots of troubles again from so many peoples! Do you carry gun at all times? I do, am crack shot you know and not need bodyguard ( although I have ten ) they surround me wherever we go, they care about me so much.
Why you not visit me here this Summer, we could have manly wrestle in woods, shoot bear, swim icy river with no
Clotheses, you would love!
I also see you are having state visit to UK soon, am wondering if you put in good word for me, there, I am not so popular since Salisbury thing went wrong ( which of course, I know nothing about) it was a misunderstanding, you know, lost in translation.
Do this for me and I return favour sometime, what is it you say, we can scratch each other backs? Must go, have judo match to take part in, and yes, I shall win.
Your friend,
Vlad

KatyK Thu 30-May-19 16:57:07

These are very clever. I won't join in. Mine would be rubbish!

mcem Thu 30-May-19 17:07:46

A valiant attempt lemon to lighten the mood! wine cheers!

Anniebach Thu 30-May-19 17:37:08

‘Lost in translation ‘, brilliant 😀

Callistemon Thu 30-May-19 18:04:26

I love the Vlad email to Don!!
grin

Callistemon Thu 30-May-19 18:07:27

and trisher grin

thank you

sodapop Thu 30-May-19 19:14:49

Brilliant Lemongrove love the Putin/ Trump one. I have not been well for the last few days and you really cheered me up.

creativeness Thu 30-May-19 19:34:36

Not been well just now & I needed some light relief great

trisher Thu 30-May-19 20:12:49

Found on Cowley Street London SW1
Dear Nanny,
You have always been, as I think you know, my dearest supporter and best defender my entire life. No wonder then at this terrible time I turn to you for the support I need. Nanny people are not being nice to me (and I have tried repeating Sticks and stones etc so many times) and Nanny it does hurt.
You always assured me Nanny that I was the best boy and that I could do anything I set my mind to and do it well. It has been your vision of me triumphing in all things that has driven me onwards. But Nanny something awful has happened. I used my extensive knowledge and my prodigious intelligence to write a book. It was about my favourite period in history and I called it "The Victorians". Alas the general public has failed to recognise my genius (I blame the state education system! Why most of them can hardly read anyway) and they have not bought my book. It isn't too bad because I did ensure I was paid in advance and I cashed the £12500 cheque some time ago. But now I am wondering Nanny I would so like to write another book, but unless I can sell some more the publishers will not give me any advances. So I just wondered next time you take the children out please could you make sure they all purchase a copy. If you could do this on a few occassions it would really give the figures a boost. Then I can ask for my next advance and start my new book "Why the Feudal System was Best".
Thank you
Love and big hugs
Jacob.

Urmstongran Thu 30-May-19 21:10:52

These are absolutely brilliant ladies!

I particularly loved the Putin to Trump one! You have the language as we we imagine it to a ‘T’ lemongrove

Very clever!
😊

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 21:24:47

It’s a bit of fun isn’t it.....and we all need a bit of light relief.
💐to sodapop and creativeness get well soon ladies.
Feelingmyage55 and trisher have joined in.....where are the rest of you? Have a go! 😃

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 21:25:41

It can be anyone well known, doesn’t have to be a politician.

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 21:48:59

Extract from HM the Queen’s diary

What an absolute disaster today has been.It started badly enough as my muesli had no raisins, none at all! Oh there were plenty of sultanas and currants and nuts, but I especially enjoy raisins.One doesn’t like to complain to servants, but I did anyway.
Paxo and Nutmeg were naughty little darlings and did wees
On the Aubusson rug in my bedroom, I rang for my maid
And she took them out for walkies while a footman cleaned up.Poor dears, they can’t help it, getting old just like their mistress.
After lunch Philip announced to us all that he was going to take a spin to Hunstanton.He had a fancy to walk on the beach there.One was horrified! Told him in no uncertain tone that was impossible and that he would need the chauffeur if he went anywhere in the car outside Sandringham.A most upsetting scene then ensued which ended in him roaring don’t tell me what to do Liz, and then
Storming out.Charles ran after him to restrain him and was punched in the eye for his trouble.
I sat serenely at the dining table, one is used to family scenes but has to rise above it.
Meghan looked horrified and Harry was grinning ( why is that boy always grinning?) I sent William after Philip, as he has a calming unfluence on him, but it was too late, as the
Landrover was already in motion and heading for the main road.It’s 10.30 pm now and he still isn’t back, that man can be so infuriating!

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 22:04:37

Intercepted email from Jeremy Corbyn to John McDonnell.

It’s me again John, I know I should be happy now that Theresa May has finally gone ( or as good as) but I had got used to her and now find myself worrying about her successor.Who will I have to face at PMQ’s come the Autumn.Boris frightens me, he’s so big and went to Eton and keeps saying things in Latin. Raab was a lawyer, and you know what they’re like, always nit picking at you to catch you out.Gove may be small, but he has a way of looking at
you while he’s smiling and talking, makes me feel like a mouse cornered by a chatty cobra.
I will be on tenterhooks now until the end of July.
I felt so anxious this evening that I had three glasses of my
Gooseberry wine, and you know that’s not like me.
Am I getting a bit too old for this malarkey do you think? I do secretly long for those quiet backbench days,when all I had to do was to veto all the bills and dream about my allotment.
I need a supportive word or two from you, where are you tonight anyway?

lemongrove Thu 30-May-19 22:09:58

Extract from an email sent by John Mc Donnell to Jeremy Corbyn.

WTF Jeremy! This is what we have been waiting for, dreaming about! Get a grip! Don’t let those b******ds get to you.F...k the Latin! Put that gooseberry sh** down and go to bed.....now!

Anniebach Thu 30-May-19 22:21:44

Brilliant, the gentle email from Corbyn and Macdonalds reply, bet queenie does take that attitude with that family 😀

lemongrove Fri 31-May-19 08:48:29

It’s hard to get the Queen’s voice really, as she doesn’t show much of her feelings in public, we can only guess!

Jane10 Fri 31-May-19 09:36:23

Intercepted email from Angela Merkel to Theresa May.
Heil there Frau May, or 'May' I call you Theresa? (hilarious German joke! I am good at these).
Sorry how things worked out for you back home. We'll all miss you on your many missions to try to get us to change our minds. What fun we all had. I realise now that this was behind your back but now you can join us all! You have a few weeks to make lots of trouble. The boys and I have some great ideas to share. We have a blow up Boris for example. (That's a suggestion for you too! More hilarious German humour.)
Anyway, the main point of this missive is to ask if I could have your jackets and huge necklaces as you won't be needing them any more and I could do with a change of image. You can look forward to retirement in your comfortable sportswear and fleeces as you and Philip spend your long days in garden centres.
Auf Weidersehen,
Angela!

trisher Fri 31-May-19 09:47:50

In the rubbish at No 10
Dear ??????
Well a few words to welcome you to your new home. Firstly the rumour that there is to be a revolving door installed is absolutely untrue (but I wouldn't bother to unpack the best china!). Now the tap in the en-suite bathroom drips unless you turn it off very firmly, and you may find this disturbs you when you lie awake at night, wondering who in the cabinet is currently planning to stab you in the back. In the winter there is a terrible draft under the study door ,we had a cute knitted -dashund draught excluder I called Angela (ha-ha). Philip says that he wouldn't bother with what it's like in the winter if he were you. He also says if it's Boris to warn you that the third stair from the top squeaks alarmingly and will wake anyone up when you return home in the early hours (how he knows this I really have no idea). We have been very happy here and we do hope you will be too. I leave knowing I have always done my best (You will be surprised at how clean the cupboards now are. They really needed bottoming when I moved in). So welcome to your new home once my home and the home (sob) I loved.
T

gillybob Fri 31-May-19 09:50:34

Dear Granny in law

Just a quick note to ask if there is any chance you and granddaddy could babysit for us on Saturday night ? I know it’s short notice but H and I have been invited around to George’s and I really, really, really want to go. I honestly wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t so desperate for a night out and a little break from nappies and feeding, you know how it is?

Trust H to mix up the nanny rota and give them all the same night off, leaving me completely stuck like this.

Anyway it’s no problem if you can’t, I’ll just get mummy to fly over for a day or two.

Love ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya

M x

Anniebach Fri 31-May-19 09:55:33

gilly. so funny,

Jane10 Fri 31-May-19 10:10:45

Naughtily leaked letter from the Worshipful company of wig makers and merkin manufacturers of Britain to Rt Hon Boris Johnston.

Dear sir,
We wish to congratulate you on your continued support for our ancient trade. Not many men who are as bald as you continue to sport a wig - and such a wig! The demand for the comedy hairpiece that you champion so bravely has, regrettably, not increased due, we think, to those people in East Enders (a Television programme). You have been so successful in your wig promotion that we now have an order from a prominent American 'politician' . However, we are having difficulty locating 'hair' of such a tough texture and unfortunate colour. But hey ho business is business as you well know.
I would like to suggest some variations to your model though. Would you consider an egg proof or milk shake proof version for your forthcoming leadership efforts? Additionally I would like to humbly suggest that we manufacture a blonde version of the 'C U Jimmy' hat for any forays that you may plan North of the border? That would be bound to allay the fears of the 'Scot Gnats' and other irritants?
Mr Johnston, you are assured of the continued support of our ancient profession.

With our best wishes for the forthcoming election,

J Smith (Bigs Wigs inc)

PS please find enclosed invoice. If not settled soon we may have to send in bailiffs to reclaim your wig. There have been a number of voluntary offers for this job.

phoenix Fri 31-May-19 11:18:31

Well, can you imagine how thrilled I was to be granted an exclusive interview with a Downing Street resident?

I was forewarned that security would be tight, but nobody thought to mention that the door would be too! It was quite a struggle getting in, I can tell you.

I regained my composure and adjusted my suit before being ushered into "the presence".

He was looking well groomed, with a slightly nonchalant air, and had opted for the "collar but no tie" look.

After exchanging a few pleasantries, I opened my notepad and went straight into the burning issue of the day.

"I understand that there is a certain amount of animosity between you and another personality and that relations between you can be fraught, to say the least?"

I was told that reports of actual fighting were exaggerated, it had merely been a sort of "Mexican standoff" although it was admitted that there had been some name calling and swearing.

I pressed on. "So, do you deny that you spat at him?"

Apparently it wasn't spitting as such, although the proximity of the two to each other did mean that some saliva may have landed on the face of the other party.

Moving on, I asked about relations with the current incumbent, and if there were any thoughts or preferences with regard to who might be next.

I was told that providing there were no drastic changes to the running of the household, it was anticipated that the installation of a new PM should go quite smoothly.

Feeling that there was not much more to be gained from the interview, I thanked him and prepared to leave.

One of his aides handed me a beautifully wrapped gift, although what I'm supposed to do with a dead mouse remains to be seen.

I popped my head back through the door to thank him, but as he had one leg in the air and was licking his bottom, I thought it best not to disturb him.

But still, it was a great privilege to meet Larry!

lemongrove Fri 31-May-19 11:22:26

Haha, wonderful! Thanks for adding your contributions,
Keep them coming.🤣

Anniebach Fri 31-May-19 11:24:56

Like it phoenix 😀

trisher Fri 31-May-19 13:26:26

Itercepted e-mail from TB to AC
Hiya!
How are you doing? Seems ages since we had a meet up. Caught you on TV the other night socking it to JC and it brought back so many memories. We had a ball didn't we???? And for a moment I wondered should we do it all again??? Must have said something out loud because C protested quite loudly that she "wasn't prepared to live in that shit-hole again". Which I thought gave me even more reason for doing it and just goes to prove that give a working class girl a taste of the good life and she'll never go back. She will always demand gold taps in the bathroom and an island in the kitchen. Anyway pleased to see that you can still make the headlines when you want to, and thought the baffled, innocent look suited you very well. (Amazing that no one pointed out you knew the rule book inside out, you'd used it so many times to keep the rabble in order). So we must have a meet up soon. Maybe you could pop round to Connaught Square (but best phone first C gets a bit fractious about people just dropping in) and we could open a bottle of Petrus. We could drink to the future of the Party (if it's got one)!! Ha-ha!!!!
All the best and thanks for the memories. Tone

Callistemon Fri 31-May-19 20:25:20

Dear Nanny

Thank you so much for your letter of congratulations on my recent success in being elected MEP for the East of England. I am so thrilled that the attention is at last focussed on me and not Jakey - can't tell you how elated I feel to have got one over on him at last!
Now, as you know, I am usually full-time mummy to my darlings but I really, really, need some help now. I know that Jakey is your favourite (don't hide it) but please, please can you bear to tear yourself away and come with me to Brussels?

Before you make your decision, I want to tell you a few home truths about Jakey. I know I've said in the press that he was a wonderful brother - but do you remember all those times you made me sit on the naughty step for squealing or making a fuss? All the time Jakey was beaming beatifically and dutifully reciting his history lessons, he was pulling my plaits - you didn't notice because he is rather devious like that. He was always your Best Boy, but, believe me, he's not The Messiah - he's a Very Naughty Boy.

So please, Nanny, would you consider coming to Brussels with me - we could have a lovely time eating Belgian chocolate, buying lace and enjoying canal trips. Nigel has assured me that this will be just a jolly and that very little work will be involved - we could even fit in a quick trip to Strasbourg too.

Please, Nanny, I do need you to fend off all those pesky Remainers

Yours for ever
Annunziata-Never-Nancy

trisher Fri 31-May-19 22:15:01

Dearest Annunziata,
Thank you for your lovely letter. But I am afraid someone has bitten off more than they can chew. Do you remember what I always said Little steps for little people and leave the giant strides to others. I must admit I was very tempted by your offer, especially the promise of chocolates and lace, but then I realised that this would mean me going abroad. Do you not remember what I always taught you, 'Britain is Best' ? (I am sure Jacob does). So unfortunately I will have to refuse your offer.
But I must issue some advice before you go. Firstly go to M&S and buy some big knickers. I am sure you have not taken up the modern concept of wearing those things called thongs, but I do suspect that since I stopped purchasing your underwear you may have slipped into something more frilly and fancy. It is simply not safe to wear such things around foreigners.
Secondly take your own tea and cutlery. They can't make the first and don't wash the second.
Thirdly when you want to be understood speak slowly and loudly in English, everyone understands that.
I am not going to make any comments about your dreadful accusations about Jacob, I warned you a long time ago that when little girls tell lies their nose grows. I think the results are obvious.
I also believe that in the very near future Jacob will need me more than ever as we may move house. He keeps saying "Hold your fire" and "Not this time the next"
I do know a very nice girl who might fit your requirements and whose head will not be turned by the EU lotharios. I will send you her details and you will safely be able to leave your children with her.
Personally I know I am really needed here particularly by darling Septimus who is like a little model of his father, so clever and obedient.
Don't forget to say your prayers.
Affectionately Nanny

Callistemon Fri 31-May-19 23:09:01

Dear Nanny

How sad you have made me feel.
I always knew that Jakey was your favourite, now confirmed alas. I'm afraid that he has managed to pull the wool over your eyes his whole life as he does so many people.
Do not be deceived.

In my spare time in Brussels, of which there will be much, I intend to write a best-selling book about the history of drawers and knickerbockers, so your advice was most timely.

Despite all, you will always be my beloved Nanny

Annunziata-Never-Nancy

ps resist the house move with all your being - I know you are allergic to cats.

lemongrove Fri 31-May-19 23:31:59

Extract from Intercepted email from Donald Tusk to Theresa May

..... and I never really had the chance to say a proper
Goodbye to you which is the great shame, as I always admired you.Yes, I know, I make joke about cake and cherries and so on, but that is just my little ways and no bad thing intended.I may also have been on the vodka that night, you know what our EU little after dinner parties are like, haha.You are always welkome ( please excuse if wrong spellings or word) even ( or if! Haha) when Brexit takes place.
When will it take place btw? So little time, so many thing to do I think. Have you decide yet on new PM, is it Boris?
We like him here, so amusing, he likes vodka alright too, which is good, also the red wine.We hoping it is him anyways.
I must be telling you what happened, haha one night after a late party, there was being me, Barnier, Merkel and Guy, and we were all helping each others along a corridor, very merry haha when of a sudden there was big crash and .......
..........

End of intercepted email extract.

lemongrove Sat 01-Jun-19 09:45:38

Email from Theresa May to Donald Tusk

Dear Mr Tusk,
Thank you for your kind message.Perhaps it was a little unwise of you to include the anecdote of what happened in the corridor, to be quite honest I was shocked! And involving Mr Junker too, you hear of these things but rarely see evidence of it.I am keeping a printed out copy, just in case it comes in useful, and will pass it on to my successor.
I was surprised by your cake and cherries jibe/jest I must admit but that is all water under the bridge now, and I am planning my Summer holiday ( away from Europe) and all the vexation of Parliament.
Do enjoy your Summer break too.
Theresa May

trisher Sat 01-Jun-19 11:46:43

Dearest Annunziata
I think the little green monster has found a place in someone's head and needs to be driven out. Envy is a sin my dearest.
Only the other day Jacob was telling me how proud he was that you have obtained a place on the other Parliament and were supporting that Mr Farage. (Although he hasn't always been complimentary about that person, who I think you should realise is not quite a gentleman).
Jacob also says if you are writing a book do please try and get a good advance from a publisher, because, he says, the public now have attrocious reading habits and don't recognise decent writing. I wish you all the best with your endeavour. (I do have some of the Chilprufe knickers you wore when you were 8, I can send them to you if it would help your research).
I think you should realise that Jacob has supported me for a long period even having six children so I could stay actively employed. (And silly me it's Sixtus not Septimus. I sometimes lose count!). He's also taken me on nice little trips around the country where I have been able to tell people how wonderful he is.
Do you think anti-histamines would help with the cat problem ? Although I must admit I have been looking more carefully at the move and I am worried that there will not be room for everyone.
You are and always will be my special little girl. Take care and watch out for that Mr Junker I have heard stories about him.
With love and care
Nanny. x

Beckett Sat 01-Jun-19 12:13:14

Intercepted text message from Jeremy Corbyn

I understand there is a mature lady wandering around London intercepting important politicians (like myself). I have not received any instruction from Momentum on how to deal with this kind of situation (you will recall I ran away from an elderly gentleman some time ago and recently from a news cameraman). Please send instruction asap as until I receive the same I will be unable to leave my bedroom.

lemongrove Mon 03-Jun-19 18:36:09

grin6

lemongrove Mon 03-Jun-19 18:36:49

The 6 was meant to be a B ( Becket) smile

lemongrove Mon 03-Jun-19 18:52:33

Intercepted email extract from Jeremy Corbyn to HM the Queen

.......Having spent all my life fighting against things that I don’t like or don’t want to do, I can’t stop now I’m afraid your Majesty.I had decline the invitation to the state banquet for * both* of those reasons, plus I like to eat early
And plain vegetarian fare only, and I hate dressing up.
When I am PM ( this year hopefully!😃) there will be no meetings by me of anyone that I don’t approve of, which sadly means half of the world at least.Hamas leaders will be welcome of course, anyone from Cuba or Venezuela etc.
Fair minded and upright people only.
I also disapprove of expensive meals and exotic fruits and flowers at the banquet, my allotment would provide organic carrots, raspberries and lupins.
Furthermore you really shouldn’t have all those chandeliers
going.....the electricity! Think of the planet.

Anniebach Mon 03-Jun-19 18:56:04

😀 lemon brilliant, thank you

Callistemon Mon 03-Jun-19 19:19:10

HM to Corbyn

You are on your last warning …..

Anniebach Mon 03-Jun-19 20:05:43

😀

trisher Tue 04-Jun-19 15:23:56

Note found in grounds of Windsor Castle
Darling M,
Just had to slip out for a bit. Going round to Granny's to check she is OK. Didn't want to wake you after A was so cranky in the night. Have a good sleep my darling and then do something really relaxing, take A for a walk in that super new pram or you could put him in the jogger buggy and try that out, you'll soon be super-fit again. I wouldn't bother watching TV if I was you it's all that Trump visit and I know how much you hate him!!!! You could go on Netfix and watch a box set (Maybe Suits Ha Ha).
If it all gets too much for you you can call on Nanny. I might be back quite late I think Granny wants me to do her a favour or something. Dad &C might be there as well, so I'll have to tell them all about A and how he is thriving. I'll probably have lunch with them so just get something for your self.
See you later snuggle-bunny
Love Hxxx

Callistemon Tue 04-Jun-19 23:22:41

Sweetie Pie

Don't worry, darling, you must pop in to see your Granny; she must be exhausted after the busy time she has had with the American visitors and especially keeping that smile plastered on her face! I expect she's enjoying a well-deserved Dubonnet and gin cocktail, sitting with her feet up.

A. has been very fretful much of the day. Nanny plonked him in front of the tv (naughty Nanny) in his bouncing chair and he started screaming. Nanny's excuse was that she thought he could look out for you as you did your duty mingling with the visitors. When he did catch a glimpse of you in the background she said that he smiled, but I think it must have been wind as she said he then saw that Mr T, went red in the face and filled his nappy. Apparently it was quite an explosion.

Miss you, love you, hurry home
Your little snuggle-bunny
xxxxx

xx from Archie