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Would/did you ?

(31 Posts)
ninathenana Mon 15-Apr-19 11:07:32

I was chatting to a good friend on Saturday about family.
She said she had never let her children sleep with their partners at her house even when they were living with their respective partners (they both went on to marry these partners)
I allowed this, if they are living together, and you know about it, what's the point in saying no. I wouldn't allow it with any random guy.
Also, she asked me something about DD's personal life and I said "I don't know, she's an adult, why would I ask her that" Oh, if it was my daughter I would definitely ask.
Opinions please.

Mamissimo Mon 15-Apr-19 11:16:22

I’m with youNina - as long as it’s a long term relationship it’s the normal way. Making them sleep apart suggests that they are doing something ‘wrong’ and sinful and might lead to a young person thinking their host has no respect for their life choices.

Asking personal questions is also a minefield unless you have a very warm and accepting and respecting relationship.

I suspect your friend has had a different life experience and has very different expectations.

nanaK54 Mon 15-Apr-19 11:17:29

Of course, I obviously expected my adult offspring to be able to make adult choices smile

Eglantine21 Mon 15-Apr-19 11:22:44

Wouldn’t have had a leg to stand on😬

Nannylovesshopping Mon 15-Apr-19 11:38:54

I had been living with my then partner at least two years,
stayed with his parents who made up two separate rooms
for us😂 her house, her rules! However in my home........

jusnoneed Mon 15-Apr-19 11:43:08

I had boyfriends stay at home when I was young, and my boys girlfriends always welcome here. They would get together regardless so I like to think they feel comfortable to be in their home.

TerriBull Mon 15-Apr-19 11:59:39

Yes! I allowed my older son's girlfriend to stay over from about 19 onwards, I did bulk at that at first when he asked if it was ok, but he was staying over at her house quite regularly and quite clearly her parents were happy with the arrangement. Their relationship lasted 4 years. I certainly wouldn't have entertained the idea of allowing that with a transitory partner. My younger son had a girlfriend in college who lived in south London and given they would stay out late in our neck of the woods slightly further out than where she lived, to go to gigs etc., and she was quite a waif of a girl, I felt uncomfortable with her going home on her own, so she too stayed over. He had a single bed in his room and I told him to give that up and sleep on the pull out bed, whether that happened or not who knows hmm A decade or so later that son has now bought a house with his girlfriend of 4 years or so, it's about 50 miles away, so when they come to stay with us, Of course I do, they've been living together for 3 years, so it would be ridiculous to put them in separate rooms.

paddyann Mon 15-Apr-19 12:10:32

mine had boyfriend s/girlfriends stay over,I never had a problem with it,It was their decision who they slept with not mine.
My mother had my sister so scared of sex she didn't consumate her marriage for nearly 6 months .I would never do that to any child of mine .My sisters GP called my mother in and gave her a real rollicking .apparently her idea of birth control with my sister(her first child) was to tell her "if you even think about having sex before you're married imagine me with a gun at your head" Pregnancy before marriage was the worst thing that could happen...shame brought on us all!! That was mums "good catholic upbringing"I hope I learned from her mistake .

Day6 Mon 15-Apr-19 12:40:57

I slept apart from my fiance when we stayed with my parents, back in the '70s. My parents were lovely but not really into the permissive society. Good girls didn't sleep with men before marriage. smile I didn't mind respecting their sensitivities.

I allowed my children to bring their partners home and stay the night when they were teenagers. I didn't approve of casual sex, or want to encourage it, so it was allowed after a time when a relationship formed. None of us know what goes on when they are out of sight, and we have no control either, but we know they are probably having sex. Might as well be safe at home and get to know who they are with. My youngest daughter ended up with the boy she brought home and my sons had long term relationships with their girlfriends. I got to know them all and like them, so I feel I was included in that part of their lives, which was good, imo, and helped me forge bonds with my young adults before they moved on and out of the family home.

Septimia Mon 15-Apr-19 13:40:01

When my DS was younger and in the early stages of relationships he and the girlfriend got different bedrooms. Since our room is on a different floor from the rest of the bedrooms, I have no idea whether they used two rooms or one! When he and his second wife were living together I gave them one room, not just because they were living together but because they were both in their 30s and old enough to know what they were doing wink.

ninathenana Mon 15-Apr-19 13:50:19

One child was sharing a flat with partner whilst at uni. The other was buying a house with partner and was married all but the piece of paper.
I know my friend didn't approve of that.

Mycatisahacker Mon 15-Apr-19 13:53:32

Mine were allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends sleeping over from 16 onwards. I trusted them to not treat partners with disrespect or us with disrespect. They never did. We always talked about sex and more importantly relationships and respect and condoms were in the bathroom draw.

My 4 have happy healthy relationships now.

My mother told my sister and I that you couldn’t get pregnant unless you were married!!! Totally stupid and lazy parenting and thankfully we had more sense.

Your friend sounds weirdly controlling and involved in her dds life. Yeuk!

Mycatisahacker Mon 15-Apr-19 13:57:31

I often read on here and mumsnet that parents won’t let ‘random guys’ stop at their house with their dds. Fair play.

But in my experience the girls and lads brought up to see one night stands as disgusting tend to do them far more. The ones brought up saying one night stands are acceptable but generally sad actually strive for longer relationships and have a higher bar.

TerriBull Mon 15-Apr-19 14:26:59

I do remember the college girlfriend that we let stay over with our son when they were doing A levels who I found out had a propensity to lie in, not unusual at that age I suppose, but my son had a Saturday job before he went off to university and had to get up about 7.44. On one occasion, he and girlfriend had been out the night before. I did say to him perhaps he could get her up to leave with him when he left for work at around 8.30, bearing in mind the station is 5 minutes away and he had to walk past it. My son asked if she could just lie in for a bit longer after he left, "OK" I said grudgingly thinking she'll be gone by 10 at the latest. We had to got out in the morning. That afternoon we had a painter decorator coming round to give us a quote, had forgotten about girlfriend, presumed she'd gone, hadn't checked as son's bedroom was up on the 3rd floor of our house. So I show painter into the rooms I wanted decorating including my son's, it's mid afternoon by now, we go into son's bedroom to discuss what we wanted done, we were talking away and became aware that the duvet was moving around of its own accord, out pops her head, it seems we'd woken her up, only 3pm shock frightfully tired apparently! My son did admit after they had broken up she was lazy, which didn't surprise me when I asked her if she was studying hard for finals, she said "no I really don't want to stress myself" She didn't get the grades she wanted for her initial choice of uni. Anyway, I gather she's a chilled out yoga teacher in Australia now. So hopefully not stressed at all and getting plenty of sleep grin

Greyduster Mon 15-Apr-19 14:51:19

The only young man my DD shared a bed with under our roof is still with her twenty seven years on! We have just about given up on them marrying. When my DS brought a lady home to meet us (who he insisted was a friend, but everyone but dim me could see they were a couple 🙄!) he didn’t ask and I didn’t offer, but they seemed quite content with separate arrangements. The fact that she had her foot in plaster may have had something to do with that!

Grannybags Mon 15-Apr-19 15:00:43

We "lived in sin" before we married in 1972 and weren't allowed to tell my husbands 14 year old sister - I had to get rid of any evidence of me from the flat if future in laws came for a visit!!

Long term girlfriends often stayed the night with my son.

Telly Mon 15-Apr-19 15:04:12

If they had a partner then yes of course. However not just a casual fling. Would seem odd not to.

MiniMoon Mon 15-Apr-19 15:42:40

My DD's boyfriend was in the Royal Navy. When he came home on leave he used to visit and stay over. I let them sleep in the same room, after all, they were both over 18.
He was very impressed at how liberal we were.😃
He is now a much loved and respected son-in-law.

knickas63 Mon 15-Apr-19 15:47:34

Yes I would. I allowed it with all three of mine. I considered them adults and able to make their own choices. Eldest is still with him and they are married. Middle one (son), lived in an annex for a number of years, and before he met the love of his life, had a parade of young ladies stay over. There was a code that we noticed. Booty calls only ever entered through the back of the house, avoiding the main living area. The serious ones, came through the house. He was told by his sister once or twice to keep it down! Youngest has been my most trying. She has had three very serious relationships, Two of whom stayed over, third in her own home so didn’t count. She did however once sneak a booty call in without us knowing! Her bedroom was next to ours, and being much younger than her brother we were a bit more watchful. Both my younger two have ‘lived’ so as to speak, and I don’t judge them for it. You are only young once! Eldest met her partner at 15, so never really had the wild oats stage.

Some of my friends have been super intrusive with their children as regards to plans, partners and finance, and as a result get told very little. Mine tell me everything, whether I want to know or not. But I never ask. It is their business.

Callistemon Mon 15-Apr-19 15:55:25

Well, they had their own house and a baby so it would have been very odd not to let them share a room when they visited.

sodapop Mon 15-Apr-19 16:06:23

Oh dear Nina your friend sounds very controlling. I must admit my children and grandchildren would not sleep with casual partners at my house but longer term relationships are fine.
Many years ago a friend told me that her mother in law would not allow her to share a room with her husband even though they had been married a couple of years and had a baby. Strange morality of the times.

Mycatisahacker Mon 15-Apr-19 16:07:53

booty calls only

grin loving that phrase

luluaugust Mon 15-Apr-19 17:17:57

As they are AC this sounds controlling. All our AC lived here with their partners for a while before moving out and marrying it would have been impossible to police apart from anything else.

Deedaa Mon 15-Apr-19 17:45:17

Before DH and I married (I was 23!) we had to go to great lengths to make sure my parents didn't know we were sleeping together. 25 years later I was a bit miffed when my mother was quite happy to help me buy a double bed for DD so there was room for her boyfriend when he came to stay!

After our dear Cornish MP David Penhaligon was killed his wife remarried. I was talking to her at a show one night and she said she must leave early to go home to Plymouth. When I queried this she said the alternative was staying with her mother and added "I may be over 40 but I would be too embarrassed to share a bed with a man in my mother's house!"

M0nica Mon 15-Apr-19 18:05:12

How long before said lady is posting on GN because she is estranged from her daughter?

Our (adult)children's personal life is no business of ours and parents, especially mothers, who ask personal and intrusive questions of adult children, all too often get the order of the boot.