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Such a bad day - just a weepy heap

(313 Posts)
Luckygirl Tue 17-Sep-19 16:41:26

Having a really bad time today. Just having serious discussions with family and OH about him going to a nursing home - it is getting to the point where we are struggling to maintain his care at home even with live-in. He grasps that too in his non-paranoid moments. He said he understood but would "treasure every moment" he has left at home with me. That broke my heart. It is unbearable - watching him falling to pieces before my eyes. I really just don't think I can deal with this today - I have no reserves left. And no privacy to be a temporary weeping heap. Just don't know where to turn.

farview Tue 17-Sep-19 16:45:11

Oh Luckygirl..that is so sad for you.... sending love and a hug....💐

Oopsminty Tue 17-Sep-19 16:47:37

So sorry to hear this, Luckygirl. Life can be so incredibly hard at times.

Gonegirl Tue 17-Sep-19 16:48:06

Oh Luckygirl. What can anyone say? That is so heartbreaking.

Love to you. x

Whitewavemark2 Tue 17-Sep-19 16:49:23

Oh lucky I have watched you on this so sad journey and read your struggles, your good times and bad. This is yet the next inevitable step which none of us ever want. You will climb up out of your misery but your family really are your best support. They can hold you and look into your eyes to know how you are feeling.

Smileless2012 Tue 17-Sep-19 16:50:42

Oh Luckygirl what a terrible situation for you to be in, I'm so very sorryflowers.

Have you found somewhere suitable for him to go?

When my step father's vascular dementia was getting to the point where we knew he would have to go into full time residential care, we arranged for him to go one day a week for a couple of weeks and then for two.

We did feel that that helped him to accept the change when he needed to be there full time. Not knowing what your OH's problems are, I don't know if that would make it easier for him and you too.

I cannot begin to imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you but if even with live-in assistance his care is becoming more than you can handle, for his sake and your own it seems you may have no choice.

Thorntrees Tue 17-Sep-19 16:51:12

I don’t often post but felt so sorry for you on reading your post Luckygirl. Just wanted to send you some loving thoughts,I will keep you in my prayers and hope you find some peace of mind and strength to cope with your difficult situation.x

merlotgran Tue 17-Sep-19 16:51:38

Oh poor you, Luckygirl, you must be so emotionally drained you don't have any positive thoughts left.

Good that your OH is coming to terms with the situation but heartbreaking for you to hear his own thoughts put into words.

I suppose all you can do is try to reassure him that even though he won't be living at home he will still have many treasured moments with you which will be all the more special because you won't be so stressed and exhausted.

Being a weepy heap is normal in such circumstances and probably a good thing because nobody wants to be at rock bottom so your 'normal self' will step in and take care of you when you're ready.

Thinking of you.

Barmeyoldbat Tue 17-Sep-19 16:52:13

So sorry Luckygirl, just take one day at a time and treasure the time with him. x

M0nica Tue 17-Sep-19 16:54:38

Lucky so difficult, but you need to protect your own health so that when he is in care you are able to visit regularly. You will still be part of his life and as he will be in his own room, you can make it a home from home for him. flowers

dragonfly46 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:01:29

Lucky how hard it must be for you. As others have said you will both have a better quality of life if your DH goes into care. You have done your best to keep him at home but he needs professional help now. It is the safest thing for both of you. I found it hard when my parents went into care but in the following 2 years I would visit and enjoy seeing them again rather than being wiped out by caring for them.

vena11 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:02:56

So Sorry

midgey Tue 17-Sep-19 17:03:58

Nothing to add, but thinking of you both. flowers

KatyK Tue 17-Sep-19 17:04:13

Lucky Sorry to hear this flowers

Niobe Tue 17-Sep-19 17:08:38

Lucky, I have no words, you have my heartfelt good wishes and sympathy.

ginny Tue 17-Sep-19 17:10:25

Don’t know what to say , so sad.💐

lemongrove Tue 17-Sep-19 17:11:12

Luckygirl ....so very sorry to hear this, what a decision for you both to make.flowers

kittylester Tue 17-Sep-19 17:12:50

What everyone else has said, Lucky.

Sending you lots of love and (((hugs)))

EllanVannin Tue 17-Sep-19 17:13:03

What a time for you Luckygirl. I thank the Lord that I was spared of all that pain you're going through. I can't begin to know how you must be feeling, though I understand that the present situation isn't a realistic one for either yourself or your husband. You've tried and done your very best until you can't do any more, and nobody can say otherwise.
Time to look to your own health and well-being to gather the strength to visit him.

Feelingmyage55 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:13:37

Hello luckygirl. Dragonfly has just used the word I was going to write - professional - care. I know it is different as your OH is just that, your other half, but when my parent reached this point, we were no longer treasuring the time together. It was all too fraught. Although moving to the nursing home was heart breaking, unbelievably within two days, she was settled and did not want to go home. We were then able to enjoy time together. My mum, who had multiple health issues said that she was better looked after than by me (that stung) but found that being able to have staff help at the press of a button especially during the night, doctor in several times a week as a matter of course, choice of food, and the security of help and company on hand made the new situation better than the situation at home. She was also able to be taken out as it needed two of us, and could spend a lot of time sitting in the garden. I guess that you have reached this turn in the road and I am very sad for you both.

Namsnanny Tue 17-Sep-19 17:18:26

Luckygirl Nothing I can say is going to change your and your husbands situation, but I am so sorry you are going through such a sad situation.
I'll be thinking of you both flowers

I have a little understanding of the pressure you have been under as I moved in with my parents to care for my father, who was bedridden, for the last 6 months of his life.

The situation throws up unexpected emotions and is physically demanding. Which in itself is hard.

Once again my sympathies. flowers

annsixty Tue 17-Sep-19 17:19:16

Just do it Luckygirl
It is hard , you will feel guilt and regret but you know it must be done.
I gave until I could give no more, my health has suffered and I should have made the decision sooner.
It is only you can do it, your H must be made to see it will benefit you both.
He will not like it but he will settle, you can recover your strength and get some of your old life back.
I really did leave it too late, don’t do the same.
Good luck.

Grammaretto Tue 17-Sep-19 17:25:36

My friend was in your position about 4 years ago. Luckily she and their AC found a nursing home close enough to allow visiting every day.
He had his own room with some of his familiar things.
It wwas a compromise but such a relief for my friend. I saw her visibly relax for the first time in years .
She had more energy. She wasn't getting up several times a night.
His condition gradually deteriorated and he died last year.
He was popular at the home and some members of staff came to his funeral.

morethan2 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:26:18

I’m so very sorry. I wish I could say something, anything to comfort you. flowers and a gentle ((((hug)))

Keeper1 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:29:04

Bless you x