Gransnet forums


Feeling worthless

(11 Posts)
Gotthattshirt Sat 21-Sep-19 21:11:43

I have a loving husband, three sons that I am proud of and three grandsons that are a delight. So what’s wrong with me?
I don’t agree with many things that one of my daughter in laws does with regard to bringing up her children but they are happy and healthy so i accept I should keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. The children are lively and active and I am saddened that my son takes a very passive parenting style with them and then gets very cross and upset when they don’t comply. My DiL takes a much firmer line with the boys which can sometimes seem to dismiss their dad’s interaction/discipline.

Gotthattshirt Sat 21-Sep-19 21:21:01

Oops - this is my first time and I pressed the wrong button!
We’ve just had a lovely family birthday day together so why do I now feel so depressed to the point of feeling physically nauseous. Reflecting back on the day I am not sure if I did the right thing, said the right thing, saw cracks in my son’s marriage (there is a little history here). Was every conversation with my DiL monosyllabic or was that my imagination. At times like this I just feel like running away from the mental turmoil.
I’ve recently read that these feelings can be menopausal- what do you think?
I’ve been reading Gransnetbposts for a while and there are some very wise people out there.
I would welcome a bit of straight talking.
Please don’t be too harsh though- I’m a newbie.

Namsnanny Sat 21-Sep-19 21:42:12

Hello Gotthatshirt
Your quite right there are some very wise and kind people on here. Much wiser than me!

I think you're wiser than you realise. You've identified an undercurrent in your family life.
Some of us just wander around this earth, filling our lives with trips, holidays and just about anything trying to ignore the truth of our relationships!

Have you mentioned any of this to your husband?

You've kept your feelings to yourself about the children's lives, but your husband might have some insight into your feelings.

Namsnanny Sat 21-Sep-19 21:45:12

Also I get quite depressed and lonely when my family leave.
I can be the life and soul whilst they're here, but afterwards I wish I'd never seen them (almost!)

Urmstongran Sat 21-Sep-19 21:46:34

Possibly you are overthinking here? Maybe there are family tensions and as you say your daughter in law sounds more the disciplinarian in their relationship. That doesn’t really matter, one of them has to be!

But feeling worthless?

No. I’m sure your family love you. Maybe you are a bit low (menopause). It’ll pass, hopefully. If it doesn’t, get help.

All the best. x

Sara65 Sat 21-Sep-19 21:50:29

I’m afraid I’m not very wise, but I can empathise with you.

Sometimes I find family occasions hard work, I love my children, and all my Grandchildren are lovely, but I find that my role in the family seems to be changing, from being someone quite vocal and always in the thick of it, I can’t always be bothered to get involved, we are all involved in the same business as well, two children have always been involved, and one more recently, which somehow seems to have upset the balance, and I worry for the future.

Today, probably for the first time since they were children, I intervened, because I didn’t like the way one was behaving toward one of the others, I can assure you, no good will come of that!

I think maybe, we have to accept that although we love them, they aren’t perhaps what we hoped they’d be, and we can’t control who they choose to be with, or how they live their lives, maybe you and I are just having an off day, it may all look different tomorrow

Namsnanny Sat 21-Sep-19 21:58:24

Sara65 flowers

Gotthattshirt Sat 21-Sep-19 22:29:50

Thank you all so much for your replies.
No, Namsnanny, I haven’t talked to my husband about the way I am feeling. He has occasionally commented on the grandchildren’s behaviour and concern on how it may develop. We accept that the boys are our grandchildren, not our children so try hard to stick to being just grandparents. It’s this chest aching, sick feeling that I’m struggling with and don’t want to share with him for fear of making something out of nothing of indeed worrying him. Saying that, I’ve just spent the last hour reading about some serious issues that other gransnetters have.
Perhaps I should just give myself a shake and stop feeling so miserable. But at times like this, again like you Namsnanny, think maybe It would be better if we hadn’t spent time together.
Thanks again all. The anonymous talkback has been a tonic.

Luckygirl Sat 21-Sep-19 22:35:40

You feel what you feel - making comparisons with other people's problems is not relevant.

Sometimes we cannot give ourselves a shake. It does sound as though you are really taking things to heart which might be better let float by. I share your concerns sometimes about different parenting styles, but remind myself that if my parents had tried to intervene in any way concerning our parenting I would have gone off like a rocket!!!

I know how hard it is when you can see cracks in an AC's marriage - but there is nothing to be done, expect fill one's own life with lots of good things and fulfilling activities and let them make their own way - hard I know.

You are definitely not worthless - no-one is!

Namsnanny Sat 21-Sep-19 22:45:56

Gotthatshirt …..
Maybe not talk to him about the issues (how the AC's are parenting, what the ramifications are etc.,)

Talk more to him about your feelings of worthlessness or the depression you feel.
Explain to him you'd like his overview perhaps?
Discussing these things with him might make you both feel a little bit closer and you not so at sea?

PS as Luckygirl said, what we feel is what we feel!

Gotthattshirt Sat 21-Sep-19 23:15:57

I’ve never done this ‘social media’ thing before but it really has made a difference to me tonight.
You’re a very special person Luckygirl. Your recent post was one that I have been reading and I sincerely send you a big hug for your current sadness together with heartfelt thanks for taking the time to reply to mine.
You’re right. Comparing personal circumstances is irrelevant and accepting the way you feel is better than walking around in an artificial ‘happy bubble’.
I feel like I’ve just found a whole new bunch of real friends that accept me as I am and are kind enough to talk plainly and honestly -no strings attached.
wine and thanks to you all