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I am just wrecked

(114 Posts)
Luckygirl Fri 18-Oct-19 18:24:41

Many of you will know that my OH has been very unwell over several years and that every effort to care for him at home failed. At the end of September he went into lovely nursing home, where he has settled so well - he is being well cared-for, he has a lovey room and there are lots of activities that he is joining in. He is much more relaxed and less anxious than he was at home with the cobbled-together care that he had.

So......all good news. But I am wrecked and barely functional - sometimes it is an effort to get out of bed. I have the odd good day and think all is well, then I flop out again. I feel giddy and out of breath and weepy - everything is such an effort. GP has done all the right blood tests (all fine) and I am already on an anti-depressant and have been for years.

I should just be feeling massively relieved, and I do in many ways, but I had not expected to feel so bad myself. I felt guilty for a while and that was not good, but I have come to terms with the fact that I did my best and that I have served him well by finding him an excellent home which he really likes.

But I feel grim to be honest. I cannot go in our old bedroom without crying.

The ongoing fight between health and social services as to who should contribute financially to his care is of course not helping. SSD have now agreed to fund a quarter of it for a month on the condition that a further assessment by the health authority must be done during that time. More stressful and lengthy examination of every details of his deficits for both of us. It is inhuman.

Any suggestions as to how I might lift my mood and start to see the positives. I feel so physically unwell - I had expected the emotional distress, but the feeling of just being so ill is a shock to the system.

Namsnanny Fri 18-Oct-19 18:32:44

Luckygirl … I hope you don't mind me contributing, as I know you have lots of people who know you well on gn.

Frankly, go with the flow. Don't stress yourself about feeling sad or tired.

I would encourage you to sleep when ever you want to. Or do what ever you want to, if you were my sister.

Take care flowers

Namsnanny Fri 18-Oct-19 18:33:47

You have so much to adjust to, take each hour as it comes if you can.

phoenix Fri 18-Oct-19 18:35:25


It will take time, take care.


Jane10 Fri 18-Oct-19 18:36:00

Oh dear. I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't suppose it helps that you already know this is a sort of backlash /reaction to the desperately stressful time you've had with your DH.
I'm sure that wiser and more experienced Grans will have some suggestions for you but maybe a tincture of time and some TLC would help. I hope you're feeling a bit brighter soon. You know that a lot of us here care about you πŸ”†

jusnoneed Fri 18-Oct-19 18:39:00

The stress you suffered while you were looking after your husband at home will of had more of an effect on you than you realised at the time. Allow yourself time to recover, knowing he is happy (good to hear) will help to some degree. It's only been a few weeks, don't push yourself too much.

If only the powers that be would get their act together and finally sort out finance etc you would be able to fully relax.

Smileless2012 Fri 18-Oct-19 18:41:33

Luckygirlflowerswe underestimate the physical toll that emotional stress and anxiety can have.

You must try and give yourself time to adjust; it will take time to get used to your DH not being there with you.

I remember how trying it was when my step dad had to go into a nursing home full time, sorting out the financial responsibilities but you'll get there in the end.

I agree with Namsnanny "go with the flow". If you need to sleep; sleep. If you need to cry; cry. There's no right or wrong or rule book.

Look after yourself.

phoenix Fri 18-Oct-19 18:43:17

Just to add, I appreciate that there will be days when even getting up, let alone leaving the house will be tough, if you do have a green space, a park , woods, forest within reasonable distance, go there, walk and howl, shout, scream at the sky/trees whatever, or just sit and breathe, you never know, it could give you a moment's relief.

Sillygrandma5GK Fri 18-Oct-19 18:46:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

petra Fri 18-Oct-19 18:49:56

As a Dr once said to me: your tank is empty. You have been running on adrenaline. The only cure is rest
Just the same as you. Your tank is empty 😒 There is no magic potion, just rest. Please take care of yourself, you have managed the unimaginable for so long it's no wonder you feel as you do. πŸ’πŸ’

crazyH Fri 18-Oct-19 18:51:55

Luckygirl flowers

Gonegirl Fri 18-Oct-19 18:52:15

It all must indeed have been one hell of a shock to your system Luckygirl. You have been amazing you know.

I would say, don't fight the feeling of exhaustion now. Just go with it for a while. Get as much rest as you possibly can. Yes, getting out is good, but don't push yourself too much. Just wait awhile for it to pass.

Just quietly try to look after you now.

All the very best to you.

Beckett Fri 18-Oct-19 18:53:17

You have been under tremendous stress but now your DH is comfortably settled, happy and being well cared for.

Being under constant stress is exhausting but at the time you don't give in to the exhaustion - now you can and your body is reacting to it. Now is the time to take care of yourself flowers

Amagran Fri 18-Oct-19 18:58:42

Luckygirl - Petra is right, I am sure. You have been keeping going on adrenaline and now your body and mind need rest and time to catch up. It is to be expected, so please don't beat yourself up about it - you have done more than most people could have managed. Be kind to yourself. And if anyone else can help you, then let them be kind to you too. But above all, be kind to yourself. You need it, and you deserve it. flowers

Iam64 Fri 18-Oct-19 19:00:02

Oh Lucky - what a heartfelt, honest and open post, what a courageous woman you are.

As others have said and, as I'm sure you know in your logical brain, chronic, long term stress is exhausting. When your husband was at home you somehow kept going because you just had to. Other women, mothers, wives, daughters will identify with this.
Please be tender with yourself, try to rest. Use the meds your GP gives you and find whatever helps you now. It may be relaxation on your iPad. I don't know, you'll have an idea what's helped you in the past, try and locate that and do please look after yourself x

Baggs Fri 18-Oct-19 19:05:56

Oh, Lucky! The phrase about running on adrenaline is bang on. Sending a warm virtual hug xx

Framilode Fri 18-Oct-19 19:15:18

I really feel for you. Like others have said this is a physical and mental reaction to all the stress and worry you have suffered.

Be kind to yourself. Take your time and rest, eat well and let your body and mind settle. You have done everything you possibly could and now is the time to put yourself first.

annep1 Fri 18-Oct-19 19:23:18

Oh Luckygirl I don't know you but I feel for you. It's a very sad hard time for you. You've done your very best. Be kind and gentle to yourself. And rest now. You need it.

cornergran Fri 18-Oct-19 19:24:39

Go gently lucky, spot on comments about running on adrenalin and now your body is reacting to, or if you like withdrawing from, seeing your husband settled and happy. There is still stress, more assessments but for now he is safe and happy and you are left adjusting. Rest when you need to, just be as you are and suspend all self expectations for now while you heal. If you can let the family look after you. Sending love and a hug.

merlotgran Fri 18-Oct-19 19:40:50

Take care of yourself, Lucky. It's bound to take a while to come down from pushing yourself so hard.

Marydoll Fri 18-Oct-19 19:51:08

Luckygirl, I have followed your journey on GN and have so much admiration for you.
I can only echo what others have said. flowers

Bathsheba Fri 18-Oct-19 19:55:08

I think this slightly delayed reaction is entirely to be expected. My God you've been through the mill the last few months Lucky! So now your body is screaming out for some respite and you have to give in to it.

So what if you spend all day in bed sometimes? If it's what you need, then just go with the flow and let yourself gently heal. It will take time, but you will get better as long as you don't fight it. flowers and (((hugs)))

GrannyGravy13 Fri 18-Oct-19 19:57:16

Luckygirl If you feel like crying cry, if you want to stay in bed then stay in bed.

Your body and mind have been holding everything together, now they need to rest and recover. πŸ’πŸ’πŸ’πŸ’

Urmstongran Fri 18-Oct-19 20:05:47

Oh bless you Luckygirl you must be so weary. You need to rest, life’s way of replenishing both mind and body. x

nanaK54 Fri 18-Oct-19 20:23:25

Agree with others, you must be absolutely exhausted. Sending kind thoughts to you flowers