Many of you will know that my OH has been very unwell over several years and that every effort to care for him at home failed. At the end of September he went into lovely nursing home, where he has settled so well - he is being well cared-for, he has a lovey room and there are lots of activities that he is joining in. He is much more relaxed and less anxious than he was at home with the cobbled-together care that he had.
So......all good news. But I am wrecked and barely functional - sometimes it is an effort to get out of bed. I have the odd good day and think all is well, then I flop out again. I feel giddy and out of breath and weepy - everything is such an effort. GP has done all the right blood tests (all fine) and I am already on an anti-depressant and have been for years.
I should just be feeling massively relieved, and I do in many ways, but I had not expected to feel so bad myself. I felt guilty for a while and that was not good, but I have come to terms with the fact that I did my best and that I have served him well by finding him an excellent home which he really likes.
But I feel grim to be honest. I cannot go in our old bedroom without crying.
The ongoing fight between health and social services as to who should contribute financially to his care is of course not helping. SSD have now agreed to fund a quarter of it for a month on the condition that a further assessment by the health authority must be done during that time. More stressful and lengthy examination of every details of his deficits for both of us. It is inhuman.
Any suggestions as to how I might lift my mood and start to see the positives. I feel so physically unwell - I had expected the emotional distress, but the feeling of just being so ill is a shock to the system.
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