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(45 Posts)
FlyingSolo Thu 14-Nov-19 20:54:32

I feel very strongly that when I die I don't want a funeral and want to be allowed to slip away silently and without any fuss. It is really important to me. I was wondering if I was the only one who feels like that?

bluebirdwsm Thu 14-Nov-19 21:00:59

You aren't the only person who doesn't want a funeral as there are companies who offer a cremation only service.
The relatives then collect the ashes and then scatter them wherever they, or you, wish. Or they can keep them.

tanith Thu 14-Nov-19 21:08:37

I’ve tried to explain those wishes to my family and was going to arrange an unattended cremation but after talking with my daughters and my GS I’ve decided to leave it up to them whether they go with my thoughts on the matter or arrange a funeral for them to say they’re goodbyes.

Jane10 Thu 14-Nov-19 21:10:44

I suppose funerals are for those left behind. You'll be gone. If it helps them to say a more formal goodbye then why not?

MissAdventure Thu 14-Nov-19 21:15:02

I want the same.
Death bed to crematorium for me.

MamaCaz Thu 14-Nov-19 21:16:12

I hadn't thought about this until recently, when my BiL said that he had arranged for his body to be taken straight for cremation, with no funeral service. If he dies while abroad, where he spends a lot of time, he doesn't want any money wasted bringing his body back to England.

Sounds like a good idea to me, and I have said as much to my sons regarding my own final journey.

I like the idea of just a cremation.
If my family want to mark the event, they can choose a meaningful place to scatter my ashes (shouldn't be hard to think of somewhere that would be meaningful to them, not just to me), then go for a meal together afterwards.

Tangerine Thu 14-Nov-19 21:17:25

I wouldn't mind not having a funeral but, like Jane10, I think funerals are for those left behind.

My children would want me to have a funeral and I have told them it is up to them. I do definitely wish to be cremated though and it is in my Will.

annsixty Thu 14-Nov-19 21:19:44

My H died in April.
I had an unattended cremation for him and I want the same for me.
I did use a local funeral service and had a coffin and flowers for him, he also wore his own clothes, this was important to me.
It wasn't t necessary for people to say goodbye, all who loved him did so in his last days

SalsaQueen Thu 14-Nov-19 21:49:24

My husband and I signed up, years ago, to donate our bodies to medical science. There's no undertaker, coffin, flowers, service, etc. It saves a lot of money, time and effort, and it's helping the medical students to learn.

MissAdventure Thu 14-Nov-19 21:50:48

I've thought of that, but they only take certain bodies, don't they?
I wouldn't want to end up hanging around with nobody wanting me!

Jane10 Thu 14-Nov-19 22:03:31

My Dad left very complicated wishes for his funeral but luckily added 'or whatever the family would prefer' which was a great relief for us. We could have been in a lot of trouble if we had done what he said he wanted.

Hetty58 Thu 14-Nov-19 22:06:33

I've already arranged and paid for an unattended cremation. They'll put my body in a pine coffin, have it cremated and return my ashes to my daughter.

The kids have instructions to scatter my ashes and then have a 'party'. Depending on the time of year, they can go for a meal or have a picnic, whatever they want to do.

It's really put my mind at rest for the following reasons:

No greedy undertakers will have the chance to deprive them of ten grand when they're grieving

No friends or relatives will have to buy (pointless) flowers, travel and then endure a funeral.

Everyone is free to mark the occasion (or not) and maybe celebrate my life as they wish to.

There will be no service and celebrant to ask them all about me and my life - then tell them all the same stuff back (ridiculous).

So, it can be just like a private wake or funeral. The only difference is that there'll be no body in a box!

Crematoriums really give me the creeps. They burn bodies but pretend not to!

Gaunt47 Thu 14-Nov-19 22:11:24

I've signed up to donate my body to medical science too, although I understood there are expenses associated with storage and transport of a body.
And as MissA suggests, they may not want you! Must look into that, then I can leave explicit instructions.

merlotgran Thu 14-Nov-19 22:15:07

I wouldn't want to end up hanging around with nobody wanting me!

An aged in-law left her body to medical science last year. DGD2 is a med student at Kings and the day she was allocated her cadaver she said her first thought was, 'Oh God, I hope it's not Aunty V.' grin

MissAdventure Thu 14-Nov-19 22:17:18

Oh wouldn't that be awful!?

FlyingSolo Thu 14-Nov-19 22:30:06

I don't want the event marked at all. Just cremate me, put the ashes with my dad's in the crem. No announcement anywhere. No gathering of any sort. The idea of people sitting or standing around talking about me after my death horrifies me.

Hetty58 Thu 14-Nov-19 22:41:30

FlyingSolo, have you made your wishes crystal clear with family? That's all that matters.

FlyingSolo Thu 14-Nov-19 22:55:53

Trouble is I am not sure who will take responsibility when I die. I presume my elderly mum will die before me, her family have never been part of my life really (aunts, uncles, cousins) , my brother emigrated some years back and I am having a lot of difficulty with my son since he got with his partner last year. So I don't feel there is anyone I can trust to make sure my wishes are carried out.

suziewoozie Thu 14-Nov-19 23:00:48

I’m with those who say the funeral is for those left behind and so any decisions should be made with them. I can’t imagine telling my dd how she was to say goodbye to me.

Chestnut Thu 14-Nov-19 23:14:55

I agree the funeral is for those left behind. I would have been very upset if I couldn't have had a funeral for my mum and dad. It was only a small one with immediate family, but it was nice to send them off. I would have also been upset if their bodies had been used for medical purposes. I think the children's wishes are the most important because it's how they want to remember you that matters.

Hetty58 Thu 14-Nov-19 23:33:08

FlyingSolo, I signed up with Pure Cremation and gave their contact details to my friend, daughter and neighbour (along with each others) so hopefully, that will do. I've put my wishes in the file with my paperwork and house deeds too! I had keys cut for each of them, just in case I die at home.

FlyingSolo Thu 14-Nov-19 23:35:09

I don't imagine anyone will mind me not having a funeral. It is just that I can't imagine anyone making sure my wishes not to have one are carried out either. Personally I would have prefered not to have had to go through the ordeal of my dad's funeral. And I imagine my mum's funeral would be just as much of an ordeal when the time comes if I I were to go.

Hetty58 Thu 14-Nov-19 23:35:33

Chestnut, my family find funerals a bind, a duty rather than helpful. I believe that my body belongs to me so I have the right to decide what to do with it.

FlyingSolo Thu 14-Nov-19 23:37:59

Hetty58, I will take a look, thank you.

HappyBumbleBee Thu 14-Nov-19 23:50:35

I agree with those saying the funeral is for those left behind - my friend died from cancer last year and her wishes were respected that only her partner, mum and dad and brother were at her cremation. No service or anything. I was gutted! It took me a while to get over it (no funeral) if I'm honest because I felt not angry, but put out I guess that I couldn't say goodbye. Everyone (mutual friends) was asking me for funeral arrangements details and I had to explain and then I felt selfish and cross with myself for feeling the way I did as they were her wishes. We had a small gathering a few weeks after with her partner and their dogs on the beach - but I honestly don't think she or the family realised how well she was thought of and how many people wanted to pay their respects to her family.
When her year anniversary came around it suddenly hit me that she was gone - when my time comes, my family can do whatever they want - party all night, I don't care. My only wish will be that I'm cremated and my son's will be responsible for scattering my ashes on somewhere we will one day all agree on ❤️