Pap67 You poor dear girl. You are probably depressed, I think. To have such low self-esteem is a big sign of depression and it makes it very hard to do anything beyond the basic necessities of life. I really do sympathise. I often still feel this way and have been through it a lot. My own marriage has parallels with yours and the person I was lumbered with afterwards was a terrible burden to me even though I managed not to let him move in with me.
I think you have no right to criticise yourself in this way. I think you coped amazingly well in extremely difficult circumstances! Both relationships were ones that were extraordinarily demanding and neither gave you any support in return. I would imagine you are suffering from exhaustion and a feeling of emptiness because you do not even have happy memories on which you can draw. I know this so well. But I am sure you fed, dressed and tended to all the children in your care with love and kindness. Considering their fathers' inputs, you rescued them from dire neglect. I think you did a wonderful job for all those children! Where would they have been without you? You raised 5 children!
My own husband died at 56 at his own hand. I have three daughters. I cannot come to terms with his death, nor with the cruelty he dealt me every day since I met him. We, you and I, are always left with the difficulty that we cannot talk about the cruelty of their father to our children. Then there is the added terror that one of them at least might take after him. After all, they share his genes. I have often felt intensely alone with my memories of the cruelty I suffered.
Please, Pap67, it's your turn now to do the things you enjoy. You can spend your money on yourself, treat yourself. You must start appreciating yourself. You have nothing whatsoever to reproach yourself for. No! You did not let your boys down! Not at all! You did the best you could for them at every stage in their lives. What more could you do? I often feel the same because my daughters' experience growing up was not ideal, with their father being strange and dying while they were,- one in her first term at University, one doing GCSEs and the little one just 8. But I have to tell myself I could only do what I could do. We had to move when he died because of his debts but it turned out to be a good thing although it was a night-mare at the time. I am sure you managed really well! Every meal you made them was a miracle! I know! I have been there.
Pleas start being kind to yourself. I think it would help to have someone to talk to. Maybe your Gp can arrange some counselling for you? It would be so good if you had somewhere you could go to process all those difficult times. I think you are an amazing lady, a wonderful Survivor who rescued 5 children from a very difficult and sad situation and never gave much thought for yourself. Now's the time to take care of yourself. You deserve it. ???