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Feeling guilty

(54 Posts)
Thoro Fri 27-Nov-20 20:48:17

I am part of a childcare bubble with my nurse son and heavily pregnant with twins DiL and their two year old.
My husband (we were both widowed and remarried 20 years ago - he is 75 with health conditions) has a daughter with husband and 9 and 12 year old living about 70 miles away. They usually come over at Christmas but this year we felt it would not be a good idea so they are not coming but my son, DiL and GS will be coming as they are local and already part of our bubble. My other two adult children will also not be coming.
I still feel guilty that I can see my family but he can’t see his - even though I know it’s being sensible.

Hetty58 Fri 27-Nov-20 20:58:02

Everyone involved understands the situation surely? You can't make it equal and fair - but that's life.

Maybe you could make plans for Christmas 2021 that compensate, inviting his family but not yours?

Lolo81 Fri 27-Nov-20 21:12:15

If funds allow, maybe send a wee extra token to the ones not able to attend? A hamper with some goodies and a nice card? Everyone is aware of how unfair this whole pandemic has been to families around the world, but keeping each other safe is the most loving thing you can do under the circumstances. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

OceanMama Fri 27-Nov-20 21:20:28

Try not to feel guilty. We are all going to have to go through Christmas with limitations and adjustments. I'm sure they appreciate this is for their safety. This is not something you set up but just the way the cards have fallen. Can he call or Zoom his family on Christmas at some point?

Luckygirl Fri 27-Nov-20 21:55:38

Not something to feel guilty about - you are following the rules and being sensible.

NotTooOld Fri 27-Nov-20 22:16:30

No reason to feel guilty, it's just common sense. Say you will have a proper family gettogether at Easter.

NotTooOld Fri 27-Nov-20 22:17:59

Just to add to my post, I feel it would have been better if the government had said no mixing over Christmas. I can see why they gave us a choice but it is causing a lot of angst.

suziewoozie Fri 27-Nov-20 23:09:32

It’s hard not to feel guilty sometimes even when you know you shouldn’t. I like Lolas idea if it’s possible.

M0nica Sat 28-Nov-20 08:01:07

Guilt is a useless and indulgent emotion used to justify doing something you are uncomfortable with.

In this case your discomfort is totally unjustified. the situation you are in facing is the one facing probably half the households in the country in various forms. In our case DD will be with us because she is part of our bubble. DS and family will be with DDiL's family, who live locally to them and with whom they have a bubble. They live too far from us for a visit that does not include an overnight stay

This is an exceptional year, an exceptional universal crisis and, as in wartime, we will be doing things differently. You are one of so many in your situation, that, as i said feelings of guilt are wasteful and useless waste of emotion.

Tweedle24 Sat 28-Nov-20 09:39:15

I can understand your frustration but, no need to feel guilty. You are doing the right thing and it seems that all your family understands. Have a lovely Christmas and look forward to seeing the other half of the family when it is safe.
Are you planning to Skype or Zoom? That might help.

Juicylucy Sat 28-Nov-20 09:51:34

You have to remember you didn’t make the rules. Maybe suggest a visit at Easter if we are able to by then.

Fi59 Sat 28-Nov-20 09:52:49

Same issues with us, my mum (86) is part of our bubble and our daughters husband is from a big family, I am not happy if they visit them and then want to come to see us, so putting my foot down and saying no contact for 2 weeks after they visit son in laws family. I know our daughter loves Christmas ‘at home’ but we can’t risk my mum 😐

TanaMa Sat 28-Nov-20 09:53:18

When I see so many comments about being separated at Christmas, birthdays etc I often wonder whether anyone considers the loneliness and heartbteak of being away from loved ones who have to work on those 'special' days, people with family members who are in the Forces who don't have a choice, people who have no family. Always seems an inward, selfish response to not being able be get together. With the covid crisis surely the first thing to worry about is keeping everyone safe, family or otherwise.

Redhead56 Sat 28-Nov-20 09:56:33

We are in the same situation because of virus restrictions and rules about bubbles. As Lolo81 suggested an extra gift token would be a nice gesture for a treat.
You are not on your own try to make the best of it we have the future to look forward too.

Gingergirl Sat 28-Nov-20 10:13:06

I also feel that the government comments haven’t been great and will cause so much stress. I think we have to hang onto the fact that it’s just one Christmas....and not seeing some family is unavoidable. Everyone surely understands this...none of us are children. It doesn’t stop the heartache but there is no choice and we must bear it as best we can. I would make use of technology if possible....and see them ‘remotely’ at Christmas with a video call (ours sometimes go on for an hour and it does feel quite like they’re in the room with you)....don’t feel guilty.

Nannan2 Sat 28-Nov-20 10:15:49

Ive 7 'kids' most with kids of their own now- i have only 2 youngest living at home still- 22&17 yr old.one DD lives not far but others are all 72 miles away.we usually go visit & take gifts in week before xmas but ive said no- even to nearest one- i was so very ill last xmas (possibly covid) & then sons ill in new year- so im not putting us at risk of all that.(at most we could go drop gifts at doorstep then come straight back) but if my DD can take the gifts then im grateful.(weve taken hers 3 yrs running!) But she said if she can meet any of them at the garden centre to trade gifts she will do that maybe) But my eldest sons family all have covid now so im just so worried about that rather than whose having dinner with who😟😕

Dillonsgranma Sat 28-Nov-20 10:21:14

Could you meet up halfway for a walk and a lovely picnic? Sometime in December? That’s what we’ve arranged to do. Exchange presents and at least see each other. I just hope it doesn’t pour that day😉

Nannan2 Sat 28-Nov-20 10:23:18

*with whom.(also Boris has 'allowed' this so the blooming M.P.'s and Royals can mix without us going through the cummings debacle of last lockdown- also so no one feels they've to revolt and mix anyway i guess, so its more controlled.But its sheer bloody madness when we may be so near to getting a vaccine.🤔

ReadyMeals Sat 28-Nov-20 10:25:21

You can have two complete households visiting, so you could have your son's family as well as your husband's daughters family for xmas. But they then could not visit anyone else over the xmas period. Except in Scotland where I believe it's a maximum of 8 people total.

PollyDolly Sat 28-Nov-20 10:26:57

No, you've nothing to feel guilty about so stop dwelling on it. You should be applauded for being sensible and acknowledging the potential risks involved if you went ahead with the normal Christmas plans.

If everyone was as sensible as you we would get over this pandemic much quicker.

Have the best Christmas possible and stay safe!

Nannan2 Sat 28-Nov-20 10:28:25

Theres been a lot of talk on different threads of a 'lovely picnic' but really- can you imagine anyone wanting to sit out in the cold for a picnic in december? It makes them more vulnerable if being out in the cold makes them ill in anyway.wont be good for older ones and babies sat around getting a chill or cold/damp/foggy weather getting on their chests will it?

polnan Sat 28-Nov-20 10:30:07

hugs to you Thoro

I think we , maybe all, ,well certainly a majority of us are being bombarded with emotions,, ones we are not used to... with these lockups

presently I am feeling guilty, sad, rejected, unwanted, ..... any more anyone can add?

I think these are unprecedented times for so many of us, we hardly know how to deal with it..

jaylucy Sat 28-Nov-20 10:37:49

Sadly, at the moment that is the way it has to be, and you are not alone in this quandary.
I have to ask - if his family visited and then your husband fell ill possibly with Covid, how would you feel then ?

Granof412 Sat 28-Nov-20 10:41:28

I had no idea there was a ‘care bubble’.
I live alone and thought the bubble idea was for people like me.

Caragran Sat 28-Nov-20 10:42:20

Totally agree with NotztooOld the government should have just said no mixing full stop. Would have saved a lot of anguish . Having said that you would still have people breaking the rules. Rules don't apply to the likes of them.